Elle shook her head. She couldn’t stomach the thought of being touched intimately yet by anyone other than herself. “No, you don’t have to. I already had an orgasm tonight.”
“Were you masturbating?” Kyrie asked, a fair question.
“Dreaming,” Elle said. “I woke up from the dream having an orgasm.”
“You said you were dreaming about the night you got pregnant. You know exactly when it happened?”
“I do,” she said without hesitation. “I remember the day Søren left for Rome. I remember the day I went to the doctor because of my kidney infection. I was on antibiotics for two weeks. When I felt better, Kingsley and I had sex. The next night we only had anal. Can’t get pregnant from anal. The next morning he left for a few days. I remember...” She paused, closed her eyes... She could feel Kingsley inside her again, see him underneath her. And she missed it. Him. She missed him.
“I’m sorry. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
“We can talk about it. But you’re the nun, and I’m the unrepentant slut. It’ll probably bother you a lot more to hear about it than it’ll bother me to talk about it.”
“I’m not...” Kyrie paused. “Let’s just say I haven’t made up my mind about abortion the way the Catholic Church has. I can’t imagine it’s ever an easy choice. But I can imagine that sometimes it’s the only choice you’d have.”
“It was the right choice,” Elle said. “But no, I wouldn’t call it easy.”
“Why did you do it?”
“When I was seventeen, God and I had a long talk. I told him that I would never ask Søren to leave the priesthood if God would let Søren and I be together. Something happened that night and whatever childish dreams I’d had of marrying him and having his children burned to ashes. I have new dreams now. Children aren’t part of my dreams. Is that selfish?”
“Children aren’t part of my dreams, either. How can I judge you without judging myself?”
“Even if I did want children, I don’t think my life is...was the sort of life you should bring a child into.” She rubbed her forehead and laughed. “You know what Friday night is at Kingsley’s house?”
“I don’t know? Game night?”
“Orgy night,” she said. “He throws these wild parties on Friday nights and all the rich beautiful people of Manhattan show up and get off. You walk around and there are naked women everywhere with men fucking them over and on top of every piece of furniture in the place. Except the piano. The piano was off-limits.”
“Why not the piano? Is Kingsley some big music lover?”
“The piano was Kingsley’s gift to Søren.” Kingsley had bought the piano even before he and Søren had reunited. A gift? More like an altar.
“What about Kingsley?”
Elle sighed heavily and closed her eyes.
“Kingsley...that’s the only knot I can’t quite untie. Kingsley wants children. He always has. I took that chance from him.”
“He’ll have other chances.”
“I tell myself that. I hope I’m right.”
“It’s not your job to provide a baby for every man who wants one,” Kyrie said. “If God wanted women to be baby makers, He wouldn’t have called so many of us to religious orders.”
“Kingsley’s special,” Elle said. “And he would never have wanted me to have a child against my will. I know that. But I also know that he wished I’d wanted it. That’s what still hurts, knowing he’s still hurting.”
“So when did you realize you were pregnant?”
“It was a few days before Søren was due to come back from Rome. He was defending his dissertation at the Jesuit university there. PhD number two.”
“Two PhDs? That’s crazy. He must be really smart.”
“He’s the most intelligent man I’ve ever known. And such a nerd,” Elle said, smiling. “But he’s a Jesuit. PhDs are like catnip to Jesuits. They pop a boner around academic degrees like a teenage boy with his first Playboy.”
“Oh God, my great-uncle’s a Jesuit.”
“Sorry,” Elle said, wincing. “How many PhDs does he have?”
“Three. Which is probably the same number of boners he’s had since becoming a Jesuit.”
Elle laughed.
“Not the sexy, vow-breaking kind of Jesuit then?”
“Dry as dust and about as sexy,” Kyrie said.
“Søren is sexy,” Elle said. “You’ve never seen a more beautiful man in your life. Blond hair. Darker than yours but still very blond. Handsome. Strong nose and jaw. Gray eyes like the color of a cloudy morning. And he’s tall—six foot four. Tall and strong. I used to sit on his back while he did push-ups in the morning. Five hundred of them without me. Or one hundred of them with me.”
“Wow, that is seriously strong.”
“Once we spent the night at Kingsley’s and Kingsley took over push-up duty. He stood barefoot on Søren’s back. Søren only made it to fifty Kingsley push-ups, but that’s still pretty good. Kingsley’s six feet tall, weighs about one-ninety, I think.”
“Oh my God. I weigh ninety-five pounds. He’s exactly two of me.”
Elle gave a wistful sigh. “I was living in this erotic Paradise. If Søren was busy there was always Kingsley. If Kingsley and Søren were free at the same time, it was both of them in the same bed. All night long.”
“Were you masturbating?” Kyrie asked, a fair question.
“Dreaming,” Elle said. “I woke up from the dream having an orgasm.”
“You said you were dreaming about the night you got pregnant. You know exactly when it happened?”
“I do,” she said without hesitation. “I remember the day Søren left for Rome. I remember the day I went to the doctor because of my kidney infection. I was on antibiotics for two weeks. When I felt better, Kingsley and I had sex. The next night we only had anal. Can’t get pregnant from anal. The next morning he left for a few days. I remember...” She paused, closed her eyes... She could feel Kingsley inside her again, see him underneath her. And she missed it. Him. She missed him.
“I’m sorry. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
“We can talk about it. But you’re the nun, and I’m the unrepentant slut. It’ll probably bother you a lot more to hear about it than it’ll bother me to talk about it.”
“I’m not...” Kyrie paused. “Let’s just say I haven’t made up my mind about abortion the way the Catholic Church has. I can’t imagine it’s ever an easy choice. But I can imagine that sometimes it’s the only choice you’d have.”
“It was the right choice,” Elle said. “But no, I wouldn’t call it easy.”
“Why did you do it?”
“When I was seventeen, God and I had a long talk. I told him that I would never ask Søren to leave the priesthood if God would let Søren and I be together. Something happened that night and whatever childish dreams I’d had of marrying him and having his children burned to ashes. I have new dreams now. Children aren’t part of my dreams. Is that selfish?”
“Children aren’t part of my dreams, either. How can I judge you without judging myself?”
“Even if I did want children, I don’t think my life is...was the sort of life you should bring a child into.” She rubbed her forehead and laughed. “You know what Friday night is at Kingsley’s house?”
“I don’t know? Game night?”
“Orgy night,” she said. “He throws these wild parties on Friday nights and all the rich beautiful people of Manhattan show up and get off. You walk around and there are naked women everywhere with men fucking them over and on top of every piece of furniture in the place. Except the piano. The piano was off-limits.”
“Why not the piano? Is Kingsley some big music lover?”
“The piano was Kingsley’s gift to Søren.” Kingsley had bought the piano even before he and Søren had reunited. A gift? More like an altar.
“What about Kingsley?”
Elle sighed heavily and closed her eyes.
“Kingsley...that’s the only knot I can’t quite untie. Kingsley wants children. He always has. I took that chance from him.”
“He’ll have other chances.”
“I tell myself that. I hope I’m right.”
“It’s not your job to provide a baby for every man who wants one,” Kyrie said. “If God wanted women to be baby makers, He wouldn’t have called so many of us to religious orders.”
“Kingsley’s special,” Elle said. “And he would never have wanted me to have a child against my will. I know that. But I also know that he wished I’d wanted it. That’s what still hurts, knowing he’s still hurting.”
“So when did you realize you were pregnant?”
“It was a few days before Søren was due to come back from Rome. He was defending his dissertation at the Jesuit university there. PhD number two.”
“Two PhDs? That’s crazy. He must be really smart.”
“He’s the most intelligent man I’ve ever known. And such a nerd,” Elle said, smiling. “But he’s a Jesuit. PhDs are like catnip to Jesuits. They pop a boner around academic degrees like a teenage boy with his first Playboy.”
“Oh God, my great-uncle’s a Jesuit.”
“Sorry,” Elle said, wincing. “How many PhDs does he have?”
“Three. Which is probably the same number of boners he’s had since becoming a Jesuit.”
Elle laughed.
“Not the sexy, vow-breaking kind of Jesuit then?”
“Dry as dust and about as sexy,” Kyrie said.
“Søren is sexy,” Elle said. “You’ve never seen a more beautiful man in your life. Blond hair. Darker than yours but still very blond. Handsome. Strong nose and jaw. Gray eyes like the color of a cloudy morning. And he’s tall—six foot four. Tall and strong. I used to sit on his back while he did push-ups in the morning. Five hundred of them without me. Or one hundred of them with me.”
“Wow, that is seriously strong.”
“Once we spent the night at Kingsley’s and Kingsley took over push-up duty. He stood barefoot on Søren’s back. Søren only made it to fifty Kingsley push-ups, but that’s still pretty good. Kingsley’s six feet tall, weighs about one-ninety, I think.”
“Oh my God. I weigh ninety-five pounds. He’s exactly two of me.”
Elle gave a wistful sigh. “I was living in this erotic Paradise. If Søren was busy there was always Kingsley. If Kingsley and Søren were free at the same time, it was both of them in the same bed. All night long.”
