“Well”—I scrambled for the right explanation—“without permission, it’s a violation.”
“But you get permission. You take pain with the intent to help, to heal. That’s the best kind of magic there is.”
“Don’t make me out to be a saint, Lily. I’m not.”
“But,” she challenged, “you aren’t like Jack.”
The comment set my teeth on edge. “I never said I was like Jack.”
“But you think you are. It’s the next logical step, especially if you compare your abilities,” she said. “Memories and emotions are all tied up. The more strongly you feel about a situation influences how you remember it. There’ve been studies.”
“That you just happened to read?”
“No. I looked it up online.” Lily pointed toward the desk, where her computer was open. There was a picture on the screen, one she’d taken today when I hadn’t been paying attention. It showed the back of Em’s head, which Lily had been in the process of cropping out, and me, with a half smile on my face.
“Nice picture.”
“Ah, yeah.” She blushed a little and rocketed over to the desk to close the lid of her laptop. “It was a good shot. You, um, have a nice smile. When you pull it out and dust it off.”
“Em and I were talking about you. How talented you are.”
“Let’s get back to talking about you.” Very single-minded, this girl. “You’ve never said it out loud, but I know you compare yourself to him.”
I debated telling her that Jack had just made all kinds of comparisons for me, and that the similarities were worse than I’d thought, but I was too worried I’d cave and tell her about the pocket watch. I didn’t want to go there tonight, so I shrugged. “Maybe.”
“It’s only your abilities that are the same.” She walked back to the bed, but she didn’t sit down. “Jack takes memories and replaces them, and it fractures people in a million ways. And your mom, what he did by taking her memories and not replacing them. It made her empty.”
I stared up at her.
“You aren’t like him,” she insisted. “Your intentions aren’t the same. What you offered to do for Emerson tonight was a step toward helping her heal. That’s what’s in your heart, and that’s the difference between you and Jack.”
“Maybe.” The word caught in my throat. How did she see the man that I wanted to be so clearly, instead of the ugliness that was really there?
“Why don’t you believe me?”
“Lily, I’ve made so many mistakes. I’ve not helped people who needed it. The people who needed it most.”
“Like who?” She sat down beside me. “Did you try to take your mom’s emotions after your dad died?”
“No,” I whispered. “Not until it was too late.”
“Listen to me.” She took a deep breath before reaching for my hand. “You have to forgive yourself for that, and then you need to take the next step. Instead of beating yourself up because Jack took your mom’s memories, you need to focus on how to get them back.”
I met her eyes.
On summer evenings when I was little, I’d hold my mom’s hand while she snapped the blooms off the bright orange flowers that grew in her garden. Every morning, they would bloom again, beautiful and resilient, ready to take on whatever the day brought.
Tiger lilies.
I had an irrational urge to hold Lily, or ask her to hold me. What would it feel like to lean instead of carrying all the time? I ran the tip of my finger over each of her knuckles before flipping her hand over to trace the lines on her palm. “I don’t know how to navigate you.”
“That’s my life line, not a map.” She smiled, but she pulled away. “Did you hear what I said about forgiving yourself?”
“I did. I think … I need … distance from this conversation.” I stood.
“I’m sorry, I had no intentions of crossing any boundaries—”
“Lily. Relax. All I meant is that I need some time to think about everything you’ve said. Not that I was mad you said it.”
“Okay.” She stood, too. “Kaleb?”
“Yeah?”
“If you … slept … in here, in that bed”—she blushed furiously as she pointed at it—“I’d feel a lot … better. About you staying out of the liquor cabinet.”
“That’s it?”
“And I’d feel a lot safer. In general.”
“Done. Let me get some clothes.” I didn’t feel right about leaving her alone, anyway, not with Jack popping in and out of every godforsaken place I went.
“Okay. Oh, and hey.”
“Yeah?” I paused at the door.
“I still don’t like you.”
“I know,” I said, smiling. “I still don’t like you, either.”
She was already asleep when I returned.
I left the door cracked.
Chapter 31
I’d achieved a miraculous feat.
Eight strictly platonic hours in a bedroom with a girl.
Em and Michael didn’t ask any questions the next morning. Some dismay came from Em’s direction, and I caught her giving Lily a look. Lily shook her head, and the dismay turned to curiosity.
We checked out and carried our bags to Em’s SUV. I stepped in front of the trunk before she could pop it open.
“Two things,” I said. “First of all, I saw Jack last night.”
“What?” Em fumbled her suitcase.
“Where?” Michael demanded.
“At the police station.” I recounted the events of the evening, and everything I’d learned. I left out the comparisons Jack made between us. And that he left the pocket watch behind.
“And secondly, I want to give Dune a chance with the Skroll before we tell Dad about it. If Dune can’t get anything after a few days, then we can get Dad involved. I don’t want to get his hopes up, and I don’t want to be cut out of any information it could provide. Agreed?”
“Agreed,” Em waved me to the side and popped open the trunk.
Michael swung the bags into the back.
“Are you in?” I asked.
He nodded, but he remained as quiet as the grave.
So was the rest of the ride home.
Em dropped Lily off first. No one said a word until Em pulled into my driveway. I was already reaching for the door handle.
“Kaleb, wait,” Em blurted out.
I sat back in the seat and met her eyes in the rearview mirror.
“I know what you were trying to do for me last night, and I know how much taking emotion costs you. It was a gift that I didn’t accept. I’m sorry, and thank you so much.” Completely genuine.
Michael ached beside her.
“I’m sorry I yelled. At both of you,” I said.
“Don’t apologize.” Michael turned around. Regret. “I called you selfish, when what you were offering to do for Em was completely selfless.”
“There were extenuating circumstances,” I said, repeating Lily’s words. Meeting his eyes. “We were all jerks. But it’s okay.”
“I hope so.” Michael’s ache disappeared. The sadness had been for me, not for Em.
“But you get permission. You take pain with the intent to help, to heal. That’s the best kind of magic there is.”
“Don’t make me out to be a saint, Lily. I’m not.”
“But,” she challenged, “you aren’t like Jack.”
The comment set my teeth on edge. “I never said I was like Jack.”
“But you think you are. It’s the next logical step, especially if you compare your abilities,” she said. “Memories and emotions are all tied up. The more strongly you feel about a situation influences how you remember it. There’ve been studies.”
“That you just happened to read?”
“No. I looked it up online.” Lily pointed toward the desk, where her computer was open. There was a picture on the screen, one she’d taken today when I hadn’t been paying attention. It showed the back of Em’s head, which Lily had been in the process of cropping out, and me, with a half smile on my face.
“Nice picture.”
“Ah, yeah.” She blushed a little and rocketed over to the desk to close the lid of her laptop. “It was a good shot. You, um, have a nice smile. When you pull it out and dust it off.”
“Em and I were talking about you. How talented you are.”
“Let’s get back to talking about you.” Very single-minded, this girl. “You’ve never said it out loud, but I know you compare yourself to him.”
I debated telling her that Jack had just made all kinds of comparisons for me, and that the similarities were worse than I’d thought, but I was too worried I’d cave and tell her about the pocket watch. I didn’t want to go there tonight, so I shrugged. “Maybe.”
“It’s only your abilities that are the same.” She walked back to the bed, but she didn’t sit down. “Jack takes memories and replaces them, and it fractures people in a million ways. And your mom, what he did by taking her memories and not replacing them. It made her empty.”
I stared up at her.
“You aren’t like him,” she insisted. “Your intentions aren’t the same. What you offered to do for Emerson tonight was a step toward helping her heal. That’s what’s in your heart, and that’s the difference between you and Jack.”
“Maybe.” The word caught in my throat. How did she see the man that I wanted to be so clearly, instead of the ugliness that was really there?
“Why don’t you believe me?”
“Lily, I’ve made so many mistakes. I’ve not helped people who needed it. The people who needed it most.”
“Like who?” She sat down beside me. “Did you try to take your mom’s emotions after your dad died?”
“No,” I whispered. “Not until it was too late.”
“Listen to me.” She took a deep breath before reaching for my hand. “You have to forgive yourself for that, and then you need to take the next step. Instead of beating yourself up because Jack took your mom’s memories, you need to focus on how to get them back.”
I met her eyes.
On summer evenings when I was little, I’d hold my mom’s hand while she snapped the blooms off the bright orange flowers that grew in her garden. Every morning, they would bloom again, beautiful and resilient, ready to take on whatever the day brought.
Tiger lilies.
I had an irrational urge to hold Lily, or ask her to hold me. What would it feel like to lean instead of carrying all the time? I ran the tip of my finger over each of her knuckles before flipping her hand over to trace the lines on her palm. “I don’t know how to navigate you.”
“That’s my life line, not a map.” She smiled, but she pulled away. “Did you hear what I said about forgiving yourself?”
“I did. I think … I need … distance from this conversation.” I stood.
“I’m sorry, I had no intentions of crossing any boundaries—”
“Lily. Relax. All I meant is that I need some time to think about everything you’ve said. Not that I was mad you said it.”
“Okay.” She stood, too. “Kaleb?”
“Yeah?”
“If you … slept … in here, in that bed”—she blushed furiously as she pointed at it—“I’d feel a lot … better. About you staying out of the liquor cabinet.”
“That’s it?”
“And I’d feel a lot safer. In general.”
“Done. Let me get some clothes.” I didn’t feel right about leaving her alone, anyway, not with Jack popping in and out of every godforsaken place I went.
“Okay. Oh, and hey.”
“Yeah?” I paused at the door.
“I still don’t like you.”
“I know,” I said, smiling. “I still don’t like you, either.”
She was already asleep when I returned.
I left the door cracked.
Chapter 31
I’d achieved a miraculous feat.
Eight strictly platonic hours in a bedroom with a girl.
Em and Michael didn’t ask any questions the next morning. Some dismay came from Em’s direction, and I caught her giving Lily a look. Lily shook her head, and the dismay turned to curiosity.
We checked out and carried our bags to Em’s SUV. I stepped in front of the trunk before she could pop it open.
“Two things,” I said. “First of all, I saw Jack last night.”
“What?” Em fumbled her suitcase.
“Where?” Michael demanded.
“At the police station.” I recounted the events of the evening, and everything I’d learned. I left out the comparisons Jack made between us. And that he left the pocket watch behind.
“And secondly, I want to give Dune a chance with the Skroll before we tell Dad about it. If Dune can’t get anything after a few days, then we can get Dad involved. I don’t want to get his hopes up, and I don’t want to be cut out of any information it could provide. Agreed?”
“Agreed,” Em waved me to the side and popped open the trunk.
Michael swung the bags into the back.
“Are you in?” I asked.
He nodded, but he remained as quiet as the grave.
So was the rest of the ride home.
Em dropped Lily off first. No one said a word until Em pulled into my driveway. I was already reaching for the door handle.
“Kaleb, wait,” Em blurted out.
I sat back in the seat and met her eyes in the rearview mirror.
“I know what you were trying to do for me last night, and I know how much taking emotion costs you. It was a gift that I didn’t accept. I’m sorry, and thank you so much.” Completely genuine.
Michael ached beside her.
“I’m sorry I yelled. At both of you,” I said.
“Don’t apologize.” Michael turned around. Regret. “I called you selfish, when what you were offering to do for Em was completely selfless.”
“There were extenuating circumstances,” I said, repeating Lily’s words. Meeting his eyes. “We were all jerks. But it’s okay.”
“I hope so.” Michael’s ache disappeared. The sadness had been for me, not for Em.
