Thirty and a Half Excuses
Page 101

“He also postdated a money transfer for last May.”
“I don’t understand.” I was starting to panic, and I didn’t even know why.
“Rose, they transferred the money into one of Daniel Crocker’s bank accounts. They set it up to make it look like you hired Crocker to kill your mother.”
My head felt fuzzy, but Joe pulled me onto his lap as he sat down in a chair, his voice breaking. “I was gone so long because I begged and pleaded for them to not do this, not to take you away from me.” He looked down into my face, tears in his eyes. “You’re the only good thing I’ve ever had in my life. I want you. You have no idea how much I need you.” He stared into my eyes. “But I can’t destroy you.” He kissed me and moaned. “Oh, God. I can’t believe I even considered it.” He clung to me, crying into my shoulder. “If I love you, I’ll let you go.”
I shook my head, my panic rising. “No! I don’t want you to let me go.”
“If I don’t, they’ll destroy you. They’ve agreed for me to have a test engagement to see how the voters respond to you, but the things they expect you to do and not do will make you miserable. You’ll end up resenting me for it. The life they expect me to live isn’t you.”
I grabbed his face between my hands. “But it’s not you either. Can you tell me that you’ll be happy?”
“Rose, it doesn’t matter if I’m happy. My parents don’t care.”
“But I care. I can’t let you do this, Joe. I can’t let you throw us away.”
“Don’t you see?” he pleaded. “If I don’t run for this senate seat, my parents will ruin you. There won’t be any us because you’ll be in prison. Not to mention what they plan on doing to Violet and Mike.”
My fingers dug into his arm, holding onto him for dear life. “Then I’ll do what I have to do to be with you. I’ll follow their rules.”
He gave me a bitter smile. “You think you can pretend you don’t know Neely Kate and live with it? You can ignore someone who needs help? It will eat you up inside. Why do you think I was so messed up before I met you?”
“Joe, there has to be a way!”
He leaned his forehead against mine. “I wish there was.” He kissed me lightly. “This is the only thing I can do to protect you, and for once I’m man enough to do it. The irony is that I’m losing you in the process.”
I showed him the ring, frantic for him to listen to me. “You asked me to marry you. That means something, Joe.”
“Of course it means something. Losing you is like losing a part of myself.” His voice broke again and he kissed me in desperation and grief.
I clung to him, kissing him back and trying to show him how much I needed him.
How could I live without him?
He lifted his head, and took a deep breath. “No.” He pried his hands from my neck then slid me off his lap and stood. “I’m just making this harder for both of us.”
Still in shock, I followed him to my room. He grabbed the bag he kept in my closet, opening drawers and shoving the clothes he kept at my house into his duffel.
How could this be happening?
“Joe, please.” I grabbed his hand, but he shook it off.
Although his face hardened, he ignored me, stepping around me when I tried to block his path. “Joe, stop! Please. We can figure something out. We’ll go somewhere together. We’ll run away, go somewhere your parents will never find us.”
He froze, the features on his face softening.
Encouraged, I looped my arms around his neck, pressing my body against his. “We can go anywhere. How about we live on a beach where we can live in our swimsuits? Me half-naked all the time. You’d like that.” I tried to give him a saucy smile, a difficult task when he was breaking my heart.
His body relaxed into mine, and he closed his eyes.
I lifted my mouth to his, and he wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me to him as he kissed me with urgency. One of his hands buried in the hair at the nape of my neck, tilting my head back to give him better access.
I reached under his shirt, my hands skimming up his back and his hold on me tightened. “I don’t want to lose you, Joe.”
I had said the wrong thing. He froze, horror on his face. His arms dropped, and he tried to break loose of my hold.
I held on tight. “You keep saying I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to you. If that’s true, then why aren’t you fighting for me?”
“Don’t you see that I am? I’m fighting so you don’t lose you. If I let you become the person my mother wants you to be, not only will you resent me for it, but you will no longer be the woman I love.” A sad smile covered his face. “I don’t want you to change.” He gently pried my hands from his back. “One day you’ll thank me for this.”
He picked his bag up off my bed. I couldn’t imagine never waking up with him again. Or just cuddling on the sofa watching TV. Or making love with him. I couldn’t imagine a life without him. “What do you want from me, Joe?”
Joe stopped in front of me. “I want you to move on with your life. I want you to be happy.”
“Happy? How can you expect me to be happy without you?”
“Promise me you’ll try.”
I refused to answer. He was really going to do this. And I was going to let him.
I reached for my ring and started to tug it over my knuckle.