"Mary, all I'm saying is that if she can't face it then we're not going to put her under pressure. We'll help her in every way that we can."
"Jack!" said Mum sharply. "She's a grown woman and--"
"But Mary--" interrupted Dad.
"Stop it!" I said loudly.
I knew that I had better nip this in the bud. This one could run and run, as they say. They both looked at me in surprise. Almost as if they had for- gotten that I was there.
"I want to see him," I said, a bit more quietly. "You're right, Mum, I am a grown woman. I'm the only person who can sort this out. And I do have Kate to think of. She's the most important person in all of this."
"And thanks, Dad." I nodded at him. "It's nice to know that I can rely on you to round up a lynch mob if I need one."
"A lynch mob?" he spluttered. "Well, I don't know about that. But if you think you might need one, I could ask a couple of the chaps at the golf club. See what they say."
"Oh Daddy," I said wearily. "I'm kidding."
"He said that he'd call in the morning," said Mum.
255
"What time?" I asked.
"Ten o'clock," said Mum.
"Okay," I said.
If James said that he would ring at ten o'clock in the morning, James would ring at ten o'clock in the morning. Not at eighteen seconds past ten, you understand, or at half a minute before ten.
But at ten.
He might have left me for another woman, but in some departments he was the most reliable man you could hope to meet.
"And what time is it now?" I asked.
"Twenty past three," said Dad.
"I suppose I'd better go to bed then," I said. "Big day tomorrow and all that."
Although I knew that I wouldn't sleep a wink.
"We'll all go to bed," said Mum. "Anyway, where were you until this hour?"
"Having sex with Adam," I told them.
Dad gave a loud bark of nervous laughter.
Mum looked stricken.
And well you might, I thought. You were the one who put the idea in my head in the first place.
"No, I'm being serious now," said Mum. "What were you up to?"
"I am being serious." I smiled. "Good night."
Mum looked appalled. She didn't know whether to believe me or not, but she obviously suspected the worst. She stood there opening and closing her mouth like a goldfish as I shut the door behind me.
I don't think she even noticed Dad pulling at her dressing gown and hissing at her, "Which one of them is Adam?"
256
twenty-four
I went to bed and I was right.
I didn't sleep a wink.
Why was James here?
Was this going to be a reconciliation attempt?
Or was it just to tidy up loose ends?
Could I bear it if he just wanted to tidy up the loose ends?
Did I want a reconciliation attempt?
Was he still with Denise?
A thought struck me--Jesus, what if he had brought Denise with him?
I sat bolt upright in bed. Fury surged through me.
The rotten bastard. He wouldn't do that, would he?
I forced myself to calm down. I had no proof that he had done anything of the sort and there was no point getting angry over things that might not have happened.
I had to keep Kate in the forefront of my mind. She was the most import- ant person in all of this. I wanted things to be civil with James so that he would be in Kate's life. Even if he never wanted to see me again, I still wanted him to be there for her.
So I couldn't exactly go for him with a machete when I saw him.
I couldn't really believe it.
I'd be seeing him tomorrow.
And what if the unthinkable happened and he wanted to try again with me?
257
Then what?
I didn't know.
And what about Adam?
The man whose bed I'd just left.
I can't think about that now, I thought.
My head was so crowded, it was standing room only. In fact, a few hardy thoughts were standing outside my head, with their drinks, in the pouring rain, where at least there was a bit of space.
But there was no room at all for Adam.
Forget it, I told myself, you can't possibly think about it now. Wait till all this is over, one way or the other, and then think about him.
And then I started to wonder. Why?
You know, why had James left me? Why had James gone off with Denise when I had thought our relationship was so good? I hadn't tortured myself with these thoughts in a while.
But tomorrow I was going to at least try to get some answers to these questions.
If I could understand what had gone wrong, or what I had done wrong, maybe it wouldn't be so hard to live with.
I wished there was some kind of switch on my brain. That I could turn it off in the same way that I could turn off the television. Just click it off and immediately empty my mind of all these images and worrying thoughts. And simply leave a blank screen. Or if I could just remove my head and put it on my bedside table and forget about it until morning. And then attach it again when I needed it.
Morning finally rolled around and I was still no better off in the sleep department.
I jumped out of bed and was vaguely aware of a slight stiffness in my inner thighs. "Why's that?" I wondered. And then I remembered. "Oh, er, yes, that's right." I flushed a bit as I remembered what I had been up to the previous evening. "Adam. Sex. But I can't think about it now."
Honestly, damn James!
I was being denied the pleasure of lolling around in bed, dreamily recall- ing every detail of my Night of Lust with Adam.
Instead I had to get up and run around and Prepare for
258
His Arrival. As though he was the Pope or a visiting head of state.
After I fed Kate her bottle, I bathed her and dressed her in her sweetest outfit. A fluffy pink one with little gray elephants all over it.
I covered her in talcum powder and held her close and inhaled her beautiful milky baby smell.
"You look gorgeous," I assured her. "Any man's fancy. And if he doesn't realize it then he's an even bigger fool than I already think he is."
I wanted her to look divine. I wanted her to look like the most beautiful baby on the planet. I wanted James to ache for her.
To hold her, to kiss her, to feed her, to smell her.
"Jack!" said Mum sharply. "She's a grown woman and--"
"But Mary--" interrupted Dad.
"Stop it!" I said loudly.
I knew that I had better nip this in the bud. This one could run and run, as they say. They both looked at me in surprise. Almost as if they had for- gotten that I was there.
"I want to see him," I said, a bit more quietly. "You're right, Mum, I am a grown woman. I'm the only person who can sort this out. And I do have Kate to think of. She's the most important person in all of this."
"And thanks, Dad." I nodded at him. "It's nice to know that I can rely on you to round up a lynch mob if I need one."
"A lynch mob?" he spluttered. "Well, I don't know about that. But if you think you might need one, I could ask a couple of the chaps at the golf club. See what they say."
"Oh Daddy," I said wearily. "I'm kidding."
"He said that he'd call in the morning," said Mum.
255
"What time?" I asked.
"Ten o'clock," said Mum.
"Okay," I said.
If James said that he would ring at ten o'clock in the morning, James would ring at ten o'clock in the morning. Not at eighteen seconds past ten, you understand, or at half a minute before ten.
But at ten.
He might have left me for another woman, but in some departments he was the most reliable man you could hope to meet.
"And what time is it now?" I asked.
"Twenty past three," said Dad.
"I suppose I'd better go to bed then," I said. "Big day tomorrow and all that."
Although I knew that I wouldn't sleep a wink.
"We'll all go to bed," said Mum. "Anyway, where were you until this hour?"
"Having sex with Adam," I told them.
Dad gave a loud bark of nervous laughter.
Mum looked stricken.
And well you might, I thought. You were the one who put the idea in my head in the first place.
"No, I'm being serious now," said Mum. "What were you up to?"
"I am being serious." I smiled. "Good night."
Mum looked appalled. She didn't know whether to believe me or not, but she obviously suspected the worst. She stood there opening and closing her mouth like a goldfish as I shut the door behind me.
I don't think she even noticed Dad pulling at her dressing gown and hissing at her, "Which one of them is Adam?"
256
twenty-four
I went to bed and I was right.
I didn't sleep a wink.
Why was James here?
Was this going to be a reconciliation attempt?
Or was it just to tidy up loose ends?
Could I bear it if he just wanted to tidy up the loose ends?
Did I want a reconciliation attempt?
Was he still with Denise?
A thought struck me--Jesus, what if he had brought Denise with him?
I sat bolt upright in bed. Fury surged through me.
The rotten bastard. He wouldn't do that, would he?
I forced myself to calm down. I had no proof that he had done anything of the sort and there was no point getting angry over things that might not have happened.
I had to keep Kate in the forefront of my mind. She was the most import- ant person in all of this. I wanted things to be civil with James so that he would be in Kate's life. Even if he never wanted to see me again, I still wanted him to be there for her.
So I couldn't exactly go for him with a machete when I saw him.
I couldn't really believe it.
I'd be seeing him tomorrow.
And what if the unthinkable happened and he wanted to try again with me?
257
Then what?
I didn't know.
And what about Adam?
The man whose bed I'd just left.
I can't think about that now, I thought.
My head was so crowded, it was standing room only. In fact, a few hardy thoughts were standing outside my head, with their drinks, in the pouring rain, where at least there was a bit of space.
But there was no room at all for Adam.
Forget it, I told myself, you can't possibly think about it now. Wait till all this is over, one way or the other, and then think about him.
And then I started to wonder. Why?
You know, why had James left me? Why had James gone off with Denise when I had thought our relationship was so good? I hadn't tortured myself with these thoughts in a while.
But tomorrow I was going to at least try to get some answers to these questions.
If I could understand what had gone wrong, or what I had done wrong, maybe it wouldn't be so hard to live with.
I wished there was some kind of switch on my brain. That I could turn it off in the same way that I could turn off the television. Just click it off and immediately empty my mind of all these images and worrying thoughts. And simply leave a blank screen. Or if I could just remove my head and put it on my bedside table and forget about it until morning. And then attach it again when I needed it.
Morning finally rolled around and I was still no better off in the sleep department.
I jumped out of bed and was vaguely aware of a slight stiffness in my inner thighs. "Why's that?" I wondered. And then I remembered. "Oh, er, yes, that's right." I flushed a bit as I remembered what I had been up to the previous evening. "Adam. Sex. But I can't think about it now."
Honestly, damn James!
I was being denied the pleasure of lolling around in bed, dreamily recall- ing every detail of my Night of Lust with Adam.
Instead I had to get up and run around and Prepare for
258
His Arrival. As though he was the Pope or a visiting head of state.
After I fed Kate her bottle, I bathed her and dressed her in her sweetest outfit. A fluffy pink one with little gray elephants all over it.
I covered her in talcum powder and held her close and inhaled her beautiful milky baby smell.
"You look gorgeous," I assured her. "Any man's fancy. And if he doesn't realize it then he's an even bigger fool than I already think he is."
I wanted her to look divine. I wanted her to look like the most beautiful baby on the planet. I wanted James to ache for her.
To hold her, to kiss her, to feed her, to smell her.
