He’s gone.
Not forever, I remind myself, already reaching for my phone. Just until I can bring him back.
I check my messages with a surge of hope, dialing through to my voicemail just in case my phone glitched and didn’t alert me, but the reply is the same as every morning.
“You have no new messages…”
I sink back into the pillows and exhale a long breath.
Where are you, Ryland?
My alarm sounds, so I climb out of bed and get ready for the day ahead. The Hollywood Hills are bright outside the windows as I take a shower and pick out a cute outfit; pin my hair back and smooth on a quick dab of lip gloss before bounding downstairs to the kitchen, where Blake is doubled over, sweating from his morning run.
“Water,” he gasps. “Dying.”
I step around him and fill a glass from the sink. “I don’t know why you do this to yourself.” I hand it over and watch him gulp, still gasping for air. “Would it kill you to sleep in past ten one of these days?”
Blake shakes his head. “Sleeping won’t land me that new superhero movie. They’re already talking to Ryan and Chris.” He goes to the blender and starts adding fruit, protein powder, and a couple of raw eggs.
“Gross.” I shudder.
“Nutritious.” He grins, waving the blender of sludgy mixture towards me. “Want some?”
“Eww.” I back away, laughing. “Get that thing away from me!”
Blake sets it back to blend. He glances over, concern creeping into his blue eyes. “Want to come hang out on set today?” he asks casually. “It’s just a couple of reshoots, but it should be fun.”
“I’m fine.”
“I didn’t say you weren’t,” Blake corrects me.
“But it’s written all over your face. Relax,” I tell him. “I have a shift at the office.” I check the clock on the wall, then grab some fruit from the bowl on the counter. “Which means I need to get going. See you later!”
I drive down through the canyon and take Sunset Boulevard all the way down towards Santa Monica. The sky is blue overhead and the weather is still warm enough to roll the windows down and feel the breeze on my bare arms. The seasons never change out here, but across the country in Beachwood Bay, fall is blustering into winter: the waves churning high against the shore, the tourist stores all shuttered for the season. I like the winter, I wouldn’t have minded the cold: bundling up in sweaters and hibernating by the fire.
Without Ryland, there’s no reason for me to stay.
I cruise down the winding roads, lost in bittersweet memories. Waking up that morning in the half-finished house to find Ryland gone, I thought it was all a mistake—that he’d gone to get us coffee and breakfast, or surprise me with some other thoughtful gesture.
Then I found the note and realized, he wasn’t coming back.
I’m sorry. I can’t put you in danger. This is my debt to pay.
Please know this isn’t about you. If I could, I would spend forever right here loving you. You’re the best thing I’ve ever had, and that’s why I won’t see you hurt by my mistakes.
Don’t wait for me.
Just a few short lines, but it told me everything I needed to know. Ryland was already miles away, heading back to the life he’d sworn to leave behind. To keep me safe, to protect his family. He would sacrifice everything he was working so hard to build just to give them a chance at happiness.
To give me what he thought I should have, when really, all I want is him.
I cried all morning before driving back to the beach house. Blake was waiting; he took one look at my face and tried to book me on the next flight home. I fought him for a while, until I went to see Brit and Hunter. I thought maybe she might have some idea where he’d gone, but it turned out, he’d already called. Told her some flimsy excuse about getting itchy feet; the town was too small to hold him, after all.
I could see the pity in her eyes when she broke the news to me. She didn’t understand. She believed the worst in her brother because he’d never let her see the best. How much he’d given already to keep her safe in her own world; and how much he’d keep paying to make sure she never knew the truth.
I couldn’t tell her. He’d made me promise never to utter a word about Driskell and their mom, and even though it broke my heart to just walk away, he’d given me no choice.
If I was going to find him, it would have to be on my own.
Now, the same possibilities run through my mind as I drive to work. I’ve already tried retracing Ryland’s steps back from Vegas and his life before, but there’s nothing there except dead ends and shadows. If I’m going to find him, I need to find this Driskell guy first, but whatever world he’s mixed up in, he keeps a low profile.
Makes sense. Criminal bosses don’t exactly leave a forwarding address.
If only Ryland would trust me…
He thinks he’s doing the right thing, going back to Driskell, but he doesn’t realize he isn’t alone. All these years he’s shouldered the burden of his debt, he’s been so used to saving the day on his own. Nobody to lean on, nobody to reach out and help.
He wants to protect me, but he couldn’t be more wrong. I won’t give up on him.
We’re in this together, whether he knows it or not.
My new job is in an anonymous office block halfway to the ocean. An open-plan room on the third floor is filled with narrow cubicles, the AC rarely works, and my paycheck is zero.
Not forever, I remind myself, already reaching for my phone. Just until I can bring him back.
I check my messages with a surge of hope, dialing through to my voicemail just in case my phone glitched and didn’t alert me, but the reply is the same as every morning.
“You have no new messages…”
I sink back into the pillows and exhale a long breath.
Where are you, Ryland?
My alarm sounds, so I climb out of bed and get ready for the day ahead. The Hollywood Hills are bright outside the windows as I take a shower and pick out a cute outfit; pin my hair back and smooth on a quick dab of lip gloss before bounding downstairs to the kitchen, where Blake is doubled over, sweating from his morning run.
“Water,” he gasps. “Dying.”
I step around him and fill a glass from the sink. “I don’t know why you do this to yourself.” I hand it over and watch him gulp, still gasping for air. “Would it kill you to sleep in past ten one of these days?”
Blake shakes his head. “Sleeping won’t land me that new superhero movie. They’re already talking to Ryan and Chris.” He goes to the blender and starts adding fruit, protein powder, and a couple of raw eggs.
“Gross.” I shudder.
“Nutritious.” He grins, waving the blender of sludgy mixture towards me. “Want some?”
“Eww.” I back away, laughing. “Get that thing away from me!”
Blake sets it back to blend. He glances over, concern creeping into his blue eyes. “Want to come hang out on set today?” he asks casually. “It’s just a couple of reshoots, but it should be fun.”
“I’m fine.”
“I didn’t say you weren’t,” Blake corrects me.
“But it’s written all over your face. Relax,” I tell him. “I have a shift at the office.” I check the clock on the wall, then grab some fruit from the bowl on the counter. “Which means I need to get going. See you later!”
I drive down through the canyon and take Sunset Boulevard all the way down towards Santa Monica. The sky is blue overhead and the weather is still warm enough to roll the windows down and feel the breeze on my bare arms. The seasons never change out here, but across the country in Beachwood Bay, fall is blustering into winter: the waves churning high against the shore, the tourist stores all shuttered for the season. I like the winter, I wouldn’t have minded the cold: bundling up in sweaters and hibernating by the fire.
Without Ryland, there’s no reason for me to stay.
I cruise down the winding roads, lost in bittersweet memories. Waking up that morning in the half-finished house to find Ryland gone, I thought it was all a mistake—that he’d gone to get us coffee and breakfast, or surprise me with some other thoughtful gesture.
Then I found the note and realized, he wasn’t coming back.
I’m sorry. I can’t put you in danger. This is my debt to pay.
Please know this isn’t about you. If I could, I would spend forever right here loving you. You’re the best thing I’ve ever had, and that’s why I won’t see you hurt by my mistakes.
Don’t wait for me.
Just a few short lines, but it told me everything I needed to know. Ryland was already miles away, heading back to the life he’d sworn to leave behind. To keep me safe, to protect his family. He would sacrifice everything he was working so hard to build just to give them a chance at happiness.
To give me what he thought I should have, when really, all I want is him.
I cried all morning before driving back to the beach house. Blake was waiting; he took one look at my face and tried to book me on the next flight home. I fought him for a while, until I went to see Brit and Hunter. I thought maybe she might have some idea where he’d gone, but it turned out, he’d already called. Told her some flimsy excuse about getting itchy feet; the town was too small to hold him, after all.
I could see the pity in her eyes when she broke the news to me. She didn’t understand. She believed the worst in her brother because he’d never let her see the best. How much he’d given already to keep her safe in her own world; and how much he’d keep paying to make sure she never knew the truth.
I couldn’t tell her. He’d made me promise never to utter a word about Driskell and their mom, and even though it broke my heart to just walk away, he’d given me no choice.
If I was going to find him, it would have to be on my own.
Now, the same possibilities run through my mind as I drive to work. I’ve already tried retracing Ryland’s steps back from Vegas and his life before, but there’s nothing there except dead ends and shadows. If I’m going to find him, I need to find this Driskell guy first, but whatever world he’s mixed up in, he keeps a low profile.
Makes sense. Criminal bosses don’t exactly leave a forwarding address.
If only Ryland would trust me…
He thinks he’s doing the right thing, going back to Driskell, but he doesn’t realize he isn’t alone. All these years he’s shouldered the burden of his debt, he’s been so used to saving the day on his own. Nobody to lean on, nobody to reach out and help.
He wants to protect me, but he couldn’t be more wrong. I won’t give up on him.
We’re in this together, whether he knows it or not.
My new job is in an anonymous office block halfway to the ocean. An open-plan room on the third floor is filled with narrow cubicles, the AC rarely works, and my paycheck is zero.
