Author: Robyn Carr
“How is this possible?” Mel asked, completely confused. Lilly’s youngest child was grown—she couldn’t possibly have breast milk. But then she realized what had happened. “Oh, my God!” Chloe was Lilly’s baby! Mel walked slowly to the kitchen table and pulled out a chair to sit down because her knees were shaking. “Does everyone in the family know?”
Lilly shook her head, her eyes pinched closed. “Just me and Buck,” she finally said. “I wasn’t in my right mind.”
Mel shook her head, baffled. “Lilly. What in the world happened?”
“I thought they’d come for her—the county. And that someone would want her right off. Some nice young couple who couldn’t have a baby. Then she’d have young parents and I—” she shook her head pitifully. “I just didn’t think I could do it again,”
she said, dissolving into sobs.
Mel got out of her chair and went to her, taking the fussing baby, trying to comfort her. Lilly lay her head down on the table top and wept hard tears.
“I’m so ashamed,” she cried. When she looked up at Mel again she said, “I raised six kids. I spent thirty years raising kids and we got seven grandkids. I couldn’t imagine another one. So late in my life.”
“Wasn’t there anyone you could talk to about this?” Mel asked. She shook her head. “Mel,” she wept. “Country people…Small-town country people know that once you talk about it…No,” she said, shaking her head. “I was sick when I realized I was pregnant and forty-eight years old. I was sick and a little crazy.”
“Did you ever consider terminating the pregnancy?”
“I did, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. I make no judgment, but it isn’t in me.”
“What about arranging an adoption?” Mel asked.
“No one in this family, in this town for that matter, would ever understand that. They’d have looked at me like I killed her. Even my friends—good women my age who would understand how I felt, could never accept it if I said I didn’t want to raise another child, my own child. I didn’t know what else to do.”
“And now what do you intend to do?” Mel asked.
“I don’t know,” she wailed. “I just don’t know.”
“What if they come now—social services? Lilly, can you give her up?”
She was shaking her head. “I don’t know. I don’t think so. Oh, God, I wish I had a chance to do it over.”
“Lilly—how did you conceal your pregnancy? How did you give birth alone?”
“No one pays much attention—I’m overweight. Buck helped. Poor Buck—he didn’t even know till it was almost time—I kept it from him, too. Maybe we can adopt her now?”
Mel sat down again, still jiggling the baby. She looked down at Chloe, who was burying her fist in her mouth, squirming and fussing. “You don’t have to adopt her, you gave birth to her. But I’m awful worried about you. You abandoned her. That must have almost killed you.”
“I watched the whole time. Till you and Jack came to the porch. I wouldn’t let anything happen to her. It was terrible hard, but I felt like I had to. I just didn’t know what else to do.”
“Oh, Lilly,” Mel said. “I’m not sure you’re okay yet. This is just too crazy.” She passed the baby back to Lilly. “Here, nurse your baby. She’s hungry.”
“I don’t know that I can,” she said, but she took the baby. “I might be too upset.”
“Just hook her up—she’ll do the work,” Mel said. When the baby was again at the breast, Mel put her arms around Lilly and just held them both for a few minutes.
“What are you going to do?” Lilly asked, her voice a quivering mess.
“God, Lilly, I don’t know. Do you understand that doctors and midwives protect your confidentiality? If I’d been here when you’d discovered your pregnancy, you could have trusted me with your secret. You could have trusted Doc, or Dr. Stone in Grace Valley. The people in the family planning clinic keep confidential records—they would have helped. But…” She took a breath. “We’re also bound by laws.”
“I just didn’t know where to turn.”
Mel shook her head sadly. “You must have been so scared.”
“I haven’t ever been through anything as difficult in my life, Mel. And me and Buck, we’ve had some real hard times holding this family and ranch together.”
“How did you keep the breast-feeding from your kids? I assume they’re around quite a bit—and don’t your boys work the ranch with Buck?”
“I give her a bottle if anyone’s around, and I nurse her when we’re alone.”
“Even though you planned to let her go, you nursed her? You didn’t have to do that.”
Lilly shrugged. “It seemed like the least I could give her, after what I did. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. You just don’t understand what it’s like—spending your whole life raising kids—and then having another one on the way when you’re a grandmother. Me and Buck—we’ve struggled with money our entire marriage! You just don’t understand.”
“Oh, Lilly, I know you were terrified and desperate. I can imagine. But I’m not going to kid you, this is complicated.”
“But will you help us? Will you help Chloe?”
“I’ll do what I can—but those laws…” She sighed. “I’ll do whatever I can,” she said gently. “We’ll find a way to sort this out. Just let me think.”
Not long after, when Mel was sure that Lilly was calmed down and safe, Mel left her. She’d been with her about forty minutes, but Buck was still combing the Hummer with envious eyes. “Helluva ride, Mel,” he said, grinning.
“Buck, go in the house and comfort your wife. I just walked in on her nursing your daughter.”
“Oh, boy,” he said.
It was on the ride back to town that Mel realized Doc Mullins was onto this. In fact, he might’ve given birth to it, so to speak. He’d always said the mother would turn up, and she had. Weeks ago when Mel had told him that Lilly had offered to take in the baby, his eyebrows had shot up in surprise. He hadn’t expected it to be Lilly. He had never called social services. And yet, he never brought her into the conspiracy. By the time she got back to his house it was after four and she was steamed up pretty good. Doc was seeing a patient who was coughing and hacking like a dying man. She had to wait. And while she waited, she began to seethe. When the man finally left with a butt full of penicillin and a pocket full of pills, she faced him down. “Your office,” she said flatly, preceding him in that direction.
“What’s got your dander up?” he asked.
“I went to the Andersons’. I walked in on Lilly nursing the baby.”
“Ah,” he said simply, limping around her to sit behind his desk, his arthritis obviously kicking up again.
She leaned her hands on the desk and got in his face. “You never called social services.”
“Couldn’t see the need. Her mother came for her.”
“What do you plan to do about the birth certificate?”
“Well, when we get this straightened out a little better, I’ll sign and date it.”
“Doc, you can’t pull this shit! That baby was abandoned! Even though her mother came back for her, it might still be considered a crime!”
“Settle down. Lilly was a little overwrought is all. She’s fine now—I’ve been keeping an eye on it.”
“At the very least, you could have told me!”
“And have you go off half-cocked like this? Snatch up that baby and turn her in? That woman was at the end of her rope—and turned out all she needed was a little time to cool down, come to her senses.”
“She should’ve seen a doctor.”
“Aw, Lilly had all her kids at home. She’d have come in if she was sick. Fact is, if Lilly had turned up any sooner—I’d have insisted on examining her, just to be safe. By the time she came around, it was obvious she was in good health.”
Mel fumed. “I can’t work like this,” she said. “I’m here to give good, sound medical care, not run around in circles trying to guess what you’re dreaming up!”
“Who asked ya?” he threw back.
She was stunned quiet for a moment. Then she said, “Shit!” And she turned to leave his office.
“We’re not done here,” he bellowed. “Where are you going?”
“For a beer!” she yelled back.
When she got to Jack’s it was impossible for her to hide the fact that she was all riled up, but she couldn’t talk about it. She went straight to the bar without saying hello to anyone.
Jack took one look at her and said, “Whoa, boy.”
“Beer,” she said.
He served her up and said, “Wanna talk about it?”
“Sorry. Can’t.” She took a drink of the icy brew. “Business.”
“Must be sticky business. You’re pissed.”
“Boy howdy.”
“Anything I can do?”
“Just don’t ask me about it, because I’m bound by confidentiality.”
“Must be a doozie,” he said.
Yeah, a doozie, she thought.
Jack slid an envelope across the bar to her. She looked at the return address—it was from the clinic in Eureka he had visited. “Maybe this will brighten your mood a little. I’m clear.”
She smiled a small smile. “That’s good, Jack,” she said. “I thought it would come out like that.”
“Aren’t you going to look?” he asked.
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “I trust you.”
He leaned forward and put a light kiss on her brow. “Thanks, that’s nice,” he said.
“You go ahead and sulk in your beer. Let me know if you need anything.”
She began to calm down with her beer. It was probably a half hour later that Doc Mullins came into the bar and sat on the stool beside her. She glared at him, then focused again on her glass.
Doc raised a finger to Jack and he set up a whiskey. Then wisely, left the two of them alone.
Doc had a sip, then another, then said, “You’re right. I can’t leave you out of the loop like that if you’re going to help take care of the town.”
She turned and looked at him, one eyebrow lifted. “Did you just apologize to me?”
“Not quite, I didn’t. But in this one instance, you’re right. I’m just used to acting on my own, is all. Meant no disrespect.”
“What are we going to do?” she asked him.
“You’re not going to do anything at all. This is on me. If there’s any malpractice involved, I don’t want it on you. You were always prepared to do the right thing. I wanted to do the right thing, too—but I had a different right thing in mind.”
“I think she should be examined. I can do it or we can make her an appointment with John Stone.”
“I’ll call John,” Doc said, taking another sip of his whiskey. “I want you away from this for now.”
“And this time, you’ll actually make the call?”
He turned and regarded her, glare for glare. “I’ll call him.”
Mel just concentrated on her beer, which had gone warm and dull.
“You do a good job, missy,” he said. “I’m getting too old for some things, especially the babies.” He looked down at his hands, some fingers bent, knuckles swollen. “I can still get things done, but these old hands aren’t good on the women. Better you take care of women’s health.”
“How is this possible?” Mel asked, completely confused. Lilly’s youngest child was grown—she couldn’t possibly have breast milk. But then she realized what had happened. “Oh, my God!” Chloe was Lilly’s baby! Mel walked slowly to the kitchen table and pulled out a chair to sit down because her knees were shaking. “Does everyone in the family know?”
Lilly shook her head, her eyes pinched closed. “Just me and Buck,” she finally said. “I wasn’t in my right mind.”
Mel shook her head, baffled. “Lilly. What in the world happened?”
“I thought they’d come for her—the county. And that someone would want her right off. Some nice young couple who couldn’t have a baby. Then she’d have young parents and I—” she shook her head pitifully. “I just didn’t think I could do it again,”
she said, dissolving into sobs.
Mel got out of her chair and went to her, taking the fussing baby, trying to comfort her. Lilly lay her head down on the table top and wept hard tears.
“I’m so ashamed,” she cried. When she looked up at Mel again she said, “I raised six kids. I spent thirty years raising kids and we got seven grandkids. I couldn’t imagine another one. So late in my life.”
“Wasn’t there anyone you could talk to about this?” Mel asked. She shook her head. “Mel,” she wept. “Country people…Small-town country people know that once you talk about it…No,” she said, shaking her head. “I was sick when I realized I was pregnant and forty-eight years old. I was sick and a little crazy.”
“Did you ever consider terminating the pregnancy?”
“I did, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. I make no judgment, but it isn’t in me.”
“What about arranging an adoption?” Mel asked.
“No one in this family, in this town for that matter, would ever understand that. They’d have looked at me like I killed her. Even my friends—good women my age who would understand how I felt, could never accept it if I said I didn’t want to raise another child, my own child. I didn’t know what else to do.”
“And now what do you intend to do?” Mel asked.
“I don’t know,” she wailed. “I just don’t know.”
“What if they come now—social services? Lilly, can you give her up?”
She was shaking her head. “I don’t know. I don’t think so. Oh, God, I wish I had a chance to do it over.”
“Lilly—how did you conceal your pregnancy? How did you give birth alone?”
“No one pays much attention—I’m overweight. Buck helped. Poor Buck—he didn’t even know till it was almost time—I kept it from him, too. Maybe we can adopt her now?”
Mel sat down again, still jiggling the baby. She looked down at Chloe, who was burying her fist in her mouth, squirming and fussing. “You don’t have to adopt her, you gave birth to her. But I’m awful worried about you. You abandoned her. That must have almost killed you.”
“I watched the whole time. Till you and Jack came to the porch. I wouldn’t let anything happen to her. It was terrible hard, but I felt like I had to. I just didn’t know what else to do.”
“Oh, Lilly,” Mel said. “I’m not sure you’re okay yet. This is just too crazy.” She passed the baby back to Lilly. “Here, nurse your baby. She’s hungry.”
“I don’t know that I can,” she said, but she took the baby. “I might be too upset.”
“Just hook her up—she’ll do the work,” Mel said. When the baby was again at the breast, Mel put her arms around Lilly and just held them both for a few minutes.
“What are you going to do?” Lilly asked, her voice a quivering mess.
“God, Lilly, I don’t know. Do you understand that doctors and midwives protect your confidentiality? If I’d been here when you’d discovered your pregnancy, you could have trusted me with your secret. You could have trusted Doc, or Dr. Stone in Grace Valley. The people in the family planning clinic keep confidential records—they would have helped. But…” She took a breath. “We’re also bound by laws.”
“I just didn’t know where to turn.”
Mel shook her head sadly. “You must have been so scared.”
“I haven’t ever been through anything as difficult in my life, Mel. And me and Buck, we’ve had some real hard times holding this family and ranch together.”
“How did you keep the breast-feeding from your kids? I assume they’re around quite a bit—and don’t your boys work the ranch with Buck?”
“I give her a bottle if anyone’s around, and I nurse her when we’re alone.”
“Even though you planned to let her go, you nursed her? You didn’t have to do that.”
Lilly shrugged. “It seemed like the least I could give her, after what I did. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. You just don’t understand what it’s like—spending your whole life raising kids—and then having another one on the way when you’re a grandmother. Me and Buck—we’ve struggled with money our entire marriage! You just don’t understand.”
“Oh, Lilly, I know you were terrified and desperate. I can imagine. But I’m not going to kid you, this is complicated.”
“But will you help us? Will you help Chloe?”
“I’ll do what I can—but those laws…” She sighed. “I’ll do whatever I can,” she said gently. “We’ll find a way to sort this out. Just let me think.”
Not long after, when Mel was sure that Lilly was calmed down and safe, Mel left her. She’d been with her about forty minutes, but Buck was still combing the Hummer with envious eyes. “Helluva ride, Mel,” he said, grinning.
“Buck, go in the house and comfort your wife. I just walked in on her nursing your daughter.”
“Oh, boy,” he said.
It was on the ride back to town that Mel realized Doc Mullins was onto this. In fact, he might’ve given birth to it, so to speak. He’d always said the mother would turn up, and she had. Weeks ago when Mel had told him that Lilly had offered to take in the baby, his eyebrows had shot up in surprise. He hadn’t expected it to be Lilly. He had never called social services. And yet, he never brought her into the conspiracy. By the time she got back to his house it was after four and she was steamed up pretty good. Doc was seeing a patient who was coughing and hacking like a dying man. She had to wait. And while she waited, she began to seethe. When the man finally left with a butt full of penicillin and a pocket full of pills, she faced him down. “Your office,” she said flatly, preceding him in that direction.
“What’s got your dander up?” he asked.
“I went to the Andersons’. I walked in on Lilly nursing the baby.”
“Ah,” he said simply, limping around her to sit behind his desk, his arthritis obviously kicking up again.
She leaned her hands on the desk and got in his face. “You never called social services.”
“Couldn’t see the need. Her mother came for her.”
“What do you plan to do about the birth certificate?”
“Well, when we get this straightened out a little better, I’ll sign and date it.”
“Doc, you can’t pull this shit! That baby was abandoned! Even though her mother came back for her, it might still be considered a crime!”
“Settle down. Lilly was a little overwrought is all. She’s fine now—I’ve been keeping an eye on it.”
“At the very least, you could have told me!”
“And have you go off half-cocked like this? Snatch up that baby and turn her in? That woman was at the end of her rope—and turned out all she needed was a little time to cool down, come to her senses.”
“She should’ve seen a doctor.”
“Aw, Lilly had all her kids at home. She’d have come in if she was sick. Fact is, if Lilly had turned up any sooner—I’d have insisted on examining her, just to be safe. By the time she came around, it was obvious she was in good health.”
Mel fumed. “I can’t work like this,” she said. “I’m here to give good, sound medical care, not run around in circles trying to guess what you’re dreaming up!”
“Who asked ya?” he threw back.
She was stunned quiet for a moment. Then she said, “Shit!” And she turned to leave his office.
“We’re not done here,” he bellowed. “Where are you going?”
“For a beer!” she yelled back.
When she got to Jack’s it was impossible for her to hide the fact that she was all riled up, but she couldn’t talk about it. She went straight to the bar without saying hello to anyone.
Jack took one look at her and said, “Whoa, boy.”
“Beer,” she said.
He served her up and said, “Wanna talk about it?”
“Sorry. Can’t.” She took a drink of the icy brew. “Business.”
“Must be sticky business. You’re pissed.”
“Boy howdy.”
“Anything I can do?”
“Just don’t ask me about it, because I’m bound by confidentiality.”
“Must be a doozie,” he said.
Yeah, a doozie, she thought.
Jack slid an envelope across the bar to her. She looked at the return address—it was from the clinic in Eureka he had visited. “Maybe this will brighten your mood a little. I’m clear.”
She smiled a small smile. “That’s good, Jack,” she said. “I thought it would come out like that.”
“Aren’t you going to look?” he asked.
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “I trust you.”
He leaned forward and put a light kiss on her brow. “Thanks, that’s nice,” he said.
“You go ahead and sulk in your beer. Let me know if you need anything.”
She began to calm down with her beer. It was probably a half hour later that Doc Mullins came into the bar and sat on the stool beside her. She glared at him, then focused again on her glass.
Doc raised a finger to Jack and he set up a whiskey. Then wisely, left the two of them alone.
Doc had a sip, then another, then said, “You’re right. I can’t leave you out of the loop like that if you’re going to help take care of the town.”
She turned and looked at him, one eyebrow lifted. “Did you just apologize to me?”
“Not quite, I didn’t. But in this one instance, you’re right. I’m just used to acting on my own, is all. Meant no disrespect.”
“What are we going to do?” she asked him.
“You’re not going to do anything at all. This is on me. If there’s any malpractice involved, I don’t want it on you. You were always prepared to do the right thing. I wanted to do the right thing, too—but I had a different right thing in mind.”
“I think she should be examined. I can do it or we can make her an appointment with John Stone.”
“I’ll call John,” Doc said, taking another sip of his whiskey. “I want you away from this for now.”
“And this time, you’ll actually make the call?”
He turned and regarded her, glare for glare. “I’ll call him.”
Mel just concentrated on her beer, which had gone warm and dull.
“You do a good job, missy,” he said. “I’m getting too old for some things, especially the babies.” He looked down at his hands, some fingers bent, knuckles swollen. “I can still get things done, but these old hands aren’t good on the women. Better you take care of women’s health.”
