I guess he’s confident I’m not going anywhere, because he releases me. His mistake. He turns partially to shut the door, and when he faces me fully again, I’m ready for him. I unleash.
My hand lashes out and smacks him across the cheek. His head snaps back, an oath bursting from his lips.
You would think I’d be accustomed to violence by now. Especially violence committed by my very own hands. But my stomach instantly knots. I’m going to be sick. My throat constricts, keeping the bile down. My eyes burn.
I press my palm against the outside of my thigh. The sting there rivals the discomfort squeezing my chest.
“What the hell was that for?” he demands.
“How dare you?” My voice quivers, betraying me. I’m not the cool, calculated carrier. When I hurt someone, everything in me hurts, too. Especially when I hurt him.
His eyes blaze down at me, more amber-red than brown, and I fight against the shiver threatening to roll through me. Fitting, I suppose, for a carrier to have red eyes. It’s a healthy reminder of what he is . . . that he snapped back there when he got into it with Marcus. That I’m in an enclosed space with a dangerous person.
“How dare me?” He fingers his cheek where my handprint stands out starkly. “That’s the thanks I get for saving your life? What count is this, Davy? I’ve lost track.”
I flinch but refuse to let him play with my head. I don’t owe him. I’m on my own. Owing him is like handing him a piece of me, and I have to keep myself intact.
“I could have handled Marcus. You didn’t need to rush in. And you really didn’t need to haul me in here and announce that I’m staying with you. You don’t own me. I’m not your property!”
“I didn’t say—”
“You may as well have. What were you thinking?”
“That’s the only thing they understand.” He waves an arm wide. “I did it to protect you . . . just like you protected me back there when you told everyone you were staying.” He cocks an eyebrow, taunting me. “Unless that was true and you had a change of heart?”
“I’m not staying!” I hiss. “I felt sorry for you. Marcus was going to turn everyone against you.”
That wipes the smile from his face. “What did you just tell me? You can handle yourself? Well, ditto, baby.”
“Don’t worry. I won’t get involved again. I’m only here until the next crossing—”
“Yeah. You’ve only told me that a hundred times.” He moves in, stalking me, no more the smiling Caden who left me so bewildered in the beginning. Now he looks every bit the menacing carrier. This I know. This I understand.
I back away, my feet shuffling, veering away from the bed. I collide with the wall. Maybe not the softest destination but safer.
Wall at my back, Caden at my front, I hold myself still and meet his stare.
“So you lied for me because you felt sorry for me?”
I nod, maybe too quickly.
“Interesting.” The word is uttered calmly, but he looks far from calm. He looks furious.
“They need you here.” I shake my head. “You. Not Marcus.”
He angles his head, the anger draining from his expression. “You care about everyone in this compound so much then?” His gaze roams my face, but he looks skeptical. “Why don’t you just admit you care about me?”
I swallow, wishing I had somewhere to go—that there wasn’t a wall at my back. “I just wanted to undermine Marcus. He wants everyone to doubt you . . . and apparently that means convincing them this lockdown is your attempt to keep me here.” I shrug. “Which is really a stupid, far-fetched idea anyway, but whatever.”
He lifts a short, butchered wisp of hair from beside my ear and rubs it between his fingers like he’s testing the texture. “Is it so far-fetched for someone to want to keep you around?”
A lump the size of a golf ball forms in my throat.
“No one keeps me. I’m not a pet.”
He inclines his head but still holds on to my hair like it’s something too precious to let go. “No. You’re like some wild bird, aren’t you? Batting its wings and flying against the cage door. Even if it hurts you. Even if it kills you. You won’t stop. Even if no one is out to hurt you, you won’t stop.” He tucks that strand of hair behind my ear, and I flinch at the brush of his fingers on my skin.
I shrug, slap at his hand. “So what? You just described everyone in here. All of us.”
“No, the rest of us will keep to this cage. It’s protection from the dangers outside. In here, we have shelter. Freedom. Each other. We wait for the door to open, and when it’s safe, only then do we go out. You? You don’t care as long as you’re gone. Away from the rest of us. From everyone. Me.”
My eyes flare at his whispered me. Can he know how hard I have to fight myself around him? I stare at him, at those flecks of red-gold in his brown eyes. Everything he says is too close, too real, and the rawness that I felt before he carried me in this room is ten times worse.
“But you care.” His eyes glow hotly. “I know you do.”
“Why? Because I told one little lie for you? Get over yourself. It’s not about caring. It’s about doing the right thing.”
“Such a little machine, aren’t you?” he taunts. “With no feeling? No heart?” The words fly fast, his teeth a snap of white in his tanned face. “That’s what you want me to think, isn’t it?”
My hand lashes out and smacks him across the cheek. His head snaps back, an oath bursting from his lips.
You would think I’d be accustomed to violence by now. Especially violence committed by my very own hands. But my stomach instantly knots. I’m going to be sick. My throat constricts, keeping the bile down. My eyes burn.
I press my palm against the outside of my thigh. The sting there rivals the discomfort squeezing my chest.
“What the hell was that for?” he demands.
“How dare you?” My voice quivers, betraying me. I’m not the cool, calculated carrier. When I hurt someone, everything in me hurts, too. Especially when I hurt him.
His eyes blaze down at me, more amber-red than brown, and I fight against the shiver threatening to roll through me. Fitting, I suppose, for a carrier to have red eyes. It’s a healthy reminder of what he is . . . that he snapped back there when he got into it with Marcus. That I’m in an enclosed space with a dangerous person.
“How dare me?” He fingers his cheek where my handprint stands out starkly. “That’s the thanks I get for saving your life? What count is this, Davy? I’ve lost track.”
I flinch but refuse to let him play with my head. I don’t owe him. I’m on my own. Owing him is like handing him a piece of me, and I have to keep myself intact.
“I could have handled Marcus. You didn’t need to rush in. And you really didn’t need to haul me in here and announce that I’m staying with you. You don’t own me. I’m not your property!”
“I didn’t say—”
“You may as well have. What were you thinking?”
“That’s the only thing they understand.” He waves an arm wide. “I did it to protect you . . . just like you protected me back there when you told everyone you were staying.” He cocks an eyebrow, taunting me. “Unless that was true and you had a change of heart?”
“I’m not staying!” I hiss. “I felt sorry for you. Marcus was going to turn everyone against you.”
That wipes the smile from his face. “What did you just tell me? You can handle yourself? Well, ditto, baby.”
“Don’t worry. I won’t get involved again. I’m only here until the next crossing—”
“Yeah. You’ve only told me that a hundred times.” He moves in, stalking me, no more the smiling Caden who left me so bewildered in the beginning. Now he looks every bit the menacing carrier. This I know. This I understand.
I back away, my feet shuffling, veering away from the bed. I collide with the wall. Maybe not the softest destination but safer.
Wall at my back, Caden at my front, I hold myself still and meet his stare.
“So you lied for me because you felt sorry for me?”
I nod, maybe too quickly.
“Interesting.” The word is uttered calmly, but he looks far from calm. He looks furious.
“They need you here.” I shake my head. “You. Not Marcus.”
He angles his head, the anger draining from his expression. “You care about everyone in this compound so much then?” His gaze roams my face, but he looks skeptical. “Why don’t you just admit you care about me?”
I swallow, wishing I had somewhere to go—that there wasn’t a wall at my back. “I just wanted to undermine Marcus. He wants everyone to doubt you . . . and apparently that means convincing them this lockdown is your attempt to keep me here.” I shrug. “Which is really a stupid, far-fetched idea anyway, but whatever.”
He lifts a short, butchered wisp of hair from beside my ear and rubs it between his fingers like he’s testing the texture. “Is it so far-fetched for someone to want to keep you around?”
A lump the size of a golf ball forms in my throat.
“No one keeps me. I’m not a pet.”
He inclines his head but still holds on to my hair like it’s something too precious to let go. “No. You’re like some wild bird, aren’t you? Batting its wings and flying against the cage door. Even if it hurts you. Even if it kills you. You won’t stop. Even if no one is out to hurt you, you won’t stop.” He tucks that strand of hair behind my ear, and I flinch at the brush of his fingers on my skin.
I shrug, slap at his hand. “So what? You just described everyone in here. All of us.”
“No, the rest of us will keep to this cage. It’s protection from the dangers outside. In here, we have shelter. Freedom. Each other. We wait for the door to open, and when it’s safe, only then do we go out. You? You don’t care as long as you’re gone. Away from the rest of us. From everyone. Me.”
My eyes flare at his whispered me. Can he know how hard I have to fight myself around him? I stare at him, at those flecks of red-gold in his brown eyes. Everything he says is too close, too real, and the rawness that I felt before he carried me in this room is ten times worse.
“But you care.” His eyes glow hotly. “I know you do.”
“Why? Because I told one little lie for you? Get over yourself. It’s not about caring. It’s about doing the right thing.”
“Such a little machine, aren’t you?” he taunts. “With no feeling? No heart?” The words fly fast, his teeth a snap of white in his tanned face. “That’s what you want me to think, isn’t it?”
