United as One
Page 40
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I look down at the floor. It occurs to me then why I’ve been giving her such a detailed account. Obviously, Marina should know what’s going on with our war, but it’s more than that.
She doesn’t know.
I’m avoiding telling her about Sarah.
I haven’t had to do that yet. Haven’t had to break the news. Haven’t even actually said the words.
Marina watches me expectantly. She knows that something isn’t right.
“Sarah, she . . .” I rub my hands over my face. I can’t look at Marina when I say it, have to stare at the floor. “She didn’t make it.”
Marina covers her mouth with her hand. “No.”
“She was trying to help Six, and Setrákus Ra . . .” I shake my head, not wanting to picture it. “She saved Six, even wounded, but she lost so much blood. . . .”
Marina grabs hold of me. Her one arm goes around my shoulders, her other hand goes behind my head and she squeezes me tightly. It’s only when I feel her arms around me that I realize how tense I’ve been, so rigid that I can barely relax into the hug. This doesn’t stop Marina, though. I let out a deep breath and am surprised to hear myself shudder. It’s been so chaotic—I didn’t realize how badly I needed something like this. For a moment, I rest my forehead against her shoulder, and I feel something inside me break. My vision gets blurry, and I squeeze Marina back, probably harder than I should, although she doesn’t say anything.
I realize my cheeks are wet. Hurriedly, I let go of Marina and wipe off my face.
“God, John, I am so sorry. I am so . . .” Marina pauses and looks down at her hands. “If I hadn’t been . . . I could’ve done something. I could’ve saved her.”
“Don’t,” I reply. “Don’t even think like that. It isn’t true, and it doesn’t lead anywhere good.”
Both of us fall silent, sitting next to each other on one of the infirmary’s stiff cots. Marina leans against me and holds my hand. Both of us stare down at the speckled-tile floor.
After a little while, Marina begins to speak softly. “After Eight was killed, I was so angry. It wasn’t just the way it happened. It wasn’t just that I was falling in love with him. It was . . . we’ve all lost people before, you know? But with Eight, he was—he was the first person I imagined a future with. Does that make sense? Growing up in the monastery, with Adelina avoiding my training, denying the war—it was like knowing a disaster was coming and taking no precautions. Like doom was always right around the corner, just a few more scars to go before they’d come for me. I prayed with the sisters, heard them talk about heaven like the humans believe, but I never dared imagine myself in that world. I never imagined an after . . . an after anything. Not until I met Eight. I could imagine what might happen next when I was with him. And the present, that got better, too. When Five killed him, all that got taken away. I felt . . . I still feel . . . cheated, I guess. Robbed.”
I nod along with Marina’s words. “I met Sarah right after the third scar, when I was next. Marked for death. It should’ve been the worst time of my life, but somehow, meeting her, she made it all better. My Cêpan, Henri, he thought I was nuts. I think he understood eventually, though. She gave me something to fight for. Kinda like what you said, it felt like there was finally something beyond just surviving for the sake of more surviving. And now . . .”
“And now,” Marina repeats, her voice sad and thoughtful. “Now what do we do?”
“Nothing left to do but finish this,” I say, feeling my muscles tighten at the words. Marina doesn’t loosen her grip on my hand.
“At the Sanctuary, before Setrákus Ra destroyed it, the Loric Entity let me speak with Eight,” Marina says. I give her a stunned look. I didn’t know something like that was even possible. She smiles sadly in response. “It was so brief, just a few seconds. But it was really him, John. It gave me faith that there could be something more. It isn’t all darkness and death.”
I turn away from her. I know she’s trying to give me hope. I’m just not ready for that yet. The only thing I want is revenge.
“Afterwards, I felt such a sense of peace. My anger was gone.” Marina chuckles harshly, as if remembering what happened a few minutes ago, how she nearly took Five’s remaining eye out. “Obviously, it didn’t last. I’ve tried—I’ve always tried—to live honorably, righteously, the way the Elders would want. In the face of everything that’s happened, I’ve tried to hold on to myself. Yet all it takes is seeing Five in the hallway to bring out the worst in me, to make the rage come back.”
She doesn’t know.
I’m avoiding telling her about Sarah.
I haven’t had to do that yet. Haven’t had to break the news. Haven’t even actually said the words.
Marina watches me expectantly. She knows that something isn’t right.
“Sarah, she . . .” I rub my hands over my face. I can’t look at Marina when I say it, have to stare at the floor. “She didn’t make it.”
Marina covers her mouth with her hand. “No.”
“She was trying to help Six, and Setrákus Ra . . .” I shake my head, not wanting to picture it. “She saved Six, even wounded, but she lost so much blood. . . .”
Marina grabs hold of me. Her one arm goes around my shoulders, her other hand goes behind my head and she squeezes me tightly. It’s only when I feel her arms around me that I realize how tense I’ve been, so rigid that I can barely relax into the hug. This doesn’t stop Marina, though. I let out a deep breath and am surprised to hear myself shudder. It’s been so chaotic—I didn’t realize how badly I needed something like this. For a moment, I rest my forehead against her shoulder, and I feel something inside me break. My vision gets blurry, and I squeeze Marina back, probably harder than I should, although she doesn’t say anything.
I realize my cheeks are wet. Hurriedly, I let go of Marina and wipe off my face.
“God, John, I am so sorry. I am so . . .” Marina pauses and looks down at her hands. “If I hadn’t been . . . I could’ve done something. I could’ve saved her.”
“Don’t,” I reply. “Don’t even think like that. It isn’t true, and it doesn’t lead anywhere good.”
Both of us fall silent, sitting next to each other on one of the infirmary’s stiff cots. Marina leans against me and holds my hand. Both of us stare down at the speckled-tile floor.
After a little while, Marina begins to speak softly. “After Eight was killed, I was so angry. It wasn’t just the way it happened. It wasn’t just that I was falling in love with him. It was . . . we’ve all lost people before, you know? But with Eight, he was—he was the first person I imagined a future with. Does that make sense? Growing up in the monastery, with Adelina avoiding my training, denying the war—it was like knowing a disaster was coming and taking no precautions. Like doom was always right around the corner, just a few more scars to go before they’d come for me. I prayed with the sisters, heard them talk about heaven like the humans believe, but I never dared imagine myself in that world. I never imagined an after . . . an after anything. Not until I met Eight. I could imagine what might happen next when I was with him. And the present, that got better, too. When Five killed him, all that got taken away. I felt . . . I still feel . . . cheated, I guess. Robbed.”
I nod along with Marina’s words. “I met Sarah right after the third scar, when I was next. Marked for death. It should’ve been the worst time of my life, but somehow, meeting her, she made it all better. My Cêpan, Henri, he thought I was nuts. I think he understood eventually, though. She gave me something to fight for. Kinda like what you said, it felt like there was finally something beyond just surviving for the sake of more surviving. And now . . .”
“And now,” Marina repeats, her voice sad and thoughtful. “Now what do we do?”
“Nothing left to do but finish this,” I say, feeling my muscles tighten at the words. Marina doesn’t loosen her grip on my hand.
“At the Sanctuary, before Setrákus Ra destroyed it, the Loric Entity let me speak with Eight,” Marina says. I give her a stunned look. I didn’t know something like that was even possible. She smiles sadly in response. “It was so brief, just a few seconds. But it was really him, John. It gave me faith that there could be something more. It isn’t all darkness and death.”
I turn away from her. I know she’s trying to give me hope. I’m just not ready for that yet. The only thing I want is revenge.
“Afterwards, I felt such a sense of peace. My anger was gone.” Marina chuckles harshly, as if remembering what happened a few minutes ago, how she nearly took Five’s remaining eye out. “Obviously, it didn’t last. I’ve tried—I’ve always tried—to live honorably, righteously, the way the Elders would want. In the face of everything that’s happened, I’ve tried to hold on to myself. Yet all it takes is seeing Five in the hallway to bring out the worst in me, to make the rage come back.”
