A wave of sorrow broke inside her. How she longed to comfort him, to take him in her arms. Yet she knew that if she attempted this, were she to move even one step closer, the dream would dissolve, and she would be alone again.
-I do. Of course I do. There's nothing to forgive.
There's so much I never told you. He was staring intently at his hands. About Lila, and Eva. Our own little girl. You were so much like her.
-You didn't have to, Daddy. I knew, I knew. I always knew.
You filled my heart, Amy. That's what you did for me. You filled the place where Eva had been. But I couldn't save you any more than I could save her.
As if these words had willed it, the image of the room had begun to recede, the space between the two of them elongating like a hallway. A sudden desperation took her in its grip.
It's good to remember these things with you, Amy. If it's all right, I think I'll stay here for a while.
He was leaving her, he was telescoping away.
-Daddy, please. Don't go.
My brave girl. My brave Amy. He's waiting for you. He's been waiting all this time, in the ship. The answers are there. You need to go to him when the time comes.
-What ship? I don't know any ship.
But her pleas were no use; the dream was fading, Wolgast was almost gone. He was poised at the very edge of the enveloping darkness.
-Please, Daddy, she cried. Don't leave me. I don't know what to do.
At last he turned his face toward her and found her with his eyes. Bright, shining, piercing her heart.
Oh, I don't think I will ever leave you, Amy.
Chapter 25
CAMP VORHEES, WEST TEXAS
Western Headquarters of the Expeditionary
Though Lieutenant Peter Jaxon was a decorated military officer, a veteran of three separate campaigns and a man about whom stories were told, he sometimes felt as if his life had stopped.
He waited for orders; he waited for chow; he waited for the latrine. He waited for the weather to break, and when it didn't, he waited some more. Orders, weapons, supplies, news-all were things he waited for. For days and weeks and sometimes even months he waited, as if his time on earth had been consecrated to the very act of waiting, as if he were a man-sized waiting machine.
He was waiting now.
Something important was happening in the command tent; he had no doubt in his mind. All morning Apgar and the others had been sealed away. Peter had begun to fear the worst. For months they'd all heard the rumors: if the task force didn't kill one soon, the hunt would be abandoned.
Five years since his ride up the mountain with Amy. Five years hunting the Twelve. Five years with nothing to show for it.
Houston, home of Anthony Carter, subject Number Twelve, would have been the logical place to start, if the place hadn't been an impenetrable swamp. So, too, New Orleans, home of Number Five, Thaddeus Turrell. Tulsa, Oklahoma, seat of Rupert Sosa, had yielded nothing but disaster; the city was a vast ruin, dracs everywhere, and they'd lost sixteen men before making their escape.
There were others. Jefferson City, Missouri. Oglala, South Dakota. Everett, Washington. Bloomington, Minnesota. Orlando, Florida. Black Creek, Kentucky. Niagara Falls, New York. All distant and unreachable, many miles and years away. Tacked to the inside of the lid of his locker Peter kept a map, each of these cities circled in ink. The seats of the Twelve. To kill one of the Twelve was to kill his descendants, to free their minds for the journey into death. Or so Peter believed. That was what Lacey had taught him when she'd exploded the bomb that killed Babcock, subject Number One; what Amy had showed him, stepping from Lacey's cabin into the snowy field, where the Many had lain in the sun to die.
You are Smith, you are Tate, you are Dupree, you are Erie Ramos Ward Cho Singh Atkinson Johnson Montefusco Cohen Murrey Nguyen Elberson Lazaro Torres ...
They had been a group of ten then. Now they were six. Peter's brother was gone, and Maus, and Sara, too. Of the five that had made the trip to Roswell Garrison, only Hollis and Caleb had escaped-"Baby Caleb," though he was hardly a baby anymore, now in the orphanage in Kerrville, being raised by the sisters. When the virals had broken through the Roswell Garrison's perimeter, Hollis had run with Caleb to one of the hardboxes. Theo and Maus were already dead. No one knew what became of Sara; she had vanished into the melee. Hollis had looked for her body in the aftermath but found nothing. The only explanation was that she'd been taken up.
The years had scattered the others like the wind. Michael was at the refinery in Freeport, an oiler first class. Greer, who had joined them in Colorado, was in the stockade, sentenced to six years for deserting his command. And who knew where Hollis was. The man they'd known and loved like a brother had broken under the weight of Sara's death, his grief casting him into the dark underbelly of the city, the world of the trade. Peter had heard he'd risen through the ranks to become one of Tifty's top lieutenants. Of the original group, only Peter and Alicia had joined the hunt.
And Amy. What of Amy?
Peter thought of her often. She looked very much as she always had-like a girl of fourteen, not the 103 she actually was-but much had changed since their first meeting. The Girl from Nowhere, who spoke only in riddles when she spoke at all, was no more. In her place was a person much more present, more human. She spoke often of her past, not just her lonely years of wandering but her earliest memories of the Time Before: of her mother, and Lacey, and a camp in the mountains and the man who had saved her. Brad Wolgast. Not her real father, Amy said, she had never known who that was, but a father nonetheless. Whenever she spoke of him, a weight of grief entered her eyes. Peter knew without asking that he had died to protect her, and that this was a debt she could never repay, though she might spend her life-that infinite, unknowable span-trying to do just that.
She was with Caleb now, among the sisters, having taken up the gray frock of the Order. Peter didn't think Amy shared their beliefs-the sisters were a dour lot, professing a philosophical and physical chastity to reflect their conviction that these were the last days of humanity-but it was a more than adequate disguise, one Amy could easily pass off. Based on what had happened at the Colony, they'd all agreed that Amy's true identity, and the power she carried, was nothing anybody outside the leadership should know.
Peter walked to the mess, where he passed an empty hour. His platoon, twenty-four men, had just returned from a reconnaissance sweep to Lubbock to scout up salvageables; luck had been on their side, and they'd completed their mission without incident. The biggest prize had been a junkyard of old tires. In a day or two they'd return with a truck to take as many as they could carry for transport back to the vulcanizing plant in Kerrville.
The senior officers had been in the tent for hours. What could they be talking about?
His mind drifted back to the Colony. Odd that he wouldn't think about it for weeks or even months at a time, and then, without warning, the memories would sail into his mind. The events that had precipitated his departure now seemed as if they had happened to somebody else-not Lieutenant Peter Jaxon of the Expeditionary or even Peter Jaxon, Full Watch, but a kind of boy-man, his imagination circumscribed by the tiny patch of ground that defined his entire life. How much energy had he devoted to nurturing his own feelings of inadequacy, manifested in his petty rivalry with his brother, Theo? He thought with wistful pride of what his father, the great Demitrius Jaxon, Head of the Household, Captain of the Long Rides, would have said to him now. You've done well. You've taken the fight to them. I'm proud to call you son. Yet Peter would have given it all back for just one more hour in Theo's company.
And whenever he looked at Caleb, it was his brother he saw.
He was joined at the table by Satch Dodd. A junior officer like Peter, Satch had been a toddler when his family had been killed in the Massacre of the Field. As far as Peter was aware, Satch never said anything about this, though the story was well known.
"Any idea what it's all about?" Satch asked. He had a round, boyish face that made him appear completely earnest at all times.
Peter shook his head.
"Good haul up in Lubbock."
"Just tires."
Both their minds were elsewhere; they were simply filling time. "Tires are tires. We can't do much without them."
Satch's squad would be departing in the morning to do a hundred-mile sweep toward Midland. It was bad duty: the area was a cesspool of oil, bubbling up from old wells that had never been capped.
"I'll tell you something I heard," Satch said. "The Civilian Authority is looking into whether or not some of those old wells can still be operated, for when the tanks go dry. We may find ourselves garrisoning down there before too long."
Peter was startled; he'd never considered this possibility. "I thought there was enough oil in Freeport to last forever."
"There's forever and forever. In theory, yeah, there's plenty of slick down there. But sooner or later everything runs out." Satch squinted at him. "Don't you have a friend who's an oiler? One of your crew from California, wasn't it?"
"Michael."
Satch shook his head. "Walking all the way from California. That's still the craziest story I ever heard." He placed his palms on the table and rose. "If you hear anything from upstairs, let me know. If I had to bet, they'll be sending all of us down to Midland to wade in the slick before too long."
He left Peter alone. Satch's words had done nothing to cheer him; far from it. A half dozen enlisted clomped into the mess, talking among themselves with the rough-edged, profanity-laced familiarity of men looking for chow. Peter wouldn't have minded a little company to take his mind off his worries, but as they moved from the line in search of a table, none glanced in his direction; the tarnished silver bar on his collar and the poor spirits he was radiating were evidently enough to ward them away.
What could the senior officers be talking about?
To abandon the hunt: Peter couldn't imagine it. For five years he had thought of little else. He'd signed on with the Expeditionary right after Roswell; a lot of men had. For every person who'd perished that night, there was a friend, or brother, or son who had taken his place. The ones motivated solely by a need for revenge tended to wash out early or get themselves killed-you had to have a better reason-and Peter had no illusions about himself. Payback was a factor. But the roots of his desire went deeper. All his life, since the days of the Long Rides, he'd longed to be part of something, a cause larger than himself. He'd felt it the moment he'd taken the oath that bound him to his fellows; his purpose, his fate, his person-all were now wedded to theirs. He'd wondered if he'd be somehow less himself, his identity subsumed into the collective, but the opposite had proved true. It was nothing he could speak of, not with Theo and the others gone, but joining the Expeditionary had made him feel alive in a way he never had before. Watching the soldiers eat-laughing and joking and shoveling beans into their mouths as if it were the last meal of their lives-he recalled those early days with envy.
Because somewhere along the way, the feeling had left him. As campaigns were waged and men died and territory was taken and lost, none of it seeming to amount to anything, it had slowly slipped away. His bond to his men remained, a force as abiding as gravity, and he would have sacrificed himself for any one of them without a flicker of hesitation, as, he believed, they would have done for him. But something was missing; he didn't quite know what it was. He knew what Alicia would have told him. You're just tired. This is a long slog. It happens to everyone, be patient. Not wrong, but not the whole story, either.
Finally Peter could stand it no longer. He exited the tent and marched across the compound. All he needed was some pretext for knocking; with any luck, they'd let him inside, and he could glean some sense of what they were up to.
He needn't have bothered. As he made his approach, the door swung open: Major Henneman, the colonel's adjutant. Trim, a bristle of blond hair, slightly crooked teeth he showed only when he smiled, which was never.
"Jaxon. I was just going to look for you. Come inside."
Peter stepped into the shade of the tent, pausing in the doorway to let his eyes adjust. Seated around the broad table were all the senior staff-Majors Lewis and Hooper, Captains Rich, Perez, and Childs, and Colonel Apgar, the officer in charge of the task force-plus one more.
"Hi, Peter."
Alicia.
* * *
"There are two entrances I could find, here and here."
Alicia was directing everyone's attention to a map spread over the table: U.S. GEOLOGICAL SURVEY, SOUTHERN NEW MEXICO. Beside it was displayed a second map, smaller and faded with age: NATIONAL PARK SERVICE, CARLSBAD CAVERNS.
"The main opening to the cave is about three hundred yards wide. There's no way we can seal it even with our largest ED, and the terrain is too rugged to haul a flusher up there anyway."
"So what are you proposing?" Apgar asked.
"We box him in." She pointed to the map again. "I scouted another entrance, about a quarter mile away. It's an old elevator shaft. Martinez has to be somewhere between these two entrances. We set off a package of H2 at the base of the main entrance, inside the tunnel that leads toward the shaft. This should drive him toward the bottom of the elevator, where we position a single man to meet him on the way out."
"A single man," Apgar repeated. "Meaning you."
Alicia nodded.
The colonel leaned back in his chair. Everyone waited.
"Don't get me wrong, Lieutenant. I know what you're capable of. We all do. But if this thing is anything like the one you saw in Nevada, it sounds to me like a one-way trip."
"Anybody else will just slow me down."
-I do. Of course I do. There's nothing to forgive.
There's so much I never told you. He was staring intently at his hands. About Lila, and Eva. Our own little girl. You were so much like her.
-You didn't have to, Daddy. I knew, I knew. I always knew.
You filled my heart, Amy. That's what you did for me. You filled the place where Eva had been. But I couldn't save you any more than I could save her.
As if these words had willed it, the image of the room had begun to recede, the space between the two of them elongating like a hallway. A sudden desperation took her in its grip.
It's good to remember these things with you, Amy. If it's all right, I think I'll stay here for a while.
He was leaving her, he was telescoping away.
-Daddy, please. Don't go.
My brave girl. My brave Amy. He's waiting for you. He's been waiting all this time, in the ship. The answers are there. You need to go to him when the time comes.
-What ship? I don't know any ship.
But her pleas were no use; the dream was fading, Wolgast was almost gone. He was poised at the very edge of the enveloping darkness.
-Please, Daddy, she cried. Don't leave me. I don't know what to do.
At last he turned his face toward her and found her with his eyes. Bright, shining, piercing her heart.
Oh, I don't think I will ever leave you, Amy.
Chapter 25
CAMP VORHEES, WEST TEXAS
Western Headquarters of the Expeditionary
Though Lieutenant Peter Jaxon was a decorated military officer, a veteran of three separate campaigns and a man about whom stories were told, he sometimes felt as if his life had stopped.
He waited for orders; he waited for chow; he waited for the latrine. He waited for the weather to break, and when it didn't, he waited some more. Orders, weapons, supplies, news-all were things he waited for. For days and weeks and sometimes even months he waited, as if his time on earth had been consecrated to the very act of waiting, as if he were a man-sized waiting machine.
He was waiting now.
Something important was happening in the command tent; he had no doubt in his mind. All morning Apgar and the others had been sealed away. Peter had begun to fear the worst. For months they'd all heard the rumors: if the task force didn't kill one soon, the hunt would be abandoned.
Five years since his ride up the mountain with Amy. Five years hunting the Twelve. Five years with nothing to show for it.
Houston, home of Anthony Carter, subject Number Twelve, would have been the logical place to start, if the place hadn't been an impenetrable swamp. So, too, New Orleans, home of Number Five, Thaddeus Turrell. Tulsa, Oklahoma, seat of Rupert Sosa, had yielded nothing but disaster; the city was a vast ruin, dracs everywhere, and they'd lost sixteen men before making their escape.
There were others. Jefferson City, Missouri. Oglala, South Dakota. Everett, Washington. Bloomington, Minnesota. Orlando, Florida. Black Creek, Kentucky. Niagara Falls, New York. All distant and unreachable, many miles and years away. Tacked to the inside of the lid of his locker Peter kept a map, each of these cities circled in ink. The seats of the Twelve. To kill one of the Twelve was to kill his descendants, to free their minds for the journey into death. Or so Peter believed. That was what Lacey had taught him when she'd exploded the bomb that killed Babcock, subject Number One; what Amy had showed him, stepping from Lacey's cabin into the snowy field, where the Many had lain in the sun to die.
You are Smith, you are Tate, you are Dupree, you are Erie Ramos Ward Cho Singh Atkinson Johnson Montefusco Cohen Murrey Nguyen Elberson Lazaro Torres ...
They had been a group of ten then. Now they were six. Peter's brother was gone, and Maus, and Sara, too. Of the five that had made the trip to Roswell Garrison, only Hollis and Caleb had escaped-"Baby Caleb," though he was hardly a baby anymore, now in the orphanage in Kerrville, being raised by the sisters. When the virals had broken through the Roswell Garrison's perimeter, Hollis had run with Caleb to one of the hardboxes. Theo and Maus were already dead. No one knew what became of Sara; she had vanished into the melee. Hollis had looked for her body in the aftermath but found nothing. The only explanation was that she'd been taken up.
The years had scattered the others like the wind. Michael was at the refinery in Freeport, an oiler first class. Greer, who had joined them in Colorado, was in the stockade, sentenced to six years for deserting his command. And who knew where Hollis was. The man they'd known and loved like a brother had broken under the weight of Sara's death, his grief casting him into the dark underbelly of the city, the world of the trade. Peter had heard he'd risen through the ranks to become one of Tifty's top lieutenants. Of the original group, only Peter and Alicia had joined the hunt.
And Amy. What of Amy?
Peter thought of her often. She looked very much as she always had-like a girl of fourteen, not the 103 she actually was-but much had changed since their first meeting. The Girl from Nowhere, who spoke only in riddles when she spoke at all, was no more. In her place was a person much more present, more human. She spoke often of her past, not just her lonely years of wandering but her earliest memories of the Time Before: of her mother, and Lacey, and a camp in the mountains and the man who had saved her. Brad Wolgast. Not her real father, Amy said, she had never known who that was, but a father nonetheless. Whenever she spoke of him, a weight of grief entered her eyes. Peter knew without asking that he had died to protect her, and that this was a debt she could never repay, though she might spend her life-that infinite, unknowable span-trying to do just that.
She was with Caleb now, among the sisters, having taken up the gray frock of the Order. Peter didn't think Amy shared their beliefs-the sisters were a dour lot, professing a philosophical and physical chastity to reflect their conviction that these were the last days of humanity-but it was a more than adequate disguise, one Amy could easily pass off. Based on what had happened at the Colony, they'd all agreed that Amy's true identity, and the power she carried, was nothing anybody outside the leadership should know.
Peter walked to the mess, where he passed an empty hour. His platoon, twenty-four men, had just returned from a reconnaissance sweep to Lubbock to scout up salvageables; luck had been on their side, and they'd completed their mission without incident. The biggest prize had been a junkyard of old tires. In a day or two they'd return with a truck to take as many as they could carry for transport back to the vulcanizing plant in Kerrville.
The senior officers had been in the tent for hours. What could they be talking about?
His mind drifted back to the Colony. Odd that he wouldn't think about it for weeks or even months at a time, and then, without warning, the memories would sail into his mind. The events that had precipitated his departure now seemed as if they had happened to somebody else-not Lieutenant Peter Jaxon of the Expeditionary or even Peter Jaxon, Full Watch, but a kind of boy-man, his imagination circumscribed by the tiny patch of ground that defined his entire life. How much energy had he devoted to nurturing his own feelings of inadequacy, manifested in his petty rivalry with his brother, Theo? He thought with wistful pride of what his father, the great Demitrius Jaxon, Head of the Household, Captain of the Long Rides, would have said to him now. You've done well. You've taken the fight to them. I'm proud to call you son. Yet Peter would have given it all back for just one more hour in Theo's company.
And whenever he looked at Caleb, it was his brother he saw.
He was joined at the table by Satch Dodd. A junior officer like Peter, Satch had been a toddler when his family had been killed in the Massacre of the Field. As far as Peter was aware, Satch never said anything about this, though the story was well known.
"Any idea what it's all about?" Satch asked. He had a round, boyish face that made him appear completely earnest at all times.
Peter shook his head.
"Good haul up in Lubbock."
"Just tires."
Both their minds were elsewhere; they were simply filling time. "Tires are tires. We can't do much without them."
Satch's squad would be departing in the morning to do a hundred-mile sweep toward Midland. It was bad duty: the area was a cesspool of oil, bubbling up from old wells that had never been capped.
"I'll tell you something I heard," Satch said. "The Civilian Authority is looking into whether or not some of those old wells can still be operated, for when the tanks go dry. We may find ourselves garrisoning down there before too long."
Peter was startled; he'd never considered this possibility. "I thought there was enough oil in Freeport to last forever."
"There's forever and forever. In theory, yeah, there's plenty of slick down there. But sooner or later everything runs out." Satch squinted at him. "Don't you have a friend who's an oiler? One of your crew from California, wasn't it?"
"Michael."
Satch shook his head. "Walking all the way from California. That's still the craziest story I ever heard." He placed his palms on the table and rose. "If you hear anything from upstairs, let me know. If I had to bet, they'll be sending all of us down to Midland to wade in the slick before too long."
He left Peter alone. Satch's words had done nothing to cheer him; far from it. A half dozen enlisted clomped into the mess, talking among themselves with the rough-edged, profanity-laced familiarity of men looking for chow. Peter wouldn't have minded a little company to take his mind off his worries, but as they moved from the line in search of a table, none glanced in his direction; the tarnished silver bar on his collar and the poor spirits he was radiating were evidently enough to ward them away.
What could the senior officers be talking about?
To abandon the hunt: Peter couldn't imagine it. For five years he had thought of little else. He'd signed on with the Expeditionary right after Roswell; a lot of men had. For every person who'd perished that night, there was a friend, or brother, or son who had taken his place. The ones motivated solely by a need for revenge tended to wash out early or get themselves killed-you had to have a better reason-and Peter had no illusions about himself. Payback was a factor. But the roots of his desire went deeper. All his life, since the days of the Long Rides, he'd longed to be part of something, a cause larger than himself. He'd felt it the moment he'd taken the oath that bound him to his fellows; his purpose, his fate, his person-all were now wedded to theirs. He'd wondered if he'd be somehow less himself, his identity subsumed into the collective, but the opposite had proved true. It was nothing he could speak of, not with Theo and the others gone, but joining the Expeditionary had made him feel alive in a way he never had before. Watching the soldiers eat-laughing and joking and shoveling beans into their mouths as if it were the last meal of their lives-he recalled those early days with envy.
Because somewhere along the way, the feeling had left him. As campaigns were waged and men died and territory was taken and lost, none of it seeming to amount to anything, it had slowly slipped away. His bond to his men remained, a force as abiding as gravity, and he would have sacrificed himself for any one of them without a flicker of hesitation, as, he believed, they would have done for him. But something was missing; he didn't quite know what it was. He knew what Alicia would have told him. You're just tired. This is a long slog. It happens to everyone, be patient. Not wrong, but not the whole story, either.
Finally Peter could stand it no longer. He exited the tent and marched across the compound. All he needed was some pretext for knocking; with any luck, they'd let him inside, and he could glean some sense of what they were up to.
He needn't have bothered. As he made his approach, the door swung open: Major Henneman, the colonel's adjutant. Trim, a bristle of blond hair, slightly crooked teeth he showed only when he smiled, which was never.
"Jaxon. I was just going to look for you. Come inside."
Peter stepped into the shade of the tent, pausing in the doorway to let his eyes adjust. Seated around the broad table were all the senior staff-Majors Lewis and Hooper, Captains Rich, Perez, and Childs, and Colonel Apgar, the officer in charge of the task force-plus one more.
"Hi, Peter."
Alicia.
* * *
"There are two entrances I could find, here and here."
Alicia was directing everyone's attention to a map spread over the table: U.S. GEOLOGICAL SURVEY, SOUTHERN NEW MEXICO. Beside it was displayed a second map, smaller and faded with age: NATIONAL PARK SERVICE, CARLSBAD CAVERNS.
"The main opening to the cave is about three hundred yards wide. There's no way we can seal it even with our largest ED, and the terrain is too rugged to haul a flusher up there anyway."
"So what are you proposing?" Apgar asked.
"We box him in." She pointed to the map again. "I scouted another entrance, about a quarter mile away. It's an old elevator shaft. Martinez has to be somewhere between these two entrances. We set off a package of H2 at the base of the main entrance, inside the tunnel that leads toward the shaft. This should drive him toward the bottom of the elevator, where we position a single man to meet him on the way out."
"A single man," Apgar repeated. "Meaning you."
Alicia nodded.
The colonel leaned back in his chair. Everyone waited.
"Don't get me wrong, Lieutenant. I know what you're capable of. We all do. But if this thing is anything like the one you saw in Nevada, it sounds to me like a one-way trip."
"Anybody else will just slow me down."
