Thoughtless
Page 70

When his face was calmer, he opened his eyes and my heart broke at the sadness in them. "I told you I would walk away, if that was your choice...and I will. I won't make trouble for the both of you."
His gaze sad, but achingly full of love, he quietly added, "I always knew where your heart really was anyway. I never should have asked you to make a choice...there never was a choice to make. Last night, I did hope that..." He sighed and looked down to the pavement. "I should have left ages ago. I was just...being selfish."
I gaped at him, disbelieving. He thought he was being selfish? Here, I was the one literally shuffling between the beds of two men, and he was selfish? "I think I give new meaning to the word, Kellan."
He smiled a little when he looked back up at me, and then his face got serious again. "You were scared, Kiera. I understand that. You're scared to let go...I am too. But everything will be fine." Almost as if to convince himself, he repeated, "We will be fine." He spoke so quietly that I could barely hear him over the loud music drifting over the fence from the beer garden.
He swept me into his arms for a tight embrace. I threw my arms around his neck and curled one hand through his wonderfully thick hair. I inhaled the scent of his skin mixed with his leather jacket, savoring every second with him. His arms pulled me in so tight that I could barely breathe. I didn't care, he could have compressed me into his body and I wouldn't have cared, I ached for his closeness so badly. My mind was still spinning over my shifting choice. I wasn't sure what I wanted, but maybe Kellan was right...maybe first thoughts are the correct one.
With a voice thick with emotion, he whispered in my ear, "Don't ever tell Denny about us. He won't leave you. You can stay at my place for as long as you like. You can even rent out my room if you want. I don't care."
I pulled back to look at him, tears streaming mercilessly down my face now. He answered my unasked question, another tear shimmering down his cheek in the moonlight as well. "I have to leave now, Kiera...while I can." He brushed multiple tears away from my cheeks. "I'll call Jenny and have her come get you. She'll take you to him. She'll help you."
"Who will help you?" I whispered, searching his achingly perfect face in the silver light. I knew how much he cared now. I knew what I meant to him, and how extremely difficult leaving me was for him. I knew how hard it was for me, and I felt like dying.
Swallowing, he ignored my question. "You and Denny can go to Australia and be married. You can have a long, happy life together, the way it was supposed to be." His voice cracked on the end and another tear rolled down his cheek. "I promise, I won't interfere."
I wasn't letting it go though. "What about you? You'll be alone..." I needed to know he would be okay.
He smiled sadly. "Kiera...it was always supposed to be that way too."
I stared at his liquid blue eyes, placing a hand on his cheek and holding back a sob. He was willing to give up everything he had ever wanted in this world - a real, deep, to the bottom of his soul love, without a fight, to save Denny's and my relationship. His good heart broke mine. "I told you, you were a good man," I whispered.
"I think Denny would disagree," he whispered back.
I threw my arms tightly around his neck again as a hauntingly slow beat drifted over the fence and pounded through my body. I ran my fingers back through his hair and choked back another sob as he rested his forehead against mine.
"God, I'm going to miss you..." His voice cracked at the end and he swallowed loudly.
It was too much, it was too hard. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't let him slip away. I loved him too much. This was too hard. This felt wrong...all of this just felt wrong. I couldn't let him go...
"Kellan, please don't-"
He immediately cut me off. "Don't, Kiera. Don't ask me that. It has to happen this way. We need to stop this cycle, and we both seem incapable of staying away from each other...so one of us needs to leave." He exhaled heavily and spoke quickly, while rocking his head back and forth against mine, his eyes tightly closed. "This is the way Denny doesn't get hurt. If I'm gone, he may not question your lie. But if you ask me to stay...I will, and he'll eventually find out, and we'll destroy him. I know you don't want that. I don't either, baby." He almost seemed to be willing himself to say the words that he clearly didn't want to say.
Pain rocketed through my body and I couldn't stop the sob. "But it hurts so much..."
He kissed me softly. "I know, baby...I know. We have to let it hurt. I need to leave, for good this time. If he's what you want, then we need to end this. It's the only way."
He kissed me again, and then pulled back to look at me; his eyes were as wet and pained as mine must have been. He reached a hand into his jacket pocket and grabbed something. Holding his fist out to me, he gently pried open my hand with his other one. Very slowly, he opened his fist and placed something in my palm.
Through my blurry vision, I looked at what he'd given me. It was a very delicate, silver chain. Attached to the chain was a silver guitar, and in the center of the guitar was a round diamond that had to be at least a carat. It was simple and stunning - perfect, just like him. I inhaled sharply and couldn't speak. My hand started to shake.
"You don't have to wear it...I'll understand. I just wanted you to have something to remember me by." He cocked his head to the side and gazed at my tear streaked face. "I didn't want you to forget me. I'll never forget you."
I looked at him, barely able to speak through the pain. "Forget you?" The very idea was ludicrous. As if he wasn't seared into the very fabric of my soul. "I could never..." I grabbed his face in my hands, the necklace still laced in my fingers. "I love you...forever."
He brought his lips to mine, kissing me deeply. The music behind us swelled along with my heart. Again, I doubted that I could do this, that I could let him leave me. It still felt so wrong. His leaving, after everything we'd gone through, felt completely wrong. How would I survive this? Surely the withdrawals of a permanent separation would break me into pieces. I missed him already, even with his lips pressed firmly to mine, I longed for him.
We savored every second that we had together. I felt like the pain would bring me to my knees. A sob broke through my lips, and he clutched me tighter to his chest. He placed a hand on my cheek and a second later, a sob broke through his, and I deepened our heartbreaking final kiss. This was wrong. I couldn't watch him walk away from me. I needed to speak, find some magic words to get him to stay with me...I just didn't know how. I knew my life would never be the same once this kiss ended. I never wanted it to end...
But of course, nothing lasts forever.
The sound of the gate behind me smashing forcefully closed, forever changed the way I would remember this last tender moment with Kellan.
Terrified, I immediately broke contact and stared at Kellan's wide eyes. He was looking past me, at the figure at the gate, but I could not make myself turn to look. I didn't need to look anyway. There was only one person on this earth who could have caused the intense look of fear, sorrow and guilt on Kellan's face. My whole body started shaking.
"I'm so sorry, Kiera." Kellan whispered to me, never once taking his eyes from the gate.
Denny had just entered our small circle of private hell, and there was no going back for him, for any of us.
"Kiera... Kellan..." My name came out like a question, Kellan's like a curse. Denny moved closer to where Kellan and I were quickly stepping away from each other. His face was confused and at the same time, livid. He had seen that all too tender moment.
"Denny..." I tried to come up with something, but I couldn't. I suddenly realized that Denny had lied; he had never been called away. He had orchestrated this, tested us...we had failed.
He ignored me and glared at Kellan. "What the hell is going on?"
I ran through some excuses that Kellan could say in my head, but dropped my mouth in shock as Kellan simply told Denny the truth. "I kissed her. I was saying goodbye...I'm leaving."
I fought back my despair at that statement, as I watched anger flare in Denny's dark eyes. "You kissed her?" I thought for a moment that he would leave it at that, but then he blurted out, "Did you fuck her?"
Shock again flared through me at Denny's conclusion to Kellan's simple statement. He had known, or at least suspected. I looked over at Kellan, silently pleading with him to lie.
He didn't.
"Yes," he whispered, cringing a little at Denny's crudeness.
Denny's mouth dropped wide open as he glared at Kellan. Both men seemed to have forgotten that I was even there. "When?" he whispered harshly.
Kellan sighed. "The first time was the night you broke up."
Denny's eyebrows rose, along with his voice, "The first time? How many times were there?" I closed my eyes, hoping this was just a nightmare.
Kellan answered very calmly. "Only twice..."
My eyes flashed open at his statement. Why would he lie about that? But at a meaningful look from him, I understood. Our last few days together had in no way constituted what Denny had crudely asked him. It wasn't a lie, simply...a half-truth. Even in my horror for the situation, my heart warmed a little at his omission.
He calmly finished his thought, looking back towards Denny, "...but I wanted her...every day."
The small warmth in my heart froze and my heart squeezed painfully. My breath completely stopped. What was he doing? Why would he tell Denny that? I must be dreaming. This couldn't be real. It wasn't real.
It happened so fast, that I didn't have time to comprehend it. Denny's fist flew around and connected with Kellan's jaw, the blow staggering him backwards. Recovering slowly, Kellan stood straight and faced Denny again, blood trickling down his now cut lip.
"I won't fight you, Denny. I'm so sorry, but we never wanted to hurt you. We fought against... We tried so hard to resist this...pull, we feel towards each other." Kellan's face cringed as he spoke, his emotional pain worse than his physical one.
"You tried? You tried to not fuck her?" Denny yelled, and hit him again.
My mind wanted me to scream at Denny to stop. My body wanted me to pull him away. Aside from shaking with fear and an aching coldness that pierced me to my very bones, I couldn't move. Shock froze me in place, gaping like an idiot, and I stood there, silently.
"I gave up everything for her!" Denny struck him repeatedly. Kellan did nothing to block the blows, and made no attempt to fight Denny back. In fact, after every hit he turned to face Denny, intentionally or unintentionally giving him the best possible angle every time. Blood oozed from a cut on his cheek, his lip and over his eye. "You promised me you wouldn't touch her!"
"I'm sorry, Denny." Kellan muttered between hits, barely audible to me, and probably completely inaudible to Denny in his rage.
I wanted Denny to yell at me, to blame me, to hit me, to at least look at me as being equally responsible for this mess, but all his rage was focused on Kellan. I had stopped existing to him. Inside I was sobbing, screaming for it to end. But I just stood there, silently.
Eventually Kellan's strength wore out, and he fell to his knees in a pant, his blue shirt stained with his blood. "I trusted you!" Denny screamed at him, as a particularly brutal knee to Kellan's chin knocked him to his back.
My mind couldn't comprehend it. I started rejecting this reality. I was dreaming, that had to be it. This was just a nightmare, my worst nightmare. Soon I would wake up. But still, like I was stuck in quicksand, I just stood there, silently.
Denny now began kicking him repeatedly with his heavy boots, screaming obscenities with every blow. A vicious one landed on Kellan's arm, more out of luck, than Kellan making any real attempt to defend himself, causing a sickening snap that even in my stupor I could hear. Kellan cried out in pain, but Denny didn't stop. "You said you were my brother!"
My stomach rose. My body shivered uncontrollably. Tears flowed down my cheeks. Reality was shifting to me. Was I going mad? Was that why I couldn't move, couldn't shout for help? I desperately wanted to pull Denny away, hit him if I had to, but listening in horror, I still just stood there, silently.