This Man Confessed
Page 96
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My fingers slip into his hair as I gaze up at the ceiling and massage gently. I don’t want to think about this. I don’t want to delve deep, and I really don’t think I need to. All I need to do is be here, listen when he wants to speak, and hold him when he needs some comfort. His pained face has brought back a whole black past of memories between us—the moment we were standing in Kate’s lounge and he begged me not to leave him, the time I left him drunk at Lusso, and the moment I found him in his office with a whip wielding Sarah. All of those incidents lead to further excruciating pain, and I need to avoid any repeat at all costs. And I will. This man has a troubled history, but I’m fixing all of that hurt and suffering. It’s no wonder he wants to keep me from it all. I’m his little piece of heaven, and I’ll never allow him to fall back into his hellish, hollow past.
As I lay giving myself a little mental pep talk, I know he’s awake. I feel the slight flicker of his long lashes against my neck, but I remain quiet, allowing him to have his thinking space, my fingers keeping up the gentle twisting of his hair and the odd massage of his head. He would know I’m awake, even if I wasn’t moving.
‘I would never have brought you here if I’d have known.’ His raspy voice breaks the silence. ‘I never wanted my life with you to be stained by my past.’
Our lives have been tarnished by his past in many ways, and I know he never wanted any of it to affect us. But it has. And now this might, too, if he allows it. ‘It hasn’t affected us.’ I assure him. ‘So please don’t let it.’
‘They have no place in my life, Ava. Not before, and even less now.’ His hand starts a slow movement across my stomach.
I know why he’s saying this. His babies will not replace Jake. They will not ease Jesse’s parent’s guilt. And I know for sure they’ll never be reason for reconciliation. Some things are unforgivable, and your mum and dad doing anything other than loving and supporting you are just a few of them. My dad has always said that he could never tell me what to do, only advise me. He has said he would never force my hand in anything, knowing it would make me unhappy. He said he would always be there, despite my choices and he would make things better if it was the wrong choice. And he did. Many times. Not for such extreme things as I know Jesse’s choices have entailed, but the principle is still the same. That’s what parents do. They don’t influence their children for their own benefit. My compassion is fierce. Jesse has always said that I’m all he needs, and I know he wholeheartedly means it. And it’s completely understandable, given what this man has been through, not just the history of women and drink, but with his parents. That is the root cause of everything.
‘You don’t need to explain anything to me. You and me.’ I repeat his words to enforce my own.
He rolls onto his back and pulls at me, encouraging me to crawl onto his chest. I find my way and start my slow, light trailing of his scar. ‘This place was Carmichael’s.’ he says quietly. ‘It was part of his estate, as was the boat.’
‘I know.’ I smile to myself. I was right on the money with my own private conclusion.
‘How did you know?’
‘Why else would you have a villa so close to where your parents live?’
I can’t see him, but I know he’s smiling. ‘My beautiful girl is frightening me.’
‘Why?’ I ask, frowning into his chest.
‘Because she’s usually so demanding for information.’
I have to agree, but I’ve found out more since I convinced myself to keep my trap shut than I ever did when I was stamping and screaming. ‘There can’t be anything else you could tell me that would convince me to run away from you again.’
‘I’m glad you’ve said that.’ he says quietly.
If there was anything he could say that would make me stiffen and wish I could retract my words, then that would be it. Instinctively I know I’m not going to like what I will hear. It’s like I’m unintentionally pulling confessions from this man.
‘Ava?’ he says quietly.
‘What?’
‘I need to tell you something.’ He goes to move, but I make myself a dead weight, ensuring optimum difficulty for him, not that it makes a blind bit of difference. I’m removed from his chest with minimal effort and turned onto my back. He straddles my waist, but doesn’t rest himself fully on me. He chews his lip for a few moments while I look up at him, a sceptical expression plastered all over my face. I know knowledge is power is the sensible option, but given what Jesse has presented me in the knowledge department, it scares the fucking life out of me.
He takes my hands and holds them tightly. ‘I’ve had Sarah at The Manor while we’ve been gone.’
‘WHAT?’ My head lifts and my throat is instantly hoarse.
‘She’s dealing with things while I’m gone. John can’t do it on his own, Ava.’
‘But Sarah? You said she was gone, end of!’ I’m livid. My blood is instantly boiling and it’s heating my face, all thoughts of absconded parents and painful histories eradicated at the mention of her name. ‘Why after everything she’s done would you allow that?’ I snatch my hands from his and try to push him way. ‘Get off!’
‘Ava, will you calm down! ‘
‘Why? Worried I might injure your babies?’ I spit at him.
Those words just changed his concerned look to one of displeasure. He’s scowling at me, but I couldn’t give a toss. ‘Don’t talk fucking shit.’ He manages to seize my flailing hands and secure them above my head.
‘You think it.’ I yell in his face. ‘Your constant monitoring and over-protectiveness tells me all I need to know.’
‘I’ve always been overprotective, so don’t brandish that card, lady!’
He’s right, he has, but I’m pissed and I’ll use anything against him, which reminds me that we’ve steered off course a bit. ‘She goes, or I do!’
He actually rolls his eyes. I don’t appreciate it. I buck myself, and he releases me, but it’s because he doesn’t want me to hurt his babies. It makes me madder. ‘Ava, I was in a mess, you refuse to work for me, and I need someone who knows what they’re doing.’
I stop and swing round. ‘So she’s working for you again?’ I don’t believe this. Her compassionate little speech at the coffee house stood for shit. She’s probably delighting in this. He gets up and walks towards me. ‘Stop where you are, Ward!’ I point my finger in his face. ‘Don’t try to placate me or convince me that this is all fine because it fucking isn’t!’
‘Watch you fucking mouth!’
‘No! She’s in love with you. Do you know that? Everything she has done really is because she wants to take you away from me, so don’t even think about trying to convince me that this is a good idea.’
‘I know,’
I snap my mouth shut and retreat back a little. ‘What do you mean, you know?’
‘I know she’s in love with me.’
‘You do?’
‘Of course I do, Ava. I’m not fucking stupid.’
I scoff. ‘You obviously are! You’ll trample anyone who tries to take me away from you, yet right under your nose, she’s doing the best job and you’re choosing to ignore it!’ I swing around and stamp my way into the kitchen. I need some water to sooth my scratchy throat.
As I lay giving myself a little mental pep talk, I know he’s awake. I feel the slight flicker of his long lashes against my neck, but I remain quiet, allowing him to have his thinking space, my fingers keeping up the gentle twisting of his hair and the odd massage of his head. He would know I’m awake, even if I wasn’t moving.
‘I would never have brought you here if I’d have known.’ His raspy voice breaks the silence. ‘I never wanted my life with you to be stained by my past.’
Our lives have been tarnished by his past in many ways, and I know he never wanted any of it to affect us. But it has. And now this might, too, if he allows it. ‘It hasn’t affected us.’ I assure him. ‘So please don’t let it.’
‘They have no place in my life, Ava. Not before, and even less now.’ His hand starts a slow movement across my stomach.
I know why he’s saying this. His babies will not replace Jake. They will not ease Jesse’s parent’s guilt. And I know for sure they’ll never be reason for reconciliation. Some things are unforgivable, and your mum and dad doing anything other than loving and supporting you are just a few of them. My dad has always said that he could never tell me what to do, only advise me. He has said he would never force my hand in anything, knowing it would make me unhappy. He said he would always be there, despite my choices and he would make things better if it was the wrong choice. And he did. Many times. Not for such extreme things as I know Jesse’s choices have entailed, but the principle is still the same. That’s what parents do. They don’t influence their children for their own benefit. My compassion is fierce. Jesse has always said that I’m all he needs, and I know he wholeheartedly means it. And it’s completely understandable, given what this man has been through, not just the history of women and drink, but with his parents. That is the root cause of everything.
‘You don’t need to explain anything to me. You and me.’ I repeat his words to enforce my own.
He rolls onto his back and pulls at me, encouraging me to crawl onto his chest. I find my way and start my slow, light trailing of his scar. ‘This place was Carmichael’s.’ he says quietly. ‘It was part of his estate, as was the boat.’
‘I know.’ I smile to myself. I was right on the money with my own private conclusion.
‘How did you know?’
‘Why else would you have a villa so close to where your parents live?’
I can’t see him, but I know he’s smiling. ‘My beautiful girl is frightening me.’
‘Why?’ I ask, frowning into his chest.
‘Because she’s usually so demanding for information.’
I have to agree, but I’ve found out more since I convinced myself to keep my trap shut than I ever did when I was stamping and screaming. ‘There can’t be anything else you could tell me that would convince me to run away from you again.’
‘I’m glad you’ve said that.’ he says quietly.
If there was anything he could say that would make me stiffen and wish I could retract my words, then that would be it. Instinctively I know I’m not going to like what I will hear. It’s like I’m unintentionally pulling confessions from this man.
‘Ava?’ he says quietly.
‘What?’
‘I need to tell you something.’ He goes to move, but I make myself a dead weight, ensuring optimum difficulty for him, not that it makes a blind bit of difference. I’m removed from his chest with minimal effort and turned onto my back. He straddles my waist, but doesn’t rest himself fully on me. He chews his lip for a few moments while I look up at him, a sceptical expression plastered all over my face. I know knowledge is power is the sensible option, but given what Jesse has presented me in the knowledge department, it scares the fucking life out of me.
He takes my hands and holds them tightly. ‘I’ve had Sarah at The Manor while we’ve been gone.’
‘WHAT?’ My head lifts and my throat is instantly hoarse.
‘She’s dealing with things while I’m gone. John can’t do it on his own, Ava.’
‘But Sarah? You said she was gone, end of!’ I’m livid. My blood is instantly boiling and it’s heating my face, all thoughts of absconded parents and painful histories eradicated at the mention of her name. ‘Why after everything she’s done would you allow that?’ I snatch my hands from his and try to push him way. ‘Get off!’
‘Ava, will you calm down! ‘
‘Why? Worried I might injure your babies?’ I spit at him.
Those words just changed his concerned look to one of displeasure. He’s scowling at me, but I couldn’t give a toss. ‘Don’t talk fucking shit.’ He manages to seize my flailing hands and secure them above my head.
‘You think it.’ I yell in his face. ‘Your constant monitoring and over-protectiveness tells me all I need to know.’
‘I’ve always been overprotective, so don’t brandish that card, lady!’
He’s right, he has, but I’m pissed and I’ll use anything against him, which reminds me that we’ve steered off course a bit. ‘She goes, or I do!’
He actually rolls his eyes. I don’t appreciate it. I buck myself, and he releases me, but it’s because he doesn’t want me to hurt his babies. It makes me madder. ‘Ava, I was in a mess, you refuse to work for me, and I need someone who knows what they’re doing.’
I stop and swing round. ‘So she’s working for you again?’ I don’t believe this. Her compassionate little speech at the coffee house stood for shit. She’s probably delighting in this. He gets up and walks towards me. ‘Stop where you are, Ward!’ I point my finger in his face. ‘Don’t try to placate me or convince me that this is all fine because it fucking isn’t!’
‘Watch you fucking mouth!’
‘No! She’s in love with you. Do you know that? Everything she has done really is because she wants to take you away from me, so don’t even think about trying to convince me that this is a good idea.’
‘I know,’
I snap my mouth shut and retreat back a little. ‘What do you mean, you know?’
‘I know she’s in love with me.’
‘You do?’
‘Of course I do, Ava. I’m not fucking stupid.’
I scoff. ‘You obviously are! You’ll trample anyone who tries to take me away from you, yet right under your nose, she’s doing the best job and you’re choosing to ignore it!’ I swing around and stamp my way into the kitchen. I need some water to sooth my scratchy throat.
