"I was just driving by. Saw you sitting here, thought I'd check on you."
"I'm fine," I say, returning my attention to the homework in front of me. I feel like maybe I should thank him for the heads up today. If he wouldn't have called, there's no telling how that situation would have turned out. But then again, he could have just been warning me to save his own ass.
But I know he wasn't. I could hear the concern in his voice before I hung up the phone. He was scared for me. He was scared for me, just like I was scared for him.
"Are you?" he asks, skeptically. "Are you really fine?"
I glance up at him. He can't just leave things alone, can he?
I drop my pencil on the table and turn to face him. He's always pushing for more truth. Always wanting to know what the hell I'm thinking. If this is what he wants, we might as well get it over with. I take a deep breath and prepare to answer all the questions he's ever asked, and even ones he hasn't gotten around to asking yet.
"Yes, I'm fine. I'm not great. I'm not terrible. I'm just fine. I'm fine because I have a roof over my head and a boyfriend who loves me, despite the fact that he makes bad choices. Do I wish he were a better person? Yes. If I had the means, would I leave him? Yes. Absolutely. Do I wish there wasn't so much constantly going on at my house that I could actually find a quiet place to do homework, or heaven forbid, get some sleep? Hell yes. Do I wish I could graduate sooner and get out of this mess? Yes. Am I embarrassed by the way Asa treats me? Yes. Do I wish you weren't a part of this? Yes. Do I wish you could be the guy I thought you were the first time I met you in class? Yes. Do I wish you could save me?"
I let out a short, defeated sigh and look down at my hands. "So much, Carter," I whisper. "I wish you could save me from all this shit so, so much. But you can't. I'm not in this life for myself. If I were, I would have left a long time ago."
How could he save me from this life? He's a part of this life. If I ran from Asa and into Carter's arms, it would be the exact same lifestyle...just a different pair of arms. And Carter has no idea that the only reason I'm still in this situation isn't even about me or what I used to feel for Asa.
I shake my head at this entire, unfortunate situation we're in and try to blink back tears. "I left him once," I say to Carter. "In the beginning when I found out how he was making his money. I didn't have anywhere to go, but I left him because I knew I deserved better." I pause, searching for the right words. When I look up at Carter the first thing I notice is the genuine concern in his eyes. It's a strange feeling to trust someone you barely know more than the person you share your own bed with.
"I had two younger brothers growing up. They were born when I was only two. Twins. My mother was an addict so they were both born with complications. Drew died when he was ten. The other—Stephen—needs a lot of care. Care I can't provide on my own if I want to build a good life for us. When he turned sixteen, he was finally approved for a group facility where he'd be able to live and have twenty-four hour care. And I could go to college and make a better life for us. Things were great until a few weeks after I decided to break up with Asa. Stephen's funding was pulled by the state and I had no place for us to live—no place to care for him. My only other option was paying the fee out of pocket, which is thousands of dollars a month. I couldn't afford it, but the last thing I wanted was for him to be forced to move back in with my mother. It's not safe for him there. When I realized the situation I had put us both in, I didn't know where else to turn. And when Asa showed up, begging to take me back with promises of paying for Stephen's care, I couldn't say no. I moved back in with him. Now I'm forced to pretend that he's enough for me. I pretend to turn a blind eye to the awful things he does. And in turn, he sends a check every month to pay for Stephen's expenses. And that's why I'm still there, Carter. Because I have no other choice."
Carter stares at me, completely silent. For a moment I almost regret being so open with him. I've never told anyone that. As much as Asa doesn't deserve me, I'm still ashamed that I'm only with him because he helps me. It's embarrassing to admit the truth to someone.
Lunch with him today seems like it was a world away from right now. So much has happened between this morning and this moment. He looks different now. Not the playful Carter he was in class this morning. Not the apologetic Carter he was after our lunch today.
Right now he just looks...I don't know...like a different person altogether. Almost as if he's been pretending to be someone he's not and this is the first time he's looking at me with truth behind his eyes.
He glances away for a second and I see the slow roll of his throat as he swallows and then speaks. "I respect what you're doing for your brother, Sloan," he says. "But what good are you going to be to him if you end up dead? That house isn't safe for you. Asa isn't safe for you."
"I'm fine," I say, returning my attention to the homework in front of me. I feel like maybe I should thank him for the heads up today. If he wouldn't have called, there's no telling how that situation would have turned out. But then again, he could have just been warning me to save his own ass.
But I know he wasn't. I could hear the concern in his voice before I hung up the phone. He was scared for me. He was scared for me, just like I was scared for him.
"Are you?" he asks, skeptically. "Are you really fine?"
I glance up at him. He can't just leave things alone, can he?
I drop my pencil on the table and turn to face him. He's always pushing for more truth. Always wanting to know what the hell I'm thinking. If this is what he wants, we might as well get it over with. I take a deep breath and prepare to answer all the questions he's ever asked, and even ones he hasn't gotten around to asking yet.
"Yes, I'm fine. I'm not great. I'm not terrible. I'm just fine. I'm fine because I have a roof over my head and a boyfriend who loves me, despite the fact that he makes bad choices. Do I wish he were a better person? Yes. If I had the means, would I leave him? Yes. Absolutely. Do I wish there wasn't so much constantly going on at my house that I could actually find a quiet place to do homework, or heaven forbid, get some sleep? Hell yes. Do I wish I could graduate sooner and get out of this mess? Yes. Am I embarrassed by the way Asa treats me? Yes. Do I wish you weren't a part of this? Yes. Do I wish you could be the guy I thought you were the first time I met you in class? Yes. Do I wish you could save me?"
I let out a short, defeated sigh and look down at my hands. "So much, Carter," I whisper. "I wish you could save me from all this shit so, so much. But you can't. I'm not in this life for myself. If I were, I would have left a long time ago."
How could he save me from this life? He's a part of this life. If I ran from Asa and into Carter's arms, it would be the exact same lifestyle...just a different pair of arms. And Carter has no idea that the only reason I'm still in this situation isn't even about me or what I used to feel for Asa.
I shake my head at this entire, unfortunate situation we're in and try to blink back tears. "I left him once," I say to Carter. "In the beginning when I found out how he was making his money. I didn't have anywhere to go, but I left him because I knew I deserved better." I pause, searching for the right words. When I look up at Carter the first thing I notice is the genuine concern in his eyes. It's a strange feeling to trust someone you barely know more than the person you share your own bed with.
"I had two younger brothers growing up. They were born when I was only two. Twins. My mother was an addict so they were both born with complications. Drew died when he was ten. The other—Stephen—needs a lot of care. Care I can't provide on my own if I want to build a good life for us. When he turned sixteen, he was finally approved for a group facility where he'd be able to live and have twenty-four hour care. And I could go to college and make a better life for us. Things were great until a few weeks after I decided to break up with Asa. Stephen's funding was pulled by the state and I had no place for us to live—no place to care for him. My only other option was paying the fee out of pocket, which is thousands of dollars a month. I couldn't afford it, but the last thing I wanted was for him to be forced to move back in with my mother. It's not safe for him there. When I realized the situation I had put us both in, I didn't know where else to turn. And when Asa showed up, begging to take me back with promises of paying for Stephen's care, I couldn't say no. I moved back in with him. Now I'm forced to pretend that he's enough for me. I pretend to turn a blind eye to the awful things he does. And in turn, he sends a check every month to pay for Stephen's expenses. And that's why I'm still there, Carter. Because I have no other choice."
Carter stares at me, completely silent. For a moment I almost regret being so open with him. I've never told anyone that. As much as Asa doesn't deserve me, I'm still ashamed that I'm only with him because he helps me. It's embarrassing to admit the truth to someone.
Lunch with him today seems like it was a world away from right now. So much has happened between this morning and this moment. He looks different now. Not the playful Carter he was in class this morning. Not the apologetic Carter he was after our lunch today.
Right now he just looks...I don't know...like a different person altogether. Almost as if he's been pretending to be someone he's not and this is the first time he's looking at me with truth behind his eyes.
He glances away for a second and I see the slow roll of his throat as he swallows and then speaks. "I respect what you're doing for your brother, Sloan," he says. "But what good are you going to be to him if you end up dead? That house isn't safe for you. Asa isn't safe for you."
