“Is she available?”
I sigh and rub my forehead. “She’s separated. But he showed up again a few days ago.”
“Ah.” He strokes his beard, his eyes smiling at me.
He’s the only one in my family who knows what I did. I went on a drunken binge after Olivia left and landed up punching a cop outside of a bar. I called him to come bail me out. He didn’t tell my mother, even when I confessed everything to him about the amnesia. He never once judged me. Only affirmed that people did crazy things when it came to love.
“What do I do, Steve?”
“I can’t tell you what to do, son. She brings out the worst in you and the best in you.”
It’s true and it’s hard to hear.
“Did you tell her how you feel?”
I nod.
“Then all you can do is wait.”
“What if she doesn’t choose me?”
He grins and leans forward in his seat. “Well, there’s always Leah…”
My laugh starts in my chest and works its way out.
“Worst joke ever, Steve … worst joke ever.”
Just like that, as soon as it began again, she’s back together with Noah. I know because she doesn’t call me. She doesn’t text. She moves on with her life and leaves me in the balance.
Chapter Seventeen
My anger burned. I wanted to kill him, slowly, with my hands.
Jim … he had almost — I didn’t want to think about what he’d almost done. And what if I hadn’t been around? Who would she have called? Three years she’d lived without me, I had to remind myself. Three years of drying her own tears and staving off ass**les with her spiked words. She hadn’t fallen apart without me. She’d grown tougher. I don’t know if I felt relieved or sore about it. I’d had too much pride to admit my fault in our demise. By not saying more, by not fighting harder for her, I’d allowed her to believe it was her fault. And it wasn’t. Her only fault had been her brokenness. Not knowing how to express what she was feeling. Olivia was her own worst enemy. She decided something about herself and then she sabotaged her own happiness with it. She needed the type of love that stayed no matter what. She needed to see that nothing could devalue her in my eyes. Fuck, I hated myself. But, I’d been a child. I’d been given something valuable and I hadn’t known how to take care of it. I still wasn’t sure I knew how. But, one thing was certain — if anyone touched her, I’d kill them. I was going to kill him. Make up for lost time when I hadn’t been there to protect her.
I walked calmly to my car because she was watching. As soon as I pulled out of her development, I gunned it. She’d slept against my chest, clinging to me like a child. I’d stayed awake the whole night, torn between wanting to comfort her and wanting to beat the shit out of him. I carried her to her bed, just as the sun was coming up, and went back to the living room to call some hotels. When she woke up, I told her that he’d checked out the night before and left town. But, that wasn’t the case. The drunken ass**le had gone back to his hotel room and was probably sleeping off his hangover.
I found him at the Motel 6. He was still driving the same 1967 Mustang that he had in college. I remembered him from back then. Skinny kid. One of those emotionally androgynous men who wore skinny jeans and eyeliner and liked to talk about their favorite bands. I never understood what Olivia saw in him. She could have had anyone. His Mustang was parked directly outside room 78. I could see my reflection in it as I passed by. I pounded on the door. It only hit me later that it might not have been his room. I heard a muffled voice and the sounds of something being knocked over. Jim swung open the door, looking enraged. He reeked of alcohol. I could smell it from two feet away. When he saw my face, his expression transitioned from surprise to curiosity … then landed soundly on fear.
“What the-”
I shoved him inside and kicked the door closed. The room smelled.
Slipping my watch from my wrist, I tossed it on the bed. Then I hit him.
He fell back, crashing into the dresser and knocking over a lamp. I was on him before he could stand up. I yanked him to his feet by his shirt, his legs flailing beneath him trying to find ground.
I set him on his feet, and then I hit him again.
“Caleb,” he said. He held one hand over his nose, which was bleeding through his fingers, and the other he extended toward me, palm outstretched. “I was drunk, man — I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry? I don’t give a f**k if you’re sorry.”
He shook his head.
“Shit,” he said. “Shit.” He bent over at the waist, hands on his knees and started laughing.
I ground my teeth together until I was sure they’d turn to dust.
“You lied to her about the amnesia.” He was laughing so hard he could barely speak. I shoved him.
He staggered back, but he was still laughing. “You’re just as bad as me, man. The two of you pretending not to know each other, it’s like a f**king-”
I grabbed the front of his shirt and flung him sideways. He landed on the bed; laughing so hard he was holding his stomach. Infuriated, I went after him again.
Before he could say anything else, I pulled him up and held him against the wall.
“You don’t know anything about us.”
“Don’t I?” he hissed. “Who do you think was there for her after you cheated on her and left?”
“I didn’t,” I said through my teeth, and then I clenched my jaw. I didn’t need to explain anything to this little shit.
“You speak to her again, I kill you. You look at her again, I kill you. You breathe in her direction-”
“You kill me,” he finished.
He shoved me, but the guy was like one fifty soaking wet. I didn’t move.
“You’ve been killing her since the day you met her,” he spat at me. That hit me hard. I thought about the day I saw her in the record store and how there seemed to be no light left in her eyes. “Why’d you come back? You should have left her alone.”
Blood was smeared across his face and his greasy hair was sticking up. I looked down at him impassively. “You think you could have had her if I hadn’t?”
My words hit him somewhere deep. His eyes rolled to the side and his nostrils flared. So, he was in love with her too? I laughed, which sent him into a rage. He struggled against my hold, his face clammy and red.
I sigh and rub my forehead. “She’s separated. But he showed up again a few days ago.”
“Ah.” He strokes his beard, his eyes smiling at me.
He’s the only one in my family who knows what I did. I went on a drunken binge after Olivia left and landed up punching a cop outside of a bar. I called him to come bail me out. He didn’t tell my mother, even when I confessed everything to him about the amnesia. He never once judged me. Only affirmed that people did crazy things when it came to love.
“What do I do, Steve?”
“I can’t tell you what to do, son. She brings out the worst in you and the best in you.”
It’s true and it’s hard to hear.
“Did you tell her how you feel?”
I nod.
“Then all you can do is wait.”
“What if she doesn’t choose me?”
He grins and leans forward in his seat. “Well, there’s always Leah…”
My laugh starts in my chest and works its way out.
“Worst joke ever, Steve … worst joke ever.”
Just like that, as soon as it began again, she’s back together with Noah. I know because she doesn’t call me. She doesn’t text. She moves on with her life and leaves me in the balance.
Chapter Seventeen
My anger burned. I wanted to kill him, slowly, with my hands.
Jim … he had almost — I didn’t want to think about what he’d almost done. And what if I hadn’t been around? Who would she have called? Three years she’d lived without me, I had to remind myself. Three years of drying her own tears and staving off ass**les with her spiked words. She hadn’t fallen apart without me. She’d grown tougher. I don’t know if I felt relieved or sore about it. I’d had too much pride to admit my fault in our demise. By not saying more, by not fighting harder for her, I’d allowed her to believe it was her fault. And it wasn’t. Her only fault had been her brokenness. Not knowing how to express what she was feeling. Olivia was her own worst enemy. She decided something about herself and then she sabotaged her own happiness with it. She needed the type of love that stayed no matter what. She needed to see that nothing could devalue her in my eyes. Fuck, I hated myself. But, I’d been a child. I’d been given something valuable and I hadn’t known how to take care of it. I still wasn’t sure I knew how. But, one thing was certain — if anyone touched her, I’d kill them. I was going to kill him. Make up for lost time when I hadn’t been there to protect her.
I walked calmly to my car because she was watching. As soon as I pulled out of her development, I gunned it. She’d slept against my chest, clinging to me like a child. I’d stayed awake the whole night, torn between wanting to comfort her and wanting to beat the shit out of him. I carried her to her bed, just as the sun was coming up, and went back to the living room to call some hotels. When she woke up, I told her that he’d checked out the night before and left town. But, that wasn’t the case. The drunken ass**le had gone back to his hotel room and was probably sleeping off his hangover.
I found him at the Motel 6. He was still driving the same 1967 Mustang that he had in college. I remembered him from back then. Skinny kid. One of those emotionally androgynous men who wore skinny jeans and eyeliner and liked to talk about their favorite bands. I never understood what Olivia saw in him. She could have had anyone. His Mustang was parked directly outside room 78. I could see my reflection in it as I passed by. I pounded on the door. It only hit me later that it might not have been his room. I heard a muffled voice and the sounds of something being knocked over. Jim swung open the door, looking enraged. He reeked of alcohol. I could smell it from two feet away. When he saw my face, his expression transitioned from surprise to curiosity … then landed soundly on fear.
“What the-”
I shoved him inside and kicked the door closed. The room smelled.
Slipping my watch from my wrist, I tossed it on the bed. Then I hit him.
He fell back, crashing into the dresser and knocking over a lamp. I was on him before he could stand up. I yanked him to his feet by his shirt, his legs flailing beneath him trying to find ground.
I set him on his feet, and then I hit him again.
“Caleb,” he said. He held one hand over his nose, which was bleeding through his fingers, and the other he extended toward me, palm outstretched. “I was drunk, man — I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry? I don’t give a f**k if you’re sorry.”
He shook his head.
“Shit,” he said. “Shit.” He bent over at the waist, hands on his knees and started laughing.
I ground my teeth together until I was sure they’d turn to dust.
“You lied to her about the amnesia.” He was laughing so hard he could barely speak. I shoved him.
He staggered back, but he was still laughing. “You’re just as bad as me, man. The two of you pretending not to know each other, it’s like a f**king-”
I grabbed the front of his shirt and flung him sideways. He landed on the bed; laughing so hard he was holding his stomach. Infuriated, I went after him again.
Before he could say anything else, I pulled him up and held him against the wall.
“You don’t know anything about us.”
“Don’t I?” he hissed. “Who do you think was there for her after you cheated on her and left?”
“I didn’t,” I said through my teeth, and then I clenched my jaw. I didn’t need to explain anything to this little shit.
“You speak to her again, I kill you. You look at her again, I kill you. You breathe in her direction-”
“You kill me,” he finished.
He shoved me, but the guy was like one fifty soaking wet. I didn’t move.
“You’ve been killing her since the day you met her,” he spat at me. That hit me hard. I thought about the day I saw her in the record store and how there seemed to be no light left in her eyes. “Why’d you come back? You should have left her alone.”
Blood was smeared across his face and his greasy hair was sticking up. I looked down at him impassively. “You think you could have had her if I hadn’t?”
My words hit him somewhere deep. His eyes rolled to the side and his nostrils flared. So, he was in love with her too? I laughed, which sent him into a rage. He struggled against my hold, his face clammy and red.
