Thoughtless
Page 38

"So...aren't you going to wish me good luck?" he said, coming over to stand close beside me. He leaned back against the table as he waited.
I relaxed my face and then grinned at him. "You don't need my luck to do great up there."
He smiled widely and I felt a little dizzy. "True, but I like it."
I laughed and gave him a swift hug. "Well, good luck then."
He pouted charmingly. "I generally get more than a grandmotherly hug from girls when they wish me luck." He raised an eyebrow at me suggestively.
I laughed again and smacked his shoulder. "Well, I'm not just any girl."
He smiled adoringly and shook his head. "No...no you're not." He turned and hopped up on the stage and I had to lean against the table for a second, as I felt dizzy again.
As per usual, the band was amazing. The bar seemed to double in size as the band played on, and I didn't have as much time as I would have liked to watch Kellan play. But in-between orders, I did steal a glance or two. It thrilled me when I caught him watching me. It also concerned me a little, but I quickly pushed that to the back of my mind. I had to admit to myself, I liked his attention.
I sang along softly to the songs that I knew, as I helped the many thirsty people in the bar. Near the end of their set, a song the band was playing caught my attention. I hadn't heard the intense song before, but the crowd was singing along so it must have been an old one. I glanced over at Jenny and she was singing along too. The lyrics were intensely serious and so was Kellan's face. He almost looked mad.
''I've seen what you've done to her...I know your secret. You may break her, but it won't last, you won't last. She holds herself tight, waits for the pain to be over. It won't be long now, until the angels hover."
He concentrated more on his guitar than the crowd while he played, and I couldn't help but shake the feeling that the song had nothing to do with a woman.
"You took everything, left her with nothing. She was supposed to be loved. What's wrong with you? She'll find strength, she'll be free. It won't be long...for her...for me..."
I felt the sudden inexplicable need to hold him, comfort him. I watched him from the corner of my eye as I tended to my customers. Eventually the song ended, and he switched to a happy, upbeat one. All trace of the emotion in the previous song evaporated from his face, but I couldn't shake the image of his ire.
*******************
"I'm sorry, babe." Denny was looking at me dejectedly as he sat on the edge of the bed. He was removing his shoes and rubbing his feet.
"It's fine, Denny. It's just one weekend. Really, I can handle that."
"It's really just one night apart. I'll be back late the next night, probably before you get home from work." He sighed and put his feet on the carpet. "I am sorry though." He rolled his eyes. "It's ridiculous, the only reason Max is making me go to this conference instead of him, is because he's flying to Vegas for a bachelor party." He shook his head, irritated. "If his Uncle knew, he'd be racked off."
I shrugged. "Why don't you tell him?"
He looked at me with a wry smile and shook his head. "I really don't need to make my job any worse." I cringed a bit, remembering why he had this job in the first place and noticing, he immediately said, "Sorry."
I shook my head, clearing away the memory. "So you're leaving Friday morning and you'll be back late Saturday, right?"
He came over to sit beside me on the bed. "Yeah. I'll miss you." He smiled at me and leaned over to kiss my neck.
My thoughts started drifting as his lips ran down my skin. I'd have an entire afternoon alone with Kellan. Maybe we could go somewhere...take a drive somewhere people didn't know us, where our flirting didn't have to be quite so contained behind closed doors. He had spent nearly all last weekend with Denny and I. The three of us had gone exploring downtown, Kellan showing us all of his favorite places. Kellan would sneak my hand when Denny wasn't looking, or hold me close in a quick embrace. We would gaze at each other discreetly and we smiled...a lot.
Denny's lips were trailing down past my neck. It was jarring me from my pleasant memories and I pushed him away a little. "Are you hungry? I could make dinner this time?" I had a feeling that wasn't what he was "hungry" for, but I really wasn't in the mood.
He frowned slightly, but pulled away. "Yeah...sure."
"Okay," I said cheerily, as I hopped up and kissed his forehead quickly.
I glanced at Kellan's room as I exited our room, but he wasn't there. His band was playing tonight at a small club in Pioneer Square. I had racked my brain, wondering how I could go without making Denny suspicious. It was my night off, and I rarely got to see Kellan play anywhere but Pete's. I remembered the one time I had watched him at Razors. He was amazing in a smaller, more intimate setting like that...not that he wasn't always amazing when he sang.
I sighed as I stepped off the last stair and walked through the empty living room. The house was so quiet without him. He was constantly playing or humming or singing. He filled our home with music, with his presence. It felt a little empty here with him gone. I had considered telling Denny that I was spending the evening with Jenny...but that would require a lot of lying. For one, Jenny was actually at work, and if Denny got bored and went to Pete's...well, that wouldn't be good.
I sighed again as I entered the kitchen and started rummaging for food. I didn't want to be a liar anyway. That wasn't me. I could wait. I would see Kellan soon. We'd have almost all this coming weekend together. I frowned a bit, as I realized that we'd also have a whole evening alone together too. I shook my head. That didn't matter. We were just friends. We weren't going any further than that.
My smile returned as I thought back over the last few days with Kellan. I found something intricate to make for dinner and let my mind wander back through the memories, as I started the process of preparing our meal. Not only had our weekend been great, he had been sweet and charming this whole week too. He always took me to school and walked me to class. Women now looked at the door expectantly to see him enter with me, which now made me laugh a little. He usually picked me up too, and either took me home, or to Pete's if I wanted to go in early to study. I usually didn't, I preferred to study with him on the couch, although, sometimes it was just too distracting to lie on his lap and try and read Pride and Prejudice while he stroked my hair. I usually found myself staring into his eyes instead, making him laugh and point at the book. Then I'd hand the novel over to him and make him read it to me. He'd happily do it, his voice nearly lulling me to sleep it was so smooth, and at times, I swear, purposely husky.
Denny joined me downstairs right as I finished, and we ate our dinner together at the table. He told me some more details about this conference he had to go to and I told him about my classes. We talked about my Econ class for an absurdly long amount of time (I really never needed to study for that class, since I learned more just talking it over with Denny, than from reading the books or my notes). After dinner, he cleaned up while I answered the ringing phone. It was my sister, and we talked long into the night. She was excited to come up and wanted to make sure Kellan was still coming when we all went out together. I sighed and swallowed my frustrations at that -it would be fine - and then we moved on to her current flings.
I was still chatting with her on the phone when Denny came up and kissed my cheek to say goodnight. I don't know if I was waiting for Kellan to come home from the bar or not, but I stayed on the phone with my sister for hours after Denny went to bed. Kellan did finally come home, and I finally hung up with her, melting into his warm embrace.
*******************
"So, Denny's gone tonight?" Kellan asked, holding my hand over the kitchen table while we drank our coffee.
I eyed him suspiciously. "Yes...he's in Portland until tomorrow night. Why?"
He looked down, considering something, then spoke without looking back up at me. "Stay with me tonight."
"I stay here with you every night?" I asked, confused. We did share a house after all.
He looked up at me, amused. "No...sleep with me tonight."
"Kellan! That is not going to-"
He interrupted me. "I meant literally...fall asleep with me on my bed." He laughed at my assumption.
I blushed and looked away, making him laugh some more. Finally my embarrassment cooled, and I looked back over to him. "I don't think that's such a good idea, Kellan."
He cocked his head and smiled brilliantly. "Why not? Completely innocent, I won't even get under the covers."
I raised an eyebrow. "Completely dressed too?" Why was I even considering this? It was not a good idea.
"Sure." He laughed again. "If that is what you'd prefer." He stroked my hand with his thumb.
I laughed, and then smiled at the thought of falling asleep in his arms. "It is." I frowned, it really wasn't a good idea though...too many things could go horribly wrong. "You'll let me know the moment it gets too hard."
He chuckled and looked away, barely containing his laughter. Immediately, I realized how that sounded and blushed deeply. "You know what I mean." I whispered, mortified.
Laughing softly, he said, "Yes, I know what you mean...and yes, I will." He sighed. "You really are adorable...do you know that?" His face seemed sincere when he said that, so I smiled and looked away.
"Okay...we'll try it." I whispered, thinking this was a really bad idea.
Denny came downstairs awhile later, looking freshly showered and holding one of our duffel bags. His normally warm brown eyes looked flat with sadness. He seemed reluctant to leave and I gave him a long kiss goodbye, hoping to cheer him up a bit. He did give me a half-smile when he finally left the house. Oddly, my stomach was fine as I watched him drive off at the window near the kitchen. I decided it was because he was only going to be gone for one night. It was a finite period, unlike the last time he'd left me. But then Kellan came up behind me, putting his arms around my waist as he stared out the kitchen window with me. I melted back into his embrace and wondered why I was really okay with Denny being gone?
Later at Pete's, I stopped wiping down a table and listened without looking to a song I'd never heard the guys play before. It was the closest thing to a love song I'd ever heard from the band. It was catchy and upbeat, with lyrics about 'not being alone now' and 'feeling happy when you're around'. I wondered if the song was new, and my heart raced a little at the thought of Kellan writing something just for me. I was smiling contently as I continued wiping down the table, lost in dreamy thoughts.
"Huh." Jenny came up beside me and I startled as I looked over at her. She was watching the band curiously. I glanced over at them too, worried that maybe Kellan had looked at me inappropriately and she was suspicious. Kellan flicked a glance in our direction, but was mainly smiling at the crowd of girls near him, like he usually did.
I relaxed. "What?"
Jenny turned and smiled at me. "Evan must be in love again."
"Oh...why?" I asked curiously.
She laughed a little and nodded her head towards the stage. "This song, they always play it whenever he's swooning over some girl." She looked over the crowd. "I wonder which lucky lady it is?"
My spirit deflated a bit. "Hmmm...don't know." Okay, so Kellan didn't write it for me. That's probably for the best anyway. I really don't need him gushing over me. He had a hard enough time with just being attracted to me (for some odd reason), no need to throw love on top of that. We're just friends anyway. Flirty friends, who were snuggling in bed later tonight. I frowned. It really was not a good idea.
"Do you need a ride home tonight?" Jenny asked politely.
"No, Kellan's giving me a ride back." I smiled and tried hard to not look overly excited about that. "Thank you though."
"No problem." Someone paged Jenny on the other side of the bar and she politely excused herself.
I took a few more orders. A nearby couple, obviously on a first date, the man horribly nervous, the woman cutely shy, made me smile. While I was waiting at the bar for their drinks, Kellan's song ended and upon hearing his speaking voice, I glanced up at the stage.