This Regret
Page 100
- Background:
- Text Font:
- Text Size:
- Line Height:
- Line Break Height:
- Frame:
"See!" Jen jumps up. "You have it bad. You better go see him. You never know when it's going to be too late."
I swallow hard, knowing that she's right. I can't take it anymore; I have to go see him. I can't leave things how we did. I will never be able to function right, knowing that Kellan thinks I hate him. I love him too much to let him think otherwise. He has enough pain to bear already. I can’t be the one to add to it. "Okay," I whisper. "I'll go see him. I'm just so scared. What if he doesn’t want me back? What if he changed his mind?"
She shakes her head. "There's nothing to be scared about. You know none of those things are going to happen. I think deep down you’re scared he's going to pull you into his arms and love you. You should be happy. I want that."
Her eyes sparkle and I see a hint of a smile in them. "Is Tyler going to be that for you?" I walk over to the steps, but stop to hear her answer.
Her face turns red and she bites her bottom lip. "I don't know, darling. That’s a question that doesn’t have an answer. We talk every day, but we haven't even kissed. I can't really tell if there will even be an, us, yet. As much as I’d like to, I can't say. I’m still working on my issues since Nate, and I think he has a little bit of darkness buried away deep inside. We are still feeling each other out, but I wouldn’t mind if it happened someday. He shines a little bit of light into the last few years of my darkness. He’s sexy and good and he cares about Jax.” Her eyes get a little dreamy as she says the last sentence before she mumbles, “So damn good." She waves her arms to scoot me along. "Jax should be waking up now, so I'm going to make him lunch. Call me later, yeah?"
I grin. "I hate you sometimes, but love you so damn much."
"Yeah, love ya too." She lifts an eyebrow and smiles. "Now get the hell off my porch." We both laugh at that and she disappears inside, leaving me nervous as all hell.
Well, here goes nothing.
* * *
I'm not sure where to start, so I start at his house. I'm so nervous, that I barely make it to the door without tripping over my own feet. It’s a wonder I’m not dying or turning blue from my lack of breathing. It's so quiet at the door, that I'm pretty positive before I even knock that he's not even home. I knock anyways. I knock, one, two, three times, but no answer. A part of me is relieved as I walk back over to my car. I'm not so sure I'm prepared to be alone with him right now. Maybe the shop would be a better place to talk.
Right as I'm about to open the car to get inside, I look up and spot two of the three men that were at the bar the other night. They're down the street, sitting on the bumper of an old beat up car, looking right at me as if I'm the most interesting thing they've seen all week. I don't get it. Who the hell are these creeps? Do they live over here? This is a nice neighborhood and I can't see them living here without someone wanting to call the police on them daily. They are far too rough looking to be considered harmless and just the thought of them makes my skin crawl.
Ignoring them, I jump into my car, slamming the door behind me. They're the last thing I want to worry about at the moment. I pull out of the driveway and head over to the shop. If he's not there, then I guess it just wasn't meant to be today. To be honest, I haven't got a clue what I'm even going to say to him anyways. I'm winging it and I plan on sounding like a total idiot. I always have when it comes to him.
Pulling up to the front of Adi's Attic, I shift my car into park and shut off the engine. I sit there for a few minutes, staring over at the brick building, my heart breaking for poor Adric each time I read the sign. Being here makes my chest ache, remembering mine and Kellan's conversation from the other night, but I swallow the pain and step out into the warm sunny day, making my way to the door.
Just as I open the door, Tyler stands and looks at me as if he’s been expecting me and then over to Kellan's station, which is now occupied by some guy in his late thirties, giving some young female a tattoo. There is a sadness in Tyler’s eyes I’ve never seen before. I follow his eyes to the station that is Kellan’s and realize his stuff is gone, now replaced by this guy’s.
Somehow, seeing that, tells me right away that something's not right. That is where Kellan should be. Not this guy. Who the hell is this guy in Kellan's place? "Tyler," I demand. "Tell me what's going on." My voice shakes, but I don't care who notices.
Walking toward me, Tyler pulls me over to the door and places both his hands on my shoulders, trying his best not to make eye contact. He looks like he’s in pain. Why does he look sad? "I have a message for you." He stops and pulls something out of his pocket. "I'm sorry."
I start to panic. I feel like I'm going to puke on his shoes. Oh no! I can't puke on his shoes; it will only remind me of Kellan. "What? A message. What kind of message?" He holds out a key and I grab it, examining it in my hand. "Tell me what's going on, Tyler. What's this?"
His eyes finally meet mine, a sadness overpowering them. "I don't want to have to give you this message. Fuck!" He rubs a hand over his face and looks away for a minute before turning back to meet my gaze. "He's gone, Phoenix."
I shake my head. No! Not again.
"He left two days ago. This . . .” he opens my hand with the key in it, "Is a spare key to his house. You need to look in the closet for his guitar. He said he left a message for only you to see. He hid it inside. I don’t know what it says, but he made it sound important. Just do it, Okay?"
I grip onto his arms, probably digging my nails into his skin, but he doesn't seem to care. "He's gone," I whisper. I look up at him. "Are you sure? Maybe he hasn't left. I have to go."
He yells after me, as I let go of him and reach for the door. "You won't find him! It's too . . .”
His voice trails off as I let the door close behind me. I know I'm being stupid. I was just at his house. Of course he's not there or he would have answered. Maybe he was in the shower or maybe he was sleeping. I need some kind of hope, even if it is just a little. He can't be gone. Not again.
I pull my car up to his house and jump out, barely having time to throw it into park. I'm surprised my brain could function enough to even do that. Squeezing the key in my hand, I feel my palm starting to hurt, but I only close tighter, welcoming any kind of distraction.
I swallow hard, knowing that she's right. I can't take it anymore; I have to go see him. I can't leave things how we did. I will never be able to function right, knowing that Kellan thinks I hate him. I love him too much to let him think otherwise. He has enough pain to bear already. I can’t be the one to add to it. "Okay," I whisper. "I'll go see him. I'm just so scared. What if he doesn’t want me back? What if he changed his mind?"
She shakes her head. "There's nothing to be scared about. You know none of those things are going to happen. I think deep down you’re scared he's going to pull you into his arms and love you. You should be happy. I want that."
Her eyes sparkle and I see a hint of a smile in them. "Is Tyler going to be that for you?" I walk over to the steps, but stop to hear her answer.
Her face turns red and she bites her bottom lip. "I don't know, darling. That’s a question that doesn’t have an answer. We talk every day, but we haven't even kissed. I can't really tell if there will even be an, us, yet. As much as I’d like to, I can't say. I’m still working on my issues since Nate, and I think he has a little bit of darkness buried away deep inside. We are still feeling each other out, but I wouldn’t mind if it happened someday. He shines a little bit of light into the last few years of my darkness. He’s sexy and good and he cares about Jax.” Her eyes get a little dreamy as she says the last sentence before she mumbles, “So damn good." She waves her arms to scoot me along. "Jax should be waking up now, so I'm going to make him lunch. Call me later, yeah?"
I grin. "I hate you sometimes, but love you so damn much."
"Yeah, love ya too." She lifts an eyebrow and smiles. "Now get the hell off my porch." We both laugh at that and she disappears inside, leaving me nervous as all hell.
Well, here goes nothing.
* * *
I'm not sure where to start, so I start at his house. I'm so nervous, that I barely make it to the door without tripping over my own feet. It’s a wonder I’m not dying or turning blue from my lack of breathing. It's so quiet at the door, that I'm pretty positive before I even knock that he's not even home. I knock anyways. I knock, one, two, three times, but no answer. A part of me is relieved as I walk back over to my car. I'm not so sure I'm prepared to be alone with him right now. Maybe the shop would be a better place to talk.
Right as I'm about to open the car to get inside, I look up and spot two of the three men that were at the bar the other night. They're down the street, sitting on the bumper of an old beat up car, looking right at me as if I'm the most interesting thing they've seen all week. I don't get it. Who the hell are these creeps? Do they live over here? This is a nice neighborhood and I can't see them living here without someone wanting to call the police on them daily. They are far too rough looking to be considered harmless and just the thought of them makes my skin crawl.
Ignoring them, I jump into my car, slamming the door behind me. They're the last thing I want to worry about at the moment. I pull out of the driveway and head over to the shop. If he's not there, then I guess it just wasn't meant to be today. To be honest, I haven't got a clue what I'm even going to say to him anyways. I'm winging it and I plan on sounding like a total idiot. I always have when it comes to him.
Pulling up to the front of Adi's Attic, I shift my car into park and shut off the engine. I sit there for a few minutes, staring over at the brick building, my heart breaking for poor Adric each time I read the sign. Being here makes my chest ache, remembering mine and Kellan's conversation from the other night, but I swallow the pain and step out into the warm sunny day, making my way to the door.
Just as I open the door, Tyler stands and looks at me as if he’s been expecting me and then over to Kellan's station, which is now occupied by some guy in his late thirties, giving some young female a tattoo. There is a sadness in Tyler’s eyes I’ve never seen before. I follow his eyes to the station that is Kellan’s and realize his stuff is gone, now replaced by this guy’s.
Somehow, seeing that, tells me right away that something's not right. That is where Kellan should be. Not this guy. Who the hell is this guy in Kellan's place? "Tyler," I demand. "Tell me what's going on." My voice shakes, but I don't care who notices.
Walking toward me, Tyler pulls me over to the door and places both his hands on my shoulders, trying his best not to make eye contact. He looks like he’s in pain. Why does he look sad? "I have a message for you." He stops and pulls something out of his pocket. "I'm sorry."
I start to panic. I feel like I'm going to puke on his shoes. Oh no! I can't puke on his shoes; it will only remind me of Kellan. "What? A message. What kind of message?" He holds out a key and I grab it, examining it in my hand. "Tell me what's going on, Tyler. What's this?"
His eyes finally meet mine, a sadness overpowering them. "I don't want to have to give you this message. Fuck!" He rubs a hand over his face and looks away for a minute before turning back to meet my gaze. "He's gone, Phoenix."
I shake my head. No! Not again.
"He left two days ago. This . . .” he opens my hand with the key in it, "Is a spare key to his house. You need to look in the closet for his guitar. He said he left a message for only you to see. He hid it inside. I don’t know what it says, but he made it sound important. Just do it, Okay?"
I grip onto his arms, probably digging my nails into his skin, but he doesn't seem to care. "He's gone," I whisper. I look up at him. "Are you sure? Maybe he hasn't left. I have to go."
He yells after me, as I let go of him and reach for the door. "You won't find him! It's too . . .”
His voice trails off as I let the door close behind me. I know I'm being stupid. I was just at his house. Of course he's not there or he would have answered. Maybe he was in the shower or maybe he was sleeping. I need some kind of hope, even if it is just a little. He can't be gone. Not again.
I pull my car up to his house and jump out, barely having time to throw it into park. I'm surprised my brain could function enough to even do that. Squeezing the key in my hand, I feel my palm starting to hurt, but I only close tighter, welcoming any kind of distraction.
