“She said, ‘It is here that love is to be found—not hidden away in corners but in the midst of occasions of sin.’ Perhaps she was right.”
“I think she was,” Eleanor said. “I liked this, what we did. Loved it.”
“I won’t lie to you, Eleanor. It’s been several weeks since I’ve hurt anyone. When you’re starving nearly any food will do. When you’re sated it takes much more to tempt you.”
“Is that a fancy way of saying I got off easy tonight?”
“I’m saying I got off easy tonight.”
Eleanor laughed. God, this felt good, being intimate with him. Naked. Talking. Laughing. Perfect.
Søren dropped a kiss on her sore shoulder.
“Tonight I gave you bruises, Little One. Someday it will be welts. It will be cuts and burns. I would never do anything to you that you did not want to do. Unfortunately, you may not know you dislike a certain act until you’ve tried it.”
“Eventually you’re going to have to realize I’m not scared of you.”
“Eventually you’ll have to realize that you need to be for both our sakes. Say ‘yes, sir’ if you understand.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Now put your clothes on before I change my mind.”
“Change your mind about what?” She slid off the bed and found her pajamas. It amazed her how comfortable she felt being naked around Søren. She didn’t even like taking her shirt off at the doctor’s office.
“About not taking your virginity in the bed where I lost mine without having any say in the matter.”
Eleanor’s heart plummeted at his words, spoken so simply and without any hint of the sorrow and shame she knew he must have felt that night. She came to him and wrapped her arms around him. He sat on the bed. She stood in front of him. Finally they were the same height.
“I want our first time in your bed at the rectory. Can we do that?” she asked.
“Yes. But it won’t be any time soon. You may feel ready for it, but I know I’m not. Tonight shouldn’t have happened. I don’t regret it and I certainly don’t want you to feel upset or ashamed about anything we did together. But the consequences for what we did could be enormous.”
“We’ll wait, then, as long as you think we should, until you feel safe.”
“I’ll feel more safe when you start feeling less safe.”
“I’ll work on that,” she promised, kissing his neck.
“This is why I want you to let Kingsley show you a few things. You might understand the risk involved better.”
“He won’t try to lose his watch inside me, will he?”
“I’m not entirely certain he wears a wristwatch.”
“That’s a relief.”
Søren raised a hand to her hair and brushed it off her face.
“You are too young for what I’ll ask of you. The pain is one thing, but the time, the intense commitment to me I’ll ask of you, is another. I love you too much to steal your youth from you no matter how much I want it for myself. You need to focus on your life. You need to go to college. You need to have a life outside of the church and away from me. You need to meet people….”
He paused then and let those words hover in the air between them. Meet people? What people? Before she could ask, he continued.
“The stronger and smarter and more independent the person, the better he or she is at submitting without losing themselves. I was with someone once a long time ago who would have died at my command. It terrified me to be loved that much. I’ll need you to help me stay in control.”
“I can do that. Order me to die for you.”
“Eleanor.”
“Try me,” she said, digging her fingers into the back of his hair. She had no idea when she’d get the chance to be alone with him like this again, to touch him so intimately again. She wanted to drink in every precious second of him.
“Die for me,” he ordered, his face a mask of seriousness.
“Go f**k yourself,” she replied, and kissed the tip of his nose.
He laughed and pulled her close to him.
“Was that the right answer?”
“It was.”
Eleanor relaxed into the embrace, tears ready to fall from her eyes. “I’m so sorry,” she began. “I mean, I’m sorry about what happened to you when you were a kid.”
“Don’t be sorry. I’m not. I’m sorry for what happened to Elizabeth but not sorry for me. It took years to come to a sense of peace about it, but that I am here with you in my arms means I can repent of nothing in my past that brought me to this moment.”
“Thank you. I guess I should say the same. We might not be here if I hadn’t stolen those cars.”
“Don’t let that be an excuse to ever do it again.”
“I promise. I’m a saint from now on.”
“I don’t believe a word of that.”
She laughed softly and held him even closer.
“I’m glad you finally told me what you are,” she said. “I like knowing I’m not the only one with a f**ked-up family and some embarrassing stuff in my past.”
Søren tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and kissed her forehead.
“When I was eighteen,” Søren began, “I left the Jesuit school that had been my home for eight years. I was leaving for Europe, to seminary in the fall. Before I left, I came here one more time.”
“I think she was,” Eleanor said. “I liked this, what we did. Loved it.”
“I won’t lie to you, Eleanor. It’s been several weeks since I’ve hurt anyone. When you’re starving nearly any food will do. When you’re sated it takes much more to tempt you.”
“Is that a fancy way of saying I got off easy tonight?”
“I’m saying I got off easy tonight.”
Eleanor laughed. God, this felt good, being intimate with him. Naked. Talking. Laughing. Perfect.
Søren dropped a kiss on her sore shoulder.
“Tonight I gave you bruises, Little One. Someday it will be welts. It will be cuts and burns. I would never do anything to you that you did not want to do. Unfortunately, you may not know you dislike a certain act until you’ve tried it.”
“Eventually you’re going to have to realize I’m not scared of you.”
“Eventually you’ll have to realize that you need to be for both our sakes. Say ‘yes, sir’ if you understand.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Now put your clothes on before I change my mind.”
“Change your mind about what?” She slid off the bed and found her pajamas. It amazed her how comfortable she felt being naked around Søren. She didn’t even like taking her shirt off at the doctor’s office.
“About not taking your virginity in the bed where I lost mine without having any say in the matter.”
Eleanor’s heart plummeted at his words, spoken so simply and without any hint of the sorrow and shame she knew he must have felt that night. She came to him and wrapped her arms around him. He sat on the bed. She stood in front of him. Finally they were the same height.
“I want our first time in your bed at the rectory. Can we do that?” she asked.
“Yes. But it won’t be any time soon. You may feel ready for it, but I know I’m not. Tonight shouldn’t have happened. I don’t regret it and I certainly don’t want you to feel upset or ashamed about anything we did together. But the consequences for what we did could be enormous.”
“We’ll wait, then, as long as you think we should, until you feel safe.”
“I’ll feel more safe when you start feeling less safe.”
“I’ll work on that,” she promised, kissing his neck.
“This is why I want you to let Kingsley show you a few things. You might understand the risk involved better.”
“He won’t try to lose his watch inside me, will he?”
“I’m not entirely certain he wears a wristwatch.”
“That’s a relief.”
Søren raised a hand to her hair and brushed it off her face.
“You are too young for what I’ll ask of you. The pain is one thing, but the time, the intense commitment to me I’ll ask of you, is another. I love you too much to steal your youth from you no matter how much I want it for myself. You need to focus on your life. You need to go to college. You need to have a life outside of the church and away from me. You need to meet people….”
He paused then and let those words hover in the air between them. Meet people? What people? Before she could ask, he continued.
“The stronger and smarter and more independent the person, the better he or she is at submitting without losing themselves. I was with someone once a long time ago who would have died at my command. It terrified me to be loved that much. I’ll need you to help me stay in control.”
“I can do that. Order me to die for you.”
“Eleanor.”
“Try me,” she said, digging her fingers into the back of his hair. She had no idea when she’d get the chance to be alone with him like this again, to touch him so intimately again. She wanted to drink in every precious second of him.
“Die for me,” he ordered, his face a mask of seriousness.
“Go f**k yourself,” she replied, and kissed the tip of his nose.
He laughed and pulled her close to him.
“Was that the right answer?”
“It was.”
Eleanor relaxed into the embrace, tears ready to fall from her eyes. “I’m so sorry,” she began. “I mean, I’m sorry about what happened to you when you were a kid.”
“Don’t be sorry. I’m not. I’m sorry for what happened to Elizabeth but not sorry for me. It took years to come to a sense of peace about it, but that I am here with you in my arms means I can repent of nothing in my past that brought me to this moment.”
“Thank you. I guess I should say the same. We might not be here if I hadn’t stolen those cars.”
“Don’t let that be an excuse to ever do it again.”
“I promise. I’m a saint from now on.”
“I don’t believe a word of that.”
She laughed softly and held him even closer.
“I’m glad you finally told me what you are,” she said. “I like knowing I’m not the only one with a f**ked-up family and some embarrassing stuff in my past.”
Søren tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and kissed her forehead.
“When I was eighteen,” Søren began, “I left the Jesuit school that had been my home for eight years. I was leaving for Europe, to seminary in the fall. Before I left, I came here one more time.”
