“I don’t know what I can do!” I drag my hands through my hair, feeling the same guilt and frustration well up again. “I fucked things up.”
“So fix them.”
I growl. “It’s not so simple.”
“It never is.” Ash gives me a measured look. “This girl was the first time you’ve ever given a damn about someone,” he points out. “But you had one fight and suddenly it’s over. I guess you really are a quitter.”
“Will everyone stop saying that!” I explode, feeling a rage building inside. “Dammit, is that what you all think of me? Some good-time guy who walks out the minute things get rough?”
“No.” Ash folds his arms, standing his ground. “I think you’ve spent so long trying not to give a damn that you have no idea how to handle something real.”
“I could say the same about you,” I shoot back, but Ash doesn’t take the bait.
“I know real.” He glares back at me, stony-faced. “And I know what it’s like to have someone bolt when things got ugly. So if you want to be that person, then fine. I just think you’re capable of more than that. At least, I hope you are,” he adds. “Lord knows Zoey deserves better than this brand of bullshit you’re wallowing in right now. For some reason, she decided you were worth a damn, so maybe it’s time you decided to man up and prove you’re worth that kind of love.”
He turns and stalks back towards the car before I can punch him straight in the mouth.
Goddamn.
If that was his idea of a pep talk, it needs some work. I want to rage at the bullshit he was just telling me. But just as fast as the anger hits me, the fight drains away.
It’s not bullshit. He’s right. Every last word. I am hiding out here, as if the ocean between us could excuse the fact I haven’t picked up the phone, or negotiated a weekend off to fly back to LA.
I could go to Zoey anytime I wanted, but there’s one thing holding me back.
I’m scared as hell it’s too late.
She waited for me. She trusted me with her heart—and her body. She believed in me like nobody else ever has. And how did I repay her?
By running scared the first chance I got.
She believed I was a better man than that, but I just did the same thing I always have done: backed away from anything that could hurt me, regardless of the cost.
And how’s that working out for you?
Ash is right. I have to make a choice. I have to decide to be the man Zoey saw in me, once upon a time—and pray to God she still can, after everything I’ve done.
I trek back to the limo and get inside. Ash is already tapping out messages on his phone; he doesn’t even give me a look as the engine starts and we speed back towards the city.
The silence drags, filled only with my own thoughts, until finally, I can’t stop myself voicing my fears out loud.
“What reason does she have to give me another shot?” I ask, feeling guilty. “I took her for granted. I’ve done nothing but push her away and fuck this up from the very beginning.”
Ash pauses typing. “Maybe she won’t. But at least you’ll have tried,” he adds, looking over at me. “That’s the point, to fight for someone you love. That’s the only point of anything.”
I look at him, trying to remember the last time he had a steady girlfriend. “Have you ever fought for someone?”
Ash gets that grim look again. “Olivia.” he says shortly.
I remember now. They were together all through college. “Whatever happened to her, anyway? You guys broke up when you started business school, right?”
Ash gives a curt laugh. “No, she left right after Mom and Dad died. Said she didn’t sign up to deal with three teenagers and keeping a roof over everyone’s head.”
“Bitch.”
He cracks the ghost of a smile. “No, I get it. I mean, it took me a while to see it her way, but she had her reasons. Still, I fought for her. I did everything I could. And at least I knew it was over. There were no ‘what ifs’ left to play. And I could get over her and focus on what really mattered, building a life for us all.”
I’m reminded again how much Ash sacrificed, fresh out of college and suddenly responsible for keeping it all together for us.
“You know we all appreciate everything you did,” I say quietly.
Ash looks uncomfortable. “It’s fine.” He looks away. “Maybe I had it easy, in a way. I was forced to step up, there wasn’t any choice in the matter. But you, you’ve had nothing but choices,” he says, turning back to me. “Nobody relying on you for anything, nobody needing you to get your shit together. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you’ve been able to find your own way. But the Hollywood scene, all the girls and parties… It doesn’t exactly make a guy grow up,” he adds with a wry smile.
“Zoey needed me,” I say quietly. “Not that she was needy or anything, but…I could tell I made her happy. Just, saying she looked beautiful, or kissing her, she would light up.” I remember her face, the spark in her eyes, and feel that hollow in my chest ache for her. “I couldn’t believe it sometimes, that I could do that. Put a smile on her face just by being there.”
“That’s a gift,” Ash says softly. “You don’t take it for granted.”
“I know.” I swallow, feeling a new determination. “I won’t, not ever again.”
“So fix them.”
I growl. “It’s not so simple.”
“It never is.” Ash gives me a measured look. “This girl was the first time you’ve ever given a damn about someone,” he points out. “But you had one fight and suddenly it’s over. I guess you really are a quitter.”
“Will everyone stop saying that!” I explode, feeling a rage building inside. “Dammit, is that what you all think of me? Some good-time guy who walks out the minute things get rough?”
“No.” Ash folds his arms, standing his ground. “I think you’ve spent so long trying not to give a damn that you have no idea how to handle something real.”
“I could say the same about you,” I shoot back, but Ash doesn’t take the bait.
“I know real.” He glares back at me, stony-faced. “And I know what it’s like to have someone bolt when things got ugly. So if you want to be that person, then fine. I just think you’re capable of more than that. At least, I hope you are,” he adds. “Lord knows Zoey deserves better than this brand of bullshit you’re wallowing in right now. For some reason, she decided you were worth a damn, so maybe it’s time you decided to man up and prove you’re worth that kind of love.”
He turns and stalks back towards the car before I can punch him straight in the mouth.
Goddamn.
If that was his idea of a pep talk, it needs some work. I want to rage at the bullshit he was just telling me. But just as fast as the anger hits me, the fight drains away.
It’s not bullshit. He’s right. Every last word. I am hiding out here, as if the ocean between us could excuse the fact I haven’t picked up the phone, or negotiated a weekend off to fly back to LA.
I could go to Zoey anytime I wanted, but there’s one thing holding me back.
I’m scared as hell it’s too late.
She waited for me. She trusted me with her heart—and her body. She believed in me like nobody else ever has. And how did I repay her?
By running scared the first chance I got.
She believed I was a better man than that, but I just did the same thing I always have done: backed away from anything that could hurt me, regardless of the cost.
And how’s that working out for you?
Ash is right. I have to make a choice. I have to decide to be the man Zoey saw in me, once upon a time—and pray to God she still can, after everything I’ve done.
I trek back to the limo and get inside. Ash is already tapping out messages on his phone; he doesn’t even give me a look as the engine starts and we speed back towards the city.
The silence drags, filled only with my own thoughts, until finally, I can’t stop myself voicing my fears out loud.
“What reason does she have to give me another shot?” I ask, feeling guilty. “I took her for granted. I’ve done nothing but push her away and fuck this up from the very beginning.”
Ash pauses typing. “Maybe she won’t. But at least you’ll have tried,” he adds, looking over at me. “That’s the point, to fight for someone you love. That’s the only point of anything.”
I look at him, trying to remember the last time he had a steady girlfriend. “Have you ever fought for someone?”
Ash gets that grim look again. “Olivia.” he says shortly.
I remember now. They were together all through college. “Whatever happened to her, anyway? You guys broke up when you started business school, right?”
Ash gives a curt laugh. “No, she left right after Mom and Dad died. Said she didn’t sign up to deal with three teenagers and keeping a roof over everyone’s head.”
“Bitch.”
He cracks the ghost of a smile. “No, I get it. I mean, it took me a while to see it her way, but she had her reasons. Still, I fought for her. I did everything I could. And at least I knew it was over. There were no ‘what ifs’ left to play. And I could get over her and focus on what really mattered, building a life for us all.”
I’m reminded again how much Ash sacrificed, fresh out of college and suddenly responsible for keeping it all together for us.
“You know we all appreciate everything you did,” I say quietly.
Ash looks uncomfortable. “It’s fine.” He looks away. “Maybe I had it easy, in a way. I was forced to step up, there wasn’t any choice in the matter. But you, you’ve had nothing but choices,” he says, turning back to me. “Nobody relying on you for anything, nobody needing you to get your shit together. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you’ve been able to find your own way. But the Hollywood scene, all the girls and parties… It doesn’t exactly make a guy grow up,” he adds with a wry smile.
“Zoey needed me,” I say quietly. “Not that she was needy or anything, but…I could tell I made her happy. Just, saying she looked beautiful, or kissing her, she would light up.” I remember her face, the spark in her eyes, and feel that hollow in my chest ache for her. “I couldn’t believe it sometimes, that I could do that. Put a smile on her face just by being there.”
“That’s a gift,” Ash says softly. “You don’t take it for granted.”
“I know.” I swallow, feeling a new determination. “I won’t, not ever again.”
