I sigh, trying to relax. My whole body is stiff with tension, and I was on a knife’s edge all through breakfast, waiting for Tegan to open her mouth and say the wrong thing. To her, they’re just funny stories from the road, a dozen crazy antics that make for a good yarn, but to me, they’re painful reminders of the man I used to be. I don’t want Alicia knowing that man, not now he’s in the past forever.
Alicia...
I feel a wave of gratitude so large I could drown in the relief of it all. Part of me can’t believe it yet, that she’s standing by me despite everything. But last night, it felt for a glorious moment like I was wiping the slate clean. I told her the truth, every black, selfish thought, all the bitter sins that have been haunting me since that terrible night in London. I thought it would be the end for us, that I would finally push her away.
Instead of leaving, she kissed the pain from my broken heart.
Instead of judging me, she understood.
Instead of blaming me, she offered a glimpse of forgiveness.
I catch my breath, still awed by her grace and kindness. For the first time, I saw that she was right. That Connor’s addiction wasn’t my fault. I still blame myself, I think I always will, but sitting right here on the beach with her, my burden eased, just a little.
In her arms, I was the man I want to be. Without the chorus of blame and wretched guilt driving me half-crazy in my mind. She makes it all stop. She looks at me like I’m worth saving. Like I’m a good man behind the bullshit.
She makes me feel that maybe, just maybe, there’s hope for me yet.
“Hey, big brother.”
I turn. Tegan is making her way towards me, barefoot on the sand. She’s got a couple of sodas in her hand, and she hands me one before dropping to the ground beside me with a thump.
She inhales deeply, the light breeze sending her hair dancing in her eyes as she looks out at the cloudless bay. “OK, so maybe I can see the appeal of this place,” she says with a faint smile.
“Was Paris what you needed?” I ask. My brothers and I fought like crazy over whether we should let her go. It was too soon after rehab, too far away for anyone to help if she got in trouble again. My heart clenches just remembering the call that day. Sirens and screaming and the neon bright hospital wards. A panic so deep I thought I would lose my fucking mind.
She swears it’s behind her, but after Connor, I wasn’t about to make the same mistake. I put my foot down. No fucking way. But in the end, Tegan made the decision for us. She booked her ticket and was half a world away before she called to tell us it was done.
Now, I can see the trip was good for her. She still looks too pale, too fragile, like a strong wind could break her right in two, but there’s a spark back in her eyes. She looks focused and determined, like she’s woken from the daze she was in for so long.
Tegan nods. “I think so. I was good to get away from it all. And you guys too. It’s not that I don’t love you,” she adds quickly. “But it’s three against one. Sometimes, you smother me so much I can barely breathe.”
“We’re only trying to look out for you.” I say gruffly.
She smiles, leaning to rest her head on my shoulder. “I know. But I’m a big girl now, I need to take care of myself.”
I take a breath. She’s my baby sister. There won’t be a day in both our lives I’m not trying to protect her.
But look what a shitty job you’ve done so far.
“Alicia’s interesting.” Tegan says, with a note of amusement in her voice.
I tense. “Interesting how?”
“Relax, big brother,” she laughs. “I just meant, she’s not like the other girls you’ve had around.”
I exhale. “No, no she isn’t.”
Tegan lifts her head, turning to look at me. “Do you like her?”
Her voice is still playful, like we’re sitting around talking about a grade-school crush, but as I try to think of a reply, I feel a fierce possessiveness in my chest that’s no joke.
Words can’t describe the connection that’s growing between Alicia and me. How much I need her, how she drives me out of my mind with desire and hungry need.
“Yes. I like her.”
Tegan thinks about it for a moment, looking out at the waves. “I’m sorry I put you on the spot, about Austin’s show,” she finally says. “I was being a brat.”
“You?” I tease her, shoving lightly. “Never.”
“Hey!” Tegan shoves me back, harder, so I go sprawling in the sand. “I’m worried about you, big brother.”
“Me? I’m doing just fine.”
“Sure.” Tegan narrows her eyes. “That might play with Blake and Ash, but I know you. Music is a part of who you are,” she says fervently. “It’s in your blood. Putting down that guitar is like, like cutting off an arm! I just don’t understand why you’re shutting the band out, pretending like you don’t want to be out on the road again, in the studio where you belong.”
Tegan is giving a voice to all the cruel voices I’ve been fighting to keep back all this time. She thinks she’s helping me, but the truth is, she’s the devil right now: tempting me to the edge of destruction with a whisper of the past.
“I can’t go back,” I tell her, hollow. “It’s too dangerous. If I go down that path again…someone’s going to get hurt.”
Tegan swallows, her face flickering with memories. “You always said what happened to Connor, it wasn’t my fault,” she whispers.
Alicia...
I feel a wave of gratitude so large I could drown in the relief of it all. Part of me can’t believe it yet, that she’s standing by me despite everything. But last night, it felt for a glorious moment like I was wiping the slate clean. I told her the truth, every black, selfish thought, all the bitter sins that have been haunting me since that terrible night in London. I thought it would be the end for us, that I would finally push her away.
Instead of leaving, she kissed the pain from my broken heart.
Instead of judging me, she understood.
Instead of blaming me, she offered a glimpse of forgiveness.
I catch my breath, still awed by her grace and kindness. For the first time, I saw that she was right. That Connor’s addiction wasn’t my fault. I still blame myself, I think I always will, but sitting right here on the beach with her, my burden eased, just a little.
In her arms, I was the man I want to be. Without the chorus of blame and wretched guilt driving me half-crazy in my mind. She makes it all stop. She looks at me like I’m worth saving. Like I’m a good man behind the bullshit.
She makes me feel that maybe, just maybe, there’s hope for me yet.
“Hey, big brother.”
I turn. Tegan is making her way towards me, barefoot on the sand. She’s got a couple of sodas in her hand, and she hands me one before dropping to the ground beside me with a thump.
She inhales deeply, the light breeze sending her hair dancing in her eyes as she looks out at the cloudless bay. “OK, so maybe I can see the appeal of this place,” she says with a faint smile.
“Was Paris what you needed?” I ask. My brothers and I fought like crazy over whether we should let her go. It was too soon after rehab, too far away for anyone to help if she got in trouble again. My heart clenches just remembering the call that day. Sirens and screaming and the neon bright hospital wards. A panic so deep I thought I would lose my fucking mind.
She swears it’s behind her, but after Connor, I wasn’t about to make the same mistake. I put my foot down. No fucking way. But in the end, Tegan made the decision for us. She booked her ticket and was half a world away before she called to tell us it was done.
Now, I can see the trip was good for her. She still looks too pale, too fragile, like a strong wind could break her right in two, but there’s a spark back in her eyes. She looks focused and determined, like she’s woken from the daze she was in for so long.
Tegan nods. “I think so. I was good to get away from it all. And you guys too. It’s not that I don’t love you,” she adds quickly. “But it’s three against one. Sometimes, you smother me so much I can barely breathe.”
“We’re only trying to look out for you.” I say gruffly.
She smiles, leaning to rest her head on my shoulder. “I know. But I’m a big girl now, I need to take care of myself.”
I take a breath. She’s my baby sister. There won’t be a day in both our lives I’m not trying to protect her.
But look what a shitty job you’ve done so far.
“Alicia’s interesting.” Tegan says, with a note of amusement in her voice.
I tense. “Interesting how?”
“Relax, big brother,” she laughs. “I just meant, she’s not like the other girls you’ve had around.”
I exhale. “No, no she isn’t.”
Tegan lifts her head, turning to look at me. “Do you like her?”
Her voice is still playful, like we’re sitting around talking about a grade-school crush, but as I try to think of a reply, I feel a fierce possessiveness in my chest that’s no joke.
Words can’t describe the connection that’s growing between Alicia and me. How much I need her, how she drives me out of my mind with desire and hungry need.
“Yes. I like her.”
Tegan thinks about it for a moment, looking out at the waves. “I’m sorry I put you on the spot, about Austin’s show,” she finally says. “I was being a brat.”
“You?” I tease her, shoving lightly. “Never.”
“Hey!” Tegan shoves me back, harder, so I go sprawling in the sand. “I’m worried about you, big brother.”
“Me? I’m doing just fine.”
“Sure.” Tegan narrows her eyes. “That might play with Blake and Ash, but I know you. Music is a part of who you are,” she says fervently. “It’s in your blood. Putting down that guitar is like, like cutting off an arm! I just don’t understand why you’re shutting the band out, pretending like you don’t want to be out on the road again, in the studio where you belong.”
Tegan is giving a voice to all the cruel voices I’ve been fighting to keep back all this time. She thinks she’s helping me, but the truth is, she’s the devil right now: tempting me to the edge of destruction with a whisper of the past.
“I can’t go back,” I tell her, hollow. “It’s too dangerous. If I go down that path again…someone’s going to get hurt.”
Tegan swallows, her face flickering with memories. “You always said what happened to Connor, it wasn’t my fault,” she whispers.
