The Testing Guide
Page 12
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“I find one of Geoff’s boots ten feet away from Mina’s body. It takes me a minute to realize his foot is still in the boot and I start to scream. That’s where the dream ends.”
For a moment the night goes silent. No more sound of owls. No bugs flutter. Just the image of a boy not much older than me in pieces on an abandoned street. A boy who went to be tested . . .
“It was just a dream.” That’s what Dad used to tell me when I had nightmares. I always believed it. I want to believe it now.
“Maybe.” My father raises his eyes. The haunted despair in their depths makes me catch my breath. “For years I told myself it was just a dream. I consoled myself with the knowledge that I didn’t have a single waking memory of a girl named Mina. We made breakthroughs in our experiments. New plants I helped create began to thrive. I never told a soul about the dreams. Then the Commonwealth assigned me to work in Five Lakes. God, I was angry. Being assigned to Five Lakes was like an insult. Only a handful of University graduates were stationed here. I didn’t even have my own house when I first arrived. I had to sleep in Flint Carro’s living room.”
This part of the story is familiar. Normally, he tells it with a smile. Becoming friends with the colony’s doctor. Being dragged into the tailor’s shop by Flint. Seeing my mother sitting at a loom, weaving. Falling in love with her grace and kindness.
But that isn’t the story this time. And my father isn’t smiling.
“Flint’s house is small. There was no hiding the nightmares. Flint waited a week before he asked about them. I tried to brush him off. That’s when he told me about his own dreams. Not as scary. But disturbing. Faces of people he didn’t remember. Waiting for friends to return from an exam, but they never come. Over the next year, Flint and I talked to the other University graduates. There were seven of us then. We had to be careful because every Commonwealth employee is in contact with the officials in Tosu City. We didn’t want to jeopardize our jobs. I’m certain four of the others never lost a night’s sleep, but one, the head of the school, had a haunted look that I understood. She denied she had nightmares, but she must have.”
“You can’t know that.” I stand up and cross my arms over my chest, waiting for him to agree with me. I need him to agree.
His eyes meet mine. “No, but not a single student who graduated from Five Lakes was chosen for The Testing while she was in charge of the school. I don’t believe it was a coincidence. Do you?”
A shiver snakes up my spine. I don’t know what to believe. To believe my father’s dreams are something more than dreams is unthinkable. Tomorrow I leave for Tosu City. At the end of the week I will begin my Testing. To refuse is treason and all that implies. I want to scream and shout, but all I can do is stand there and shiver.
My father puts his arm around me and leads me back to the bench. I lean my head on his shoulder like I used to do when I was small. For a moment, I feel safe, but it doesn’t last.
“Flint says whatever process they used to wipe our memories could have caused the dreams. Our brains might be creating false memories to replace the ones that were taken.”
“But you don’t believe that.”
He shakes his head. “I was grateful when your brothers graduated and no one from Tosu City came to take them to be tested. Yesterday, I upset your brother by not publicly giving him the credit due to him because the magistrate received word a Tosu official was on his way. I didn’t want anyone questioning whether students should have been chosen before and whether past graduates should be reevaluated.”
He pulls me tight against him and rests his chin on top of my head. A tear falls on my cheek, but it isn’t mine. My father, who has always been so strong and smart and sure, is crying.
“So now what?” I squirm out of his arms and jump to my feet, angry. Angry that never once in all of our walks or conversations did he tell me these things. Never once when I was studying late into the night so I would do well on a test did he tell me what the consequences might be. “I leave in the morning. Why tell me this now? What good does it do?”
My father doesn’t raise his voice to meet mine. “Maybe none. Maybe Flint is right and our dreams are just hallucinations. But if there’s a chance they aren’t, it is better you know. Better that you go to Tosu City prepared to question everything you see and everyone you meet. That might be the difference between success or failure.” He crosses to me and puts his hands on my shoulders. I start to pull away, but then I notice the light reflecting off the tears pooling in his eyes. The fight goes out of me.
“Does Mom know?” I think she must, but at this point I’m not sure of anything.
“Your mother knows about the memory wipe and that I have nightmares, but not what they contain.”
I roll the words over in my head, testing them for the truth. “So, is that why Mom didn’t want me to be chosen?”
My father lays a hand on my face and rubs his thumb against my cheek. “Cia, I haven’t seen my parents since the day I left to be tested. To have a child chosen is an honor, but it also means loss. Your mother didn’t want to lose you.”
I don’t know how long we sit in silence. Long enough to hear my brothers’ voices announcing their return and my mother’s shouts chastising them for sneaking sweets. It all sounds so normal.
When my face is dry of tears, my father takes my hand and walks me back inside. We don’t mention Dad’s dreams or my new fears as Hamin teases the twins about my friends flirting with them. Mom puts out a platter of small cakes and sweetened mint tea as the boys pull out a deck of cards so we can all play one last game as a family. Even as I enjoy the laughter and warmth around the table, it feels incomplete without Zeen, who has yet to return. More than once I find myself watching the front door. I love all my brothers, but Zeen’s the one I go to when I have a problem I need to talk about. Zeen is always patient and insightful. He asks questions, and without fail I feel better after any discussion. Tonight I have a problem, but Zeen isn’t here.
For a moment the night goes silent. No more sound of owls. No bugs flutter. Just the image of a boy not much older than me in pieces on an abandoned street. A boy who went to be tested . . .
“It was just a dream.” That’s what Dad used to tell me when I had nightmares. I always believed it. I want to believe it now.
“Maybe.” My father raises his eyes. The haunted despair in their depths makes me catch my breath. “For years I told myself it was just a dream. I consoled myself with the knowledge that I didn’t have a single waking memory of a girl named Mina. We made breakthroughs in our experiments. New plants I helped create began to thrive. I never told a soul about the dreams. Then the Commonwealth assigned me to work in Five Lakes. God, I was angry. Being assigned to Five Lakes was like an insult. Only a handful of University graduates were stationed here. I didn’t even have my own house when I first arrived. I had to sleep in Flint Carro’s living room.”
This part of the story is familiar. Normally, he tells it with a smile. Becoming friends with the colony’s doctor. Being dragged into the tailor’s shop by Flint. Seeing my mother sitting at a loom, weaving. Falling in love with her grace and kindness.
But that isn’t the story this time. And my father isn’t smiling.
“Flint’s house is small. There was no hiding the nightmares. Flint waited a week before he asked about them. I tried to brush him off. That’s when he told me about his own dreams. Not as scary. But disturbing. Faces of people he didn’t remember. Waiting for friends to return from an exam, but they never come. Over the next year, Flint and I talked to the other University graduates. There were seven of us then. We had to be careful because every Commonwealth employee is in contact with the officials in Tosu City. We didn’t want to jeopardize our jobs. I’m certain four of the others never lost a night’s sleep, but one, the head of the school, had a haunted look that I understood. She denied she had nightmares, but she must have.”
“You can’t know that.” I stand up and cross my arms over my chest, waiting for him to agree with me. I need him to agree.
His eyes meet mine. “No, but not a single student who graduated from Five Lakes was chosen for The Testing while she was in charge of the school. I don’t believe it was a coincidence. Do you?”
A shiver snakes up my spine. I don’t know what to believe. To believe my father’s dreams are something more than dreams is unthinkable. Tomorrow I leave for Tosu City. At the end of the week I will begin my Testing. To refuse is treason and all that implies. I want to scream and shout, but all I can do is stand there and shiver.
My father puts his arm around me and leads me back to the bench. I lean my head on his shoulder like I used to do when I was small. For a moment, I feel safe, but it doesn’t last.
“Flint says whatever process they used to wipe our memories could have caused the dreams. Our brains might be creating false memories to replace the ones that were taken.”
“But you don’t believe that.”
He shakes his head. “I was grateful when your brothers graduated and no one from Tosu City came to take them to be tested. Yesterday, I upset your brother by not publicly giving him the credit due to him because the magistrate received word a Tosu official was on his way. I didn’t want anyone questioning whether students should have been chosen before and whether past graduates should be reevaluated.”
He pulls me tight against him and rests his chin on top of my head. A tear falls on my cheek, but it isn’t mine. My father, who has always been so strong and smart and sure, is crying.
“So now what?” I squirm out of his arms and jump to my feet, angry. Angry that never once in all of our walks or conversations did he tell me these things. Never once when I was studying late into the night so I would do well on a test did he tell me what the consequences might be. “I leave in the morning. Why tell me this now? What good does it do?”
My father doesn’t raise his voice to meet mine. “Maybe none. Maybe Flint is right and our dreams are just hallucinations. But if there’s a chance they aren’t, it is better you know. Better that you go to Tosu City prepared to question everything you see and everyone you meet. That might be the difference between success or failure.” He crosses to me and puts his hands on my shoulders. I start to pull away, but then I notice the light reflecting off the tears pooling in his eyes. The fight goes out of me.
“Does Mom know?” I think she must, but at this point I’m not sure of anything.
“Your mother knows about the memory wipe and that I have nightmares, but not what they contain.”
I roll the words over in my head, testing them for the truth. “So, is that why Mom didn’t want me to be chosen?”
My father lays a hand on my face and rubs his thumb against my cheek. “Cia, I haven’t seen my parents since the day I left to be tested. To have a child chosen is an honor, but it also means loss. Your mother didn’t want to lose you.”
I don’t know how long we sit in silence. Long enough to hear my brothers’ voices announcing their return and my mother’s shouts chastising them for sneaking sweets. It all sounds so normal.
When my face is dry of tears, my father takes my hand and walks me back inside. We don’t mention Dad’s dreams or my new fears as Hamin teases the twins about my friends flirting with them. Mom puts out a platter of small cakes and sweetened mint tea as the boys pull out a deck of cards so we can all play one last game as a family. Even as I enjoy the laughter and warmth around the table, it feels incomplete without Zeen, who has yet to return. More than once I find myself watching the front door. I love all my brothers, but Zeen’s the one I go to when I have a problem I need to talk about. Zeen is always patient and insightful. He asks questions, and without fail I feel better after any discussion. Tonight I have a problem, but Zeen isn’t here.
