I saw him wince, and I pounced, sensing weakness. “Do you think I don’t understand why you’re turning away from me? I loved him, too, but he’s not here. And even if he were, he’s not in charge of us.”
I waited for Evan to say something. To pull me in his arms. To tell me I was an idiot. To just plain turn and walk away from me.
But he said nothing. He did nothing.
And my temper flared.
“You know what? Fuck you, Evan Black.”
I reached over and pushed the button to call the elevator. This time, he didn’t stop me.
“Fuck you,” I repeated.
I stood, vibrating with anger as I waited. Finally, the doors opened, and I started to step onto the car. I stopped when his fingers closed around my upper arm.
I didn’t turn.
“It’s for the best,” he said, his voice so low I could barely hear him. “Your uncle was right. I’m not a safe bet.”
I waited one beat, then another. Then I shook my arm free, stepped onto the elevator, and didn’t look back.
eleven
I needed to get lost. Needed to get free. My head was swimming with everything that was going on around me—Jahn, my parents, Kevin. And Evan. At the center of it all, there was always Evan. His proximity. His desire. His heat.
His rejection.
I felt as if my mind—hell, as if my life—was trying to tune in to a particular frequency and all it could find was static. As if I was bouncing around lost in the stratosphere with no rope, no guide, to bring me back down to where I belonged.
I was anxious and frantic and needy and confused. I needed release even as much as I needed an anchor. I needed to appease the demons. I needed—
Oh, hell, I didn’t know what I needed. But I knew that whatever it was, adrenaline would soothe it. If I could just manufacture that wild rush of sensation, then maybe all this static in my head would go away. Maybe I could get clear. Maybe I could think.
Because I damn sure wasn’t thinking right then. Not as I barreled down the streets, pushing past other pedestrians, ignoring crossing signals, and letting my feet eat up the pavement.
And I wasn’t thinking when I wandered into department stores. When I let my fingers trail idly over blouses, over jeans, over purses and samples of cologne.
But as I wandered—as my mind started to focus on the ways that I could manufacture that singular sensation that would restore my clarity and help me find my center—that was when my surroundings took focus. That was when I started to realize where I was and what I could do.
What I needed to do if I wanted to get clear.
Department store.
Jewelry.
Do it.
I felt the tingle in my palms and the quickening beat of my heart.
It would be so easy. So fast, so clean.
So perfect.
I mean, sure. Maybe I’d messed up before. But that didn’t mean this would go wrong. This time, maybe everything would come together. Maybe this time, the rush would be enough to pull me through. Hell, maybe it would even last until I got to Washington.
And then—well, then, I’d just have to learn to keep myself in check. Because I’d be a different girl then. A different me. A new Angie altogether.
Just do it.
I sucked in air, willing myself to take it down a notch. I was just a girl. Just a shopper. I was just looking around, just letting my fingers dance over the countertops, the displays. I picked up a pair of earrings, then held them up as I inspected my image in mirror.
I put them back, unimpressed.
I picked up a pair of sunglasses and returned them, too, equally unimpressed.
I was alone, unobserved, and when I picked up the bracelets, then moved to casually drop them into my purse, I was certain that no one would see me.
Don’t.
The voice in my head was bold and assertive, but I wasn’t even certain I’d heard it.
Goddammit, don’t.
I sucked in air, then saw a saleswoman in the shoe department glance my way. I froze, suddenly terrified, then dropped the bracelets back on the display table. There was an exit just twenty or so yards away, and I willed my feet to move me in that direction, because I needed to get clear before I collapsed.
Because I was absolutely certain that the collapse was coming.
It was about the hardest thing I’d ever done, but I managed to make it out of the store before my legs gave out. I sank to the ground, my back to the cool stone façade, my tailored linen slacks probably getting ruined on the filthy sidewalk.
Tourists and locals hurried by me, some ignoring me completely, others glancing warily my direction. I barely saw them through the blur of tears and the red haze of confusion and loss and regret.
Maybe I’d managed to get my shit together in there, yes, but I wouldn’t exactly call it a victory. I was a mess. A horrible, raging, fucked up mess. And all I could think about was the way Evan had held me. The way he’d soothed me. The way he’d kept the nightmares at bay. And, more, the way that I was certain he would keep all my demons at bay. The ones that haunted my nights as well as the ones that crept up on me during the days.
He was what I craved. More, he was what I needed.
But I couldn’t have him. And that one simple truth would end up breaking me.
It took a few hours to pull myself together, and I spent the time wandering aimlessly down the Magnificent Mile and the intersecting streets. Even then, I still didn’t feel clear. I needed to get it out, to talk about what was churning around inside of me. I needed familiarity and forward motion.
Naturally, I called Kat.
I didn’t confess to almost stealing the bracelets, but I did tell her that I was a mess—and that it was Evan who’d gotten me there. Evan and my father and Kevin, too. The whole nasty business that was bubbling up into a big, molten, explosive mess.
And, in true BFF fashion, she’d known exactly what to do—a girls’ night in.
We’d made cupcakes, licked the mixing bowl, drank beer, and talked about nonsense, all of which had brought me down to the level of feeling human. And maybe even slightly centered.
Now we were kicked back in Jahn’s media room, fresh beers in our hands and a plate of warm cupcakes between us. Kat had control of the remote because my uncle’s entertainment system baffled me, and she’d been scrolling through iTunes, looking for something to rent. Now she put the remote in the cupholder and shifted to face me more directly, every bit of her body language shouting that we were about to move from general comfort to a Serious Conversation.
“Not a safe bet?” Kat said, repeating what I’d told her about Evan’s parting comment. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Beats me,” I said, which wasn’t entirely accurate. I’d juxtaposed Evan’s words against Kevin’s accusations, and it hadn’t taken a massive mental leap to reach the conclusion that Kevin must be right. Evan, Cole, and Tyler were into something. I just didn’t know what.
“Oh, come on,” Kat said. “You’ve known him for forever.”
“Hardly,” I said. “I met him when I was sixteen.”
“Like I said. Forever. You must have some idea of why he’d say that about himself.”
“Fine,” I said. “I’ve been around him forever. I’ve been in lust with him forever. But ‘being around’ and ‘being in lust’ don’t translate into knowing his deep dark secrets, you know? I mean, I don’t even know where he lives.”
I waited for Evan to say something. To pull me in his arms. To tell me I was an idiot. To just plain turn and walk away from me.
But he said nothing. He did nothing.
And my temper flared.
“You know what? Fuck you, Evan Black.”
I reached over and pushed the button to call the elevator. This time, he didn’t stop me.
“Fuck you,” I repeated.
I stood, vibrating with anger as I waited. Finally, the doors opened, and I started to step onto the car. I stopped when his fingers closed around my upper arm.
I didn’t turn.
“It’s for the best,” he said, his voice so low I could barely hear him. “Your uncle was right. I’m not a safe bet.”
I waited one beat, then another. Then I shook my arm free, stepped onto the elevator, and didn’t look back.
eleven
I needed to get lost. Needed to get free. My head was swimming with everything that was going on around me—Jahn, my parents, Kevin. And Evan. At the center of it all, there was always Evan. His proximity. His desire. His heat.
His rejection.
I felt as if my mind—hell, as if my life—was trying to tune in to a particular frequency and all it could find was static. As if I was bouncing around lost in the stratosphere with no rope, no guide, to bring me back down to where I belonged.
I was anxious and frantic and needy and confused. I needed release even as much as I needed an anchor. I needed to appease the demons. I needed—
Oh, hell, I didn’t know what I needed. But I knew that whatever it was, adrenaline would soothe it. If I could just manufacture that wild rush of sensation, then maybe all this static in my head would go away. Maybe I could get clear. Maybe I could think.
Because I damn sure wasn’t thinking right then. Not as I barreled down the streets, pushing past other pedestrians, ignoring crossing signals, and letting my feet eat up the pavement.
And I wasn’t thinking when I wandered into department stores. When I let my fingers trail idly over blouses, over jeans, over purses and samples of cologne.
But as I wandered—as my mind started to focus on the ways that I could manufacture that singular sensation that would restore my clarity and help me find my center—that was when my surroundings took focus. That was when I started to realize where I was and what I could do.
What I needed to do if I wanted to get clear.
Department store.
Jewelry.
Do it.
I felt the tingle in my palms and the quickening beat of my heart.
It would be so easy. So fast, so clean.
So perfect.
I mean, sure. Maybe I’d messed up before. But that didn’t mean this would go wrong. This time, maybe everything would come together. Maybe this time, the rush would be enough to pull me through. Hell, maybe it would even last until I got to Washington.
And then—well, then, I’d just have to learn to keep myself in check. Because I’d be a different girl then. A different me. A new Angie altogether.
Just do it.
I sucked in air, willing myself to take it down a notch. I was just a girl. Just a shopper. I was just looking around, just letting my fingers dance over the countertops, the displays. I picked up a pair of earrings, then held them up as I inspected my image in mirror.
I put them back, unimpressed.
I picked up a pair of sunglasses and returned them, too, equally unimpressed.
I was alone, unobserved, and when I picked up the bracelets, then moved to casually drop them into my purse, I was certain that no one would see me.
Don’t.
The voice in my head was bold and assertive, but I wasn’t even certain I’d heard it.
Goddammit, don’t.
I sucked in air, then saw a saleswoman in the shoe department glance my way. I froze, suddenly terrified, then dropped the bracelets back on the display table. There was an exit just twenty or so yards away, and I willed my feet to move me in that direction, because I needed to get clear before I collapsed.
Because I was absolutely certain that the collapse was coming.
It was about the hardest thing I’d ever done, but I managed to make it out of the store before my legs gave out. I sank to the ground, my back to the cool stone façade, my tailored linen slacks probably getting ruined on the filthy sidewalk.
Tourists and locals hurried by me, some ignoring me completely, others glancing warily my direction. I barely saw them through the blur of tears and the red haze of confusion and loss and regret.
Maybe I’d managed to get my shit together in there, yes, but I wouldn’t exactly call it a victory. I was a mess. A horrible, raging, fucked up mess. And all I could think about was the way Evan had held me. The way he’d soothed me. The way he’d kept the nightmares at bay. And, more, the way that I was certain he would keep all my demons at bay. The ones that haunted my nights as well as the ones that crept up on me during the days.
He was what I craved. More, he was what I needed.
But I couldn’t have him. And that one simple truth would end up breaking me.
It took a few hours to pull myself together, and I spent the time wandering aimlessly down the Magnificent Mile and the intersecting streets. Even then, I still didn’t feel clear. I needed to get it out, to talk about what was churning around inside of me. I needed familiarity and forward motion.
Naturally, I called Kat.
I didn’t confess to almost stealing the bracelets, but I did tell her that I was a mess—and that it was Evan who’d gotten me there. Evan and my father and Kevin, too. The whole nasty business that was bubbling up into a big, molten, explosive mess.
And, in true BFF fashion, she’d known exactly what to do—a girls’ night in.
We’d made cupcakes, licked the mixing bowl, drank beer, and talked about nonsense, all of which had brought me down to the level of feeling human. And maybe even slightly centered.
Now we were kicked back in Jahn’s media room, fresh beers in our hands and a plate of warm cupcakes between us. Kat had control of the remote because my uncle’s entertainment system baffled me, and she’d been scrolling through iTunes, looking for something to rent. Now she put the remote in the cupholder and shifted to face me more directly, every bit of her body language shouting that we were about to move from general comfort to a Serious Conversation.
“Not a safe bet?” Kat said, repeating what I’d told her about Evan’s parting comment. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Beats me,” I said, which wasn’t entirely accurate. I’d juxtaposed Evan’s words against Kevin’s accusations, and it hadn’t taken a massive mental leap to reach the conclusion that Kevin must be right. Evan, Cole, and Tyler were into something. I just didn’t know what.
“Oh, come on,” Kat said. “You’ve known him for forever.”
“Hardly,” I said. “I met him when I was sixteen.”
“Like I said. Forever. You must have some idea of why he’d say that about himself.”
“Fine,” I said. “I’ve been around him forever. I’ve been in lust with him forever. But ‘being around’ and ‘being in lust’ don’t translate into knowing his deep dark secrets, you know? I mean, I don’t even know where he lives.”
