I will tell you about him, though. I promise. I also want to tell you about Rachel. I want you to know everything about my past.
I dont even know if hes finished, but I lean forward and press my lips to his. He pulls me against him so tightly and pushes back against my mouth so hard its as if hes telling me hes sorry without using words.
Tate, he whispers against my mouth. I can feel him smiling. Im not finished.
He lifts me and adjusts me next to him on the couch. His thumb circles my shoulder as he looks down at his lap, forming whatever words hes needing to say to me.
I was born and raised in a small suburb just outside of San Francisco, he says, bringing his eyes back up to meet mine. Im an only child. I dont really have any favorite foods, because I like almost everything. Ive wanted to be a pilot for as long as I can remember. My mother passed away from cancer when I was seventeen. My father has been married for about a year to a woman who works for him. Shes nice, and theyre happy together. Ive always kind of wanted a dog, but Ive never had one …
I watch him, mesmerized. I watch his eyes as they roam around my face while he talks. While he tells me all about his childhood and his past and how he met my brother and his relationship with Ian.
His hand finds mine, and he covers it as though hes becoming my shield. My armor. The night I met you, he finally says. The night you found me in the hallway? His eyes dart toward his lap, unable to hold contact with mine. My son would have been six that day.
I know he said he wants me to listen to him, but right now, I just need to hug him. I lean forward and wrap my arms around him, and he lies back on the couch, pulling me on top of him.
It took everything I had to try to convince myself that I wasnt falling for you, Tate. Every single time I was around you, the things I would feel terrified me. I had gone six years thinking I had control of my life and my heart and that nothing could ever hurt me again. But when we were together, there were moments I didnt care if I ever hurt again, because being with you almost felt worth the potential pain. Every time I began to feel that way, I would just push you farther away out of guilt and fear. I felt like I didnt deserve you. I didnt deserve happiness at all, because Id taken it away from the only two people I had ever loved.
His arms tighten around me when he feels my shoulders shaking from the tears making their way out of my eyes. His lips meet the top of my head, and he inhales a steady breath as he kisses me, long and hard.
Im sorry it took me so long, he says with a voice full of remorse. But Ill never be able to thank you enough for not giving up on me. You saw something in me that gave you hope in us, and you didnt give up on that. And Tate? That means more to me than anything anyones ever done.
His hands meet my cheeks, and he lifts me away from his chest so he can see me face-to-face. It may be a small piece at a time, but my past is yours now. All of it. Anything you want to know, I want to tell you. But only if you promise me I can also have your future.
The tears cascade down my cheeks, and he wipes them away, even though I dont need him to. I dont care that Im crying, because they arent sad tears. Not in the least.
We kiss for so long my mouth starts to hurt as much as my heart. My heart isnt hurting from pain this time, though. It hurts because its never felt this full.
I trace my fingers across the scar on his jaw, knowing hell eventually tell me how he got it. I also touch the tender area beneath his eye, relieved that I can finally ask him questions without being scared Ill upset him.
What happened to your eye?
He laughs and lets his head fall back against the couch. I had to ask Corbin for your address. He gave it to me, but it took a lot of convincing.
I immediately lean forward and gently kiss his eye. I cant believe he hit you.
Not the first time, he admits. But Im pretty sure itll be the last. I think hes finally okay with us being together after I agreed to a few of his rules.
This makes me nervous. What rules?
Well, for one, Im not allowed to break your heart, he says. Second, Im also not allowed to break your damn heart. And last, Im not allowed to f**king break your damn heart.
I cant contain my laughter, because that sounds exactly like something Corbin would say to him. Miles laughs with me, and we take each other in for several quiet moments. I can see everything in his eyes now. Every single emotion.
Miles, I say with a smile, youre looking at me like you fell in love with me.
He shakes his head. I didnt fall in love with you, Tate. I flew.
He pulls me back to him and gives me the only part of himself that hes never been able to give me until now.
His heart.
Chapter thirty-nine
MILES
I stand in the doorway of my bedroom and watch her sleep. She doesnt know it, but I do this every morning shes here with me. Shes what starts my day off right.
The first time I did this was the morning after I met her. I couldnt remember much from the night before. The only thing I remembered was her. I was on the couch, and she was stroking my hair, whispering, telling me to go to sleep. When I woke up in Corbins apartment the next morning, I couldnt get her out of my head. I thought she had been a dream until I saw her purse in the living room.
I peeked inside her bedroom just to see if anyone was in the apartment with me. What I felt the moment I laid eyes on her was something I hadnt felt since the moment I first laid eyes on Rachel.
I felt like I was floating. Her skin and her hair and her lips and the way she looked like an angel while I stood there and watched her brought back so many feelings that had become foreign to me over the past six years.
I had gone so long refusing to allow myself to feel anything for anyone.
Not that I could have controlled the feelings I was experiencing toward Tate that day. I couldnt control them if Id wanted to.
I know, because I tried.
I tried like hell.
But the second she opened her eyes and looked at me, I knew. She was either going to be the death of me … or she was going to be the one who finally brought me back to life.
The only problem I had with that was the fact that I didnt want to be brought back to life. I was comfortable. Protecting myself from the possibility of experiencing what I had experienced in the past was my only priority. However, there were so many moments when I forgot what my only priority was supposed to be.
When I finally caved and kissed her, that was the point at which everything changed. I wanted so much more after experiencing that kiss with her. I wanted her mouth and her body and her mind, and the only reason I stopped was that I felt myself also wanting her heart. I was good at lying to myself, though. Convincing myself that I was strong enough to have her physically and no other way. I didnt want to get hurt again, and I sure as hell didnt want to hurt her.
I did anyway, though. I hurt her so much. More than once. Now I plan to spend a lifetime making it up to her.
I walk to my bed and sit on the edge of it. She feels the bed shift, and she opens her eyes but not all the way. A hint of a smile plays on her lips before she pulls the covers over her head and rolls over.
We officially began dating six months ago, and thats been plenty long enough for me to realize shes not at all a morning person. I lean forward and kiss the area of blanket covering up her ear.
Wake up, sleepyhead, I whisper.
She groans, so I lift the covers up and slide in behind her, wrapping myself around her. Her groan eventually turns into a soft moan.
Tate, you need to get up. We have a plane to catch.
That gets her attention.
She rolls over cautiously and pulls the covers from over our heads. What the hell do you mean we have a plane to catch?
Im grinning, trying to contain my anticipation. Get up, get dressed, lets go.
Shes eyeing me suspiciously, which makes total sense, considering its not even five oclock in the morning yet. I know you know how rare it is for me to have an entire day off, so this better be worth it.
I laugh and give her a quick kiss. That all depends on our ability to be punctual. I stand up and pat the mattress several times with the palms of my hands. So get up, get up, get up.
She laughs and throws the covers off of her completely. She scoots to the edge of the bed, and I help her stand up. Its hard to stay irritated with you when youre this giddy, Miles.
We reach the lobby, and Cap is waiting at the elevator just as I asked him to. He has her juice in a to-go cup and our breakfast. I love the relationship they have. I was a little worried to reveal to Tate that I had known Cap all my life. When I finally told her, she was irritated with both of us. Mostly because she assumed Cap was telling me everything she confessed to him.
I assured her Cap wouldnt do that.
I know he wouldnt, because Cap is one of the few people in this world I trust.
He knew just the right things to say to me without appearing as though he were lecturing me or giving me advice. Hed always say just enough to make me think long and hard about my situation with Tate. Luckily, hes one of the few people who grow wiser with age. He knew what he was doing with both of us all along.
Morning, Tate, he says to her, grinning from ear to ear. He holds out his arm for her to take, and she looks back and forth between us.
Whats going on? she asks Cap as he begins to walk her toward the lobby exit.
He smiles. The boy is about to take me on my first-ever ride in an airplane. I wanted you to come along, too.
She tells him she doesnt believe this is his first time in an airplane.
Its true, he says. Just cause I have the moniker dont mean Ive ever been on a real plane.
The look of appreciation she shoots me over her shoulder is enough to declare this day one of my favorites, and its not even daylight yet.
You okay back there, Cap? I say into the headset. Hes seated right behind Tate, staring out his window. He gives me a thumbs-up but doesnt take his eyes off the window. The sun hasnt even broken through the clouds yet, and theres not very much to see at this point. Weve only been in the plane ten minutes, but Im pretty sure hes just as fascinated and mesmerized as I hoped he would be.
I return my attention to the controls until I reach optimal altitude, and then I mute Caps headset. I glance at Tate, and shes staring at me, watching me with an appreciative smile spread across her lips.
Want to know why were here? I ask her.
She glances over her shoulder at Cap and then looks back at me. Because hes never done this before.
I shake my head, timing it just right. Remember the day we were driving back from your parents house after Thanksgiving?
She nods, but her eyes are curious now.
You asked what it was like to experience the sunrise from up here. Its not something that can be described, Tate. I point out her window. You just have to experience it for yourself.
She immediately turns and looks out her window. Her palms press against the glass, and for five minutes straight, she doesnt move a muscle. She watches it the entire time, and I dont know how, but I fall even more in love with her in this moment.
When the sun has broken through the clouds and the airplane is completely filled with sunlight, she finally turns back to face me. Her eyes are filled with tears, and she doesnt speak a word. She just reaches for my hand and holds it.
Wait here, I tell her. I want to help Cap out first. A driver is taking him back to the apartment, because you and I are going to breakfast after this.
She tells Cap goodbye and waits patiently in the plane as I help him down the steps. He reaches into his pocket and hands me the boxes, then flashes me one of his approving smiles. I shove the boxes into the pocket of my jacket and turn back toward the steps.
Hey, boy! Cap yells, right before climbing into the car. I pause and turn around to face him. He looks at the plane behind me. Thank you, he says, waving his hand down the length of the plane. For this.
I nod, but he disappears inside the vehicle before I can tell him thank you in return.
I climb back up the steps and into the plane. Shes unbuckling her safety belt, getting prepared to exit the plane, but I slide back into my seat.
She smiles at me warmly. Youre incredible, Miles Mikel Archer. And I have to say, you look pretty damn hot flying an airplane. We should do this more often.
She gives me a quick peck on the mouth and begins to get up out of her seat.
I push her back down. Were not finished, I say, turning and facing her full on. I take her hands in mine and look down at them, inhaling slowly, preparing to say everything she deserves to hear. That day you asked me about watching the sunrise? I look her in the eyes again. I need to thank you for that. It was the first moment in more than six years I felt like I wanted to love someone again.
She blows out a quick breath with her smile and pulls in her bottom lip to try to hide it. I lift a hand to her face and pull her lip out from beneath her teeth with the pressure of my thumb. I told you not to do that. I love your smile almost as much as I love you.
I lean forward to kiss her again, but I keep my eyes open so I can make sure that Im retrieving the black box first. When I have it in my hand, I stop kissing her and pull away. Her eyes fall to the box and immediately grow wide, moving back and forth between the box and my face. Her hand comes up to her mouth, and she covers her gasp.
Miles, she says, continuing to trade glances between me and the box in my hands.
I cut her off. Its not what you think, I say, immediately opening the box to reveal the key. Its kind of not what you think, I hesitantly add.
Her eyes are wide and hopeful, and Im relieved by her reaction. I can tell by her smile that she wants this.
I pull the key out and flip her hand over, then place it in her palm. She stares at the key for several seconds and looks back up at me. Tate, I say, looking at her with hope. Will you move in with me?
I dont even know if hes finished, but I lean forward and press my lips to his. He pulls me against him so tightly and pushes back against my mouth so hard its as if hes telling me hes sorry without using words.
Tate, he whispers against my mouth. I can feel him smiling. Im not finished.
He lifts me and adjusts me next to him on the couch. His thumb circles my shoulder as he looks down at his lap, forming whatever words hes needing to say to me.
I was born and raised in a small suburb just outside of San Francisco, he says, bringing his eyes back up to meet mine. Im an only child. I dont really have any favorite foods, because I like almost everything. Ive wanted to be a pilot for as long as I can remember. My mother passed away from cancer when I was seventeen. My father has been married for about a year to a woman who works for him. Shes nice, and theyre happy together. Ive always kind of wanted a dog, but Ive never had one …
I watch him, mesmerized. I watch his eyes as they roam around my face while he talks. While he tells me all about his childhood and his past and how he met my brother and his relationship with Ian.
His hand finds mine, and he covers it as though hes becoming my shield. My armor. The night I met you, he finally says. The night you found me in the hallway? His eyes dart toward his lap, unable to hold contact with mine. My son would have been six that day.
I know he said he wants me to listen to him, but right now, I just need to hug him. I lean forward and wrap my arms around him, and he lies back on the couch, pulling me on top of him.
It took everything I had to try to convince myself that I wasnt falling for you, Tate. Every single time I was around you, the things I would feel terrified me. I had gone six years thinking I had control of my life and my heart and that nothing could ever hurt me again. But when we were together, there were moments I didnt care if I ever hurt again, because being with you almost felt worth the potential pain. Every time I began to feel that way, I would just push you farther away out of guilt and fear. I felt like I didnt deserve you. I didnt deserve happiness at all, because Id taken it away from the only two people I had ever loved.
His arms tighten around me when he feels my shoulders shaking from the tears making their way out of my eyes. His lips meet the top of my head, and he inhales a steady breath as he kisses me, long and hard.
Im sorry it took me so long, he says with a voice full of remorse. But Ill never be able to thank you enough for not giving up on me. You saw something in me that gave you hope in us, and you didnt give up on that. And Tate? That means more to me than anything anyones ever done.
His hands meet my cheeks, and he lifts me away from his chest so he can see me face-to-face. It may be a small piece at a time, but my past is yours now. All of it. Anything you want to know, I want to tell you. But only if you promise me I can also have your future.
The tears cascade down my cheeks, and he wipes them away, even though I dont need him to. I dont care that Im crying, because they arent sad tears. Not in the least.
We kiss for so long my mouth starts to hurt as much as my heart. My heart isnt hurting from pain this time, though. It hurts because its never felt this full.
I trace my fingers across the scar on his jaw, knowing hell eventually tell me how he got it. I also touch the tender area beneath his eye, relieved that I can finally ask him questions without being scared Ill upset him.
What happened to your eye?
He laughs and lets his head fall back against the couch. I had to ask Corbin for your address. He gave it to me, but it took a lot of convincing.
I immediately lean forward and gently kiss his eye. I cant believe he hit you.
Not the first time, he admits. But Im pretty sure itll be the last. I think hes finally okay with us being together after I agreed to a few of his rules.
This makes me nervous. What rules?
Well, for one, Im not allowed to break your heart, he says. Second, Im also not allowed to break your damn heart. And last, Im not allowed to f**king break your damn heart.
I cant contain my laughter, because that sounds exactly like something Corbin would say to him. Miles laughs with me, and we take each other in for several quiet moments. I can see everything in his eyes now. Every single emotion.
Miles, I say with a smile, youre looking at me like you fell in love with me.
He shakes his head. I didnt fall in love with you, Tate. I flew.
He pulls me back to him and gives me the only part of himself that hes never been able to give me until now.
His heart.
Chapter thirty-nine
MILES
I stand in the doorway of my bedroom and watch her sleep. She doesnt know it, but I do this every morning shes here with me. Shes what starts my day off right.
The first time I did this was the morning after I met her. I couldnt remember much from the night before. The only thing I remembered was her. I was on the couch, and she was stroking my hair, whispering, telling me to go to sleep. When I woke up in Corbins apartment the next morning, I couldnt get her out of my head. I thought she had been a dream until I saw her purse in the living room.
I peeked inside her bedroom just to see if anyone was in the apartment with me. What I felt the moment I laid eyes on her was something I hadnt felt since the moment I first laid eyes on Rachel.
I felt like I was floating. Her skin and her hair and her lips and the way she looked like an angel while I stood there and watched her brought back so many feelings that had become foreign to me over the past six years.
I had gone so long refusing to allow myself to feel anything for anyone.
Not that I could have controlled the feelings I was experiencing toward Tate that day. I couldnt control them if Id wanted to.
I know, because I tried.
I tried like hell.
But the second she opened her eyes and looked at me, I knew. She was either going to be the death of me … or she was going to be the one who finally brought me back to life.
The only problem I had with that was the fact that I didnt want to be brought back to life. I was comfortable. Protecting myself from the possibility of experiencing what I had experienced in the past was my only priority. However, there were so many moments when I forgot what my only priority was supposed to be.
When I finally caved and kissed her, that was the point at which everything changed. I wanted so much more after experiencing that kiss with her. I wanted her mouth and her body and her mind, and the only reason I stopped was that I felt myself also wanting her heart. I was good at lying to myself, though. Convincing myself that I was strong enough to have her physically and no other way. I didnt want to get hurt again, and I sure as hell didnt want to hurt her.
I did anyway, though. I hurt her so much. More than once. Now I plan to spend a lifetime making it up to her.
I walk to my bed and sit on the edge of it. She feels the bed shift, and she opens her eyes but not all the way. A hint of a smile plays on her lips before she pulls the covers over her head and rolls over.
We officially began dating six months ago, and thats been plenty long enough for me to realize shes not at all a morning person. I lean forward and kiss the area of blanket covering up her ear.
Wake up, sleepyhead, I whisper.
She groans, so I lift the covers up and slide in behind her, wrapping myself around her. Her groan eventually turns into a soft moan.
Tate, you need to get up. We have a plane to catch.
That gets her attention.
She rolls over cautiously and pulls the covers from over our heads. What the hell do you mean we have a plane to catch?
Im grinning, trying to contain my anticipation. Get up, get dressed, lets go.
Shes eyeing me suspiciously, which makes total sense, considering its not even five oclock in the morning yet. I know you know how rare it is for me to have an entire day off, so this better be worth it.
I laugh and give her a quick kiss. That all depends on our ability to be punctual. I stand up and pat the mattress several times with the palms of my hands. So get up, get up, get up.
She laughs and throws the covers off of her completely. She scoots to the edge of the bed, and I help her stand up. Its hard to stay irritated with you when youre this giddy, Miles.
We reach the lobby, and Cap is waiting at the elevator just as I asked him to. He has her juice in a to-go cup and our breakfast. I love the relationship they have. I was a little worried to reveal to Tate that I had known Cap all my life. When I finally told her, she was irritated with both of us. Mostly because she assumed Cap was telling me everything she confessed to him.
I assured her Cap wouldnt do that.
I know he wouldnt, because Cap is one of the few people in this world I trust.
He knew just the right things to say to me without appearing as though he were lecturing me or giving me advice. Hed always say just enough to make me think long and hard about my situation with Tate. Luckily, hes one of the few people who grow wiser with age. He knew what he was doing with both of us all along.
Morning, Tate, he says to her, grinning from ear to ear. He holds out his arm for her to take, and she looks back and forth between us.
Whats going on? she asks Cap as he begins to walk her toward the lobby exit.
He smiles. The boy is about to take me on my first-ever ride in an airplane. I wanted you to come along, too.
She tells him she doesnt believe this is his first time in an airplane.
Its true, he says. Just cause I have the moniker dont mean Ive ever been on a real plane.
The look of appreciation she shoots me over her shoulder is enough to declare this day one of my favorites, and its not even daylight yet.
You okay back there, Cap? I say into the headset. Hes seated right behind Tate, staring out his window. He gives me a thumbs-up but doesnt take his eyes off the window. The sun hasnt even broken through the clouds yet, and theres not very much to see at this point. Weve only been in the plane ten minutes, but Im pretty sure hes just as fascinated and mesmerized as I hoped he would be.
I return my attention to the controls until I reach optimal altitude, and then I mute Caps headset. I glance at Tate, and shes staring at me, watching me with an appreciative smile spread across her lips.
Want to know why were here? I ask her.
She glances over her shoulder at Cap and then looks back at me. Because hes never done this before.
I shake my head, timing it just right. Remember the day we were driving back from your parents house after Thanksgiving?
She nods, but her eyes are curious now.
You asked what it was like to experience the sunrise from up here. Its not something that can be described, Tate. I point out her window. You just have to experience it for yourself.
She immediately turns and looks out her window. Her palms press against the glass, and for five minutes straight, she doesnt move a muscle. She watches it the entire time, and I dont know how, but I fall even more in love with her in this moment.
When the sun has broken through the clouds and the airplane is completely filled with sunlight, she finally turns back to face me. Her eyes are filled with tears, and she doesnt speak a word. She just reaches for my hand and holds it.
Wait here, I tell her. I want to help Cap out first. A driver is taking him back to the apartment, because you and I are going to breakfast after this.
She tells Cap goodbye and waits patiently in the plane as I help him down the steps. He reaches into his pocket and hands me the boxes, then flashes me one of his approving smiles. I shove the boxes into the pocket of my jacket and turn back toward the steps.
Hey, boy! Cap yells, right before climbing into the car. I pause and turn around to face him. He looks at the plane behind me. Thank you, he says, waving his hand down the length of the plane. For this.
I nod, but he disappears inside the vehicle before I can tell him thank you in return.
I climb back up the steps and into the plane. Shes unbuckling her safety belt, getting prepared to exit the plane, but I slide back into my seat.
She smiles at me warmly. Youre incredible, Miles Mikel Archer. And I have to say, you look pretty damn hot flying an airplane. We should do this more often.
She gives me a quick peck on the mouth and begins to get up out of her seat.
I push her back down. Were not finished, I say, turning and facing her full on. I take her hands in mine and look down at them, inhaling slowly, preparing to say everything she deserves to hear. That day you asked me about watching the sunrise? I look her in the eyes again. I need to thank you for that. It was the first moment in more than six years I felt like I wanted to love someone again.
She blows out a quick breath with her smile and pulls in her bottom lip to try to hide it. I lift a hand to her face and pull her lip out from beneath her teeth with the pressure of my thumb. I told you not to do that. I love your smile almost as much as I love you.
I lean forward to kiss her again, but I keep my eyes open so I can make sure that Im retrieving the black box first. When I have it in my hand, I stop kissing her and pull away. Her eyes fall to the box and immediately grow wide, moving back and forth between the box and my face. Her hand comes up to her mouth, and she covers her gasp.
Miles, she says, continuing to trade glances between me and the box in my hands.
I cut her off. Its not what you think, I say, immediately opening the box to reveal the key. Its kind of not what you think, I hesitantly add.
Her eyes are wide and hopeful, and Im relieved by her reaction. I can tell by her smile that she wants this.
I pull the key out and flip her hand over, then place it in her palm. She stares at the key for several seconds and looks back up at me. Tate, I say, looking at her with hope. Will you move in with me?
