Eventually, I found myself at the park he’d taken me just a few days before. I pulled out my camera and took pictures without studying the frame. As the soft shutter button sounded over and over again, I wondered if Rhodes would have been different had his sister not disappeared. I snapped the swings, their empty seats blowing in the wind of the impending storm, and I imagined a younger Rhodes there. I asked myself if he would have looked peaceful, if he would have smiled, if he would have laughed — all questions I had no answer to.
I sat on the same picnic bench he’d kissed me on just a few nights before. I could still feel his lips on mine, hear his words in my ear as he told me I didn’t deserve the shit he gave me. But the strange thing was, I wanted that pain. I wanted to help him when he felt low, push him up to solid ground, carry him when he couldn’t carry himself. But he didn’t want me.
Even after everything, he would lay with another woman that night, and what killed me most was that I knew he was better than that.
The first echo of thunder rumbled the playground around me and filtered through my core, twisting in to fill the gaps between my guilt and anger. It shook me so hard I dropped my camera, the strap around my neck the only thing saving it from shattering.
If only I’d had a safety strap, too.
Sleep didn’t come that night. I was restless, tossing and turning, twisting in the sheets and huffing out in frustration when my mind still wouldn’t shut off. When dawn finally broke, I pretended to be asleep long enough for Mom to wake me up to have breakfast with her. She and Dale were leaving in just a few hours for another business trip, and Mom wanted to make me pancakes — even though they weren’t on my meal plan and Christina was already there and could have cooked, instead.
I didn’t fight her on it.
Once they left, the silence of our large house surrounded me, but I found it strangely comforting. I expected to feel more broken than I did. Was I just numb? Maybe. Or maybe I knew this would happen all along. Had I ever really thought I’d be able to keep Rhodes?
My training appointment came and went with me still lying in bed. I didn’t bother to call or text Rhodes and let him know I wasn’t coming and he didn’t reach out to me, either.
I did somehow manage to find enough motivation to call Willow, who then drove over as fast as she could. She greeted me with ice cream, but I asked her to go for a run with me, instead. And though Willow was tiny and fit, I kept up with her pace, and when she wanted to quit, I still had steam left. It was the first time I realized I was stronger.
Maybe in more ways than one.
Willow stayed the night, but left early the next morning to get ready for the party. I still felt strange that morning, but not as numb as the day before. In a way, I was ready. I was ready to celebrate my best friend’s accomplishments. I was ready to say goodbye to her, at least for the rest of the summer. And I was ready to face Mason and the rest of Poxton Beach. Because as much as Rhodes had wounded me, he had strengthened me just the same.
I knew eventually, I would have to face him again. I’d have to come to terms with the fact that I couldn’t have him, not the way I wanted, and I wasn’t sure if there would even be a friendship between us at all again. Maybe he would go back to just being my trainer. Maybe he’d pass me off to someone else. I couldn’t be sure, but I decided to try not to dwell on it.
For one night, I was going to just be an eighteen-year-old girl.
I was going to have fun.
Moses drove me to Willow’s around nine o’clock. I planned on drinking, a lot, and Moses was happy to be my safe ride. He probably didn’t realize he’d also be my confidant, too.
“I’m nervous, Mo.”
He smiled, glancing at me quickly before facing the road again. “Why is that, Miss Natalie?”
I fidgeted with the black and white pleather fabric of my skirt. It was a sort of snakeskin pattern, high-waisted, and I’d paired it with an equally slimming black, scoop-neck tank top. My newly toned legs and arms were on display, my jewelry was loud and blingy, my hair was falling in soft waves over my shoulders. I was wearing an outfit that demanded attention, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to handle it.
“Remember when you picked me up from The Crawl earlier this summer and I was a complete mess? Well, I’m facing the people who made me that way tonight, and I thought I was ready, but every mile you drive makes my stomach hurt worse.”
Moses chuckled, but didn’t say anything. I didn’t expect him to. That was part of Moses’ appeal — he listened. So, I kept talking. By the time we pulled up to Willow’s house where the party seemed to already be in full swing, I had not only confided my fears about the night, but also all of my worries tied to Rhodes. I didn’t know if Moses would judge me, but if he did, he didn’t show any indication of it. He put the Rover in park and set his hands lightly in his lap.
“You’ll be okay, Miss Natalie. You’re not as timid as you think you are. I can see a confident, stronger version of yourself waiting to emerge. You just have to let her out.” He winked. “Text me when you’re ready?”
I smiled, nodding, and placed my hand on the door handle. Hesitating, I quickly wrapped Moses in a tight hug and thanked him. Even though he hadn’t said much, it had been exactly what I needed. In a way, I knew he was right — I did feel a stronger me just below the surface. I only hoped I could finally bring her up for air.
Moses squeezed me in return and gave me a reassuring smile when I pulled back. Blowing out a long breath, I ignored the nerves and opened my door.
No one was outside, but I could hear the music spilling out onto the driveway. Willow loved to celebrate, and I knew she would go all out for her last party in Poxton Beach.
Surprisingly, I didn’t fall flat on my face walking up her cobblestone drive to the door. I was wearing high heels — not wedges, not kitten heels — but high, red pumps. They were the only pop of color in my entire outfit other than the red lipstick I’d let Willow convince me to pair with them. When I reached the door, I placed my right hand on the handle and felt the music and laughter vibrating through it. Taking one last deep breath, I relaxed my shoulders, swallowed, and gently pushed it open.
It wasn’t like a movie — not everyone stopped what they were doing to turn and look my way. In fact, nothing stopped as I walked in. Cliques were spread throughout the house, and I smiled at a few people I recognized as I wandered around looking for Willow. It was in her large living room that I noticed the effect I had on people apparently came once I had already passed. I heard a quiet whisper ringing out, and when I glanced over my shoulder, several heads snapped in the opposite direction. They were staring at me.
I sat on the same picnic bench he’d kissed me on just a few nights before. I could still feel his lips on mine, hear his words in my ear as he told me I didn’t deserve the shit he gave me. But the strange thing was, I wanted that pain. I wanted to help him when he felt low, push him up to solid ground, carry him when he couldn’t carry himself. But he didn’t want me.
Even after everything, he would lay with another woman that night, and what killed me most was that I knew he was better than that.
The first echo of thunder rumbled the playground around me and filtered through my core, twisting in to fill the gaps between my guilt and anger. It shook me so hard I dropped my camera, the strap around my neck the only thing saving it from shattering.
If only I’d had a safety strap, too.
Sleep didn’t come that night. I was restless, tossing and turning, twisting in the sheets and huffing out in frustration when my mind still wouldn’t shut off. When dawn finally broke, I pretended to be asleep long enough for Mom to wake me up to have breakfast with her. She and Dale were leaving in just a few hours for another business trip, and Mom wanted to make me pancakes — even though they weren’t on my meal plan and Christina was already there and could have cooked, instead.
I didn’t fight her on it.
Once they left, the silence of our large house surrounded me, but I found it strangely comforting. I expected to feel more broken than I did. Was I just numb? Maybe. Or maybe I knew this would happen all along. Had I ever really thought I’d be able to keep Rhodes?
My training appointment came and went with me still lying in bed. I didn’t bother to call or text Rhodes and let him know I wasn’t coming and he didn’t reach out to me, either.
I did somehow manage to find enough motivation to call Willow, who then drove over as fast as she could. She greeted me with ice cream, but I asked her to go for a run with me, instead. And though Willow was tiny and fit, I kept up with her pace, and when she wanted to quit, I still had steam left. It was the first time I realized I was stronger.
Maybe in more ways than one.
Willow stayed the night, but left early the next morning to get ready for the party. I still felt strange that morning, but not as numb as the day before. In a way, I was ready. I was ready to celebrate my best friend’s accomplishments. I was ready to say goodbye to her, at least for the rest of the summer. And I was ready to face Mason and the rest of Poxton Beach. Because as much as Rhodes had wounded me, he had strengthened me just the same.
I knew eventually, I would have to face him again. I’d have to come to terms with the fact that I couldn’t have him, not the way I wanted, and I wasn’t sure if there would even be a friendship between us at all again. Maybe he would go back to just being my trainer. Maybe he’d pass me off to someone else. I couldn’t be sure, but I decided to try not to dwell on it.
For one night, I was going to just be an eighteen-year-old girl.
I was going to have fun.
Moses drove me to Willow’s around nine o’clock. I planned on drinking, a lot, and Moses was happy to be my safe ride. He probably didn’t realize he’d also be my confidant, too.
“I’m nervous, Mo.”
He smiled, glancing at me quickly before facing the road again. “Why is that, Miss Natalie?”
I fidgeted with the black and white pleather fabric of my skirt. It was a sort of snakeskin pattern, high-waisted, and I’d paired it with an equally slimming black, scoop-neck tank top. My newly toned legs and arms were on display, my jewelry was loud and blingy, my hair was falling in soft waves over my shoulders. I was wearing an outfit that demanded attention, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to handle it.
“Remember when you picked me up from The Crawl earlier this summer and I was a complete mess? Well, I’m facing the people who made me that way tonight, and I thought I was ready, but every mile you drive makes my stomach hurt worse.”
Moses chuckled, but didn’t say anything. I didn’t expect him to. That was part of Moses’ appeal — he listened. So, I kept talking. By the time we pulled up to Willow’s house where the party seemed to already be in full swing, I had not only confided my fears about the night, but also all of my worries tied to Rhodes. I didn’t know if Moses would judge me, but if he did, he didn’t show any indication of it. He put the Rover in park and set his hands lightly in his lap.
“You’ll be okay, Miss Natalie. You’re not as timid as you think you are. I can see a confident, stronger version of yourself waiting to emerge. You just have to let her out.” He winked. “Text me when you’re ready?”
I smiled, nodding, and placed my hand on the door handle. Hesitating, I quickly wrapped Moses in a tight hug and thanked him. Even though he hadn’t said much, it had been exactly what I needed. In a way, I knew he was right — I did feel a stronger me just below the surface. I only hoped I could finally bring her up for air.
Moses squeezed me in return and gave me a reassuring smile when I pulled back. Blowing out a long breath, I ignored the nerves and opened my door.
No one was outside, but I could hear the music spilling out onto the driveway. Willow loved to celebrate, and I knew she would go all out for her last party in Poxton Beach.
Surprisingly, I didn’t fall flat on my face walking up her cobblestone drive to the door. I was wearing high heels — not wedges, not kitten heels — but high, red pumps. They were the only pop of color in my entire outfit other than the red lipstick I’d let Willow convince me to pair with them. When I reached the door, I placed my right hand on the handle and felt the music and laughter vibrating through it. Taking one last deep breath, I relaxed my shoulders, swallowed, and gently pushed it open.
It wasn’t like a movie — not everyone stopped what they were doing to turn and look my way. In fact, nothing stopped as I walked in. Cliques were spread throughout the house, and I smiled at a few people I recognized as I wandered around looking for Willow. It was in her large living room that I noticed the effect I had on people apparently came once I had already passed. I heard a quiet whisper ringing out, and when I glanced over my shoulder, several heads snapped in the opposite direction. They were staring at me.
