“Jules!” I feel Emerson’s hand yank on my arm, and then he’s on his knees in front of me, holding me up. “Breathe,” he orders me. I gasp, but it doesn’t stop. The ache in my chest is all-consuming, a dark wave of pain crashing over me again and again. Emerson shakes me, determination clear on his face. “Breathe!” He says again, cupping my face in his hands. “You can do it. Come on, baby!”
I sob, drowning in the panic.
“I’ve got you,” Emerson promises. “Please, Jules. Just breathe with me. You can do it!”
I gasp one ragged breath deep into my lungs, and then another. I stare into Emerson’s eyes. The distance is gone, replaced with the fierce tenderness I know so well. He does love me, I tell myself. He has to. He wouldn’t be holding me like this if he didn’t. This is all a big mistake, he’ll see that now. We’re going to be OK.
Slowly, the panic ebbs away.
Emerson breathes with me, one sweet gasp of air after another. I crumple into his arms, weeping, clinging to him with everything I am. He strokes my hair gently, cradling me against him, until finally, my breathing returns to normal.
I can feel his heartbeat thundering through the damp fabric of his shirt. If I hold him hard enough, maybe I can pretend the last ten minutes never happened. We can wipe them from history and never say a word about it again.
Then Emerson slowly detaches my arms from around his torso and firmly pushes me away from him.
I look up at his beautiful face. Water runs in rivulets down from his wet hair, dripping from his thick eyelashes and flowing down his jaw. My dark, damaged angel. My forever.
“It’s over.”
His eyes close off again, a barrier crashing down between us.
“No!” I scream. “I don’t believe you!”
“I’m sorry.” Emerson’s face flashes with something tragic, an ache that has no words. He gets to his feet. I grab for him, but he steps back. “I’ll take you home.” He says blankly, holding out his hand to me.
I ignore it, scrambling to my feet all on my own. “I’m not going anywhere with you. Not until you tell me why you’re doing this to us.”
“You want a reason?” Emerson flares with anger. “Hell, try a hundred! We wouldn’t make it, Jules, any f**king fool could see that. We were crazy to think we could even try!”
“You’re wrong.” I shake my head stubbornly. “I love you!”
“And what good does that do?” Emerson yells back. “Look at our parents, at your mom. You’ve been telling me all this time how loving your dad destroyed her. Love drags you down, if it lasts at all. All the good turns to shit in the end, and then there’s nothing left but misery!”
I stumble back, sick to my stomach. He thinks I’m a dead weight around him? That I would hold him back, and make him resent me?
“You don’t mean this,” I blink through the tears.
“I do.” He swears, “And you know I’m right. What the f**k are we going to do here, Jules? Play house in a trailer somewhere? Work shitty jobs and scrape by, until you wind up hating me for everything you gave up to be with me?”
“It doesn’t have to be like that!” I scream.
“God, will you stop being such a kid? This is the real f**king world!”Emerson’s whole body is clenched with tension, jaw set and furious. “You don’t get to live happily ever after. People leave, and they cheat, and they screw around and f**k you up. What makes you think I’ll be any different? I’m a f**k-up, Jules, it’s what I do. Why even bother trying when we both know it’s never going to work.”
The black abyss I’ve been holding at bay ever since I walked in that room and found my mom finally rears up, roaring like a hurricane in my ears. I snap,
“That’s it?” I scream, surging forwards. I shove both hands against his chest, pushing him backwards.“You’re giving up, just like that? Because it’ll be hard? Because we’ll have to work to make it together? You’re a f**king coward!”
“Jules—“ Emerson starts, but I cut him off. My body is screaming with fury. I’ve been numb for days, but now all my anger comes blazing out.
“Coward!” I scream again. “You like to talk about how you’re going to make something of yourself, how you’re not going to wind up like your parents. But you’re just the same as them!”
Emerson scowls at me, terrifying. “Fuck you!”
“What? It’s the truth, isn’t it?” I taunt him, furious. “Your dad bailed when shit got tough, and your mom cares more about shooting up than taking care of her family. She takes the easy way out, they both do, and now you’re doing the exact same thing!”
As soon as the words leave my mouth, I know they’re a mistake. Emerson goes still, and when he speaks again, his voice is barely a whisper: frighteningly cold. “That’s what you think of me, huh? A trailer trash waste of space.”
I gulp. “That’s not what I meant.”
“No, I get it.” Emerson gives me a bleak, twisted smile. “I just don’t know why you didn’t say something sooner. Hell, why you even bothered sticking it out this long at all, since I’m such a worthless piece of shit.”
“I didn’t say that!” I insist, but he won’t listen.
“I always knew it’s what they thought of me.” Emerson tells me, his eyes black with bitterness. “This town, your parents… But I didn’t care. Because I thought you saw something different in me. You made me feel like I could be something more.”
I sob, drowning in the panic.
“I’ve got you,” Emerson promises. “Please, Jules. Just breathe with me. You can do it!”
I gasp one ragged breath deep into my lungs, and then another. I stare into Emerson’s eyes. The distance is gone, replaced with the fierce tenderness I know so well. He does love me, I tell myself. He has to. He wouldn’t be holding me like this if he didn’t. This is all a big mistake, he’ll see that now. We’re going to be OK.
Slowly, the panic ebbs away.
Emerson breathes with me, one sweet gasp of air after another. I crumple into his arms, weeping, clinging to him with everything I am. He strokes my hair gently, cradling me against him, until finally, my breathing returns to normal.
I can feel his heartbeat thundering through the damp fabric of his shirt. If I hold him hard enough, maybe I can pretend the last ten minutes never happened. We can wipe them from history and never say a word about it again.
Then Emerson slowly detaches my arms from around his torso and firmly pushes me away from him.
I look up at his beautiful face. Water runs in rivulets down from his wet hair, dripping from his thick eyelashes and flowing down his jaw. My dark, damaged angel. My forever.
“It’s over.”
His eyes close off again, a barrier crashing down between us.
“No!” I scream. “I don’t believe you!”
“I’m sorry.” Emerson’s face flashes with something tragic, an ache that has no words. He gets to his feet. I grab for him, but he steps back. “I’ll take you home.” He says blankly, holding out his hand to me.
I ignore it, scrambling to my feet all on my own. “I’m not going anywhere with you. Not until you tell me why you’re doing this to us.”
“You want a reason?” Emerson flares with anger. “Hell, try a hundred! We wouldn’t make it, Jules, any f**king fool could see that. We were crazy to think we could even try!”
“You’re wrong.” I shake my head stubbornly. “I love you!”
“And what good does that do?” Emerson yells back. “Look at our parents, at your mom. You’ve been telling me all this time how loving your dad destroyed her. Love drags you down, if it lasts at all. All the good turns to shit in the end, and then there’s nothing left but misery!”
I stumble back, sick to my stomach. He thinks I’m a dead weight around him? That I would hold him back, and make him resent me?
“You don’t mean this,” I blink through the tears.
“I do.” He swears, “And you know I’m right. What the f**k are we going to do here, Jules? Play house in a trailer somewhere? Work shitty jobs and scrape by, until you wind up hating me for everything you gave up to be with me?”
“It doesn’t have to be like that!” I scream.
“God, will you stop being such a kid? This is the real f**king world!”Emerson’s whole body is clenched with tension, jaw set and furious. “You don’t get to live happily ever after. People leave, and they cheat, and they screw around and f**k you up. What makes you think I’ll be any different? I’m a f**k-up, Jules, it’s what I do. Why even bother trying when we both know it’s never going to work.”
The black abyss I’ve been holding at bay ever since I walked in that room and found my mom finally rears up, roaring like a hurricane in my ears. I snap,
“That’s it?” I scream, surging forwards. I shove both hands against his chest, pushing him backwards.“You’re giving up, just like that? Because it’ll be hard? Because we’ll have to work to make it together? You’re a f**king coward!”
“Jules—“ Emerson starts, but I cut him off. My body is screaming with fury. I’ve been numb for days, but now all my anger comes blazing out.
“Coward!” I scream again. “You like to talk about how you’re going to make something of yourself, how you’re not going to wind up like your parents. But you’re just the same as them!”
Emerson scowls at me, terrifying. “Fuck you!”
“What? It’s the truth, isn’t it?” I taunt him, furious. “Your dad bailed when shit got tough, and your mom cares more about shooting up than taking care of her family. She takes the easy way out, they both do, and now you’re doing the exact same thing!”
As soon as the words leave my mouth, I know they’re a mistake. Emerson goes still, and when he speaks again, his voice is barely a whisper: frighteningly cold. “That’s what you think of me, huh? A trailer trash waste of space.”
I gulp. “That’s not what I meant.”
“No, I get it.” Emerson gives me a bleak, twisted smile. “I just don’t know why you didn’t say something sooner. Hell, why you even bothered sticking it out this long at all, since I’m such a worthless piece of shit.”
“I didn’t say that!” I insist, but he won’t listen.
“I always knew it’s what they thought of me.” Emerson tells me, his eyes black with bitterness. “This town, your parents… But I didn’t care. Because I thought you saw something different in me. You made me feel like I could be something more.”
