Third Debt
Page 50

A sob wrenched through my chest.
Oh, thank God.
Thank, thank God.
They hadn’t touched me.
I almost puddled to the floor in relief. But the complications in those sentences—the truth, the distress—forced me to keep pushing, keep talking. How could he take my anger and twist it so inexplicably? How could he warm my hate so it boomeranged back on me and made me crumble?
Wrapping my arms around myself, I took a step closer. My need to hurt him hadn’t receded but beneath my violent rage, there was the incessant urge to hug him, touch him—fix both of us.
He shied away. “Don’t.” His voice was strangled—a sharp warning to keep my distance.
We stood apart. Two figurines in an emerald sea of carpeting. The air was cool, coaxing my temper to simmer. Not being allowed to touch was torture. I couldn’t deny myself the need to connect—either to strike him or stroke him, it didn’t matter.
Ignoring his beg for space, I closed the gap and touched the back of his arm. My eyes flared at how hot he was—how unnaturally warm for his normal frigid form. “Thank you for finally being honest.”
I swallowed. “You can’t keep fighting. Whatever it is you’re going through. Whatever reason that’s making you take drugs and obey the vilest man in history, you have to stop.” My voice lowered. “You’ll end up killing yourself if you don’t get help.”
He tumbled backward, his voice raspy and low. “You can’t help me. Nobody can.”
“Don’t be a cliché, Jethro. Everyone can be helped.”
He snorted, pain layering upon pain.
I hugged myself again, trembling and quaking, struggling with the thick tension in the room. “Tell me and I give you my word I’ll listen.”
What are you doing?
“If you tell me the truth, I won’t judge. I’ll stay quiet and withhold judgement until everything makes sense.”
You’re truly giving him another chance?
I gritted my teeth.
Everybody deserved a second chance if they were willing to admit a lifetime of troubles. My father handed me over, even though he knew what my mother went through—I forgave him. My brother made me a laughing stock of the gossip columns—I forgave him. And Jethro? He made me fall in love with the bad guy and trade innocence for corruption. I fell for him when he was closed off and arctic. If he thawed and let me in, there would be no greater gift. No symbol deeper than two souls screaming to connect.
“I’ll be able to forgive you if you tell me,” I whispered. “I’m here for you. How many times do I need to tell you that?”
Fury twisted his face, dissolving his disbelief at my confession. “You say you won’t judge, yet I feel your hatred toward me, Nila. You say you’re there for me, but how far will that willingness go?” He stepped back again, moving to the door.
He can’t leave.
“You know nothing. And it’s best if you continue knowing—”
“Shut up.” I stalked toward him, my toes sinking into carpet. “Shut up and tell me. Tell me what you’re hiding.” My voice remained level, not rising to anger once again budding inside.
This wasn’t a fight. This wasn’t an ultimatum.
This was the end.
The breaking point of everything that’d been crushing us deeper and deeper into untruths. The sooner he let himself snap, the better we would be.
Sighing heavily, his shoulders rolled. “I wish I’d never met you. I wish all of this would disappear.”
His words sliced a wound deep and true. His voice was a horrible blade; cutting my arteries and making me bleed a river.
“Listen to me, Jethro Kite Hawk,” I said through fresh tears. “I’m only going to say this one more time. If you listen and see what I’m offering, all of this could be different. But if you don’t; if you choose your family over me again, if you push me away and pretend that what exists between us isn’t worth fighting for, then I’m done. Do you get it?”
My voice gathered momentum. “You’ve hurt me. Everything inside wants to switch off and cut you from my soul. I’m close. So damn close to that—to slicing you free and never talking to you again.”
He hunched into himself with every word.
I swallowed back a sob. I kept going. “There’s a place inside me that’s fading. What I feel for you is dying, and once it’s gone, I won’t have the strength to get it back. Do you think I enjoyed paying the Third Debt? Do you think I enjoyed having Kes do what he did?” Tears spilled with no authority. “It was absolute torture, Jethro. The worst one I’ve had to pay because you weren’t there for me. You weren’t there to feel my pain or help me get through it. You left me! Do you have any idea how much that killed me? To think we had something, only for you to walk out and deliver me to that horror?”
His teeth locked together, backing away from me, moving toward the door.
I advanced all the while talking, hoping he listened. “But despite all that—the Debt Inheritance, the unforgivable handing me over, the lies and horrible behaviour—none of that matters if you make me understand.”
I lowered my gaze, looking at his bare feet. If I wanted ultimate honesty for him, I had to be prepared to do the same. It hurt to look deep inside—to give myself no room to hide and to come face to face with a girl I no longer recognised. But I did it. Because I was strong and brave and ready to give in order to receive. “No matter how screwed up and wrong the past few months have been, they’ve been the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
Jethro sucked in a breath.
“If a guardian angel had told me this would happen. If they’d come to me the night before you stole me and explained the atrocities I would live through, I would still have come with you.”
A groan cut short as Jethro froze in place.
“I would’ve waited for you with open arms. I would’ve gladly said goodbye to my life and let you torment me because it made me a better person—a stronger person—a person worthy of what I feel for you.” I stiffened. “So don’t tell me you wish you’d never met me, Jethro Hawk, because I would live a thousand debts just for the gift of having you love me.”
Goosebumps covered my naked arms. “I was wrong when I said you were weak. You’re not. You’re strong. Loyal. So twisted inside, no one can save you but you.”
Our breathing laced together as we let the impact of truth tear us apart.
If what he said was true and no one had touched me but Kestrel, then I had both brothers to thank. Somehow, they’d conspired together; I owed them my sanity.
Jethro didn’t move—he seemed atrophied with guilt and shame.
I breathed hard, forcing myself to expose the last exquisitely vulnerable honesty. “I can’t help you if you don’t want me. But this…this is me asking you to love me. I’m begging you to trust me. I’m telling you that you’re strong enough to survive whatever it is you struggle. I’m asking you to choose me, Jethro. Before it’s too late.”
Choose me. Love me. Save me.
His fists clenched. His head bowed and the most heart-clenching gasp fell from his lips. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
I choked back a sob, caught between needing to hide and going to hold him. “I know. But I’m not looking for an apology for what’s happened. I would’ve paid a million times over to deserve you.”
My tummy fluttered with an aviary of birds. Please, listen. Please, see me. “I’m looking for a promise, Jethro.” I drifted toward him.
He didn’t move as the distance diminished. Hesitantly, with the gentlest touch, I placed a hand over his heart. The same irregular beat hammered back. The same uncertainty and lostness from the springs.
“I’m asking you to make me yours,” I murmured. “Take me into your heart. Let me enter your soul. Give in to what we have.”
He swallowed a moan and everything crested inside him. His eyes snapped to mine. With savage strength, he grabbed my collar and swung me around to press against the door. His lips landed on my ear, his breath fast and erratic. “That’s what I’ve been doing. Letting you inside me—permitting you to ruin me every fucking day. You already know how I feel about you. You already know that I’m worthless because of it.”
My heart raced. “You’re not worthless. If you show me the goodness inside you, I can prove you’re priceless.”
He laughed harshly. He looked dangerously unhinged. “Try telling that to my father.” His fingers twitched around my collar. “I’ve made myself clear. I’ve been nothing but transparent about what happened. I’ve done everything that I could.”
My eyes popped wide, even as more tears fell. “You think you’ve been transparent!” Shoving him backward, I slapped him. “You’re not transparent! You’re so damn obtuse—so tied up in your lies—that you have no idea what you’re saying anymore!”
His entire body tensed. “The Debt Inheritance is my cross to bear—not yours. This isn’t about what your family did to mine—it’s about if I’m worthy enough! Don’t you get it? This was never about you! It’s always been about me, and I’m fucking everything up. I’m killing myself!”