She was in better spirits when we drove home from the hospital. She laughed and flirted with me. But, when we got to the house and I handed her the baby for a feeding, her back stiffened like she’d been punched between the shoulder blades. My heart dropped so deeply in that moment, I had to turn away to hide my expression. This was not what I had hoped for. This was not what Olivia would have done. For all of her decorated hardness, she was kind and nurturing. With Leah, I always thought there was good in her … somewhere beyond what her parents had done to bring out the bad. Maybe I thought she was capable of more than she really was? But as it was said, if you had faith like a mustard seed, one could move mountains … or soften hardness … or love someone into healing. God. What had I done?
Chapter Thirty
Later that night, I’m going for a jog. When I reach the lobby in my building, my steps die. At first I don’t recognize him. He’s not as put together as the last time I saw him. What is it about men refusing to shave when their hearts are breaking? Fuck. How is this happening? I run a hand along the back of my neck before taking the necessary steps toward him.
“Noah.”
When he turns, he looks surprised. He glances at the elevator, then back at me.
Man, the guy looks ragged. I’ve looked like that a couple times in my life. I almost feel bad for him.
“Can we talk?” he asks.
I look around the lobby and nod. “There’s a bar on the corner. Unless you want to come up to my place.”
He shakes his head. “Bar’s fine.”
“Give me ten. I’ll meet you there.”
He nods and walks out without saying another word. I go back up to my place and call Olivia.
“Noah’s in town,” I say as soon as she picks up. “Did you know?”
There is a long pause before she says, “Yeah.”
“Has he been to see you?”
I feel the tension creep into my shoulders and spread to my hands. I grip the phone a little tighter as I wait for her answer.
“Yeah,” she says again.
“That’s it? That’s all you’re going to say?”
I hear her shifting things around, and I wonder if she’s in court today.
“Did he come to see you?” she whispers into the phone. I can hear her heels clicking as she walks.
Fuck. She is in court, and I’m dropping this on her.
“It’s fine. I’ll call you later, yeah?”
“Caleb-” she starts to say.
I cut her off. “Focus on what you’re doing right now. We’ll talk tonight.”
Her voice is breathy when she says, “Okay.”
I hang up first and head back downstairs. I walk along the crowded sidewalk, barely seeing anything. My mind has latched onto her voice — or maybe her voice has latched on to my mind. Either way I can hear it. And I know something is wrong. I’m not sure I can handle all of this at once. Estella is my priority, but I don’t think I can do this without Olivia. I need her.
Noah is sitting at a small table to the rear of the bar. It’s an upscale place and like everything in this neighborhood, you pay dearly for its services. There are only two other patrons aside from him at this hour; one is old and one is young. I walk past both of them, my eyes adjusting to the dim light. When I pull the chair back and take a seat, the bartender approaches me. I wave him away before he can reach us. Noah is drinking what looks like a scotch, but my only interest is being in full control of my mind.
I wait for him to speak. I really don’t have anything to say to him.
“I told you to stay away from her,” he says.
I lick my lips as I watch the poor son of a bitch. He’s scared. You can see it all over him. I am too.
“That was before you left your wife alone to deal with a stalker.”
He cracks his neck before he looks up. “I’m here now.”
I want to laugh. He’s here now. Like it’s okay to just be part of a marriage part time and show up when you please.
“But, she’s not. That’s what you don’t know about Olivia. She doesn’t need anyone to take care of her. She’s tough. But, if you don’t force yourself in and do it anyway, she moves on. She’s moved on. You f**ked up.”
Noah’s eyes flash. “Don’t talk to me about my wife.”
“Why not? Because I know her better? Because when you were gone on one of your damn trips and she needed help, she called me?”
We both stand up at the same time. The bartender sees the commotion and slams his fist on the counter. The bottles around him rattle with the impact.
“Hey! Sit down or get out of here,” he says. He’s a big f**king guy, so we both sit down.
We take a moment to calm down — or to think — or whatever men do when they are compelled to beat the shit out of each other. I’m about to leave when Noah finally speaks up.
“I was once in love with a girl, the same way you’re in love with Olivia,” he says.
“Hold on right there,” I cut him off. “If you were in love with a girl the same way I’m in love with Olivia, you wouldn’t be with Olivia. You’d be with this girl.”
Noah smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “She’s dead.”
I feel like an ass**le.
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Think about what you’re doing, Caleb. She’s not yours anymore. We made a commitment to each other, and it’s like you said — I f**ked up. We need to be able to work on what we have without you showing up every five minutes getting her high on nostalgia.”
Nostalgia? If only he knew. You couldn’t sum Olivia and me up to nostalgia. The day I met her under that tree, it was as if I breathed a spore of her into my lungs. We kept coming back to each other. The distance between our bodies grew wider over the years as we tried to live separately. But that spore took root and grew. And no matter the distance or circumstance, Olivia is something that grows inside of me.
His nostalgia comment pisses me off so much; I decide to go with a low blow.
“So, you’re going to have a baby then…”
The shock that passes through his eyes is enough to tell me I’ve struck a nerve.
I rotate my phone between my fingers as I watch his face and wait for the answer.
“That’s none of your business.”
Chapter Thirty
Later that night, I’m going for a jog. When I reach the lobby in my building, my steps die. At first I don’t recognize him. He’s not as put together as the last time I saw him. What is it about men refusing to shave when their hearts are breaking? Fuck. How is this happening? I run a hand along the back of my neck before taking the necessary steps toward him.
“Noah.”
When he turns, he looks surprised. He glances at the elevator, then back at me.
Man, the guy looks ragged. I’ve looked like that a couple times in my life. I almost feel bad for him.
“Can we talk?” he asks.
I look around the lobby and nod. “There’s a bar on the corner. Unless you want to come up to my place.”
He shakes his head. “Bar’s fine.”
“Give me ten. I’ll meet you there.”
He nods and walks out without saying another word. I go back up to my place and call Olivia.
“Noah’s in town,” I say as soon as she picks up. “Did you know?”
There is a long pause before she says, “Yeah.”
“Has he been to see you?”
I feel the tension creep into my shoulders and spread to my hands. I grip the phone a little tighter as I wait for her answer.
“Yeah,” she says again.
“That’s it? That’s all you’re going to say?”
I hear her shifting things around, and I wonder if she’s in court today.
“Did he come to see you?” she whispers into the phone. I can hear her heels clicking as she walks.
Fuck. She is in court, and I’m dropping this on her.
“It’s fine. I’ll call you later, yeah?”
“Caleb-” she starts to say.
I cut her off. “Focus on what you’re doing right now. We’ll talk tonight.”
Her voice is breathy when she says, “Okay.”
I hang up first and head back downstairs. I walk along the crowded sidewalk, barely seeing anything. My mind has latched onto her voice — or maybe her voice has latched on to my mind. Either way I can hear it. And I know something is wrong. I’m not sure I can handle all of this at once. Estella is my priority, but I don’t think I can do this without Olivia. I need her.
Noah is sitting at a small table to the rear of the bar. It’s an upscale place and like everything in this neighborhood, you pay dearly for its services. There are only two other patrons aside from him at this hour; one is old and one is young. I walk past both of them, my eyes adjusting to the dim light. When I pull the chair back and take a seat, the bartender approaches me. I wave him away before he can reach us. Noah is drinking what looks like a scotch, but my only interest is being in full control of my mind.
I wait for him to speak. I really don’t have anything to say to him.
“I told you to stay away from her,” he says.
I lick my lips as I watch the poor son of a bitch. He’s scared. You can see it all over him. I am too.
“That was before you left your wife alone to deal with a stalker.”
He cracks his neck before he looks up. “I’m here now.”
I want to laugh. He’s here now. Like it’s okay to just be part of a marriage part time and show up when you please.
“But, she’s not. That’s what you don’t know about Olivia. She doesn’t need anyone to take care of her. She’s tough. But, if you don’t force yourself in and do it anyway, she moves on. She’s moved on. You f**ked up.”
Noah’s eyes flash. “Don’t talk to me about my wife.”
“Why not? Because I know her better? Because when you were gone on one of your damn trips and she needed help, she called me?”
We both stand up at the same time. The bartender sees the commotion and slams his fist on the counter. The bottles around him rattle with the impact.
“Hey! Sit down or get out of here,” he says. He’s a big f**king guy, so we both sit down.
We take a moment to calm down — or to think — or whatever men do when they are compelled to beat the shit out of each other. I’m about to leave when Noah finally speaks up.
“I was once in love with a girl, the same way you’re in love with Olivia,” he says.
“Hold on right there,” I cut him off. “If you were in love with a girl the same way I’m in love with Olivia, you wouldn’t be with Olivia. You’d be with this girl.”
Noah smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “She’s dead.”
I feel like an ass**le.
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Think about what you’re doing, Caleb. She’s not yours anymore. We made a commitment to each other, and it’s like you said — I f**ked up. We need to be able to work on what we have without you showing up every five minutes getting her high on nostalgia.”
Nostalgia? If only he knew. You couldn’t sum Olivia and me up to nostalgia. The day I met her under that tree, it was as if I breathed a spore of her into my lungs. We kept coming back to each other. The distance between our bodies grew wider over the years as we tried to live separately. But that spore took root and grew. And no matter the distance or circumstance, Olivia is something that grows inside of me.
His nostalgia comment pisses me off so much; I decide to go with a low blow.
“So, you’re going to have a baby then…”
The shock that passes through his eyes is enough to tell me I’ve struck a nerve.
I rotate my phone between my fingers as I watch his face and wait for the answer.
“That’s none of your business.”
