I wrapped my hair in a towel, and then leaned on the countertop, bringing my face within inches of the mirror.
“Caroline, my dear, you just got turned down by a man who once made a woman meow for thirty minutes straight. How do you feel?” the naked woman in the mirror asked me, turning my thumb into a little microphone. She gestured toward me, holding out her thumb.
“Well, I drank enough wine to sustain a small Spanish village, I haven’t had an orgasm in a thousand years, and I will probably die old and alone in a beautifully designed apartment with all of Clive’s illegitimate children swarming around me…How do you think I feel?” I asked back, offering Mirror Caroline her thumb.
“Silly Caroline, you had Clive neutered,” Mirror Caroline answered, shaking her head at me.
“Go f**k yourself, Mirror Caroline, since I can’t even do that,” I finished, ending the interview and taking my naked ass back into the bedroom. Throwing on a T-shirt, I fell into bed, my drunk self exhausted from the hike and the dinner and the wine and the music and the best make-out session I’d ever engaged in. The thought of it brought my tears to the surface again, and I rolled over to grab some tissues, only to find an empty box, which made me cry even harder.
Stupid Wallbanger voodoo.
Could this night get any worse?
Then my phone rang.
“Pancakes, sweetie?”
“Love some. Thanks, babe.”
Jesus.
“Is there still cream for the coffee?”
“I got your cream right here, honeybunch.”
Sweet Jesus.
Listening to a new couple, much less two new couples was sometimes vomit-worthy. Add that to a hangover, and this was going to be a long morning.
After talking to James on the phone last night, I’d fallen into a deep sleep, aided, no doubt, by all the wine I’d consumed. I woke with a thick tongue, a splitting headache, and a queasy stomach—made even more queasy by the knowledge that I’d have to see Simon this morning and have that weird we-totally-made-out-last-night conversation.
James had made me feel better, though. He’d made me laugh, and I remembered how well he took care of me back in the day. It was a nice memory, and an even nicer feeling. He’d called under the pretense of checking with me about a paint color, which I quickly called as a bluff. Then he’d admitted he just wanted to talk to me, and fresh off the Great Hot Tub Rejection, I was happy to talk to someone I knew wanted my attention. Damn you, Simon. When James asked me to dinner next weekend, I agreed immediately. We’d have a great time…and since my O was back in her hidey-hole, I might as well enjoy a night on the town.
Now, I was seated at the breakfast table, surrounded by two new couples who were filling the kitchen with enough sexual satisfaction to make me scream. I didn’t though. I kept it to myself as Mimi perched happily on Ryan’s lap, and Neil fed Sophia melon balls as though he was put on the earth for this reason and this reason alone.
“How was the rest of your evening, Ms. Caroline?” Mimi chirped, raising a knowing eyebrow. I pressed the tines of my fork into her hand and told her to zip it.
“Wow, grumpy. Someone must have spent the night alone,” Sophia murmured to Neil.
I looked up at her in surprise. The casualness with which they were treating this was really starting to bother me.
“Well, of course I spent the night alone. Who the hell do you think I spent the night with? Huh?” I asked, slamming back from the table and knocking my orange juice glass over. “Ah, f**k it all to hell,” I muttered, stomping off toward the patio, tears threatening for the second time in less than twelve hours.
I sat in one of the Adirondack chairs, looking out over the lake. The cool of the morning soothed my heated face, and I wiped clumsily at my tears as I heard the girls footsteps follow me outside.
“I don’t want to talk about it, okay?” I instructed, as they took the seats opposite me.
“Okay…but you gotta give us something. I mean, I thought for sure when we left last night, I mean…you and Simon are just—” Mimi started, and I stopped her.
“Me and Simon nothing. There is no me and Simon. What, you thought we’d pair off just because you four finally figured your shit out? You’re welcome for that, by the way,” I snapped, pulling my ball cap down lower on my face, hiding my continuing tears from my best friends.
“Caroline, we just thought—” Sophia began, and I cut her off as well.
“You thought since we were the ones left over we’d just magically become a couple? How storybook—three sets of perfectly matched couples, right? Like that ever happens. This isn’t some romance novel.”
“Oh, come on, you two are perfect for each other. You called us blind last night? Hi, pot. It’s me, kettle,” Sophia snapped back.
“Hi, kettle, you have about thirty seconds before this pot kicks your ass. Nothing happened. Nothing is going to happen. In case you forgot, he has a harem, ladies. A harem! And I’m not about to become his third chippie. So you can forget it, okay?” I yelled, pushing out of the chair, turning for the house, and running right into a quiet Simon.
“Great! You’re here too! And I see you two peeking through the blinds, idiots!” I cried as Neil and Ryan backed away from the window.
“Caroline, can we talk, please?” Simon asked, grasping me by the arms and spinning me toward him.
“Sure, why not? Let’s make the embarrassment complete. Since I know you’re all dying to know, I threw myself at this guy last night, and he turned me down. Okay, secret’s out. Now can we please drop it?” I wiggled out of his grip and walked toward the trail to the lake. I heard nothing behind me and turned to see all five of them, wide eyed and evidently unsure what to do next.
“Hey! Come on, Simon. Let’s go,” I snapped my fingers, and he started after me, looking a little afraid.
I stomped down the trail and tried to slow my breathing. My heart was pounding, and I didn’t want to talk when I was this riled up. No good could come of it. As I breathed in and out, I took in the beautiful morning all around and tried to let that lighten my heart a bit. Did I need to make this more awkward that it already was? No. I had the control here, last night notwithstanding. I could make it so last night never happened, or I could certainly try.
I breathed again, feeling a bit of the tension leave my body. Despite everything that happened, I enjoyed Simon’s company and had to come to think of him as my friend. I still stomped along the path, but eventually eased back into a moderately pissy stroll.
“Caroline, my dear, you just got turned down by a man who once made a woman meow for thirty minutes straight. How do you feel?” the naked woman in the mirror asked me, turning my thumb into a little microphone. She gestured toward me, holding out her thumb.
“Well, I drank enough wine to sustain a small Spanish village, I haven’t had an orgasm in a thousand years, and I will probably die old and alone in a beautifully designed apartment with all of Clive’s illegitimate children swarming around me…How do you think I feel?” I asked back, offering Mirror Caroline her thumb.
“Silly Caroline, you had Clive neutered,” Mirror Caroline answered, shaking her head at me.
“Go f**k yourself, Mirror Caroline, since I can’t even do that,” I finished, ending the interview and taking my naked ass back into the bedroom. Throwing on a T-shirt, I fell into bed, my drunk self exhausted from the hike and the dinner and the wine and the music and the best make-out session I’d ever engaged in. The thought of it brought my tears to the surface again, and I rolled over to grab some tissues, only to find an empty box, which made me cry even harder.
Stupid Wallbanger voodoo.
Could this night get any worse?
Then my phone rang.
“Pancakes, sweetie?”
“Love some. Thanks, babe.”
Jesus.
“Is there still cream for the coffee?”
“I got your cream right here, honeybunch.”
Sweet Jesus.
Listening to a new couple, much less two new couples was sometimes vomit-worthy. Add that to a hangover, and this was going to be a long morning.
After talking to James on the phone last night, I’d fallen into a deep sleep, aided, no doubt, by all the wine I’d consumed. I woke with a thick tongue, a splitting headache, and a queasy stomach—made even more queasy by the knowledge that I’d have to see Simon this morning and have that weird we-totally-made-out-last-night conversation.
James had made me feel better, though. He’d made me laugh, and I remembered how well he took care of me back in the day. It was a nice memory, and an even nicer feeling. He’d called under the pretense of checking with me about a paint color, which I quickly called as a bluff. Then he’d admitted he just wanted to talk to me, and fresh off the Great Hot Tub Rejection, I was happy to talk to someone I knew wanted my attention. Damn you, Simon. When James asked me to dinner next weekend, I agreed immediately. We’d have a great time…and since my O was back in her hidey-hole, I might as well enjoy a night on the town.
Now, I was seated at the breakfast table, surrounded by two new couples who were filling the kitchen with enough sexual satisfaction to make me scream. I didn’t though. I kept it to myself as Mimi perched happily on Ryan’s lap, and Neil fed Sophia melon balls as though he was put on the earth for this reason and this reason alone.
“How was the rest of your evening, Ms. Caroline?” Mimi chirped, raising a knowing eyebrow. I pressed the tines of my fork into her hand and told her to zip it.
“Wow, grumpy. Someone must have spent the night alone,” Sophia murmured to Neil.
I looked up at her in surprise. The casualness with which they were treating this was really starting to bother me.
“Well, of course I spent the night alone. Who the hell do you think I spent the night with? Huh?” I asked, slamming back from the table and knocking my orange juice glass over. “Ah, f**k it all to hell,” I muttered, stomping off toward the patio, tears threatening for the second time in less than twelve hours.
I sat in one of the Adirondack chairs, looking out over the lake. The cool of the morning soothed my heated face, and I wiped clumsily at my tears as I heard the girls footsteps follow me outside.
“I don’t want to talk about it, okay?” I instructed, as they took the seats opposite me.
“Okay…but you gotta give us something. I mean, I thought for sure when we left last night, I mean…you and Simon are just—” Mimi started, and I stopped her.
“Me and Simon nothing. There is no me and Simon. What, you thought we’d pair off just because you four finally figured your shit out? You’re welcome for that, by the way,” I snapped, pulling my ball cap down lower on my face, hiding my continuing tears from my best friends.
“Caroline, we just thought—” Sophia began, and I cut her off as well.
“You thought since we were the ones left over we’d just magically become a couple? How storybook—three sets of perfectly matched couples, right? Like that ever happens. This isn’t some romance novel.”
“Oh, come on, you two are perfect for each other. You called us blind last night? Hi, pot. It’s me, kettle,” Sophia snapped back.
“Hi, kettle, you have about thirty seconds before this pot kicks your ass. Nothing happened. Nothing is going to happen. In case you forgot, he has a harem, ladies. A harem! And I’m not about to become his third chippie. So you can forget it, okay?” I yelled, pushing out of the chair, turning for the house, and running right into a quiet Simon.
“Great! You’re here too! And I see you two peeking through the blinds, idiots!” I cried as Neil and Ryan backed away from the window.
“Caroline, can we talk, please?” Simon asked, grasping me by the arms and spinning me toward him.
“Sure, why not? Let’s make the embarrassment complete. Since I know you’re all dying to know, I threw myself at this guy last night, and he turned me down. Okay, secret’s out. Now can we please drop it?” I wiggled out of his grip and walked toward the trail to the lake. I heard nothing behind me and turned to see all five of them, wide eyed and evidently unsure what to do next.
“Hey! Come on, Simon. Let’s go,” I snapped my fingers, and he started after me, looking a little afraid.
I stomped down the trail and tried to slow my breathing. My heart was pounding, and I didn’t want to talk when I was this riled up. No good could come of it. As I breathed in and out, I took in the beautiful morning all around and tried to let that lighten my heart a bit. Did I need to make this more awkward that it already was? No. I had the control here, last night notwithstanding. I could make it so last night never happened, or I could certainly try.
I breathed again, feeling a bit of the tension leave my body. Despite everything that happened, I enjoyed Simon’s company and had to come to think of him as my friend. I still stomped along the path, but eventually eased back into a moderately pissy stroll.
