Unconditional
Page 24
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Dammit.
I pace the dark beach with angry strides, spurred on by shame and bitter regret. I wasn’t going to kiss her. I pulled away, trying to be strong, but then she called to me, came to me, wrapping her arms around my neck and pulling me down with the softness of her lips until it was more than I could stand.
Her body is a miracle, her kisses like the sweetest poison. She unmanned me, drove me past the point of logic to where there was nothing but heat and need and aching desire, and Lord, don’t I hate myself for it now.
I took advantage, like some kind of animal, preying on her weakness, ignoring the pain in her soul. After everything she’s been through, she needed me to be a better man, and I failed her. Just like the other wretched men who’ve trampled over her feelings, using up her kindness until she’s broken and in pain. She deserved more from me, and I let her down.
But that’s what you do. My darkest secret rears up, goading me. You fail everyone, it’s why you’re all alone. You weren’t good enough to keep your wife, or your precious baby girl, so what makes you think it’s any different now?
I turn to the dark ocean, to the stars taunting me with their brightness in the sky. I sink to the sand, and let the hopelessness consume me, wishing to God I was better than the broken, flawed man that I am.
She needed me, and I let her down.
10
I drive home on autopilot, my head spinning, trying to make sense of everything that’s happened tonight. My room is empty, too still, so I take a blanket and go curl up on the porch swing, listening to the soothing crash of the waves as I turn my mind to the events of the past few hours.
To my surprise, once the hot claw of lust dissolves from my bloodstream, I feel calmer, like my tears have washed me clean. The pain and wretched confusion I’ve been carrying with me has fallen away, left in a dark tangle on the dock where I finally faced up to all my mistakes and told Garrett the truth, came clean about everything I’d done. I stripped away my darkest secrets, turned them to the light, and despite everything, I feel stronger somehow; a seed of hope has slowly taken root in my chest, green and delicate, but new.
Now, I have to start again.
I take a long breath, the sea breeze sharp and cool in my lungs. It’s crazy to be so level-headed when only an hour ago I was gasping, moaning, out of control, but I see it so clearly now, after years of hiding in the dark.
Garrett was right.
I took everything I went through as a child with my father and internalized it somehow, and I wound up playing the same wretched games all over again with each new man in my life. I figured out Alexander’s rules, I danced around the empty truth of our relationship, going through the motions to keep him happy because that’s what I learned from Dad. How to put on a pretty dress and make him laugh, playing to win despite the fact it was all such a hollow victory.
I never once asked what would make me happy.
I didn’t think there could be another way—to build a life, be with someone—because this was all I’d ever seen. Bending to the whim of a powerful, selfish man. Turning my fear and guilt inwards, day after day, until I thought I deserved the way he treated me, like punishment for my former crimes.
I’ve been blaming myself all this time for letting them down: my mother, Juliet. I know they deserved more from me, that I didn’t come through, but now I see there’s someone else I let down as well, who deserved more than I gave her and is worth more than I ever knew.
Me.
Garrett knows me better than I know myself. When he said I’d been punishing myself, it was the truth. I spent my life accepting so little from everyone around me, because deep down, I didn’t believe I was worth anything more.
I’ve been sabotaging myself all this time, too ashamed and guilty to see the truth. That maybe, just maybe, I could be happy. That even after everything, I might deserve the love I’ve seen in my sister’s life, deserve to make a family that wasn’t built on lies.
I want it. God, a part of me aches for it so hard I can barely breathe. And now, having felt the passion in Garrett’s arms, I know I can never go back to the numb, empty kisses of my past. The relationships that were all for show, the perfect life that cracked, bleak and empty below the surface.
This is why I’m really here, I realize, looking out at the ocean, the warm glow of the porch light wrapping around me, safe and sound. I wasn’t running from Alexander, I was running to something, the hope of a better future. The hope that despite my mistakes, it’s not too late to start again, here, in the place I betrayed myself the most.
This is where my childhood ended, torn away with the dying breaths of my mother. And this is where I’ll be strong enough to start again.
I must have fallen asleep to the sound of the waves, because when I wake, it’s morning. I stretch, yawning. The pale light is streaking over the horizon, and everything is still.
Then I see Garrett, drinking coffee on the rocking chair in the corner of the porch.
I yawn, still sleepy. There’s a blanket draped around me, I realize. He must have put it there when he came home last night.
Last night.
Memories flash through my mind. The terrible fight with my father, the way Garrett came to defend me without a second thought. My confession on the dock.
The kiss.
I sit up, suddenly awake. “Hi,” I stammer, feeling my cheeks flush with color. He looks so casual, sitting there, I can’t tell what he’s thinking or how he feels.
But you know how he tastes. You know the sound of his groan, deep against your mouth.
I pace the dark beach with angry strides, spurred on by shame and bitter regret. I wasn’t going to kiss her. I pulled away, trying to be strong, but then she called to me, came to me, wrapping her arms around my neck and pulling me down with the softness of her lips until it was more than I could stand.
Her body is a miracle, her kisses like the sweetest poison. She unmanned me, drove me past the point of logic to where there was nothing but heat and need and aching desire, and Lord, don’t I hate myself for it now.
I took advantage, like some kind of animal, preying on her weakness, ignoring the pain in her soul. After everything she’s been through, she needed me to be a better man, and I failed her. Just like the other wretched men who’ve trampled over her feelings, using up her kindness until she’s broken and in pain. She deserved more from me, and I let her down.
But that’s what you do. My darkest secret rears up, goading me. You fail everyone, it’s why you’re all alone. You weren’t good enough to keep your wife, or your precious baby girl, so what makes you think it’s any different now?
I turn to the dark ocean, to the stars taunting me with their brightness in the sky. I sink to the sand, and let the hopelessness consume me, wishing to God I was better than the broken, flawed man that I am.
She needed me, and I let her down.
10
I drive home on autopilot, my head spinning, trying to make sense of everything that’s happened tonight. My room is empty, too still, so I take a blanket and go curl up on the porch swing, listening to the soothing crash of the waves as I turn my mind to the events of the past few hours.
To my surprise, once the hot claw of lust dissolves from my bloodstream, I feel calmer, like my tears have washed me clean. The pain and wretched confusion I’ve been carrying with me has fallen away, left in a dark tangle on the dock where I finally faced up to all my mistakes and told Garrett the truth, came clean about everything I’d done. I stripped away my darkest secrets, turned them to the light, and despite everything, I feel stronger somehow; a seed of hope has slowly taken root in my chest, green and delicate, but new.
Now, I have to start again.
I take a long breath, the sea breeze sharp and cool in my lungs. It’s crazy to be so level-headed when only an hour ago I was gasping, moaning, out of control, but I see it so clearly now, after years of hiding in the dark.
Garrett was right.
I took everything I went through as a child with my father and internalized it somehow, and I wound up playing the same wretched games all over again with each new man in my life. I figured out Alexander’s rules, I danced around the empty truth of our relationship, going through the motions to keep him happy because that’s what I learned from Dad. How to put on a pretty dress and make him laugh, playing to win despite the fact it was all such a hollow victory.
I never once asked what would make me happy.
I didn’t think there could be another way—to build a life, be with someone—because this was all I’d ever seen. Bending to the whim of a powerful, selfish man. Turning my fear and guilt inwards, day after day, until I thought I deserved the way he treated me, like punishment for my former crimes.
I’ve been blaming myself all this time for letting them down: my mother, Juliet. I know they deserved more from me, that I didn’t come through, but now I see there’s someone else I let down as well, who deserved more than I gave her and is worth more than I ever knew.
Me.
Garrett knows me better than I know myself. When he said I’d been punishing myself, it was the truth. I spent my life accepting so little from everyone around me, because deep down, I didn’t believe I was worth anything more.
I’ve been sabotaging myself all this time, too ashamed and guilty to see the truth. That maybe, just maybe, I could be happy. That even after everything, I might deserve the love I’ve seen in my sister’s life, deserve to make a family that wasn’t built on lies.
I want it. God, a part of me aches for it so hard I can barely breathe. And now, having felt the passion in Garrett’s arms, I know I can never go back to the numb, empty kisses of my past. The relationships that were all for show, the perfect life that cracked, bleak and empty below the surface.
This is why I’m really here, I realize, looking out at the ocean, the warm glow of the porch light wrapping around me, safe and sound. I wasn’t running from Alexander, I was running to something, the hope of a better future. The hope that despite my mistakes, it’s not too late to start again, here, in the place I betrayed myself the most.
This is where my childhood ended, torn away with the dying breaths of my mother. And this is where I’ll be strong enough to start again.
I must have fallen asleep to the sound of the waves, because when I wake, it’s morning. I stretch, yawning. The pale light is streaking over the horizon, and everything is still.
Then I see Garrett, drinking coffee on the rocking chair in the corner of the porch.
I yawn, still sleepy. There’s a blanket draped around me, I realize. He must have put it there when he came home last night.
Last night.
Memories flash through my mind. The terrible fight with my father, the way Garrett came to defend me without a second thought. My confession on the dock.
The kiss.
I sit up, suddenly awake. “Hi,” I stammer, feeling my cheeks flush with color. He looks so casual, sitting there, I can’t tell what he’s thinking or how he feels.
But you know how he tastes. You know the sound of his groan, deep against your mouth.
