Ignoring Nix, Xander says, “Ellie Bryce, meet my brother, River, in the flesh. At least now you can see he actually does exist.”
She extends her finely manicured hand over the bar and River moves beside me to shake it. When she speaks, her voice is confident and strong, “Sorry for the intrusion, but I do need your input and Xander insisted we come over.”
River responds as he releases her hand, “Nice to meet you. I’m sorry I haven’t made any of your meetings, but now actually isn’t the best time.”
Xander shoots River a look. “No time seems to be the best time for you, so let’s say we do it now.”
River tenses. I wrap my arm around his waist and look up at him. “Hey, I’ve got stuff I can do, we can finish talking later.”
Ellie reaches over to me and her silver bangles jingle as we shake hands. “You must be Dahlia. It’s a pleasure.”
“Hi. Nice to meet you.” Then I become aware as I look at her that I have no underwear on under River’s T-shirt. River is also only half dressed, which is evident when her eyes seem to linger a little too long on him.
He leans over and whispers in my ear, “You sure?”
I nod and tuck my hand in the waistband of his jeans.
River looks at Ellie and says, “Since Xander is insisting, what’s so urgent?”
“Everything has to be marked urgent with you, otherwise we can’t get your attention,” Xander retorts.
“We need to firm up some details for each tour stop and make arrangements for the venues,” Ellie responds cheerfully, ignoring Xander’s comment.
Xander takes a step toward the bar and pulls a stool out for Ellie. His eyes flash toward us and hastily away when he notices my clothing, or lack thereof. Smirking, he mumbles, “Guess we caught you at a bad time.”
Unresponsive, River moves to stand in front of me as Garrett walks into the kitchen behind us. River twists his head and shoots him a look.
Garrett averts his eyes immediately. “Oh, sorry man. I didn’t realize . . .” Cutting himself off he points to the pot on the counter and says, “Nix wants coffee, but I can make it later. Right now I’ll make like a busboy and get the fork out of here.” With that he promptly turns and leaves the kitchen and I start laughing at him.
Looking back toward Xander, River tries to control his laughter as he says, “Why don’t you take everyone out back?”
“Yeah, sure. No problem,” he says but he doesn’t move, he just continues to stare.
Back in the living room, Garrett slaps Nix on the knee and tells Ellie to follow him as he walks toward the glass doors.
Xander stays put until everyone has left the room, then running his eyes over River’s bare chest he says, “Bro, it’s almost eleven on a workday, you two really need to get over the whole rabbits-and– honeymoon phase and join the real world.”
“Fuck off.”
Xander feigns offense and puts his palm on his chest. Then gesturing to me he quotes the line River used to say to the guys before he became comfortable swearing in front of me. “Language, man, language.”
River reaches his arm back around me and pulls the hem of my shirt down.
Xander continues to laugh as he walks toward the doors and exits to the patio. “Hurry up and get dressed. It’s rude to keep everyone waiting.”
River and I head to the bedroom. He grabs a shirt and as he’s slipping it on he says, “Hopefully this won’t take too long.” When he kisses me and turns toward the door, I grab his arm. “Hey, what were you going to say before Xander came in?”
He pauses a brief second, then kisses me again. “That I love you.”
“River, I know something else is going on. What is it? Just tell me.”
“It’s nothing, really. I just think all of this tour shit is getting to me.” Both his voice and his eyes waver and I’m not convinced that’s really what he was going to tell me.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Maybe later. Let me go take care of the latest issues before Xander loses it.”
I offer him a reassuring smile before he turns back around and walks toward the door. As he disappears I can’t help but hope that the actual tour goes better than the planning of it—for everyone’s sake.
In the shower I decide I should probably get a new phone today. On the way out of the bathroom, I glance at all the pictures on my dresser and my eyes stop on the one of Grace and me at my graduation. I have to talk to her today. Using the house phone, I call her and make plans to meet her in Laguna for lunch.
Once I pull my jeans on, throw my Madonna T-shirt over my head, and grab my black sweater, I put my tall black boots on and head for the kitchen. Glancing outside, I can see everyone is deep in conversation, except River. He’s hunched over, scrubbing the palms of his hands over his eyes. Even though I know he’s going on tour out of obligation, agreeing to it may not have been the best choice for him or the band.
There’s a knock at the front door and I am surprised to see Caleb standing there. “Hey, come on in.”
He steps in. “Hi, how are you?”
I give him a small smile, but don’t answer. I’m not really sure how I am. I feel like I have a million questions to ask him, but don’t want to get into it yet. He knew all about Ben—no, he didn’t only know about Ben, he helped Ben. I feel resentment toward him and a little bitterness as well. I think he senses it.
He drops his head and looks anywhere but at me. “I just have to check on one of the circuits for the security system. The motion sensors seem to be failing and I think I need to replace the board.”
“Oh okay, sure.” Then pointing over my shoulder I say, “You know the way downstairs.”
“It shouldn’t take too long.”
“Caleb, it’s fine.”
“Hey Dahlia. I’m sorry about everything. I never wanted you to get hurt.”
I hear the glass doors open and I turn around. River walks in the room and Caleb looks up, startled—but quickly composes himself. “Hey River, sorry to intrude, I tried to call.”
Walking over to us, River extends his hand and Caleb reciprocates. “Hey man, it’s fine, what’s up?”
“I think I know why the alarm system keeps tripping. I need to check a board. I think it might be faulty.”
“No problem.” River nods his head toward the stairs that lead to the security hub downstairs. “You need help?”
“No, I got it. It’ll just take a minute.” Caleb heads downstairs.
Looking over at River I can see he’s stressing out. “Everything okay?”
He runs his hands through my hair. “Yeah, everything is fine.”
Fighting back the urge to kiss him, distract him to take away his stress, I take his face in my hands. “They didn’t look fine.”
“We’re just going through a list of details for each stop. Boring shit, really. You can join us if you want?”
“Ummm . . . I’ll pass on the boring conversations, but thanks anyway.”
Laughing a little he says, “I don’t blame you, I wish I would have passed.”
I shake my head at him. “You sure about this?”
His arms frame either side of me and he presses me up against the wall. He drags his tongue over his bottom lip and drops his head to my neck. “Sure about going back out there? No.”
I push him back. “I mean the tour.”
“I really don’t want to talk about the tour,” he says before his tongue finds mine and we both momentarily forget what we were talking about.
I hear Caleb clear his throat before saying, “Sorry to interrupt.”
We both turn our heads and River stands up straight. “What’d you find?”
“Like I thought, I have to order a new board. It should be here tomorrow,” he tells us as he walks past us and reaches for the doorknob.
River nods and says, “Thanks man.”
“No problem. I’ll call you when it comes in.” Caleb closes the door behind him.
Feeling relieved that all went well, but sad that Caleb and I seemed so distant, I tell River my plans for the day. “I’m going to go get a new phone and meet Grace for lunch.”
He looks at me intently. “Do you want me to come with you?”
“No, it’s fine and besides,” I say motioning outside, “you’re in the middle of a meeting.”
With a glance over to the group huddled around our patio table he says, “That’s not important. I can bag out if you need me.”
Taking his face in my hands and looking into his eyes I say, “I think I need to talk to Grace on my own.” There’s a long pause before I remind him, “But I always need you.”
***
I arrive at Aestas’s first and the hostess shows me to a table. Sipping my water, I wait nervously for Grace. The restaurant is busy and people are animatedly talking around me. Playing with my new phone, I assign River his old ringtone, “Sexy Back.” Then I send him a quick text.
Dahlia: Just wanted to tell you I have my new phone in case you want to tell me how much you miss me :)
River: I always miss you and I was just thinking about you.
Dahlia: What were you thinking about?
River: The way you looked walking out the door in those boots.
Dahlia: You’re in a meeting, why are you thinking about my boots?
River: Because I’m bored as hell and trust me, it’s not only the boots I’m thinking about.
Just as I’m about to text River back, telling him that I’d be happy to entertain him during his boredom, I feel a hand on my shoulder. “Dahlia, honey,” Grace says, standing over me, and I drop my phone in my purse before standing up to greet her.
Looking down into her face, I see she looks older, worn, even. Her natural glow seems to have dissipated. Her usually tidy blond hair is disheveled. Her blue eyes look dull and there are dark circles under them. The tranquility I usually feel when I see her just isn’t there. When I hug her, her body is shaking.
Clinging to her, I hope to calm her trembling. “Oh Grace,” is all I can manage before she pulls back. Her voice is shaky and I can see that this has really taken a toll on her. “Let’s sit down and talk.”
We both settle in at the small table draped in white linen and place our napkins on our laps. I don’t even know how to begin this conversation. But Grace, being true to form, leads the way.
“Dahlia, how are you holding up?”
I shrug my shoulders, “I’m okay.”
“I’m glad you called me.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner. I just needed some time.”
Grace looks at me for a few moments and then asks point-blank, “Aren’t you glad Ben’s alive?”
Taken aback, I stammer. That’s the one question I had yet to even ask myself. “God, of course I am.” Because it’s true, of course I’m glad he’s alive and not dead. Who wouldn’t be?
Her next question comes rapidly and I try to remain calm. “Then is it because of the way we told you? I’m sorry for that, that was not how I wanted you to find out.”
“Grace, I’m not upset about how I learned that Ben’s really alive. I get that there was no easy way.”
“Then is it because of the attack? I am so grateful that you’re okay, but you have to know he had no idea you’d be in danger.”
“No, I was only upset that all of you knew and none of you told me who attacked me.”
“Dahlia, that was for your sake. I wanted to be there when flashes of Ben’s death would inevitably come flooding back to you. Hearing the news that Ben’s shooter was released was so upsetting, but then learning it was him that attacked you would have been overwhelming. I just wanted to be with you, to tell you myself.”
“Grace, I’m stronger now. I’m not that same girl you gave the necklace to—the girl who needed to hold on to the past. I don’t like things to be hidden from me; it wasn’t your decision to make to withhold that information. But honestly, all of that has nothing to do with Ben.”
“I thought I was doing what was best for you.”
“I know that. And Grace, I’m not upset at you for it anymore.”
“So I’m confused, Dahlia. Why won’t you forgive him? Talk to him again?”
Before I can answer, the waiter approaches our table and I order an extra dirty martini and Grace orders a sparkling water. When he leaves I pick up where we left off. “The word forgive means something different to each of us and we each chose whether we can do it or not. I did hear him out and once he started to explain everything it only made me angrier. I just don’t think talking to him again will change anything. It won’t make me forget what I went through—or help me forgive him. It would be like saying I’m okay with what I went through because of him and I’m not okay with that. I don’t know if I ever will be.”
Leaning closer, she squeezes my hand. “I’m not sure about that, Dahlia. I think if you just calmly sit down with him and really listen, you could try to understand why he left. He left to protect you—and if you can understand that, you’d be able to forgive him.”
“I’m sorry, but I’ve really had enough with everyone always wanting to protect me. And how is causing me so much pain and suffering protecting me? Grace, I’m not mad at the fact that he didn’t actually die. I just can’t forgive the act itself—pretending to die.”
Grace reacts more dramatically than I would ever have expected. “Dahlia, you just have to get past this wall you’ve put up and let him in. Forgive him. He gave up a lot for you! Surfing and now his life.”
She extends her finely manicured hand over the bar and River moves beside me to shake it. When she speaks, her voice is confident and strong, “Sorry for the intrusion, but I do need your input and Xander insisted we come over.”
River responds as he releases her hand, “Nice to meet you. I’m sorry I haven’t made any of your meetings, but now actually isn’t the best time.”
Xander shoots River a look. “No time seems to be the best time for you, so let’s say we do it now.”
River tenses. I wrap my arm around his waist and look up at him. “Hey, I’ve got stuff I can do, we can finish talking later.”
Ellie reaches over to me and her silver bangles jingle as we shake hands. “You must be Dahlia. It’s a pleasure.”
“Hi. Nice to meet you.” Then I become aware as I look at her that I have no underwear on under River’s T-shirt. River is also only half dressed, which is evident when her eyes seem to linger a little too long on him.
He leans over and whispers in my ear, “You sure?”
I nod and tuck my hand in the waistband of his jeans.
River looks at Ellie and says, “Since Xander is insisting, what’s so urgent?”
“Everything has to be marked urgent with you, otherwise we can’t get your attention,” Xander retorts.
“We need to firm up some details for each tour stop and make arrangements for the venues,” Ellie responds cheerfully, ignoring Xander’s comment.
Xander takes a step toward the bar and pulls a stool out for Ellie. His eyes flash toward us and hastily away when he notices my clothing, or lack thereof. Smirking, he mumbles, “Guess we caught you at a bad time.”
Unresponsive, River moves to stand in front of me as Garrett walks into the kitchen behind us. River twists his head and shoots him a look.
Garrett averts his eyes immediately. “Oh, sorry man. I didn’t realize . . .” Cutting himself off he points to the pot on the counter and says, “Nix wants coffee, but I can make it later. Right now I’ll make like a busboy and get the fork out of here.” With that he promptly turns and leaves the kitchen and I start laughing at him.
Looking back toward Xander, River tries to control his laughter as he says, “Why don’t you take everyone out back?”
“Yeah, sure. No problem,” he says but he doesn’t move, he just continues to stare.
Back in the living room, Garrett slaps Nix on the knee and tells Ellie to follow him as he walks toward the glass doors.
Xander stays put until everyone has left the room, then running his eyes over River’s bare chest he says, “Bro, it’s almost eleven on a workday, you two really need to get over the whole rabbits-and– honeymoon phase and join the real world.”
“Fuck off.”
Xander feigns offense and puts his palm on his chest. Then gesturing to me he quotes the line River used to say to the guys before he became comfortable swearing in front of me. “Language, man, language.”
River reaches his arm back around me and pulls the hem of my shirt down.
Xander continues to laugh as he walks toward the doors and exits to the patio. “Hurry up and get dressed. It’s rude to keep everyone waiting.”
River and I head to the bedroom. He grabs a shirt and as he’s slipping it on he says, “Hopefully this won’t take too long.” When he kisses me and turns toward the door, I grab his arm. “Hey, what were you going to say before Xander came in?”
He pauses a brief second, then kisses me again. “That I love you.”
“River, I know something else is going on. What is it? Just tell me.”
“It’s nothing, really. I just think all of this tour shit is getting to me.” Both his voice and his eyes waver and I’m not convinced that’s really what he was going to tell me.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Maybe later. Let me go take care of the latest issues before Xander loses it.”
I offer him a reassuring smile before he turns back around and walks toward the door. As he disappears I can’t help but hope that the actual tour goes better than the planning of it—for everyone’s sake.
In the shower I decide I should probably get a new phone today. On the way out of the bathroom, I glance at all the pictures on my dresser and my eyes stop on the one of Grace and me at my graduation. I have to talk to her today. Using the house phone, I call her and make plans to meet her in Laguna for lunch.
Once I pull my jeans on, throw my Madonna T-shirt over my head, and grab my black sweater, I put my tall black boots on and head for the kitchen. Glancing outside, I can see everyone is deep in conversation, except River. He’s hunched over, scrubbing the palms of his hands over his eyes. Even though I know he’s going on tour out of obligation, agreeing to it may not have been the best choice for him or the band.
There’s a knock at the front door and I am surprised to see Caleb standing there. “Hey, come on in.”
He steps in. “Hi, how are you?”
I give him a small smile, but don’t answer. I’m not really sure how I am. I feel like I have a million questions to ask him, but don’t want to get into it yet. He knew all about Ben—no, he didn’t only know about Ben, he helped Ben. I feel resentment toward him and a little bitterness as well. I think he senses it.
He drops his head and looks anywhere but at me. “I just have to check on one of the circuits for the security system. The motion sensors seem to be failing and I think I need to replace the board.”
“Oh okay, sure.” Then pointing over my shoulder I say, “You know the way downstairs.”
“It shouldn’t take too long.”
“Caleb, it’s fine.”
“Hey Dahlia. I’m sorry about everything. I never wanted you to get hurt.”
I hear the glass doors open and I turn around. River walks in the room and Caleb looks up, startled—but quickly composes himself. “Hey River, sorry to intrude, I tried to call.”
Walking over to us, River extends his hand and Caleb reciprocates. “Hey man, it’s fine, what’s up?”
“I think I know why the alarm system keeps tripping. I need to check a board. I think it might be faulty.”
“No problem.” River nods his head toward the stairs that lead to the security hub downstairs. “You need help?”
“No, I got it. It’ll just take a minute.” Caleb heads downstairs.
Looking over at River I can see he’s stressing out. “Everything okay?”
He runs his hands through my hair. “Yeah, everything is fine.”
Fighting back the urge to kiss him, distract him to take away his stress, I take his face in my hands. “They didn’t look fine.”
“We’re just going through a list of details for each stop. Boring shit, really. You can join us if you want?”
“Ummm . . . I’ll pass on the boring conversations, but thanks anyway.”
Laughing a little he says, “I don’t blame you, I wish I would have passed.”
I shake my head at him. “You sure about this?”
His arms frame either side of me and he presses me up against the wall. He drags his tongue over his bottom lip and drops his head to my neck. “Sure about going back out there? No.”
I push him back. “I mean the tour.”
“I really don’t want to talk about the tour,” he says before his tongue finds mine and we both momentarily forget what we were talking about.
I hear Caleb clear his throat before saying, “Sorry to interrupt.”
We both turn our heads and River stands up straight. “What’d you find?”
“Like I thought, I have to order a new board. It should be here tomorrow,” he tells us as he walks past us and reaches for the doorknob.
River nods and says, “Thanks man.”
“No problem. I’ll call you when it comes in.” Caleb closes the door behind him.
Feeling relieved that all went well, but sad that Caleb and I seemed so distant, I tell River my plans for the day. “I’m going to go get a new phone and meet Grace for lunch.”
He looks at me intently. “Do you want me to come with you?”
“No, it’s fine and besides,” I say motioning outside, “you’re in the middle of a meeting.”
With a glance over to the group huddled around our patio table he says, “That’s not important. I can bag out if you need me.”
Taking his face in my hands and looking into his eyes I say, “I think I need to talk to Grace on my own.” There’s a long pause before I remind him, “But I always need you.”
***
I arrive at Aestas’s first and the hostess shows me to a table. Sipping my water, I wait nervously for Grace. The restaurant is busy and people are animatedly talking around me. Playing with my new phone, I assign River his old ringtone, “Sexy Back.” Then I send him a quick text.
Dahlia: Just wanted to tell you I have my new phone in case you want to tell me how much you miss me :)
River: I always miss you and I was just thinking about you.
Dahlia: What were you thinking about?
River: The way you looked walking out the door in those boots.
Dahlia: You’re in a meeting, why are you thinking about my boots?
River: Because I’m bored as hell and trust me, it’s not only the boots I’m thinking about.
Just as I’m about to text River back, telling him that I’d be happy to entertain him during his boredom, I feel a hand on my shoulder. “Dahlia, honey,” Grace says, standing over me, and I drop my phone in my purse before standing up to greet her.
Looking down into her face, I see she looks older, worn, even. Her natural glow seems to have dissipated. Her usually tidy blond hair is disheveled. Her blue eyes look dull and there are dark circles under them. The tranquility I usually feel when I see her just isn’t there. When I hug her, her body is shaking.
Clinging to her, I hope to calm her trembling. “Oh Grace,” is all I can manage before she pulls back. Her voice is shaky and I can see that this has really taken a toll on her. “Let’s sit down and talk.”
We both settle in at the small table draped in white linen and place our napkins on our laps. I don’t even know how to begin this conversation. But Grace, being true to form, leads the way.
“Dahlia, how are you holding up?”
I shrug my shoulders, “I’m okay.”
“I’m glad you called me.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner. I just needed some time.”
Grace looks at me for a few moments and then asks point-blank, “Aren’t you glad Ben’s alive?”
Taken aback, I stammer. That’s the one question I had yet to even ask myself. “God, of course I am.” Because it’s true, of course I’m glad he’s alive and not dead. Who wouldn’t be?
Her next question comes rapidly and I try to remain calm. “Then is it because of the way we told you? I’m sorry for that, that was not how I wanted you to find out.”
“Grace, I’m not upset about how I learned that Ben’s really alive. I get that there was no easy way.”
“Then is it because of the attack? I am so grateful that you’re okay, but you have to know he had no idea you’d be in danger.”
“No, I was only upset that all of you knew and none of you told me who attacked me.”
“Dahlia, that was for your sake. I wanted to be there when flashes of Ben’s death would inevitably come flooding back to you. Hearing the news that Ben’s shooter was released was so upsetting, but then learning it was him that attacked you would have been overwhelming. I just wanted to be with you, to tell you myself.”
“Grace, I’m stronger now. I’m not that same girl you gave the necklace to—the girl who needed to hold on to the past. I don’t like things to be hidden from me; it wasn’t your decision to make to withhold that information. But honestly, all of that has nothing to do with Ben.”
“I thought I was doing what was best for you.”
“I know that. And Grace, I’m not upset at you for it anymore.”
“So I’m confused, Dahlia. Why won’t you forgive him? Talk to him again?”
Before I can answer, the waiter approaches our table and I order an extra dirty martini and Grace orders a sparkling water. When he leaves I pick up where we left off. “The word forgive means something different to each of us and we each chose whether we can do it or not. I did hear him out and once he started to explain everything it only made me angrier. I just don’t think talking to him again will change anything. It won’t make me forget what I went through—or help me forgive him. It would be like saying I’m okay with what I went through because of him and I’m not okay with that. I don’t know if I ever will be.”
Leaning closer, she squeezes my hand. “I’m not sure about that, Dahlia. I think if you just calmly sit down with him and really listen, you could try to understand why he left. He left to protect you—and if you can understand that, you’d be able to forgive him.”
“I’m sorry, but I’ve really had enough with everyone always wanting to protect me. And how is causing me so much pain and suffering protecting me? Grace, I’m not mad at the fact that he didn’t actually die. I just can’t forgive the act itself—pretending to die.”
Grace reacts more dramatically than I would ever have expected. “Dahlia, you just have to get past this wall you’ve put up and let him in. Forgive him. He gave up a lot for you! Surfing and now his life.”
