"You're infuriating. Hang on, at least let me drive you," I offered, grabbing my t-shirt from the chair and tossing it on over my head.
"That's okay. Stay. Eat. I can walk. Besides, I told Josh I'd stop by her place before my shift."
"Just as a reminder we still don't know if it's safe," I said, pulling on my shirt and grabbing my keys. "Until then you're not walking anywhere alone."
"It's not a big deal," she said, reaching for the door. "You don't have to walk me. I can take care of myself."
“Yes.” I stood in her path. "But you don’t have to. You’re not going anywhere. Not alone. I meant it when I told you that I can't lose you." The fear raging inside of me was so real it was almost tangible. If only she could feel a fraction of what I was feeling she’d understand the reason for my demands.
It’s only because I’m terrified of losing you.
"You're not my mother, Finn," she said with a vacant expression on her beautiful face that made me want to punch a hole through the wall.
"No. I'm not." I leaned against the wall, crossing my legs at the ankles. I shrugged. "Why don't you go talk to her?"
"Cute," she said, throwing my earlier word back at me.
"I'm serious, Say. There are still things you need to know. Things up until this morning I thought you'd always wanted to know. Like why your mother owned land here. Like why..."
"Like why Critter is married to her?"
"Let me guess, because it's not your story to tell?"
"B-I-N-G-O."
Sawyer scrunched up her face in confusion and I took that to mean she didn't understand my reference. "I mean, you're right. It's not my story to tell. And FYI, emotional robot position? It's not for you. Why don't you bring my girl back?"
She sighed. "What if it's all too much?" she asked, her lower lip quivering. As much as I hated to see her upset I was glad to see some emotion from her. "What if I can't handle what I learn. What if they tell me something I can't unhear? Something that will follow me around for the rest of my life? I don't know if I can handle that."
I kissed the top of her head. "She's your mother. You thought she'd abandoned you and she didn't. She's here now. She's alive. Most people don't get second chances like this. People don't come back from the dead but she did. Don't you think you owe it to her to hear her out? To hear Critter out?"
She nodded against my chest but her shoulders remained stiff. She was scared and she had every right to be, but I needed her to know she wasn't going to go through this alone.
"Say," I said, pulling away so I could look in her eyes. "You have me. Don't you know by now that I'd do anything for you? When the world gets heavy on your shoulders I'll carry the weight for you. I'll be there. I'm not going anywhere. Not now. Not ever."
Sawyer's lips turned upward in a smile. It was small but at least it was real. She sniffled. "Take me to her."
I sighed in relief but it wasn't a full breath. While Richard was still out there and Sawyer and her mom were here I'd never be able to fully relax. I pulled her back against me and rested my chin on top of her head. I wasn't lying when I told her I'd carry the weight of the world on my shoulders for her.
What I didn't mention was the possibility it might crush us both.
Chapter 5
Sawyer
Critter's house was a red ranch style home with a beige stucco exterior and black shutters encasing the two small front windows. I didn't know what to expect of his house, but what I didn't expect was for it to be sitting in a field of sunflowers.
I touched the sunflower pendant hanging from my neck. The one my mother had left for me in the box beneath my bed.
I remained in the car as Finn got out and opened my door. "Are you ready?" he asked me, helping me down and squeezing my hand tightly.
"I don't think I'll ever be," I answered. Finn led me up to the front porch where Critter was sitting on one of two wicker rocking chairs. He didn't waste any time. "Sawyer, I understand you're confused, but remember, so is she. Your mother has got some moments of clarity. Sometimes they last minutes and sometimes hours. Most of the time she thinks it's twenty-two years ago."
"I'm not going to upset her," I promised. "At least, I'll try not to."
Critter nodded to me and I turned to Finn. "I think I need to do this alone," I said.
"I'll be right out here waiting," he said, kissing my knuckles before releasing me. Critter opened the screen door for me. "Last door at the end of the hall."
My eyes adjusted to the darkness inside the cozy home with plush carpet and a million picture frames on the wall. It reminded me of a homier version of the bar.
When I got to the room at the end of the hall I half expected my mother to be lying in bed but instead she was sitting on a rocking chair in the corner, knitting. Her nurse, Maddy, was sitting on another chair nearby flipping through a magazine. Maddy lifted her head when she saw me and gave me a warning look.
"Critter said it was okay," I told her.
She looked to my mother and then back to me. "Caroline, you've got a visitor," she said loudly yet sweetly. "Best way not to upset her is don't correct her if she says something that doesn't sound right and don't remind her of who you are because chances are, with how she's doing right now, she's not gonna know." With that Maddy left the room and closed the door behind her.
"Hello, there, dear. What's your name?" My mother asked when she noticed me standing at the end of the bed. She set her knitting down. A tangle of baby pink yarn with no decipherable pattern. Her blonde hair was wet and neatly combed back. She wore a pink fluffy bathrobe over pink and white striped pajamas, complete with fuzzy slippers. It was the most color I'd ever seen her wear besides the yellow tank top in the picture I'd found in the box she'd left for me. She looked healthy. Heavier.
Stronger than I'd seen in years.
Physically anyway.
"Hi," I said, feeling odd not knowing how to introduce myself to my own mother. I searched her face for any signs of recognition.
"That's okay. Stay. Eat. I can walk. Besides, I told Josh I'd stop by her place before my shift."
"Just as a reminder we still don't know if it's safe," I said, pulling on my shirt and grabbing my keys. "Until then you're not walking anywhere alone."
"It's not a big deal," she said, reaching for the door. "You don't have to walk me. I can take care of myself."
“Yes.” I stood in her path. "But you don’t have to. You’re not going anywhere. Not alone. I meant it when I told you that I can't lose you." The fear raging inside of me was so real it was almost tangible. If only she could feel a fraction of what I was feeling she’d understand the reason for my demands.
It’s only because I’m terrified of losing you.
"You're not my mother, Finn," she said with a vacant expression on her beautiful face that made me want to punch a hole through the wall.
"No. I'm not." I leaned against the wall, crossing my legs at the ankles. I shrugged. "Why don't you go talk to her?"
"Cute," she said, throwing my earlier word back at me.
"I'm serious, Say. There are still things you need to know. Things up until this morning I thought you'd always wanted to know. Like why your mother owned land here. Like why..."
"Like why Critter is married to her?"
"Let me guess, because it's not your story to tell?"
"B-I-N-G-O."
Sawyer scrunched up her face in confusion and I took that to mean she didn't understand my reference. "I mean, you're right. It's not my story to tell. And FYI, emotional robot position? It's not for you. Why don't you bring my girl back?"
She sighed. "What if it's all too much?" she asked, her lower lip quivering. As much as I hated to see her upset I was glad to see some emotion from her. "What if I can't handle what I learn. What if they tell me something I can't unhear? Something that will follow me around for the rest of my life? I don't know if I can handle that."
I kissed the top of her head. "She's your mother. You thought she'd abandoned you and she didn't. She's here now. She's alive. Most people don't get second chances like this. People don't come back from the dead but she did. Don't you think you owe it to her to hear her out? To hear Critter out?"
She nodded against my chest but her shoulders remained stiff. She was scared and she had every right to be, but I needed her to know she wasn't going to go through this alone.
"Say," I said, pulling away so I could look in her eyes. "You have me. Don't you know by now that I'd do anything for you? When the world gets heavy on your shoulders I'll carry the weight for you. I'll be there. I'm not going anywhere. Not now. Not ever."
Sawyer's lips turned upward in a smile. It was small but at least it was real. She sniffled. "Take me to her."
I sighed in relief but it wasn't a full breath. While Richard was still out there and Sawyer and her mom were here I'd never be able to fully relax. I pulled her back against me and rested my chin on top of her head. I wasn't lying when I told her I'd carry the weight of the world on my shoulders for her.
What I didn't mention was the possibility it might crush us both.
Chapter 5
Sawyer
Critter's house was a red ranch style home with a beige stucco exterior and black shutters encasing the two small front windows. I didn't know what to expect of his house, but what I didn't expect was for it to be sitting in a field of sunflowers.
I touched the sunflower pendant hanging from my neck. The one my mother had left for me in the box beneath my bed.
I remained in the car as Finn got out and opened my door. "Are you ready?" he asked me, helping me down and squeezing my hand tightly.
"I don't think I'll ever be," I answered. Finn led me up to the front porch where Critter was sitting on one of two wicker rocking chairs. He didn't waste any time. "Sawyer, I understand you're confused, but remember, so is she. Your mother has got some moments of clarity. Sometimes they last minutes and sometimes hours. Most of the time she thinks it's twenty-two years ago."
"I'm not going to upset her," I promised. "At least, I'll try not to."
Critter nodded to me and I turned to Finn. "I think I need to do this alone," I said.
"I'll be right out here waiting," he said, kissing my knuckles before releasing me. Critter opened the screen door for me. "Last door at the end of the hall."
My eyes adjusted to the darkness inside the cozy home with plush carpet and a million picture frames on the wall. It reminded me of a homier version of the bar.
When I got to the room at the end of the hall I half expected my mother to be lying in bed but instead she was sitting on a rocking chair in the corner, knitting. Her nurse, Maddy, was sitting on another chair nearby flipping through a magazine. Maddy lifted her head when she saw me and gave me a warning look.
"Critter said it was okay," I told her.
She looked to my mother and then back to me. "Caroline, you've got a visitor," she said loudly yet sweetly. "Best way not to upset her is don't correct her if she says something that doesn't sound right and don't remind her of who you are because chances are, with how she's doing right now, she's not gonna know." With that Maddy left the room and closed the door behind her.
"Hello, there, dear. What's your name?" My mother asked when she noticed me standing at the end of the bed. She set her knitting down. A tangle of baby pink yarn with no decipherable pattern. Her blonde hair was wet and neatly combed back. She wore a pink fluffy bathrobe over pink and white striped pajamas, complete with fuzzy slippers. It was the most color I'd ever seen her wear besides the yellow tank top in the picture I'd found in the box she'd left for me. She looked healthy. Heavier.
Stronger than I'd seen in years.
Physically anyway.
"Hi," I said, feeling odd not knowing how to introduce myself to my own mother. I searched her face for any signs of recognition.
