She’s never looked at me that way.
The truth cuts me to the core, confirming my darkest fears in an instant. I bared my soul to her, carved myself wide open to show her the most ugly, hidden parts of myself, hoping she could love me for the broken, fucked up man I am.
But I should have known she’d never love me back.
I’m not good enough. I’ll never be good enough for a girl like her.
I’ve used up all my second chances; my crimes are too great to find forgiveness now.
The taunts build, every dark thought whirling through me, a crescendo of cruel blame driving me further into the abyss away from thought and logic.
Nothing makes sense to me, only the pain beating in my chest.
All you’ll do is hurt her, destroy every good thing you touch. No wonder she’d rather love a fantasy than spend her life with you.
“Dex,” Alicia whimpers, pressing against me. She wants to pull away, but I know how to keep her locked in place, the way to make her body melt. I lick down her throat, devouring her tender flesh. She makes a moaning sound, arching up against me, and the irony could break my fucking heart in two.
Her body is mine, but her heart never will be.
I need her more than anything, but could I ever settle for that?
31.
ALICIA
I yield to him by instinct, falling into his embrace. I can taste the desperate emotion in his kiss, feel the anguish as he forces my lips apart, plunging his tongue deep to claim my mouth.
“You still want me,” Dex growls, pulling away. He pushes his thigh between my legs, molding my body to his hard contours, sending friction like stardust through my body as he grinds against me. “I know you, baby, I know the way you feel. Tell me you don’t feel it,” he demands, but my head is spinning too much to make a sound, and then he kisses me again, raw and ravenous. For a moment I’m caught in his animal force, sinking into the madness.
But this is wrong, all wrong. He’s kissing me with anger, not passion, no sign of tenderness in his eyes.
“Dex,” I wrench away. He doesn’t let go, trying to kiss me harder, hold me tighter, until I place my hands against his chest and shove back with all my might. “Dex, stop!”
My voice echoes. A look of horror skitters across his face. He stumbles back, from me, breathing hard.
Silence.
“What’s happening?” I plead with him, my voice breaking. “What do you want me to say? I’ve told you, I’m not in love with him like that anymore. I care about you, Dex. This is real to me too!”
“So tell me you’ll never see him again,” Dex demands. “Tell me you love me, that you’ll be mine. Only mine. That you’ll cut him out of your life forever.”
I gulp. “I can’t do that,” I say weakly. “He’s my friend.”
Dex makes a noise of derision. “Bullshit. You’re still in love with him.”
“No,” I tell him, feeling a first spark of anger. “You’re not listening to me. You don’t get to say who I’m friends with, or make those kinds of demands. I’ve known Hunter for years. You’ve been in my life less than a week!”
“And I knew the first night we met that you were the one for me,” Dex counters, his dark eyes bright with intensity. “You’re everything to me, Alicia. I would marry you tomorrow, hell, right this fucking minute if you just said the word. But you won’t, will you? You don’t love me, not like him.”
Marry me?
My head spins. This is crazy, he has to see, he’s not making any sense!
“This is happening too fast!” I protest. I see Dex’s face harden in steely determination. He’s shutting down. I feel a lurch of panic. He’s slipping away from me, but I can’t give him what he wants, I can’t even think straight. “Dex, I’m not like you, I can’t just take a running leap like this. I need time, I need to figure this out.”
“It’s simple, Alicia,” Dex stares at me sadly. “Either you feel it, you know for sure. Or you don’t.”
I catch my breath, my heart racing. What does he want me to say? That I love him? That I want everything he has to give?
How can I know that so soon? It doesn’t make sense!
But you know. You felt it in his arms. You belong to each other now.
No. I shake my head slowly, clinging to logic and reason, the only things that make sense to me in this whirlwind of emotion. I can’t. Love isn’t a game to me, a cliff you leap off with your eyes squeezed shut. I’ve spent my whole adult life being irrational—clinging to my dreams of Hunter instead of building something real. I can’t make that same mistake again, my heart won’t take the hit.
Dex is certain, so sure I’m the one. But what happens if we’re wrong? He’s the wild rock star, the spontaneous, reckless daredevil. And me? I need a solid ground beneath my feet. I don’t take risks. I don’t gamble on the most important thing of all.
“I can’t be like you,” I whisper, tears stinging in the corner of my eyes. “You know that, Dex. Please don’t make this all or nothing. We can talk about it.”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” he says, his voice hollow. “The deal was a week, right? That’s all this was ever supposed to be. Just a fling, some cheap thrills.” His grin turns twisted, “I’d say you got your money’s worth, don’t you think, sweetheart?”
I feel like he’s just taken a knife to my gut. “Don’t say that.”
The truth cuts me to the core, confirming my darkest fears in an instant. I bared my soul to her, carved myself wide open to show her the most ugly, hidden parts of myself, hoping she could love me for the broken, fucked up man I am.
But I should have known she’d never love me back.
I’m not good enough. I’ll never be good enough for a girl like her.
I’ve used up all my second chances; my crimes are too great to find forgiveness now.
The taunts build, every dark thought whirling through me, a crescendo of cruel blame driving me further into the abyss away from thought and logic.
Nothing makes sense to me, only the pain beating in my chest.
All you’ll do is hurt her, destroy every good thing you touch. No wonder she’d rather love a fantasy than spend her life with you.
“Dex,” Alicia whimpers, pressing against me. She wants to pull away, but I know how to keep her locked in place, the way to make her body melt. I lick down her throat, devouring her tender flesh. She makes a moaning sound, arching up against me, and the irony could break my fucking heart in two.
Her body is mine, but her heart never will be.
I need her more than anything, but could I ever settle for that?
31.
ALICIA
I yield to him by instinct, falling into his embrace. I can taste the desperate emotion in his kiss, feel the anguish as he forces my lips apart, plunging his tongue deep to claim my mouth.
“You still want me,” Dex growls, pulling away. He pushes his thigh between my legs, molding my body to his hard contours, sending friction like stardust through my body as he grinds against me. “I know you, baby, I know the way you feel. Tell me you don’t feel it,” he demands, but my head is spinning too much to make a sound, and then he kisses me again, raw and ravenous. For a moment I’m caught in his animal force, sinking into the madness.
But this is wrong, all wrong. He’s kissing me with anger, not passion, no sign of tenderness in his eyes.
“Dex,” I wrench away. He doesn’t let go, trying to kiss me harder, hold me tighter, until I place my hands against his chest and shove back with all my might. “Dex, stop!”
My voice echoes. A look of horror skitters across his face. He stumbles back, from me, breathing hard.
Silence.
“What’s happening?” I plead with him, my voice breaking. “What do you want me to say? I’ve told you, I’m not in love with him like that anymore. I care about you, Dex. This is real to me too!”
“So tell me you’ll never see him again,” Dex demands. “Tell me you love me, that you’ll be mine. Only mine. That you’ll cut him out of your life forever.”
I gulp. “I can’t do that,” I say weakly. “He’s my friend.”
Dex makes a noise of derision. “Bullshit. You’re still in love with him.”
“No,” I tell him, feeling a first spark of anger. “You’re not listening to me. You don’t get to say who I’m friends with, or make those kinds of demands. I’ve known Hunter for years. You’ve been in my life less than a week!”
“And I knew the first night we met that you were the one for me,” Dex counters, his dark eyes bright with intensity. “You’re everything to me, Alicia. I would marry you tomorrow, hell, right this fucking minute if you just said the word. But you won’t, will you? You don’t love me, not like him.”
Marry me?
My head spins. This is crazy, he has to see, he’s not making any sense!
“This is happening too fast!” I protest. I see Dex’s face harden in steely determination. He’s shutting down. I feel a lurch of panic. He’s slipping away from me, but I can’t give him what he wants, I can’t even think straight. “Dex, I’m not like you, I can’t just take a running leap like this. I need time, I need to figure this out.”
“It’s simple, Alicia,” Dex stares at me sadly. “Either you feel it, you know for sure. Or you don’t.”
I catch my breath, my heart racing. What does he want me to say? That I love him? That I want everything he has to give?
How can I know that so soon? It doesn’t make sense!
But you know. You felt it in his arms. You belong to each other now.
No. I shake my head slowly, clinging to logic and reason, the only things that make sense to me in this whirlwind of emotion. I can’t. Love isn’t a game to me, a cliff you leap off with your eyes squeezed shut. I’ve spent my whole adult life being irrational—clinging to my dreams of Hunter instead of building something real. I can’t make that same mistake again, my heart won’t take the hit.
Dex is certain, so sure I’m the one. But what happens if we’re wrong? He’s the wild rock star, the spontaneous, reckless daredevil. And me? I need a solid ground beneath my feet. I don’t take risks. I don’t gamble on the most important thing of all.
“I can’t be like you,” I whisper, tears stinging in the corner of my eyes. “You know that, Dex. Please don’t make this all or nothing. We can talk about it.”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” he says, his voice hollow. “The deal was a week, right? That’s all this was ever supposed to be. Just a fling, some cheap thrills.” His grin turns twisted, “I’d say you got your money’s worth, don’t you think, sweetheart?”
I feel like he’s just taken a knife to my gut. “Don’t say that.”
