I just sighed.
Regardless of Shay’s attempts to throttle the night with her glares and snide remarks, Willow’s promise held true. We did have a good time. We rode ride after ride and took ridiculous pictures with my camera. I even took a few photos of Shay and Mason, though it almost killed me to do so. Maybe Rhodes was right. Maybe I really was too nice.
Willow wasn’t the only one who brought flasks. Everyone in the group was passing them around all night and when they ran out, we found a local carny who knew me. He hooked us up with Coca-Cola cups filled with booze and we were pretty much set after that. No one questioned the red cup and by eleven, most of us were sloshed.
I had avoided eating all night, trying to stick to the meal plan Rhodes had prescribed, but the drunchies were catching up to me. When the gang started to head toward the Ferris wheel, I told Willow I had to pee and snuck away into the bathroom to eat the protein bar I’d packed in my purse. It felt a little weird eating in the bathroom stall, but it was better than doing it in front of Shay. I could only imagine the remarks she’d have for me eating a protein bar.
When I finished, I let myself break the seal, which always made me feel even more intoxicated when I stood back up again. Thoughts of Rhodes and the hot tub were creeping in as I washed my hands but I didn’t have time to dwell on them, because as I dried my hands on a harsh brown paper towel, the bathroom door opened and Shay stepped in with her friend.
My heartbeat accelerated.
“Oh heyyy, Natalie,” she cooed sweetly, but she blocked the exit and I knew that sweetness was laced with venom. “Fancy meeting you in here.”
“I don’t want any trouble with you, Shay,” I said, tossing the paper towel I’d used into the trash can. “Let’s just get back to everyone else and finish out the night. We’re both mature enough to do that, right?” Even as the words left my lips, I shook. I wasn’t confident in my ability to be mature any more than I was hers.
She barked out a harsh laugh that seemed too big for her body. “Oh, Natalie. Sweet, naive Natalie. Don’t you get it?” She paused, her lips pressed together as if I were a poor child on the side of the road and she was offering me a grilled cheese. “You don’t belong here anymore.”
Her words slammed into me hard, but I lifted my chin. I was determined to stand tall. She seemed to notice, so she stepped closer to me, her eyes leveling out to mine. They were so menacing for such a tiny thing.
“No one cares about you, Natalie. Can’t you see that?” She pointed to the door. “Everyone in that group uses you because you can get them things. Your step-dad owns the town and you have privilege. You’re useful. But no one cares about you. Maybe Willow, for reasons I’ll never understand, but no one else. Stephanie doesn’t care about you, Dustin doesn’t care about you, and Mason doesn’t nor has he ever. They all feel sorry for you, Natalie. You’re the fat girl with a lot of money who’s good to keep around for resources. That’s all you are. And that’s all you’ll ever be to them.”
My resolve cracked and my shoulders slumped, tears biting at the back of my eyes. I tried blinking them away, but the liquid only pooled between my lids, blurring my vision.
“Aw, look Tawnya. She’s crying.” They both snickered and I shoved through them, wiping my face as I did. When I made it outside and the warm, thick air hit my skin, Mason was just a few steps from the bathroom door. Everyone else stood several yards away, laughing and looking at something on Willow’s phone, but Mason was too close to pretend he didn’t know what just happened. He’d heard everything, I knew he had, so I waited. I waited for him to stand up for me, to take my side, to put Shay in her place, but when Shay walked out behind me, still laughing, she slid her hand into his and he took it.
I crumpled as I lifted my eyes from where their hands were clasped to stare at Mason, open-mouthed. He still wore apologies in his eyes but no words came to support them. It was then that it hit me.
He wasn’t my Mason, anymore.
“Who are you?” I asked, voice cracking. I shook my head, tears still streaming down my hot cheeks. Then, before I embarrassed myself further, I broke through my group of friends — or, what I had always thought were my friends — and bee-lined for the parking lot. Willow chased after me.
“Natalie! Natalie, where are you going?”
“I’m leaving, Willow. I can’t do this,” I called out behind me, eyes forward.
“What? What are you talking about? What happened? I thought we were having fun,” she pleaded as she caught up to me. She wore a confused expression and it tore me up to think that maybe I’d held her back all these years. She was friends with the loser fat girl.
“You’re having fun,” I corrected her, spinning to face her and halting in my tracks. “I’m miserable. I have been since we got here. Shay just ripped into me in the bathroom and I was mad at her at first but now I almost want to thank her,” I admitted, a short laugh escaping my lips. “Because she’s right, Willow. I don’t belong here. Not in this group, not at this fair.” I motioned to the rides around us, my arm falling to my side with a slap. Pulling my bottom lip between my teeth, I shook my head. “Not in this town.”
“Natalie,” she reached out to touch me but I shrugged away from her.
“I’ll call you tomorrow. Please, don’t follow me.”
With that, I spun on my heels and walked as fast as I could in the stupid shoes I was wearing away from the group. I wasn’t sure if they’d heard what I’d said to Willow. Part of me hoped not, part of me didn’t care. I tried to hold myself together as I made my way through the crowd, but the further away I got, the more it seemed like the string tethering me to the ground was shredding into nothing. My breath was labored, tears flooded my eyes and ran down my face, and I felt a pain like nothing I’d ever experienced racking my chest.
I was nothing. I didn’t belong.
I was almost to the exit when I stopped in line at a fried food booth. I knew I shouldn’t, but I couldn’t stop myself. Food was always my answer. When I hurt, I turned to food. And at that moment, I didn’t have the fight to stop myself.
“What would you like, miss?” the man asked me when I reached the front of the line. He had dark, leather-like skin and lines on his face that told me he had worked his entire life. He eyed me cautiously and I realized I probably had makeup smeared everywhere. I chewed my lip, something inside me still trying to fight against what I was about to do.
Regardless of Shay’s attempts to throttle the night with her glares and snide remarks, Willow’s promise held true. We did have a good time. We rode ride after ride and took ridiculous pictures with my camera. I even took a few photos of Shay and Mason, though it almost killed me to do so. Maybe Rhodes was right. Maybe I really was too nice.
Willow wasn’t the only one who brought flasks. Everyone in the group was passing them around all night and when they ran out, we found a local carny who knew me. He hooked us up with Coca-Cola cups filled with booze and we were pretty much set after that. No one questioned the red cup and by eleven, most of us were sloshed.
I had avoided eating all night, trying to stick to the meal plan Rhodes had prescribed, but the drunchies were catching up to me. When the gang started to head toward the Ferris wheel, I told Willow I had to pee and snuck away into the bathroom to eat the protein bar I’d packed in my purse. It felt a little weird eating in the bathroom stall, but it was better than doing it in front of Shay. I could only imagine the remarks she’d have for me eating a protein bar.
When I finished, I let myself break the seal, which always made me feel even more intoxicated when I stood back up again. Thoughts of Rhodes and the hot tub were creeping in as I washed my hands but I didn’t have time to dwell on them, because as I dried my hands on a harsh brown paper towel, the bathroom door opened and Shay stepped in with her friend.
My heartbeat accelerated.
“Oh heyyy, Natalie,” she cooed sweetly, but she blocked the exit and I knew that sweetness was laced with venom. “Fancy meeting you in here.”
“I don’t want any trouble with you, Shay,” I said, tossing the paper towel I’d used into the trash can. “Let’s just get back to everyone else and finish out the night. We’re both mature enough to do that, right?” Even as the words left my lips, I shook. I wasn’t confident in my ability to be mature any more than I was hers.
She barked out a harsh laugh that seemed too big for her body. “Oh, Natalie. Sweet, naive Natalie. Don’t you get it?” She paused, her lips pressed together as if I were a poor child on the side of the road and she was offering me a grilled cheese. “You don’t belong here anymore.”
Her words slammed into me hard, but I lifted my chin. I was determined to stand tall. She seemed to notice, so she stepped closer to me, her eyes leveling out to mine. They were so menacing for such a tiny thing.
“No one cares about you, Natalie. Can’t you see that?” She pointed to the door. “Everyone in that group uses you because you can get them things. Your step-dad owns the town and you have privilege. You’re useful. But no one cares about you. Maybe Willow, for reasons I’ll never understand, but no one else. Stephanie doesn’t care about you, Dustin doesn’t care about you, and Mason doesn’t nor has he ever. They all feel sorry for you, Natalie. You’re the fat girl with a lot of money who’s good to keep around for resources. That’s all you are. And that’s all you’ll ever be to them.”
My resolve cracked and my shoulders slumped, tears biting at the back of my eyes. I tried blinking them away, but the liquid only pooled between my lids, blurring my vision.
“Aw, look Tawnya. She’s crying.” They both snickered and I shoved through them, wiping my face as I did. When I made it outside and the warm, thick air hit my skin, Mason was just a few steps from the bathroom door. Everyone else stood several yards away, laughing and looking at something on Willow’s phone, but Mason was too close to pretend he didn’t know what just happened. He’d heard everything, I knew he had, so I waited. I waited for him to stand up for me, to take my side, to put Shay in her place, but when Shay walked out behind me, still laughing, she slid her hand into his and he took it.
I crumpled as I lifted my eyes from where their hands were clasped to stare at Mason, open-mouthed. He still wore apologies in his eyes but no words came to support them. It was then that it hit me.
He wasn’t my Mason, anymore.
“Who are you?” I asked, voice cracking. I shook my head, tears still streaming down my hot cheeks. Then, before I embarrassed myself further, I broke through my group of friends — or, what I had always thought were my friends — and bee-lined for the parking lot. Willow chased after me.
“Natalie! Natalie, where are you going?”
“I’m leaving, Willow. I can’t do this,” I called out behind me, eyes forward.
“What? What are you talking about? What happened? I thought we were having fun,” she pleaded as she caught up to me. She wore a confused expression and it tore me up to think that maybe I’d held her back all these years. She was friends with the loser fat girl.
“You’re having fun,” I corrected her, spinning to face her and halting in my tracks. “I’m miserable. I have been since we got here. Shay just ripped into me in the bathroom and I was mad at her at first but now I almost want to thank her,” I admitted, a short laugh escaping my lips. “Because she’s right, Willow. I don’t belong here. Not in this group, not at this fair.” I motioned to the rides around us, my arm falling to my side with a slap. Pulling my bottom lip between my teeth, I shook my head. “Not in this town.”
“Natalie,” she reached out to touch me but I shrugged away from her.
“I’ll call you tomorrow. Please, don’t follow me.”
With that, I spun on my heels and walked as fast as I could in the stupid shoes I was wearing away from the group. I wasn’t sure if they’d heard what I’d said to Willow. Part of me hoped not, part of me didn’t care. I tried to hold myself together as I made my way through the crowd, but the further away I got, the more it seemed like the string tethering me to the ground was shredding into nothing. My breath was labored, tears flooded my eyes and ran down my face, and I felt a pain like nothing I’d ever experienced racking my chest.
I was nothing. I didn’t belong.
I was almost to the exit when I stopped in line at a fried food booth. I knew I shouldn’t, but I couldn’t stop myself. Food was always my answer. When I hurt, I turned to food. And at that moment, I didn’t have the fight to stop myself.
“What would you like, miss?” the man asked me when I reached the front of the line. He had dark, leather-like skin and lines on his face that told me he had worked his entire life. He eyed me cautiously and I realized I probably had makeup smeared everywhere. I chewed my lip, something inside me still trying to fight against what I was about to do.
