All that time wasted, that I’ll never get back.
When she died, I felt the guilt cut through me like a thousand sharp blades, but I was determined I’d made the right decision. Emerson was all that mattered now, the only one I had left in the world—at least, that’s what I thought.
Until the terrible afternoon he walked away and left me there, broken in the rain, and proved her right after all
It takes a moment to gather all my courage before I finally ease it the envelope open and pull out the folded page inside.
The paper crackles as I unfold it, and I inhale in a sharp rush of air. My heart contracts with a deep ache seeing her familiar cursive loop, slanted across the page.
Mommy…
I feel the tears pool in my eyes, and I have to wipe them away with the sleeve of my hoodie before I can focus enough to read.
Dear Emerson,
I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye this summer. You have to understand, I love my daughter more than anything, and I only want the best for her. It breaks my heart to watch her talk about delaying college, and staying here in Cedar Cove with you. This isn’t down to you—I’ve come to see that you love her deeply, in your way, which is why I’m begging you to stop her from making this mistake. She is on the verge of becoming a woman, with a bright future ahead of her. She can have anything she wants: make a career for herself, be independent, and see the world. She can make a happy, stable life far beyond anything I can hope for her. But if she stays here with you, then all of that will be wasted.
She loves you, we both know that. But you and I also both know that staying here with you would ruin her. She may think this is what she wants now, but there’s nothing for her in this town, you have to see. Ask yourself, is this the life you’d choose for her? Is it really everything she deserves? I chose to give up everything for her father over twenty years ago, and there’s not a day that passes when I wish I hadn’t chosen differently.
Juliet is stubborn, she wouldn’t listen to me. I can’t stay to make her understand: once I’m gone, that falls to you. I beg you again, if you love her, don’t let her throw her life away. She will resent you for it soon enough, trust me on that.
I’m putting my faith in you to do what’s right. Please. If you love her the way you claim to do, give her the life she deserves.
Yours,
Jeanette.
I lower the letter, my hands shaking.
I can’t believe it.
This is the reason for my heartbreak and pain? I’m stunned, and dazed, realization washing over me in a wave of clarity. All this time, I believed what Emerson told me that day: that love wasn’t enough. But in a twisted way, he broke things off that summer because he loved me. Because it was my mom’s dying wish. And all this time, he never told me.
He never told me!
I’m reeling. It still doesn’t make sense to me, but looking back now at that final, terrible fight, I can see. How agonized he looked, pulling away from me. How my insults about him being just like his parents must have struck, so harsh and close to home.
He was hurting me to protect me. He was trying to do the right thing.
And now he’s doing the exact same thing, all over again.
My heart splits in two for him. What must it have cost him, to do this for my mom? He must have known I could never have walked away from him, not even if he’d begged. That’s why he acted so cold and harsh to me—not because I wasn’t enough for him, but because he believed I was too good, that I deserved a life without him.
He loved me so much, he let me go.
I feel tears come again, but this time, they’re happy ones: hot with relief, and joy, and the faint edge of bittersweet regret. I think of my mom, even at the end, trying to make a better life for me.
I can’t blame her for this, I understand completely. She gave up everything for Dad, after all. She was planning on going to nursing school when she met him: a dashing foreign exchange student. But he had dreams of being a writer, and so she delayed all her own plans to get a steady job and support them both. Somehow, ‘next year’ never came. She got pregnant with Carina, and then me, and Dad’s debts started piling up, and by then she was too busy desperately trying to hold our family together to pay attention to the plans she’d made for herself.
She built her whole life around him, hanging on to every word. She loved him so much, even when the drinking started, even when she knew it was destroying her.
He was everything to her, and it was her downfall. She thought Emerson would be the same for me, but it’s not true: in letting me go, he proved how different he is. He made the sacrifices for my sake that my Dad never even considered: putting my happiness above everything, even his own heartbreak.
I sob with joy. He loved me!
And maybe he still does now.
I cling to that precious hope like it’s a firefly in the dark night of my soul. I knew he couldn’t mean it, all the things he said today. Not when his body told me a different story last night. He was just trying to get me to leave town again, the same as four years ago. He thinks I’m still better off without him, as if a life without his love is worth anything at all.
I let him push me away once. I can’t make the same mistake again.
I take a shaky breath and put the car in drive, circling carefully back around the lookout point and down the cliff road into town. The storm is howling around me, winds blowing so hard I can feel the car rock. I feel a tremor of panic seeing the rain gush down the steep hill, but I force myself to stay calm, and slowly inch my way back to town.
When she died, I felt the guilt cut through me like a thousand sharp blades, but I was determined I’d made the right decision. Emerson was all that mattered now, the only one I had left in the world—at least, that’s what I thought.
Until the terrible afternoon he walked away and left me there, broken in the rain, and proved her right after all
It takes a moment to gather all my courage before I finally ease it the envelope open and pull out the folded page inside.
The paper crackles as I unfold it, and I inhale in a sharp rush of air. My heart contracts with a deep ache seeing her familiar cursive loop, slanted across the page.
Mommy…
I feel the tears pool in my eyes, and I have to wipe them away with the sleeve of my hoodie before I can focus enough to read.
Dear Emerson,
I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye this summer. You have to understand, I love my daughter more than anything, and I only want the best for her. It breaks my heart to watch her talk about delaying college, and staying here in Cedar Cove with you. This isn’t down to you—I’ve come to see that you love her deeply, in your way, which is why I’m begging you to stop her from making this mistake. She is on the verge of becoming a woman, with a bright future ahead of her. She can have anything she wants: make a career for herself, be independent, and see the world. She can make a happy, stable life far beyond anything I can hope for her. But if she stays here with you, then all of that will be wasted.
She loves you, we both know that. But you and I also both know that staying here with you would ruin her. She may think this is what she wants now, but there’s nothing for her in this town, you have to see. Ask yourself, is this the life you’d choose for her? Is it really everything she deserves? I chose to give up everything for her father over twenty years ago, and there’s not a day that passes when I wish I hadn’t chosen differently.
Juliet is stubborn, she wouldn’t listen to me. I can’t stay to make her understand: once I’m gone, that falls to you. I beg you again, if you love her, don’t let her throw her life away. She will resent you for it soon enough, trust me on that.
I’m putting my faith in you to do what’s right. Please. If you love her the way you claim to do, give her the life she deserves.
Yours,
Jeanette.
I lower the letter, my hands shaking.
I can’t believe it.
This is the reason for my heartbreak and pain? I’m stunned, and dazed, realization washing over me in a wave of clarity. All this time, I believed what Emerson told me that day: that love wasn’t enough. But in a twisted way, he broke things off that summer because he loved me. Because it was my mom’s dying wish. And all this time, he never told me.
He never told me!
I’m reeling. It still doesn’t make sense to me, but looking back now at that final, terrible fight, I can see. How agonized he looked, pulling away from me. How my insults about him being just like his parents must have struck, so harsh and close to home.
He was hurting me to protect me. He was trying to do the right thing.
And now he’s doing the exact same thing, all over again.
My heart splits in two for him. What must it have cost him, to do this for my mom? He must have known I could never have walked away from him, not even if he’d begged. That’s why he acted so cold and harsh to me—not because I wasn’t enough for him, but because he believed I was too good, that I deserved a life without him.
He loved me so much, he let me go.
I feel tears come again, but this time, they’re happy ones: hot with relief, and joy, and the faint edge of bittersweet regret. I think of my mom, even at the end, trying to make a better life for me.
I can’t blame her for this, I understand completely. She gave up everything for Dad, after all. She was planning on going to nursing school when she met him: a dashing foreign exchange student. But he had dreams of being a writer, and so she delayed all her own plans to get a steady job and support them both. Somehow, ‘next year’ never came. She got pregnant with Carina, and then me, and Dad’s debts started piling up, and by then she was too busy desperately trying to hold our family together to pay attention to the plans she’d made for herself.
She built her whole life around him, hanging on to every word. She loved him so much, even when the drinking started, even when she knew it was destroying her.
He was everything to her, and it was her downfall. She thought Emerson would be the same for me, but it’s not true: in letting me go, he proved how different he is. He made the sacrifices for my sake that my Dad never even considered: putting my happiness above everything, even his own heartbreak.
I sob with joy. He loved me!
And maybe he still does now.
I cling to that precious hope like it’s a firefly in the dark night of my soul. I knew he couldn’t mean it, all the things he said today. Not when his body told me a different story last night. He was just trying to get me to leave town again, the same as four years ago. He thinks I’m still better off without him, as if a life without his love is worth anything at all.
I let him push me away once. I can’t make the same mistake again.
I take a shaky breath and put the car in drive, circling carefully back around the lookout point and down the cliff road into town. The storm is howling around me, winds blowing so hard I can feel the car rock. I feel a tremor of panic seeing the rain gush down the steep hill, but I force myself to stay calm, and slowly inch my way back to town.
