Until June
Page 20
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I frowned. “My ass wasn’t bare.” And it wasn’t. I put on panties and a shirt when Evan pulled me from bed and told me to walk him to the door this morning before he left.
“Whatever, that’s besides the point,” she mutters then continues on. “The point is he obviously stayed the night and you obviously gave him the cookie. What happened? Spill it, bitch.”
“I’m stupid.” I close my eyes, dropping my forehead to the granite countertop in front of me. Even knowing that, knowing I was being stupid, I was still doing it. I couldn’t help myself. The second he touched me, I knew I would give him anything he asked for.
Totally stupid.
The positive: I knew what the outcome would be. I knew he wouldn’t stick around, so while I had him, I would attempt to help him get past whatever it is I saw in his eyes. That raw anguish he tried to hide. And while I did that, I would have as much amazing sex as I could get, while carefully guarding my heart so it wouldn’t be crushed anymore than it already had been.
“Honey, love is never stupid,” JJ whispers, bringing me out of my thoughts, and my head lifts, my eyes meeting her soft ones.
“I don’t love him.”
Her eyes close briefly then a small smile turns up her lips. “Don’t lie to yourself, honey, and please don’t lie to me either.”
“Wouldn’t it…” I swallow and pull my eyes from her to look out the window at the back yard. “Wouldn’t that be stupid?”
“Love is never stupid. It’s beautiful and consuming, and we don’t always have the ability to fight it when it happens.”
“I don’t want to love him. I don’t want to get hurt again,” I tell her honestly, dropping my eyes to the counter in front of me.
“I hear you. It’s never easy putting yourself out there, putting yourself in a situation that leaves you vulnerable, open for hurt or pain.”
“Exactly,” I agree, taking the shot she scoots across the counter toward me.
“But then again, if you don’t put yourself out there, don’t let your guard down, don’t open yourself up to the chance of love, then you will never have the experience of someone proving to you they are worthy of the gift you’re giving them. You won’t have a shot at happiness, not real happiness, which comes from sharing your life with someone.”
“I don’t need anyone—especially not a man—to be happy,” I grumble, and her hand reaches out, taking mine and squeezing it tight.
“Everyone needs someone. Even people who think they’re happy on their own know they were wrong the first time they have someone to come home to at the end of the night. Someone to share their sorrow with, someone to lean on when they can’t stand on their own anymore. I’m not saying another person will ever make you whole, but having someone who wants the best for you, loves you, cares about your future and your well-being, is far from a bad thing.”
Swallowing hard, I close my eyes against the pain in my chest, because I know she’s right. I just don’t know if Evan’s that person. I did know before; I knew it with every fiber of my being. Now? Now I’m not so sure.
“What did he say that got him back in?” she asks, and it takes me a moment to understand she’s asking why he was suddenly in my house after, as she put it, I made it clear I wanted nothing to do with him.
“He didn’t say anything to me. My sister’s husband heard him say he wasn’t good enough for me.” I shake my head, pulling a chunk of hair away from my face. “I… I wanted him to know that wasn’t the case, that he was always good enough, so I told him that.”
Nodding, her eyes go softer and she mutters, “Selfless.”
“What?”
“When you love someone, really love them, you will do whatever is necessary to protect that person, even if you’re protecting them from you.”
“I didn’t need him protecting me from him.”
“You think that, but my guess is he didn’t feel the same way.”
“I don’t know. We haven’t talked about it. When I ask him, he says ‘later.’ I don’t even know what the hell that means.”
“Later means just that—later. I’m sure he’s not looking forward to sharing his burden with you. I also doubt he wants to do that after he’s just gotten you back.”
“We’re having sex, JJ. I don’t think that qualifies as us getting back together.”
“Did you tell him that?” She raises her brows.
“No,” I mutter.
“Exactly.” She grins then jumps off her stool. “I gotta get home. My man is cool, but if I don’t feed him before he heads out, we got problems.” She must read my face, because her smile turns wicked when she confides, “Honey, trust me when I tell you the punishments he doles out are always a win for me.”
“Oh,” I whisper, and she tosses her head back laughing then picks up the bottle of tequila and heads for the door. I walk behind her and she stops and turns to me. “Take the chance, girl. I know you’re scared, and I know he fucked up before, but I got a good feeling about this and I’m rarely ever wrong.”
“Thanks for the talk and the drinks.” I lean in, giving her a hug but not an answer. Shaking her head, she opens the door and walks out on her heels, down the sidewalk, then across our lawns. Stopping on her front porch, she waves once and disappears from sight when she goes into her house.
“Whatever, that’s besides the point,” she mutters then continues on. “The point is he obviously stayed the night and you obviously gave him the cookie. What happened? Spill it, bitch.”
“I’m stupid.” I close my eyes, dropping my forehead to the granite countertop in front of me. Even knowing that, knowing I was being stupid, I was still doing it. I couldn’t help myself. The second he touched me, I knew I would give him anything he asked for.
Totally stupid.
The positive: I knew what the outcome would be. I knew he wouldn’t stick around, so while I had him, I would attempt to help him get past whatever it is I saw in his eyes. That raw anguish he tried to hide. And while I did that, I would have as much amazing sex as I could get, while carefully guarding my heart so it wouldn’t be crushed anymore than it already had been.
“Honey, love is never stupid,” JJ whispers, bringing me out of my thoughts, and my head lifts, my eyes meeting her soft ones.
“I don’t love him.”
Her eyes close briefly then a small smile turns up her lips. “Don’t lie to yourself, honey, and please don’t lie to me either.”
“Wouldn’t it…” I swallow and pull my eyes from her to look out the window at the back yard. “Wouldn’t that be stupid?”
“Love is never stupid. It’s beautiful and consuming, and we don’t always have the ability to fight it when it happens.”
“I don’t want to love him. I don’t want to get hurt again,” I tell her honestly, dropping my eyes to the counter in front of me.
“I hear you. It’s never easy putting yourself out there, putting yourself in a situation that leaves you vulnerable, open for hurt or pain.”
“Exactly,” I agree, taking the shot she scoots across the counter toward me.
“But then again, if you don’t put yourself out there, don’t let your guard down, don’t open yourself up to the chance of love, then you will never have the experience of someone proving to you they are worthy of the gift you’re giving them. You won’t have a shot at happiness, not real happiness, which comes from sharing your life with someone.”
“I don’t need anyone—especially not a man—to be happy,” I grumble, and her hand reaches out, taking mine and squeezing it tight.
“Everyone needs someone. Even people who think they’re happy on their own know they were wrong the first time they have someone to come home to at the end of the night. Someone to share their sorrow with, someone to lean on when they can’t stand on their own anymore. I’m not saying another person will ever make you whole, but having someone who wants the best for you, loves you, cares about your future and your well-being, is far from a bad thing.”
Swallowing hard, I close my eyes against the pain in my chest, because I know she’s right. I just don’t know if Evan’s that person. I did know before; I knew it with every fiber of my being. Now? Now I’m not so sure.
“What did he say that got him back in?” she asks, and it takes me a moment to understand she’s asking why he was suddenly in my house after, as she put it, I made it clear I wanted nothing to do with him.
“He didn’t say anything to me. My sister’s husband heard him say he wasn’t good enough for me.” I shake my head, pulling a chunk of hair away from my face. “I… I wanted him to know that wasn’t the case, that he was always good enough, so I told him that.”
Nodding, her eyes go softer and she mutters, “Selfless.”
“What?”
“When you love someone, really love them, you will do whatever is necessary to protect that person, even if you’re protecting them from you.”
“I didn’t need him protecting me from him.”
“You think that, but my guess is he didn’t feel the same way.”
“I don’t know. We haven’t talked about it. When I ask him, he says ‘later.’ I don’t even know what the hell that means.”
“Later means just that—later. I’m sure he’s not looking forward to sharing his burden with you. I also doubt he wants to do that after he’s just gotten you back.”
“We’re having sex, JJ. I don’t think that qualifies as us getting back together.”
“Did you tell him that?” She raises her brows.
“No,” I mutter.
“Exactly.” She grins then jumps off her stool. “I gotta get home. My man is cool, but if I don’t feed him before he heads out, we got problems.” She must read my face, because her smile turns wicked when she confides, “Honey, trust me when I tell you the punishments he doles out are always a win for me.”
“Oh,” I whisper, and she tosses her head back laughing then picks up the bottle of tequila and heads for the door. I walk behind her and she stops and turns to me. “Take the chance, girl. I know you’re scared, and I know he fucked up before, but I got a good feeling about this and I’m rarely ever wrong.”
“Thanks for the talk and the drinks.” I lean in, giving her a hug but not an answer. Shaking her head, she opens the door and walks out on her heels, down the sidewalk, then across our lawns. Stopping on her front porch, she waves once and disappears from sight when she goes into her house.
