Vampire Brat
Chapter Nine BOILER BRAT

    The boiler room was an awful mess--it looked just like it used to before Brenda arrived, when Aunt Tabby took care of the boiler all on her own. There was soot every- where, the boiler door was swinging from the lampshade, and there were pieces of boiler all around the room. At the sound of her precious boiler exploding, Brenda had come running. She took one look and screamed, "My boiler, my boiler!" "It's not that bad, Brenda, " said Aunt Tabby huffily, "I've seen worse. " She handed Brenda a bucket. "Put the pieces in there and I'll fix it later. " Brenda snatched the bucket and glared at Aunt Tabby. "You will not fix it later, " she said. "I will fix it now. Oh, there's a good boy, Max, how sweet of you. Thank you, dear, " she said, beaming at You-Know-Who. Vampire Max had got hold of the broom, which was twice as big as he was, and was busy sweeping up all the soot. Brenda glared at Wanda with a distinctly Aunt Tabbylike expression. "That, Wanda, " she said, "is what I mean by being helpful. Little Max didn't wait to be asked to sweep up, did he?
    He just got on and did it. " Wanda did not look impressed by this information. In fact she looked pretty annoyed. She grabbed hold of my sleeve and tugged me out of the boiler room, "Come on, Araminta, " she said loudly. "Let's go. You can have some of my gummy bears. " We sat in the dark in the first-kitchen- on-the-left-just-by-the-stairs, which is where Wanda keeps her gummy bear stash, and ate two whole bags between us. It was fun, just like old times before Vampire Max arrived. No one guessed we were there. We were just wondering whether to share a third bag of bears when who should come past but Brenda and Aunt Tabby--with Vampire Max trotting between them like a little dog. Both of them were cooing over him. "It was so sweet of you to help me fix the boiler, Max, " said Brenda. "I have tried to get Wanda to show an interest in the boiler but she really does not care. " "But boilers are fascinating, Mrs. Wizzard, " said Max in his creepy voice. Brenda giggled. "Oh Max dear, you must call me Brenda. All my friends do. And I do hope we are friends. "
    Wanda made her sick-bag face at me. I Q made one back. Aunt Tabby was just as bad. "I think you have earned a little treat, Maximilian. Do you like mint candy?" "It is my favorite candy, Aunt Tabitha, " said creepy Max. Well. Aunt Tabby never offers me any of her precious mint candy. We waited until the Vampire Max fan club had gone and then we crept into the basement corridor, which was really dark because all the lights had gone out when the boiler exploded. Suddenly I saw the werewolf eyes again-- and they were staring right at us. They were really close to the ground this time, and I knew that meant only one thing--that the werewolf was about to pounce.
    I grabbed Wanda's arm. "Ouch!" she yelped. "Shh . . . Werewolf!" I hissed. But as soon as I spoke the eyes disappeared back into the darkness. "I didn't see it, " said Wanda. "It was the werewolf. What else has staring eyes and lopes around in the dark?" We had reached the foot of the stairs that go up from the basement and I could see Wanda's face now in the light coming down from the hall. She had on her I-don't-believe- you expression. "It wasn't loping, Araminta, " she said. "If it had been loping we would have heard it. " "So what exactly does loping sound like?" I asked Miss Know-It-All.
    "Sort of scuffling, like this"--Wanda scraped her shoes along the floor--"and then kind of dragging, like this, " and she did a weird walk like a crab short of a few legs. "Pwfeeergh!" I snorted. "It's not funny, " said Wanda. "Yes . . . It is. " It was no good. I had the giggles. I sat down on the stairs and choked and spluttered while Wanda looked mad. She stood tapping her little foot, waiting for me to stop, and then suddenly she shrieked, "Look, look! Werewolf paw prints!" She was right. All along the corridor were big sooty werewolf paw prints--and they were headed upstairs. The werewolf was loose in Spookie House. "Run!" I yelled. And we did. We both ran as fast as we could and we did not stop until we reached our Friday bedroom.
    And Wanda didn't even stop then--she scooted up the ladder to her bed and dived under the blan- kets. I slammed the bedroom door behind me and shoved a chair up underneath the handle like the heroine always does in the movies when the vampire has chased her through his castle at midnight and cornered her in some deserted room--far away from all her silly friends, who have no idea at all what is going on. I waited for the door handle to rattle like it does when the vampire tries the door and you just know she's in for it and is about to become vampire fodder--but it didn't. We were safe. Well, not exactly safe, as we had a vampire and a werewolf wandering around Spookie House--but that was okay because I had a Plan.
    The trouble with my Plan was that I needed Wanda's help, and Wanda was under the bedclothes trembling like a great big tub of Jell-O. So while Wanda was doing her Jell-O impression I checked my Combined Werewolf and Vampire Trapping Kit. It was all there. I pulled Wanda out of bed to show her what was definitely the best Combined Werewolf and Vampire Trapping Kit ever. "This is going to be the best Combined Werewolf and Vampire Trapping Expedition ever, " I told her. "Obviously we will have to wait until midnight because that is the time when you can be sure to find both vampires and were- wolves hanging around. But I am sure it won't take long to trap them both. " "I am not going on a Combined Werewolf and Vampire Trapping Expedition, Araminta, " she said.
    "No way. Especially not at midnight. I wouldn't go anywhere in Spookie House at midnight. " Wanda is such a spoilsport. "If it wasn't at midnight would you go?" I asked. "No. " Now I was really disgusted. It takes two people minimum to catch a vampire or a were- wolf. One person has to be the bait--which, as I have said, was ideal for Wanda--and the other one has to have split-second timing and lightning-fast reactions--which I could easily do. But obviously I could not do both at once. There was no one else I could ask either. Grown-ups are absolutely no use at stuff like that, which ruled out Brenda, Barry, Uncle Drac, and Aunt Tabby--and who would want -118- Aunt Tabby helping them catch vampires and werewolves at midnight anyway? She would frighten them away. Ghosts would be no good at that sort of stuff because generally they cannot hold anything, and our particular kinds of ghosts would definitely be of no help--Sir Horace would just fall to pieces and Edmund would be even more scared than Wanda. The only other person in Spookie House who would have been okay was Max-- except it was him that we needed to catch. It was dark now and I sat on the griffin window seat and watched a brilliant full moon slowly rise above the trees at the end of the garden. It was a perfect night for a Combined Werewolf and Vampire Trapping Expedition, but right then the best chance the Combined Werewolf and Vampire Trapping Kit had of working was for me to chuck it out Q of the window in the hope that it would hit one of them on the head.
    But, you know, sometimes things do work out in the most unexpected way. A few min- utes later the Friday bedroom door began to glow with a strange green light. I was so sur- prised that I nearly joined Wanda under the blankets. I was halfway up the ladder when I realized it was only Edmund. He shimmered through the door and kind of floated just above the floor. Edmund is quite a small ghost, although he is probably about ten, but I think kids were smaller in medieval times, which is when he is from. He has a bowl haircut, wears a tunic, and has a really neat dagger tucked into his belt. He talks with a funny accent and Sir Horace says that is because he lived in someplace called Normandy before he became Sir Horace's page.
    Edmund was only seven when he left home and went to live in Sir Horace's castle, which is very young to start work. I guess that might excuse him from being such a runt--but it is still irritating. "What do you want, Edmund?" I asked. I felt annoyed at being halfway up the ladder like I was scared or something, and even more annoyed when Wanda poked her head out from under the blankets and said, "Oh, hello, Edmund, " in an excited, really- happy-to-see-him kind of voice.
    She never sounds like that when she sees me. "Sir Horace has sent me, " he said. "He seeks your help. " Now this sounded interesting. "What kind of help?" asked Wanda, who is nosy and always asks questions. "I cannot say, Wanda. I am but the messen- ger. He asks that you meet him at his treasure chest at midnight. " "Okay, " I said. "I'll meet him, but Wanda won't because she doesn't like going out at midnight. " "Yes I do, " said Wanda. "I love going out at-122- midnight. You can tell Sir Horace that we'll both come, Edmund. " Well. The Combined Werewolf and Vampire Trapping Expedition was on.