I shrug out of Ians grasp and bring my hand up to my lip. I pull my fingers back, and theyre tinged with blood.
How about now? Ian says, hopeful. You gonna go after her now?
I glare at him before turning to stalk off to my bedroom.
Ian laughs loudly. Its the kind of laugh that says, Youre a goddamn idiot. Only he already said that, so hes kind of just repeating himself.
He follows me to my bedroom.
Im really not in the mood for this conversation. Good thing I know how to look at people without actually seeing them.
I take a seat on my bed, and he walks into my room and leans against the door. Im tired of this, Miles. Six f**king years Ive watched this zombie walk around in your place.
Im not a zombie, I say flatly. Zombies cant fly.
Ian rolls his eyes, obviously not in the mood for jokes. Good thing, because Im not really in the mood to make them.
He continues to glare at me, so I pick up my phone and lie back on the bed in order to pretend he isnt here.
Shes the first thing to breathe life back into you since the night you drowned in that f**king lake.
Ill hurt him. If he doesnt leave right this second, Ill f**king hurt him.
Get out.
No.
I look at him. I see him. Get the hell out, Ian.
He walks to my desk, pulls out the chair, and sits in it. Fuck you, Miles, he says. Im not finished.
Get out!
No!
I stop fighting him. I get up and walk out myself.
He follows me. Let me ask you one question, he says, trailing me into the living room.
And then youll get out?
He nods. And then Ill get out.
Fine.
He regards me silently for a few moments.
I patiently wait for his question so he can leave before I hurt him.
What if someone told you they could erase that entire night from your memory, but in doing so, they also have to erase every single good thing. All the moments with Rachel. Every word, every kiss, every I love you. Every moment you had with your son, no matter how brief. The first moment you saw Rachel holding him. The first moment you held him. The first time you heard him cry or watched him sleep. All of it. Gone. Forever. If someone told you they could get rid of the ugly stuff, but youd lose all the other stuff, too … would you do it?
He thinks hes asking me something Ive never asked myself before. Does he think I dont sit and wonder about this stuff every f**king day of my life?
You didnt say I had to answer your question. You just asked if you could ask it. You can leave now.
Im the worst kind of person.
You cant answer it, he says. You cant say yes.
I also cant say no, I tell him. Congratulations, Ian. You stumped me. Goodbye.
I begin to walk back to my room, but he says my name again. I stop and put my hands on my h*ps and drop my head. Why wont he stop with it, already? Its been six damn years. He should know that night made me who I am now. He should know Im not changing.
If I would have asked you that a few months ago, you would have said yes before the question even left my mouth, he says. Your answer has always been yes. You would have given up anything to not have to relive that night.
I turn around, and hes heading toward the door. He opens it, then pauses and faces me again. If being with Tate for a few short months can make that pain bearable enough for you to answer with maybe, imagine what a lifetime with her could do for you.
He closes the door.
I close my eyes.
Something happens. Something inside me. Its as if his words have created an avalanche out of the glacier surrounding my heart. I feel chunks of hardened ice break off and fall next to all the other pieces that have detached since the moment I met Tate.
I step off the elevator and walk over to the empty chair next to Cap. He doesnt even acknowledge my presence with eye contact. Hes staring across the lobby toward the exit.
You just let her go, he says, not even attempting to hide the disappointment in his voice.
I dont respond.
He pushes on the arms of his chair with his hands, repositioning himself. Some people … they grow wiser as they grow older. Unfortunately, most people just grow older. He turns to face me. Youre one of the ones just been growing older, because you are as stupid as you were the day you were born.
Cap knows me well enough to know this is what had to happen. Hes known me all my life; having worked maintenance on my fathers apartment buildings since before I was born. Before that, he worked for my grandfather doing the same thing. This pretty much guarantees he knows more about me and my family than even I do. It had to happen, Cap, I say, excusing the fact that I let the only girl who has been able to reach me in more than six years just walk away.
Had to happen, huh? he grumbles.
As long as Ive known him and as many nights as Ive spent down here talking to him, hes never once given me an opinion about the decisions Ive made for myself. He knows the life I chose after Rachel. He spouts off tidbits of wisdom here and there but never his opinion. Hes listened to me vent about the situation with Tate for months, and he always sits quietly, patiently hearing me out, never giving me advice. Thats what I like about him.
I feel thats all about to change.
Before you give me a lecture, Cap, I say, interrupting him before he has the chance to continue. You know shes better off. I turn and face him. You know she is.
Cap chuckles, nodding his head. Thats for damn sure.
I look at him disbelievingly. Did he just agree with me?
Are you saying I made the right choice?
Hes quiet for a second before blowing out a quick breath. His expression contorts as if his thoughts arent something he necessarily wants to share. He relaxes into his chair and folds his arms loosely over his chest. I told myself to never get involved in your problems, boy, because in order for a man to give advice, hed better know what the hell hes talkin about. And Lord knows in all my eighty years, I aint never been through nothing like what you went through. I dont know the first thing about what that was like or what that did to you. Just thinking bout that night makes my gut hurt, so I know you feel it in your gut, too. And your heart. And your bones. And your soul.
I close my eyes, wishing I could close my ears instead. I dont want to hear this.
None of the people in your life knows what it feels like to be you. Not me. Not your father. Not those friends of yours. Not even Tate. Theres only one person who feels what you feel. Only one person who hurts like you hurt. Only one other parent to that baby boy who misses him the same way you do.
My eyes are closed tightly now, and Im doing all I can to respect his end of the conversation, but its taking all I have not to get up and walk away. He has no right bringing Rachel into this conversation.
Miles, he says quietly. Theres determination in his voice, like he needs me to take him seriously. I always do. You believe you took away that girls chance at happiness, and until you confront that past, you wont ever move forward. Youre gonna be reliving that day every single day until the day you die, unless you go see for your own eyes that shes okay. Then maybe youll see that its okay for you to be happy, too.
I lean forward and run my hands over my face, then rest my elbows on my knees and look down. I watch as a single tear falls from my eye and drops to the floor beneath my feet. And what happens if shes not okay? I whisper.
Cap leans forward and clasps his hands between his knees. I turn and look at him, seeing tears in his eyes for the first time in the twenty-four years Ive known him. Then I guess nothing changes. You can keep on feeling like you dont deserve a life for ruining hers. You can keep on avoiding everything that might make you feel again. He leans in toward me and lowers his voice. I know the thought of confronting your past terrifies you. It terrifies every man. But sometimes we dont do it for ourselves. We do it for the people we love more than ourselves.
Chapter thirty-seven
RACHEL
Brad! I yell. Someones at the door! I grab a dish towel and dry my hands.
Got it, he says, passing through the kitchen. I take a quick inventory of the kitchen to make sure there isnt anything my mother can insult. Counters are clean. Floors are clean.
Bring it on, Mom.
Wait here, Brad says to whoever is at the door.
Wait here?
Brad wouldnt say that to my mother.
Rachel, Brad says from the kitchen entryway. I turn around to face him, and I immediately tense. The look on his face is one I rarely ever see. Its reserved for preparation. When hes about to tell me something I dont want to hear or something hes afraid will hurt me. My immediate thoughts fall to my mother, and Im gripped with worry.
Brad, I whisper. What is it? Im holding the counter next to me. The familiar fear washes over me that used to live and breathe inside me, but now its something that only grips me on occasion.
Like right now, when my husband is too afraid to tell me something hes not sure I want to hear. Someones here to see you, he says.
I dont know of anyone who could make Brad as concerned as he is right now. Who?
He slowly walks toward me and cups my face in his hands when he reaches me. He looks into my eyes as if hes trying to brace me for a fall. Its Miles.
I dont move.
I dont fall, but Brad holds me up anyway. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me against his chest.
Why is he here? My voice trembles.
Brad shakes his head. I dont know. He pulls away and looks down on me. Ill ask him to leave if you need me to.
I immediately shake my head. I wouldnt do that to him. Not if he came all the way to Phoenix.
Not after almost seven years.
Do you need a few minutes? I can take him to the living room.
I dont deserve this man. I dont know what Id do without him. He knows my history with Miles. He knows everything we went through. It took me a while to be able to tell him the whole story. He knows all of this, and hes still standing here, offering to invite the only other man Ive ever loved into our home.
Im okay, I tell him, even though Im not. I dont know if I want to see Miles. I have no idea why hes here. Are you okay?
He nods. He looks upset. I think you should talk to him. He leans in and kisses me on the forehead. Hes in the foyer. Ill be in my office if you need me.
I nod, and then I kiss him. I kiss him hard.
He walks away, and Im left standing silently in the kitchen, my heart beating erratically within my chest. I take a deep breath, but it does nothing to calm me. I brush my hands down my shirt and walk toward the foyer.
Miless back is to me, but he hears me round the corner. He turns his head slightly over his shoulder, almost as if hes just as afraid to turn around and look at me as I am to see him.
He does it carefully. Slowly. Suddenly, my eyes are locked with his.
I know its been six years, but in that six years, hes somehow completely changed, without changing at all. Hes still Miles, but hes a man now. This makes me wonder what hes seeing, looking at me for the first time since the day I left him.
Hey, he says, treading carefully. His voice is different. It isnt the voice of a teenager anymore.
Hi.
I lose his gaze as his eyes travel around the foyer. He takes in my home. A home I never expected to see him in. We both stand in silence for a whole minute. Maybe two.
Rachel, I … He looks back at me again. I dont know why Im here.
I do.
I can see it in his eyes. I got to know those eyes so well when we were together. I knew all his thoughts. All his emotions. He wasnt able to hide how he felt, because he felt so much. Hes always felt so much.
Hes here because he needs something. I dont know what. Answers, maybe? Closure? Im glad he waited until now to get it, because I think Im finally ready to give it.
Its good to see you, I tell him.
Our voices are weak and timid. Its weird, seeing someone for the first time under different circumstances from when you parted.
I loved this man. I loved him with all my heart and soul. I loved him like I love Brad.
I also hated him.
Come in, I say, motioning toward the living room. Lets talk.
He takes two hesitant steps toward the living room. I turn around and let him follow me.
We both take a seat on the sofa. He doesnt get comfortable. Instead, he sits on the edge of it and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. Hes looking around, taking in my home once more. My life.
Youre brave, I say. He looks at me, waiting for me to continue. Ive thought about this, Miles. About seeing you again. I just … I look down. I just couldnt.
Why not? he says almost immediately.
I make eye contact with him again. The same reason you havent. We dont know what to say.
He smiles, but its not the smile I used to love on Miles. This one is guarded, and I wonder if I did this to him. If Im responsible for all the sad parts of him. There are so many sad parts of him now.
He picks up a photo of Brad and me from the end table. His eyes study the picture in his hands for a moment. Do you love him? he asks, continuing to stare at the picture. Like you loved me? Hes not asking in a bitter or jealous way. Hes asking in a curious way.
Yes, I reply. Just as much.
He places the picture back on the end table but continues to stare at it.
How? he whispers. How did you do that?
His words bring tears to my eyes, because I know exactly what hes asking me. I asked myself the same question for several years, until I met Brad. I didnt think Id ever be able to love someone again. I didnt think Id want to love someone again. Why would anyone want to put themselves in a position that could bring back the type of pain that makes a person envious of death?
How about now? Ian says, hopeful. You gonna go after her now?
I glare at him before turning to stalk off to my bedroom.
Ian laughs loudly. Its the kind of laugh that says, Youre a goddamn idiot. Only he already said that, so hes kind of just repeating himself.
He follows me to my bedroom.
Im really not in the mood for this conversation. Good thing I know how to look at people without actually seeing them.
I take a seat on my bed, and he walks into my room and leans against the door. Im tired of this, Miles. Six f**king years Ive watched this zombie walk around in your place.
Im not a zombie, I say flatly. Zombies cant fly.
Ian rolls his eyes, obviously not in the mood for jokes. Good thing, because Im not really in the mood to make them.
He continues to glare at me, so I pick up my phone and lie back on the bed in order to pretend he isnt here.
Shes the first thing to breathe life back into you since the night you drowned in that f**king lake.
Ill hurt him. If he doesnt leave right this second, Ill f**king hurt him.
Get out.
No.
I look at him. I see him. Get the hell out, Ian.
He walks to my desk, pulls out the chair, and sits in it. Fuck you, Miles, he says. Im not finished.
Get out!
No!
I stop fighting him. I get up and walk out myself.
He follows me. Let me ask you one question, he says, trailing me into the living room.
And then youll get out?
He nods. And then Ill get out.
Fine.
He regards me silently for a few moments.
I patiently wait for his question so he can leave before I hurt him.
What if someone told you they could erase that entire night from your memory, but in doing so, they also have to erase every single good thing. All the moments with Rachel. Every word, every kiss, every I love you. Every moment you had with your son, no matter how brief. The first moment you saw Rachel holding him. The first moment you held him. The first time you heard him cry or watched him sleep. All of it. Gone. Forever. If someone told you they could get rid of the ugly stuff, but youd lose all the other stuff, too … would you do it?
He thinks hes asking me something Ive never asked myself before. Does he think I dont sit and wonder about this stuff every f**king day of my life?
You didnt say I had to answer your question. You just asked if you could ask it. You can leave now.
Im the worst kind of person.
You cant answer it, he says. You cant say yes.
I also cant say no, I tell him. Congratulations, Ian. You stumped me. Goodbye.
I begin to walk back to my room, but he says my name again. I stop and put my hands on my h*ps and drop my head. Why wont he stop with it, already? Its been six damn years. He should know that night made me who I am now. He should know Im not changing.
If I would have asked you that a few months ago, you would have said yes before the question even left my mouth, he says. Your answer has always been yes. You would have given up anything to not have to relive that night.
I turn around, and hes heading toward the door. He opens it, then pauses and faces me again. If being with Tate for a few short months can make that pain bearable enough for you to answer with maybe, imagine what a lifetime with her could do for you.
He closes the door.
I close my eyes.
Something happens. Something inside me. Its as if his words have created an avalanche out of the glacier surrounding my heart. I feel chunks of hardened ice break off and fall next to all the other pieces that have detached since the moment I met Tate.
I step off the elevator and walk over to the empty chair next to Cap. He doesnt even acknowledge my presence with eye contact. Hes staring across the lobby toward the exit.
You just let her go, he says, not even attempting to hide the disappointment in his voice.
I dont respond.
He pushes on the arms of his chair with his hands, repositioning himself. Some people … they grow wiser as they grow older. Unfortunately, most people just grow older. He turns to face me. Youre one of the ones just been growing older, because you are as stupid as you were the day you were born.
Cap knows me well enough to know this is what had to happen. Hes known me all my life; having worked maintenance on my fathers apartment buildings since before I was born. Before that, he worked for my grandfather doing the same thing. This pretty much guarantees he knows more about me and my family than even I do. It had to happen, Cap, I say, excusing the fact that I let the only girl who has been able to reach me in more than six years just walk away.
Had to happen, huh? he grumbles.
As long as Ive known him and as many nights as Ive spent down here talking to him, hes never once given me an opinion about the decisions Ive made for myself. He knows the life I chose after Rachel. He spouts off tidbits of wisdom here and there but never his opinion. Hes listened to me vent about the situation with Tate for months, and he always sits quietly, patiently hearing me out, never giving me advice. Thats what I like about him.
I feel thats all about to change.
Before you give me a lecture, Cap, I say, interrupting him before he has the chance to continue. You know shes better off. I turn and face him. You know she is.
Cap chuckles, nodding his head. Thats for damn sure.
I look at him disbelievingly. Did he just agree with me?
Are you saying I made the right choice?
Hes quiet for a second before blowing out a quick breath. His expression contorts as if his thoughts arent something he necessarily wants to share. He relaxes into his chair and folds his arms loosely over his chest. I told myself to never get involved in your problems, boy, because in order for a man to give advice, hed better know what the hell hes talkin about. And Lord knows in all my eighty years, I aint never been through nothing like what you went through. I dont know the first thing about what that was like or what that did to you. Just thinking bout that night makes my gut hurt, so I know you feel it in your gut, too. And your heart. And your bones. And your soul.
I close my eyes, wishing I could close my ears instead. I dont want to hear this.
None of the people in your life knows what it feels like to be you. Not me. Not your father. Not those friends of yours. Not even Tate. Theres only one person who feels what you feel. Only one person who hurts like you hurt. Only one other parent to that baby boy who misses him the same way you do.
My eyes are closed tightly now, and Im doing all I can to respect his end of the conversation, but its taking all I have not to get up and walk away. He has no right bringing Rachel into this conversation.
Miles, he says quietly. Theres determination in his voice, like he needs me to take him seriously. I always do. You believe you took away that girls chance at happiness, and until you confront that past, you wont ever move forward. Youre gonna be reliving that day every single day until the day you die, unless you go see for your own eyes that shes okay. Then maybe youll see that its okay for you to be happy, too.
I lean forward and run my hands over my face, then rest my elbows on my knees and look down. I watch as a single tear falls from my eye and drops to the floor beneath my feet. And what happens if shes not okay? I whisper.
Cap leans forward and clasps his hands between his knees. I turn and look at him, seeing tears in his eyes for the first time in the twenty-four years Ive known him. Then I guess nothing changes. You can keep on feeling like you dont deserve a life for ruining hers. You can keep on avoiding everything that might make you feel again. He leans in toward me and lowers his voice. I know the thought of confronting your past terrifies you. It terrifies every man. But sometimes we dont do it for ourselves. We do it for the people we love more than ourselves.
Chapter thirty-seven
RACHEL
Brad! I yell. Someones at the door! I grab a dish towel and dry my hands.
Got it, he says, passing through the kitchen. I take a quick inventory of the kitchen to make sure there isnt anything my mother can insult. Counters are clean. Floors are clean.
Bring it on, Mom.
Wait here, Brad says to whoever is at the door.
Wait here?
Brad wouldnt say that to my mother.
Rachel, Brad says from the kitchen entryway. I turn around to face him, and I immediately tense. The look on his face is one I rarely ever see. Its reserved for preparation. When hes about to tell me something I dont want to hear or something hes afraid will hurt me. My immediate thoughts fall to my mother, and Im gripped with worry.
Brad, I whisper. What is it? Im holding the counter next to me. The familiar fear washes over me that used to live and breathe inside me, but now its something that only grips me on occasion.
Like right now, when my husband is too afraid to tell me something hes not sure I want to hear. Someones here to see you, he says.
I dont know of anyone who could make Brad as concerned as he is right now. Who?
He slowly walks toward me and cups my face in his hands when he reaches me. He looks into my eyes as if hes trying to brace me for a fall. Its Miles.
I dont move.
I dont fall, but Brad holds me up anyway. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me against his chest.
Why is he here? My voice trembles.
Brad shakes his head. I dont know. He pulls away and looks down on me. Ill ask him to leave if you need me to.
I immediately shake my head. I wouldnt do that to him. Not if he came all the way to Phoenix.
Not after almost seven years.
Do you need a few minutes? I can take him to the living room.
I dont deserve this man. I dont know what Id do without him. He knows my history with Miles. He knows everything we went through. It took me a while to be able to tell him the whole story. He knows all of this, and hes still standing here, offering to invite the only other man Ive ever loved into our home.
Im okay, I tell him, even though Im not. I dont know if I want to see Miles. I have no idea why hes here. Are you okay?
He nods. He looks upset. I think you should talk to him. He leans in and kisses me on the forehead. Hes in the foyer. Ill be in my office if you need me.
I nod, and then I kiss him. I kiss him hard.
He walks away, and Im left standing silently in the kitchen, my heart beating erratically within my chest. I take a deep breath, but it does nothing to calm me. I brush my hands down my shirt and walk toward the foyer.
Miless back is to me, but he hears me round the corner. He turns his head slightly over his shoulder, almost as if hes just as afraid to turn around and look at me as I am to see him.
He does it carefully. Slowly. Suddenly, my eyes are locked with his.
I know its been six years, but in that six years, hes somehow completely changed, without changing at all. Hes still Miles, but hes a man now. This makes me wonder what hes seeing, looking at me for the first time since the day I left him.
Hey, he says, treading carefully. His voice is different. It isnt the voice of a teenager anymore.
Hi.
I lose his gaze as his eyes travel around the foyer. He takes in my home. A home I never expected to see him in. We both stand in silence for a whole minute. Maybe two.
Rachel, I … He looks back at me again. I dont know why Im here.
I do.
I can see it in his eyes. I got to know those eyes so well when we were together. I knew all his thoughts. All his emotions. He wasnt able to hide how he felt, because he felt so much. Hes always felt so much.
Hes here because he needs something. I dont know what. Answers, maybe? Closure? Im glad he waited until now to get it, because I think Im finally ready to give it.
Its good to see you, I tell him.
Our voices are weak and timid. Its weird, seeing someone for the first time under different circumstances from when you parted.
I loved this man. I loved him with all my heart and soul. I loved him like I love Brad.
I also hated him.
Come in, I say, motioning toward the living room. Lets talk.
He takes two hesitant steps toward the living room. I turn around and let him follow me.
We both take a seat on the sofa. He doesnt get comfortable. Instead, he sits on the edge of it and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. Hes looking around, taking in my home once more. My life.
Youre brave, I say. He looks at me, waiting for me to continue. Ive thought about this, Miles. About seeing you again. I just … I look down. I just couldnt.
Why not? he says almost immediately.
I make eye contact with him again. The same reason you havent. We dont know what to say.
He smiles, but its not the smile I used to love on Miles. This one is guarded, and I wonder if I did this to him. If Im responsible for all the sad parts of him. There are so many sad parts of him now.
He picks up a photo of Brad and me from the end table. His eyes study the picture in his hands for a moment. Do you love him? he asks, continuing to stare at the picture. Like you loved me? Hes not asking in a bitter or jealous way. Hes asking in a curious way.
Yes, I reply. Just as much.
He places the picture back on the end table but continues to stare at it.
How? he whispers. How did you do that?
His words bring tears to my eyes, because I know exactly what hes asking me. I asked myself the same question for several years, until I met Brad. I didnt think Id ever be able to love someone again. I didnt think Id want to love someone again. Why would anyone want to put themselves in a position that could bring back the type of pain that makes a person envious of death?
