Three, Two, One (321)
Page 81
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She lets out a long sigh.
“What?” I ask.
She’s quiet for a few seconds and I try my best to be patient and let her think. “I want to believe you,” she finally says. “I really do.” And then she sits up and turns towards me, looking me straight in the face. “I love you. But I love him too. We’re three, Ark. We’re three and you just bailed out on that without even blinking. I can’t walk out on that. Not without a conversation.”
“I get it, but—”
She puts her hand up to stop me. “Just listen to me for once. I’m allowed to have an opinion, Ark.”
“Of course you are.”
“I need to see him. I need to hear his side. You two started this relationship with me. You got me all invested. I don’t fault him for the rough stuff. I know it means I’m sick—”
I reach for her, because filling her with shame about that was never my intention. “Blue, if you really like it like that, it’s fine. But I don’t think you do. I think you’re fucked up from the past year and a half of psychological sex games.’
“I know,” she says quickly. “I realize that it’s all tainted by my experiences. But my point is, it’s not JD’s fault for giving me what I asked for. Even if what I asked for wasn’t good for me. And you know what? Maybe JD’s way wasn’t the right way. But at least he was in the game.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“You never touch me unless he’s there. When you’re gone, JD can’t get enough of me. And you never want more. He jokes and laughs. He smiles and makes me smile. And maybe it’s not fair to compare the two of you, but Ark… he makes me feel loved.”
I’m blown away. “You’ve got to be kidding me. After all the shit he’s done?”
“He’s in the game. You’re avoiding it whenever you can.”
“I’m the one who’s here! I’m the one who’s trying to protect you!”
“I know. That’s all you do. Protect me. It’s like… it’s like I’m your job and not your girlfriend.”
I laugh at that one. I scrub my hand down my face and laugh.
“You’ve never had sex with me alone. Ever.”
“We’re a threesome!”
“So now you want to be a threesome? But five minutes ago you were ready to walk away from JD and never look back?”
“It’s not that simple—”
“It is that simple.” She stands up and begins to untie her coat. “May I use your bathroom?”
And I guess she’s right. It is that simple. Because just like that, she shuts me down.
The hot water washes over me as I struggle with what I’m trying to come to terms with tonight. Ark brought me here to save me from JD. Why do I have such a problem with that?
I run things through my head as the steam gathers in the shower and that takes me back to that first day when we were in the tub together. Ark left to take a phone call. JD stayed and held me.
Ark was all business back then, just like he is now. Logical. Calculating. Always keeping things at arm’s length.
JD is messy emotions and heartfelt declarations. He’s easy-going and friendly. And if you asked me on day one which one would hurt me more—the one who wants to slap my face as I suck his dick, or the one who wants to protect me and keep me safe—I’d never have guessed that Ark would have such power to destroy me.
Because JD might be fucked up, but I understood what he wanted. JD shared with me. Not with words. He never told me his story with words. But he told me his story with sex.
Is that wrong?
I shut the water off and wrap a towel around myself. I don’t know if Ark brought me clothes, but I figure the ones I had on are good enough, even if he did. So I put my jeans and t-shirt back on and walk back out to the living room.
Ark is still sitting on the couch, staring at me, when I walk in. He’s got his leg crossed over his knee and one hand over his mouth, cupping his chin. It’s a gesture that defines how different he is from JD. Because that gesture says, How much do I tell you? How deep do I let you into my life?
“You know what your problem is?” I ask him, taking a seat on the opposite side of the couch where I was earlier.
He shoots me a perplexed look. “What?”
“Your problem is that you’re not invested.”
He laughs. “Is that right?”
“Yeah. That’s the difference between you and JD. You’ve never checked in, Ark. You never asked for the room key. You never made yourself at home.”
“How do you figure? I have done nothing but help you. Nothing but support you—”
“You’re right,” I say, cutting him off. “You’ve done nothing else. Because you’re not invested. I’m some kind of project to you. Or a means to an end. Or, I don’t know, a distraction.”
“A distraction?” he asks with one eyebrow raised. “You must be fucking with me. Because you, Blue, are the whole reason I’m checking out.” And then he laughs.
“I don’t even know what that means. What are you checking out of?”
“You’re the one who wants me to check in. You tell me.”
“I’m talking about this relationship we have. What the fuck are you taking about?”
That catches him off guard because his eyes widen and he sits back a little. And this is when I realize something.
“What?” I ask.
She’s quiet for a few seconds and I try my best to be patient and let her think. “I want to believe you,” she finally says. “I really do.” And then she sits up and turns towards me, looking me straight in the face. “I love you. But I love him too. We’re three, Ark. We’re three and you just bailed out on that without even blinking. I can’t walk out on that. Not without a conversation.”
“I get it, but—”
She puts her hand up to stop me. “Just listen to me for once. I’m allowed to have an opinion, Ark.”
“Of course you are.”
“I need to see him. I need to hear his side. You two started this relationship with me. You got me all invested. I don’t fault him for the rough stuff. I know it means I’m sick—”
I reach for her, because filling her with shame about that was never my intention. “Blue, if you really like it like that, it’s fine. But I don’t think you do. I think you’re fucked up from the past year and a half of psychological sex games.’
“I know,” she says quickly. “I realize that it’s all tainted by my experiences. But my point is, it’s not JD’s fault for giving me what I asked for. Even if what I asked for wasn’t good for me. And you know what? Maybe JD’s way wasn’t the right way. But at least he was in the game.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“You never touch me unless he’s there. When you’re gone, JD can’t get enough of me. And you never want more. He jokes and laughs. He smiles and makes me smile. And maybe it’s not fair to compare the two of you, but Ark… he makes me feel loved.”
I’m blown away. “You’ve got to be kidding me. After all the shit he’s done?”
“He’s in the game. You’re avoiding it whenever you can.”
“I’m the one who’s here! I’m the one who’s trying to protect you!”
“I know. That’s all you do. Protect me. It’s like… it’s like I’m your job and not your girlfriend.”
I laugh at that one. I scrub my hand down my face and laugh.
“You’ve never had sex with me alone. Ever.”
“We’re a threesome!”
“So now you want to be a threesome? But five minutes ago you were ready to walk away from JD and never look back?”
“It’s not that simple—”
“It is that simple.” She stands up and begins to untie her coat. “May I use your bathroom?”
And I guess she’s right. It is that simple. Because just like that, she shuts me down.
The hot water washes over me as I struggle with what I’m trying to come to terms with tonight. Ark brought me here to save me from JD. Why do I have such a problem with that?
I run things through my head as the steam gathers in the shower and that takes me back to that first day when we were in the tub together. Ark left to take a phone call. JD stayed and held me.
Ark was all business back then, just like he is now. Logical. Calculating. Always keeping things at arm’s length.
JD is messy emotions and heartfelt declarations. He’s easy-going and friendly. And if you asked me on day one which one would hurt me more—the one who wants to slap my face as I suck his dick, or the one who wants to protect me and keep me safe—I’d never have guessed that Ark would have such power to destroy me.
Because JD might be fucked up, but I understood what he wanted. JD shared with me. Not with words. He never told me his story with words. But he told me his story with sex.
Is that wrong?
I shut the water off and wrap a towel around myself. I don’t know if Ark brought me clothes, but I figure the ones I had on are good enough, even if he did. So I put my jeans and t-shirt back on and walk back out to the living room.
Ark is still sitting on the couch, staring at me, when I walk in. He’s got his leg crossed over his knee and one hand over his mouth, cupping his chin. It’s a gesture that defines how different he is from JD. Because that gesture says, How much do I tell you? How deep do I let you into my life?
“You know what your problem is?” I ask him, taking a seat on the opposite side of the couch where I was earlier.
He shoots me a perplexed look. “What?”
“Your problem is that you’re not invested.”
He laughs. “Is that right?”
“Yeah. That’s the difference between you and JD. You’ve never checked in, Ark. You never asked for the room key. You never made yourself at home.”
“How do you figure? I have done nothing but help you. Nothing but support you—”
“You’re right,” I say, cutting him off. “You’ve done nothing else. Because you’re not invested. I’m some kind of project to you. Or a means to an end. Or, I don’t know, a distraction.”
“A distraction?” he asks with one eyebrow raised. “You must be fucking with me. Because you, Blue, are the whole reason I’m checking out.” And then he laughs.
“I don’t even know what that means. What are you checking out of?”
“You’re the one who wants me to check in. You tell me.”
“I’m talking about this relationship we have. What the fuck are you taking about?”
That catches him off guard because his eyes widen and he sits back a little. And this is when I realize something.
