Troubles and Treats
Page 16

“He is a psychiatrist, not a psychiatric person. He’s not crazy; he helps crazy people. It sounds like Drew should be his patient,” Liz deadpans.
“He was listening to a self-help CD. Did I tell you that part? It was called: How to Bring the Spark Back to Your Marriage. We’ve lost our spark,” I sob.
“I love you, but don’t cry. I will punch you in the face if you cry. I don’t do criers. You have not lost your spark. It’s just…temporarily on vacation,” she explains as she unpacks the box.
“Why the hell did it go on vacation? I never said it could go on vacation! I need my spark, Liz. You don’t understand. I need my spark to live!” I wail.
“It sounded to me like you found quite the spark at the vibrator race,” Liz laughs. “You got a standing ovation during the awards ceremony. People have been asking me where they can buy the video.”
“Well, we’re already under contract with the company we entered the home movie contest with so I’d have to check with them and see. It might be a conflict of incest,” I tell her.
“Jenny. For the love of God, think before you speak. Just say what you want to say in your head first before you open your mouth,” Liz tells me seriously.
“What? Incest means that you’re related, right? Drew and I are related.”
Liz stops unpacking the box and stares at me in horror.
“What. The. Fuck?”
I roll my eyes at her and take the package of Jack Rabbits out of her hand. “Um, hello? We’re husband and wife. So we’re related. And you think I’m dumb.”
Liz puts her head in her hands and whimpers to herself. I lean over and pat her on the back in sympathy. “It’s okay, things confuse me sometimes too.”
“What should I do, Liz? I tried the faking it thing, and I thought that worked, but the next two times I suggested doing it again he said no. He actually turned me down! He says he misses my va**na but I think he’s lying. I used to have such an awesome vagina. What if it’s not awesome anymore? I need a second opinion. Liz, look at my vagina.”
Liz stands up from the box and starts backing away.
“Take it back,” she states.
“No, really, I think this is what I need. I need someone who will be honest with me. Look at my vagina,” I tell her as I start unbuttoning my jeans.
Liz throws her hands up in the air and bumps into a shelf against the wall, vibrators and lube falling to the ground. “Back away, Jenny. Just back away and no one will get hurt.”
I get my pants unzipped and push them down to the middle of my thighs.
Good thing I wore my good underwear today.
“Just one look, that’s all I’m asking. Just look at my va**na and tell me if it still looks okay or if it’s a hot mess,” I plead.
“Oh my God, my eyes, MY EYES!” Liz yells, covering her face with her hands.
“Liz, LOOK AT MY VAGINA!” I shout as I hobble closer to her and my jeans slide down to my knees. “I AM NOT LEAVING HERE UNTIL YOU LOOK AT MY VAGINA!”
I hear a gasp and turn around to see Jim standing in the doorway staring at us. I put my hands on my h*ps and glare at him. “Move along, Jim. There’s nothing to see here.”
He shakes his head back and forth, his eyes never blinking as he looks from me to Liz and then back again.
“I’ve dreamed of this moment,” he whispers. “I’ve prayed, I’ve wished on stars, I’ve wished on pennies in wishing wells…my prayers have been answered. God is good.”
Liz huffs and walks around behind me, grabbing onto my jeans and yanking them back up over my ass.
“Nooooooo,” Jim whimpers. “They’re supposed to go the other way.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake, close your mouth. Turn around, walk out of this room right now, and never speak of this again,” Liz warns him as I button and zip my jeans.
“My dreams…shattering right before my eyes,” Jim says with a sad sigh as he turns and leaves.
Liz comes around in front of me and grabs my shoulders. “You are fine, your va**na is fine, and you are going to forget all about this shit and come with me and Claire to the Blossom Music Festival this weekend.”
I start to shake my head ‘No’ and she puts her hand over my mouth when I open it to protest. “You are coming with us. End of story. We’ll have a girl’s night, drink a lot of beer, listen to '80s cover bands and find your spark. I’m sure it will be at the bottom of the third cup of beer. And if you ever ask me to look at your va**na again, I will punch you in the uterus.”
~
“Pretty please? Say it again. Just one more time!” Claire tells the woman we just met standing in line for beer.
The woman laughs and says, “Put another shrimp on the Barbie!”
Liz, Claire, and I laugh hysterically and jump up and down with excitement. I’m not really sure if it’s the beer that makes this funny or if it really is funny. The woman in front of us is from Australia and we’ve spent our fifteen minutes in line getting her to say Australian things.
“Okay, okay, I’ve got one. Say, ‘Fosters. Australian for beer,’” Claire says with a snort.
The woman laughs and does as she’s asked without complaint.
“Oh my God I love you! You are our new best friend!” Claire tells her.
“Oooh, my turn!” I say excitedly as I finally think of something for her to say. “Say, ‘Sucky, sucky, five dolla. Me love you long time!’”
Everyone just looks at me funny. “What?”
“That’s not Australian, dumbass. I don’t even know what the f**k that is!” Liz says with a laugh.
We order our beers and make our way over to the smoking section just outside of the fence to go back into the concert. We’ve spent the majority of the concert out here drinking instead of trying to navigate through the crowd to get to our seats inside. Since the music is so loud, we can hear it just fine out here anyway.
“HEY!” I yell to a group of guys walking by our picnic table. “LOOK AT MY VAGINA!”
Claire smacks my hand down from making a ‘V’ with two of my fingers. “What the hell are you doing?!”
I scope out the crowd for more people who look willing and able.
“VAGINA!” I shout to a couple walking hand-in-hand to the table next to us. They immediately turn and head in another direction.
“Oh sweet Jesus, she’s lost her mind,” I hear Liz tell Claire. “She thinks something is wrong with her vagina. She tried to get me to look at it the other day.”
There’s a guy all by himself two tables over. I bet he’d appreciate the vagina. This beer is delicious.
“Wait, is that why Jim called Carter and was screaming about his dreams dying and how he never gets what he wants? Carter could barely understand a word he was saying.”
I take a big gulp of my drink and slam the cup down on top of the table.
“HEY! VAGINA!” I yell to the guy by himself at the other table.
He looks at me strangely for a minute and then replies, “Uh, penis?”
“WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!” I cheer, jumping up out of my seat and attempting to do the running man. It doesn’t go so well and I fall flat on my ass.
“Who put the ground so f**king close to my ASS?!” I yell.
“Okay, I think she’s cut off,” Claire says as she gets up from the table and pulls me up by my arms.
“Claire, will you look at my vagina?” I ask her as I put my head on her shoulder.
“What is the deal with you and vagina? Is this your new favorite word or something?” Claire asks as she helps me back to the table.
“Ass fuck, I told you. She thinks something is wrong with her va**na and that’s why she and Drew aren’t ha**g s*x or some shit like that,” Liz explains as I move my head from Claire’s shoulder and rest it on top of the table.
“When was the last time you guys had sex?” Claire asks.
“Um, what day is it today?”
“It’s Saturday,” Claire answers.
“Last year.”
Liz grabs the back of my shirt and yanks me up. “The f**k you say?”
I grab my beer and take another drink.
“Well, if we’re talking really good, awesome sex then yes. Before the New Year when I was pregnant with Billy.”
Liz lets out a sigh of relief. “Okay, you had me scared there. I thought you meant an actual year. So we’re just talking a few months then. That’s not THAT big of a deal.”
I stare at her in horror for a few minutes.
“Are you out of your f**king mind? A few months? That’s like ten years in human years,” I complain.
“Actually, that’s like a few months in human years, moron. It would be ten years in dog years,” Liz informs me.
“What the f**k ever! And you were right the first time. It really has been a full year. Since before I got pregnant with Billy. We used to do it like dogs. All dirty and rolling around in the grass and eating out of bowls and using leashes. It was hot,” I say with a sigh as I reminisce.
“This beer is coming right back up. I can feel it,” Claire complains.
“It only got weird that one time Drew lifted his leg in the living room. But it was still awesome. SO WHO WANTS TO LOOK AT MY VAGINA?!”
A bunch of guys walking by all start cheering. One guy even yells back, “Vagina, long live and prosper!”
Liz pulls my arms down to my sides and shushes me from yelling at the group of guys.
“You’re serious, aren’t you? It’s been a whole f**king year?” she asks in shock.
I just nod my head sadly.
“You know what you and Drew need? You two need a night out alone, just the two of you without any kids. When was the last time you guys went out on a date?” Claire asks.
“What day is it?” I ask her.
“It’s still Saturday, asshat.”
I nod and start counting in my head. “Saturday? Then…last year.”
“Oh my fuck! You guys haven’t been out on a date since before Billy was born either? Isn’t he like five months old?” Liz asks.
“No! He’s a month old. Wait, no. Three months old. Shit, what day is it?”
“SATURDAY!” Claire and Liz yell at the same time. The guy sitting by himself at the next table yells back, “VAGINA!”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MY VAGINA, YOU PERVERT!” I shout back to him.
I turn back around and face the girls. “Okay, so Billy is something like four months old or some shit. It’s Wednesday, right?”
I think my beer has something funny in it. I feel funny. Funny is a funny word.
“Oh sweet mother of fucks,” Liz says with a sigh. “So you and Drew haven’t been on a date in months. You haven’t done anything, just the two of you, in months. Is that correct?”
I nod my head and pick up my cup to find my beer gone.
“Who the f**k drank my beer?”
Liz takes the empty cup out of my hand and chucks it into the garbage can next to our table.
“I need a cigarette. WHO’S GOT A CIGARETTE?!” I scream at the top of my lungs.
Don’t judge me. Sometimes I get the urge to smoke when I drink. I think I read somewhere that alcohol causes you to want to do things you shouldn’t, like rob a bank or kill a hooker. Wait, no. I think that’s crack.
“Oh Jesus, do NOT let her smoke,” Liz mutters to Claire.
“You can’t tell me what to do if you won’t even look at my VAGINA!” I complain.
“YAY VAGINA!” some guy yells as he walks by our table.
“WOOOOHOOO VAGINA!” I shout back. “Hey, stud! Give me a cigarette!”
The very nice gentleman stops and runs back to our table and hands me a cigarette, lighting it for me since I probably shouldn’t be in charge of anything that can set things on fire at this moment.
I inhale and immediately start coughing and dry heaving.
“Fuck, she’s going to puke,” Liz complains. “Take her mind off of it.”
Claire pats me on the back and takes the cigarette out of my hand, tossing it over into the grass a few feet away.
“Okay, here’s the deal, Jenny. Next weekend, you and Drew are going out together alone. Carter and I will take Veronica and Billy so you guys can go to dinner and do whatever. If you guys are in the groove and you don’t want to stop to call me, we’ll just keep them overnight,” Claire tells me as she and Liz help me up from the table.
“I love you, Claire Bear. You’re the best ever,” I tell her as I wrap my arms around her waist and put my head on her shoulder.
“I love you too, but I’m still not looking at your vagina.”
Chapter 17 - Jackson
“No, Veronica, you are not having candy for lunch,” I tell my daughter for the third time as I help her out of the car and then race around to the other side to unstrap Billy from his car seat before he starts screaming his head off.
“Mommy?”
“Yes, sweetie?”
“I WANNA BEAT YOU UP WIGHT NOW!” she yells in the middle of the driveway while stomping her feet.
Canada, take me away…wait, Canada? Is that right? Why would I want Canada to take me away? They really need to rethink that commercial.
I ignore Veronica’s temper tantrum over not having candy for lunch while I try to shush Billy who just woke up from the car ride and is not a happy camper. He’s screaming in my ear and smacking me with his little fists, Veronica is screaming by my leg, and I’m trying to pretend neither one of them exist as I reach into the backseat of the car and grab my purse, diaper bag, and the four bags of groceries I just picked up on the way home.