Peter felt his face grow warm. "Sorry, Colonel. That's not what I meant."
Apgar studied Peter a moment. "Look, I get it, Jaxon. Tell me something. How long have you been out here?"
Of course the colonel knew the answer; he was asking only to make a point. "Sixteen months."
"A long time in the sticks. You should have been rotated out a while ago. The only reason you haven't is that you always put in a request to stay. I've let it go because I know what the hunt means to you. In a way, you're the reason all of us are here."
"There's no place else I want to be, sir."
"And you've made that abundantly clear. But you're only human, Lieutenant. Frankly, you need the break. I'm headed back to Kerrville after we button things up, and as soon as I can, I'll put in a request at Division to move you back out to the territories. I'm not in the habit of making deals, so I suggest you take this one."
There was nothing to do but agree. "If I may ask, Colonel, what about Lieutenant Donadio?"
"She's got new orders, too. This isn't just you. As soon as she returns from the slicks, she's going north to Kearney."
Fort Kearney was the northernmost outpost of the Expeditionary. With a supply line stretching all the way from Amarillo, it was typically shut down before the first snowfall.
"Why there? Winter's only a couple of months away."
"Command doesn't tell me everything, but from what I hear it's gotten pretty thick up there. Given her talents, I'm guessing they want a new S2 to help clear out the hostiles before they evac."
The explanation felt thin, but Peter knew better than to press.
"I'm sorry about Satch," Apgar continued. "He was a good officer. I know you were friends."
"Thank you, sir."
"Dismissed, Lieutenant."
Peter spent the rest of the week in a state of suspension. With nothing else to occupy his time, he mostly stayed in his quarters. The map on the inside lid of the locker, once a badge of purpose, now felt like a bad joke. Maybe there was something to Alicia's theory, and maybe there wasn't. It seemed likely they would never find out. He thought of the time before he'd joined the Expeditionary, wondering if he'd made a mistake by enlisting. Back then, the fight had been his alone. Now it belonged to a larger enterprise, one with rules and protocols and chains of command in which he had little, if any, say. He had surrendered his freedom to become just another junior officer about whom people would someday remark, "He was a good guy."
The morning of his departure arrived. Peter carted his locker to the staging area where the transport awaited, a semitrailer loaded with the tires Peter's men had brought down from Lubbock. He hoisted his baggage into the cargo compartment of the escort vehicle and climbed into the passenger seat.
"Good to be going home, sir?"
Peter merely nodded. Anything he might have said would have sounded peevish, and the driver, a corporal from Satch's squad, didn't deserve to bear the brunt of his bad mood.
"I'll tell you the first thing I do after I collect my scrip," the corporal said, his exuberance barely contained. "I'm going straight to H-town to spend half of it on lick and the other half in a whorehouse." Suddenly embarrassed, he glanced at Peter with a flustered look. "Um, sorry, sir."
"That's all right, Corporal."
"Anybody at home for you, Lieutenant? If you don't mind my asking."
The answer was too complicated to even begin. "In a way."
The corporal gave a knowing smile. "Well, whoever she is, I'm sure she'll be happy to see you."
The order was given; with a belch of diesel fumes, the convoy began to pull away. Peter was already settling into the trancelike state he hoped to maintain for the next three days when he heard someone yelling over the racket of engines.
"Hold at the gate!"
Alicia was jogging toward the Humvee. Peter drew down the window.
"I just got back an hour ago," she said. "Who do you think you are, leaving without saying goodbye?"
Her face was a mask of oily grime; she smelled faintly of petroleum. But the thing that caught his eye was a glint of metal on her collar: a pair of captain's bars.
"Well, look at that," he said, managing a wry grin that he hoped masked his envy. "I guess I'll have to start calling you 'sir.' "
"I like the ring of that. About time, if you ask me."
"Apgar's cycling me out."
"I know. The Oil Road." There was no reason to elaborate. "It's easy duty, Peter. You've earned it."
"That's what they tell me."
"Say hi to the Circuit for me. And Greer, if you see him."
Peter nodded. There was only so much that could be said with the driver present. "When do you leave for Kearney?"
"Two days."
"All eyes up there. Apgar says it's gotten pretty thick."
"You, too." She glanced at the driver, who was studying the wheel with his eyes, then back at Peter. "Don't worry. What we were talking about before. It's not over, okay?"
He felt, inside her words, the pressure of something unstated. From behind them rose an impatient roar of engines. Everyone was waiting.
"Sir, we really have to be going," the driver said.
"That's okay, we're done here." Alicia regarded Peter one last time. "I mean it, Peter. It'll be all right. Just go see your boy."
Chapter 28
The first pain arrived, like a late train roaring into the station, on an afternoon in late September of warm Texas sunshine and a high blue sky. Amy was in the courtyard, watching the children play; in another few minutes the bell would sound, summoning them inside to finish their lessons, and Amy would return to the kitchen to help make dinner. An island of rest in the midst of the day's never-ending rhythm of tasks done and, just as swiftly, undone; always, when lunch was concluded and the dishes put away and the children set loose to burn off the morning's accumulated antsiness, Amy followed them outside and took up a position at the edge of the playground that was near enough for her to enjoy the bright energy of their activity while not so close as to allow the children to draw her in. These were her favorite thirty minutes of the day, and Amy had just closed her eyes and tilted her face to receive the warm rays of the early autumn sun when the pain hit: a powerful clenching in her midriff that caused her to bend sharply at the waist, stagger forward, and exhale a soft cry of shock that even in the busy hubbub of the courtyard could not fail to go unnoticed.
"Amy? Are you all right?"
The image of Sister Catherine-pale, long-faced, irises as blue as cornflowers-came into Amy's focus. The sweat was pouring off her; her hands and feet had turned to cold jelly. Everything below her waist seemed to have lost some essential density; in another moment Amy would, literally, melt to the ground. Part of her wanted to vomit while another part refused, creating an internal stalemate that rendered her unable to speak.
"Maybe you better sit down. You're white as a ghost."
Sister Catherine steered her to a bench against the wall of the orphanage-a distance of twenty feet that could have been a mile. By the time they reached it, Amy couldn't have taken another step without collapsing. With a bustle of concern, Sister Catherine left her, then returned with a cup of water, which she pressed into Amy's hand. Activity on the playground seemed to have proceeded without interruption, but Amy could sense that some of the children were watching her. The pain had dissipated into a more general nausea but not the feeling of weakness. She felt both hot and cold. More sisters had crowded around, all speaking in hushed, earnest voices, questioning Sister Catherine. Amy didn't want the water but everyone was insistent. She took a small sip.
"I'm sorry," she managed to say. "One minute I was perfectly fine ..."
"Over here, Sister," Catherine said, waving toward the doors to the orphanage. "Come quickly."
The small crowd parted as Sister Peg strode forward. The old woman studied Amy with a pinched expression that managed to seem both worried and irritated at the same time.
"Well? Will somebody tell me what happened here or will I have to guess?"
"I don't know," said Sister Catherine. "She just ... collapsed."
The playground had been brought to a standstill. All the children were staring at her now. Amy looked for Caleb, but her view was blocked by Sister Peg. She couldn't recall a time when she'd ever felt ill; she understood the principle but had never experienced the reality. Almost worse than the pain was the embarrassment. It made her want to say something, say anything, to get everyone to stop looking at her.
"Amy? Is that what happened?"
"I just felt dizzy. My stomach hurt. I don't know what it was."
The old woman pressed her palm to Amy's forehead. "Well, I don't think you have a fever."
"It was probably something I ate. I'm sure if I sit here another minute I'll be okay."
"She doesn't look good," Sister Catherine chimed in, and the others nodded. "Honestly, Amy, I thought you were going to pass out."
A general murmuring ensued. No, she didn't look good, not good at all. Could it be the flu? Something worse? If it was something the girl had eaten, would they all become sick, too?
Sister Peg allowed the group its moment of conjecture, then brought them to silence with a raised hand. "I don't see a reason to take chances. Off to bed with you, Amy."
"But I'm really feeling much better. I'm sure I'll be all right."
"I'll be the judge of that, thank you. Sister Catherine, will you assist her to the dormitory?"
Catherine helped her to her feet. She felt a little unsteady, and her stomach wasn't quite what it should be. But the worst of it had passed. Catherine led her into the building and up the stairs to the room where all the sisters slept, except for Sister Peg, who, being in charge, had quarters of her own. Amy undressed and got into bed.
"Can I do anything else?" Sister Catherine was drawing the shades.
"I'm fine." Amy did her best to smile. "I think I just need to rest a bit."
Standing at the foot of the cot, Catherine regarded her for a moment. "You know what this could be, don't you? A girl your age."
Your age. If Sister Catherine only knew, thought Amy. Yet Amy also understood what the woman was suggesting. The idea took her by surprise.
Sister Catherine smiled with sympathy. "Well, if it is, you'll know soon enough. Believe me, we've all been through it."
Making Amy promise to call her if she needed anything, Catherine made her departure. Amy leaned back on her cot and closed her eyes. The afternoon bell had rung; downstairs, the children would be filing in for their lessons, smelling of sun and sweat and fresh afternoon air, some of them, perhaps, wondering what all the fuss on the playground had been about. Surely Caleb would be worried about her; Amy should have told Sister Catherine to say something to the boy. She's just tired. She was feeling out of sorts. She'll be right as rain in a jiff, you'll see.
And yet: A girl your age. Was it possible? All the sisters complained about the "ordeal," as they called it; it was a common joke of the orphanage that living in such tight quarters, everybody menstruated at the same time, making one week of every four a nightmare of bloody rags and quick tempers. For a hundred years Amy had lived in complete innocence of these basic facts; even now she could not have said she understood the phenomenon completely, but she grasped the gist. You bled, not a lot but some, and this would be uncomfortable, extending over a period of days. For a while Amy had regarded the prospect with horror, but over time this feeling had yielded to a fierce, almost biological yearning, and the fear that none of this would ever happen to her, that this door of human belonging would always stay closed and she would live in a child's body forever.
She checked: no, she wasn't bleeding. If Sister Catherine was correct, how long before it started? She wished she'd taken the opportunity to ask Catherine more. How much blood would there be, how much pain, how would she feel different? Though in her case, Amy reasoned, nothing would quite be the same. Maybe it would be worse; maybe it would be better; maybe it would never happen at all.
She would have liked to be a woman. To see it reflected in another's eyes. For her body to know what her heart already did.
A scratchy mewing interrupted her train of thought. Of course Mouser would come to check on her. The old gray cat ambled to her bedside. A pitiful sight he was-eyes fogged with cataracts, fur matted and tacky, his tail dragging with age. "Did you come to look in on me? Did you, boy? Well, come here." Amy lifted him from the floor, leaned back on her cot, and balanced him on her chest. She ran her hands through his coat; he replied in kind, butting his head against her neck. The sun is out, why are you in bed? He circled three times before settling down on her chest, loudly purring. It's fine. You sleep. I'll be right here.
Amy closed her eyes.
Then it was night, and Amy was outside.
How had she gotten outside?
She was still wearing her nightgown; her feet were bare and damp with dew. The hour was impossible to know but felt late. Was she dreaming? But if she was still asleep, why did everything feel so real? She took measure of her surroundings. She was near the dam on the upstream side. The air was cool and moist. She felt a lingering urgency, as if she'd awoken from a dream of being chased. Why was she here? Had she been sleepwalking?
Something brushed her leg, making her startle. She looked down to see Mouser, staring at her with his clouded eyes. He began, loudly, to meow, then trotted toward the dam, stopping a few feet away to look at her again.
Apgar studied Peter a moment. "Look, I get it, Jaxon. Tell me something. How long have you been out here?"
Of course the colonel knew the answer; he was asking only to make a point. "Sixteen months."
"A long time in the sticks. You should have been rotated out a while ago. The only reason you haven't is that you always put in a request to stay. I've let it go because I know what the hunt means to you. In a way, you're the reason all of us are here."
"There's no place else I want to be, sir."
"And you've made that abundantly clear. But you're only human, Lieutenant. Frankly, you need the break. I'm headed back to Kerrville after we button things up, and as soon as I can, I'll put in a request at Division to move you back out to the territories. I'm not in the habit of making deals, so I suggest you take this one."
There was nothing to do but agree. "If I may ask, Colonel, what about Lieutenant Donadio?"
"She's got new orders, too. This isn't just you. As soon as she returns from the slicks, she's going north to Kearney."
Fort Kearney was the northernmost outpost of the Expeditionary. With a supply line stretching all the way from Amarillo, it was typically shut down before the first snowfall.
"Why there? Winter's only a couple of months away."
"Command doesn't tell me everything, but from what I hear it's gotten pretty thick up there. Given her talents, I'm guessing they want a new S2 to help clear out the hostiles before they evac."
The explanation felt thin, but Peter knew better than to press.
"I'm sorry about Satch," Apgar continued. "He was a good officer. I know you were friends."
"Thank you, sir."
"Dismissed, Lieutenant."
Peter spent the rest of the week in a state of suspension. With nothing else to occupy his time, he mostly stayed in his quarters. The map on the inside lid of the locker, once a badge of purpose, now felt like a bad joke. Maybe there was something to Alicia's theory, and maybe there wasn't. It seemed likely they would never find out. He thought of the time before he'd joined the Expeditionary, wondering if he'd made a mistake by enlisting. Back then, the fight had been his alone. Now it belonged to a larger enterprise, one with rules and protocols and chains of command in which he had little, if any, say. He had surrendered his freedom to become just another junior officer about whom people would someday remark, "He was a good guy."
The morning of his departure arrived. Peter carted his locker to the staging area where the transport awaited, a semitrailer loaded with the tires Peter's men had brought down from Lubbock. He hoisted his baggage into the cargo compartment of the escort vehicle and climbed into the passenger seat.
"Good to be going home, sir?"
Peter merely nodded. Anything he might have said would have sounded peevish, and the driver, a corporal from Satch's squad, didn't deserve to bear the brunt of his bad mood.
"I'll tell you the first thing I do after I collect my scrip," the corporal said, his exuberance barely contained. "I'm going straight to H-town to spend half of it on lick and the other half in a whorehouse." Suddenly embarrassed, he glanced at Peter with a flustered look. "Um, sorry, sir."
"That's all right, Corporal."
"Anybody at home for you, Lieutenant? If you don't mind my asking."
The answer was too complicated to even begin. "In a way."
The corporal gave a knowing smile. "Well, whoever she is, I'm sure she'll be happy to see you."
The order was given; with a belch of diesel fumes, the convoy began to pull away. Peter was already settling into the trancelike state he hoped to maintain for the next three days when he heard someone yelling over the racket of engines.
"Hold at the gate!"
Alicia was jogging toward the Humvee. Peter drew down the window.
"I just got back an hour ago," she said. "Who do you think you are, leaving without saying goodbye?"
Her face was a mask of oily grime; she smelled faintly of petroleum. But the thing that caught his eye was a glint of metal on her collar: a pair of captain's bars.
"Well, look at that," he said, managing a wry grin that he hoped masked his envy. "I guess I'll have to start calling you 'sir.' "
"I like the ring of that. About time, if you ask me."
"Apgar's cycling me out."
"I know. The Oil Road." There was no reason to elaborate. "It's easy duty, Peter. You've earned it."
"That's what they tell me."
"Say hi to the Circuit for me. And Greer, if you see him."
Peter nodded. There was only so much that could be said with the driver present. "When do you leave for Kearney?"
"Two days."
"All eyes up there. Apgar says it's gotten pretty thick."
"You, too." She glanced at the driver, who was studying the wheel with his eyes, then back at Peter. "Don't worry. What we were talking about before. It's not over, okay?"
He felt, inside her words, the pressure of something unstated. From behind them rose an impatient roar of engines. Everyone was waiting.
"Sir, we really have to be going," the driver said.
"That's okay, we're done here." Alicia regarded Peter one last time. "I mean it, Peter. It'll be all right. Just go see your boy."
Chapter 28
The first pain arrived, like a late train roaring into the station, on an afternoon in late September of warm Texas sunshine and a high blue sky. Amy was in the courtyard, watching the children play; in another few minutes the bell would sound, summoning them inside to finish their lessons, and Amy would return to the kitchen to help make dinner. An island of rest in the midst of the day's never-ending rhythm of tasks done and, just as swiftly, undone; always, when lunch was concluded and the dishes put away and the children set loose to burn off the morning's accumulated antsiness, Amy followed them outside and took up a position at the edge of the playground that was near enough for her to enjoy the bright energy of their activity while not so close as to allow the children to draw her in. These were her favorite thirty minutes of the day, and Amy had just closed her eyes and tilted her face to receive the warm rays of the early autumn sun when the pain hit: a powerful clenching in her midriff that caused her to bend sharply at the waist, stagger forward, and exhale a soft cry of shock that even in the busy hubbub of the courtyard could not fail to go unnoticed.
"Amy? Are you all right?"
The image of Sister Catherine-pale, long-faced, irises as blue as cornflowers-came into Amy's focus. The sweat was pouring off her; her hands and feet had turned to cold jelly. Everything below her waist seemed to have lost some essential density; in another moment Amy would, literally, melt to the ground. Part of her wanted to vomit while another part refused, creating an internal stalemate that rendered her unable to speak.
"Maybe you better sit down. You're white as a ghost."
Sister Catherine steered her to a bench against the wall of the orphanage-a distance of twenty feet that could have been a mile. By the time they reached it, Amy couldn't have taken another step without collapsing. With a bustle of concern, Sister Catherine left her, then returned with a cup of water, which she pressed into Amy's hand. Activity on the playground seemed to have proceeded without interruption, but Amy could sense that some of the children were watching her. The pain had dissipated into a more general nausea but not the feeling of weakness. She felt both hot and cold. More sisters had crowded around, all speaking in hushed, earnest voices, questioning Sister Catherine. Amy didn't want the water but everyone was insistent. She took a small sip.
"I'm sorry," she managed to say. "One minute I was perfectly fine ..."
"Over here, Sister," Catherine said, waving toward the doors to the orphanage. "Come quickly."
The small crowd parted as Sister Peg strode forward. The old woman studied Amy with a pinched expression that managed to seem both worried and irritated at the same time.
"Well? Will somebody tell me what happened here or will I have to guess?"
"I don't know," said Sister Catherine. "She just ... collapsed."
The playground had been brought to a standstill. All the children were staring at her now. Amy looked for Caleb, but her view was blocked by Sister Peg. She couldn't recall a time when she'd ever felt ill; she understood the principle but had never experienced the reality. Almost worse than the pain was the embarrassment. It made her want to say something, say anything, to get everyone to stop looking at her.
"Amy? Is that what happened?"
"I just felt dizzy. My stomach hurt. I don't know what it was."
The old woman pressed her palm to Amy's forehead. "Well, I don't think you have a fever."
"It was probably something I ate. I'm sure if I sit here another minute I'll be okay."
"She doesn't look good," Sister Catherine chimed in, and the others nodded. "Honestly, Amy, I thought you were going to pass out."
A general murmuring ensued. No, she didn't look good, not good at all. Could it be the flu? Something worse? If it was something the girl had eaten, would they all become sick, too?
Sister Peg allowed the group its moment of conjecture, then brought them to silence with a raised hand. "I don't see a reason to take chances. Off to bed with you, Amy."
"But I'm really feeling much better. I'm sure I'll be all right."
"I'll be the judge of that, thank you. Sister Catherine, will you assist her to the dormitory?"
Catherine helped her to her feet. She felt a little unsteady, and her stomach wasn't quite what it should be. But the worst of it had passed. Catherine led her into the building and up the stairs to the room where all the sisters slept, except for Sister Peg, who, being in charge, had quarters of her own. Amy undressed and got into bed.
"Can I do anything else?" Sister Catherine was drawing the shades.
"I'm fine." Amy did her best to smile. "I think I just need to rest a bit."
Standing at the foot of the cot, Catherine regarded her for a moment. "You know what this could be, don't you? A girl your age."
Your age. If Sister Catherine only knew, thought Amy. Yet Amy also understood what the woman was suggesting. The idea took her by surprise.
Sister Catherine smiled with sympathy. "Well, if it is, you'll know soon enough. Believe me, we've all been through it."
Making Amy promise to call her if she needed anything, Catherine made her departure. Amy leaned back on her cot and closed her eyes. The afternoon bell had rung; downstairs, the children would be filing in for their lessons, smelling of sun and sweat and fresh afternoon air, some of them, perhaps, wondering what all the fuss on the playground had been about. Surely Caleb would be worried about her; Amy should have told Sister Catherine to say something to the boy. She's just tired. She was feeling out of sorts. She'll be right as rain in a jiff, you'll see.
And yet: A girl your age. Was it possible? All the sisters complained about the "ordeal," as they called it; it was a common joke of the orphanage that living in such tight quarters, everybody menstruated at the same time, making one week of every four a nightmare of bloody rags and quick tempers. For a hundred years Amy had lived in complete innocence of these basic facts; even now she could not have said she understood the phenomenon completely, but she grasped the gist. You bled, not a lot but some, and this would be uncomfortable, extending over a period of days. For a while Amy had regarded the prospect with horror, but over time this feeling had yielded to a fierce, almost biological yearning, and the fear that none of this would ever happen to her, that this door of human belonging would always stay closed and she would live in a child's body forever.
She checked: no, she wasn't bleeding. If Sister Catherine was correct, how long before it started? She wished she'd taken the opportunity to ask Catherine more. How much blood would there be, how much pain, how would she feel different? Though in her case, Amy reasoned, nothing would quite be the same. Maybe it would be worse; maybe it would be better; maybe it would never happen at all.
She would have liked to be a woman. To see it reflected in another's eyes. For her body to know what her heart already did.
A scratchy mewing interrupted her train of thought. Of course Mouser would come to check on her. The old gray cat ambled to her bedside. A pitiful sight he was-eyes fogged with cataracts, fur matted and tacky, his tail dragging with age. "Did you come to look in on me? Did you, boy? Well, come here." Amy lifted him from the floor, leaned back on her cot, and balanced him on her chest. She ran her hands through his coat; he replied in kind, butting his head against her neck. The sun is out, why are you in bed? He circled three times before settling down on her chest, loudly purring. It's fine. You sleep. I'll be right here.
Amy closed her eyes.
Then it was night, and Amy was outside.
How had she gotten outside?
She was still wearing her nightgown; her feet were bare and damp with dew. The hour was impossible to know but felt late. Was she dreaming? But if she was still asleep, why did everything feel so real? She took measure of her surroundings. She was near the dam on the upstream side. The air was cool and moist. She felt a lingering urgency, as if she'd awoken from a dream of being chased. Why was she here? Had she been sleepwalking?
Something brushed her leg, making her startle. She looked down to see Mouser, staring at her with his clouded eyes. He began, loudly, to meow, then trotted toward the dam, stopping a few feet away to look at her again.
