“You really have a death wish today, Olivia,” I say between my teeth.
Leah’s mouth is open. “I’m going to destroy you,” she says.
Olivia shrugs. I can’t believe she’s being so calm about this. “You already did. There is nothing more you could do to me. But, I swear to God, if you f**k with Caleb, I’m going to put you in prison for one of your many illegal activities. Then you won’t see your daughter.”
Leah closes her mouth. I open mine. I’m not sure who is more shocked by this fierce defense of me.
“I hate you,” Leah spits. “You’re still the same worthless piece of white trash you always were.”
“I don’t even hate you,” Olivia says. “You’re so pathetic, I can’t. But, don’t think for a minute that I won’t revive your indiscretions.”
“What are you talking about?” Leah’s eyes are shifty. I wonder what Olivia has on her. It must be pretty good if she thought she could get away with two good slaps.
“Christopher,” Olivia says quietly. Leah’s face drains of color. “You’re wondering how I know about that, yes?”
Leah doesn’t say anything, just continues to stare.
“It won’t get you locked up for pharmaceutical fraud, but boy would this be better…”
Seth looks at me and I shrug. The only Christopher I know is a thirty-year-old transgender who works — worked — for Steve.
“What do you want?” Leah says to Olivia.
Olivia swipes the dark hair out of her face and points a finger at me. Actually, she jabs a finger at me.
“You don’t mess with his custody. You mess with his custody; I mess with yours. Understand?”
Leah doesn’t nod, but she doesn’t fight it either.
“You’re a criminal,” Olivia says. “And you’re actually looking kind of chubby.”
With that last bit, she turns on her heels and marches the rest of the way to her car. I don’t know whether to stay and watch Leah’s mortified face, or chase after her. Leah is looking a little chubby.
Seth nods to me, then tugs at my ex-wife’s arm, pulling her toward their car. I watch them go. I watch Olivia go. I stand for thirty minutes after they’ve gone and watch the empty parking lot.
Who the f**k is Christopher?
“Who the f**k is Christopher, Duchess?”
I hear music on the other end of the line. She must turn off the radio because a second later it’s gone.
“You really want to know this?”
“You just made Leah’s face turn as red as her hair. Yeah, I want to know this.”
“All right,” she says. “Hold on, I’m in the drive-thru at Starbucks.”
I wait while she orders. When her voice comes back on the line it sounds professional, like she’s briefing a client.
“Leah was having sex with her housekeeper’s son.”
“Okay,” I said.
“He was seventeen at the time.”
I let go of the steering wheel to run ten fingers through my hair.
“How do you know?”
We’re heading in two different directions down the 95, but I can feel her smirking. See it.
“Her housekeeper came to see me. Actually, not me — Bernie. Bernie ran a couple billboards last year in Miami, urging sexual harassment victims to come see her. You know, one of those god-awful advertisements where the lawyer is looking all serious and there is a gavel in the far right corner to symbolize your coming justice?”
I know exactly the type.
“Anyway, Christopher’s mother — Shoshi — happened to see it and scheduled an appointment at the office. When she filled out her client information, I noticed that she listed your address as her own. So, I pulled her in before Bernie could get to her. She wanted to talk to someone about her teenage son. She’d sometimes take him with her to work and pay him to do some of the harder things. Apparently Leah was so impressed with his work ethic, she asked Shoshi to bring him on weekends and she paid him to do stuff around the house. After a few months of that, Shoshi found condoms in his wallet and a pair of panties that she said she’d seen a hundred times since she folded them.”
I groan. Olivia hears it and laughs into the phone. “What? Did you think she was normal after that little Who’s my baby daddy? stunt she pulled on you?”
“Okay, so why was this Shoshi character coming to you about sexual harassment? Why not call the police and get Leah jailed for statutory rape?”
“This is where it gets complicated, my friend. Shoshi said her son was denying the whole thing. He refused to get Leah in trouble for sleeping with a minor since he was over eighteen by the time she came to me, but his mother did get him to agree to nail her for sexual harassment.”
“What did you do, Olivia?”
Her eyebrow was up. I knew it was.
“Nothing. Before I could do anything, Shoshi changed her mind. Sounds like Leah paid them off. But I could still get him to testify and she knows it.”
“Ah,” I say. “Well, thank God you’re cunning.”
“Thank God,” she repeats.
“You slapped her, Duchess.”
“Mmmm,” she says. “And it felt so damn good.” We both laugh.
There is a long, awkward silence. Then she says, “Noah and I are divorced.”
The world freezes for one second … two seconds … three seconds …
“Remember that coffee shop? The one we went to after we ran into each other at the grocery store?”
“Yeah,” she says.
“I’ll meet you there in ten minutes.”
When I walk into the coffee shop, she’s already there. She’s sitting at the same table we sat at years earlier. In front of her are two cups.
“I got you a tea,” she says when I sit. I grin at the irony. This time it’s me asking about her breakup.
“So, what happened?”
She tucks the hair that has fallen into her face behind her ears and looks at me sadly.
“I got pregnant.”
I try to pretend that I’m unfazed by this little piece of news, but I can feel the awkwardness all over my face. I wait for her to go on.
“I lost it.”
Agh! So much pain in her face. Our hands are both resting on the table, so close, that I reach a finger out and stroke her pinkie with it.
Leah’s mouth is open. “I’m going to destroy you,” she says.
Olivia shrugs. I can’t believe she’s being so calm about this. “You already did. There is nothing more you could do to me. But, I swear to God, if you f**k with Caleb, I’m going to put you in prison for one of your many illegal activities. Then you won’t see your daughter.”
Leah closes her mouth. I open mine. I’m not sure who is more shocked by this fierce defense of me.
“I hate you,” Leah spits. “You’re still the same worthless piece of white trash you always were.”
“I don’t even hate you,” Olivia says. “You’re so pathetic, I can’t. But, don’t think for a minute that I won’t revive your indiscretions.”
“What are you talking about?” Leah’s eyes are shifty. I wonder what Olivia has on her. It must be pretty good if she thought she could get away with two good slaps.
“Christopher,” Olivia says quietly. Leah’s face drains of color. “You’re wondering how I know about that, yes?”
Leah doesn’t say anything, just continues to stare.
“It won’t get you locked up for pharmaceutical fraud, but boy would this be better…”
Seth looks at me and I shrug. The only Christopher I know is a thirty-year-old transgender who works — worked — for Steve.
“What do you want?” Leah says to Olivia.
Olivia swipes the dark hair out of her face and points a finger at me. Actually, she jabs a finger at me.
“You don’t mess with his custody. You mess with his custody; I mess with yours. Understand?”
Leah doesn’t nod, but she doesn’t fight it either.
“You’re a criminal,” Olivia says. “And you’re actually looking kind of chubby.”
With that last bit, she turns on her heels and marches the rest of the way to her car. I don’t know whether to stay and watch Leah’s mortified face, or chase after her. Leah is looking a little chubby.
Seth nods to me, then tugs at my ex-wife’s arm, pulling her toward their car. I watch them go. I watch Olivia go. I stand for thirty minutes after they’ve gone and watch the empty parking lot.
Who the f**k is Christopher?
“Who the f**k is Christopher, Duchess?”
I hear music on the other end of the line. She must turn off the radio because a second later it’s gone.
“You really want to know this?”
“You just made Leah’s face turn as red as her hair. Yeah, I want to know this.”
“All right,” she says. “Hold on, I’m in the drive-thru at Starbucks.”
I wait while she orders. When her voice comes back on the line it sounds professional, like she’s briefing a client.
“Leah was having sex with her housekeeper’s son.”
“Okay,” I said.
“He was seventeen at the time.”
I let go of the steering wheel to run ten fingers through my hair.
“How do you know?”
We’re heading in two different directions down the 95, but I can feel her smirking. See it.
“Her housekeeper came to see me. Actually, not me — Bernie. Bernie ran a couple billboards last year in Miami, urging sexual harassment victims to come see her. You know, one of those god-awful advertisements where the lawyer is looking all serious and there is a gavel in the far right corner to symbolize your coming justice?”
I know exactly the type.
“Anyway, Christopher’s mother — Shoshi — happened to see it and scheduled an appointment at the office. When she filled out her client information, I noticed that she listed your address as her own. So, I pulled her in before Bernie could get to her. She wanted to talk to someone about her teenage son. She’d sometimes take him with her to work and pay him to do some of the harder things. Apparently Leah was so impressed with his work ethic, she asked Shoshi to bring him on weekends and she paid him to do stuff around the house. After a few months of that, Shoshi found condoms in his wallet and a pair of panties that she said she’d seen a hundred times since she folded them.”
I groan. Olivia hears it and laughs into the phone. “What? Did you think she was normal after that little Who’s my baby daddy? stunt she pulled on you?”
“Okay, so why was this Shoshi character coming to you about sexual harassment? Why not call the police and get Leah jailed for statutory rape?”
“This is where it gets complicated, my friend. Shoshi said her son was denying the whole thing. He refused to get Leah in trouble for sleeping with a minor since he was over eighteen by the time she came to me, but his mother did get him to agree to nail her for sexual harassment.”
“What did you do, Olivia?”
Her eyebrow was up. I knew it was.
“Nothing. Before I could do anything, Shoshi changed her mind. Sounds like Leah paid them off. But I could still get him to testify and she knows it.”
“Ah,” I say. “Well, thank God you’re cunning.”
“Thank God,” she repeats.
“You slapped her, Duchess.”
“Mmmm,” she says. “And it felt so damn good.” We both laugh.
There is a long, awkward silence. Then she says, “Noah and I are divorced.”
The world freezes for one second … two seconds … three seconds …
“Remember that coffee shop? The one we went to after we ran into each other at the grocery store?”
“Yeah,” she says.
“I’ll meet you there in ten minutes.”
When I walk into the coffee shop, she’s already there. She’s sitting at the same table we sat at years earlier. In front of her are two cups.
“I got you a tea,” she says when I sit. I grin at the irony. This time it’s me asking about her breakup.
“So, what happened?”
She tucks the hair that has fallen into her face behind her ears and looks at me sadly.
“I got pregnant.”
I try to pretend that I’m unfazed by this little piece of news, but I can feel the awkwardness all over my face. I wait for her to go on.
“I lost it.”
Agh! So much pain in her face. Our hands are both resting on the table, so close, that I reach a finger out and stroke her pinkie with it.
