“And you think you’ll drown?”
I swallowed. “I know I will. I’m the ship, he’s the water. It never ends well for me when there’s a storm.”
Willow blinked. “Are you turning into me? That totally sounds like some shit I would say.”
“Someone in Poxton Beach has to take your place. Might as well be me.”
“Please,” she said, waving her hand at the screen and checking the polish on her nails. “No one can think of bullshit clichés like I can. But valiant effort, Nat.”
She winked and we both laughed. Willow took it as an opportunity to change the subject, which I was grateful for.
“So Mom and Dale come home tonight?”
“Yeah, they should be here in a couple of hours.”
“You going to tell them about you and Rhodes?”
I frowned. “I don’t know yet.”
Willow shook her head. “You couldn’t just fall for a banker’s son? Or wait until college and find a lawyer-to-be? Something boring and predictable that would save you this emotional tug of war and make your parents happy?”
“I’ve been doing boring my entire life,” I said, shrugging. “I’ll take whatever heartache is coming to feel this alive for a while longer.”
Willow smirked, braiding her long hair to the side. “My best friend is growing up.”
“I’ll have wrinkles soon.”
“Or gray hair.”
“Probably both.”
“Don’t worry,” Willow assured me. “I’ve read anti-aging blog posts. I know just the cream and hair dye to fix all of that. As long as your vag doesn’t dry up, we should be good.”
I laughed. “I miss you.”
“Miss you more.”
After hearing horror stories about Willow’s roommate and refusing to tell her anything about my experience going down on Rhodes, we reluctantly ended our video chat just as I heard the front door opening downstairs. Christina had already gone home for the evening, so I knew it was Mom and Dale.
Tossing my hair up into a messy bun, I skipped downstairs, excited to hear about their trip up north. As soon as my feet hit the bottom stair and I saw my mom’s mascara-streaked face, my stomach fell.
“Mom?”
She choked on a sob, her hand flying up to cover her lips.
“Oh my God, what’s wrong? What happened?” I flew from the stairs and pulled her into a hug. She folded into me easily, leaving all of her weight for me to hold. I felt the tears run from her eyes and soak through my t-shirt, but I only held her tighter.
When another car door slammed outside, Mom’s head snapped up. Wiping at her face, she urged me toward the stairs. “Go upstairs, honey. I’ll come to your room in a little bit.”
“No, I’m not going anywhere. Is he high?”
She smiled, but another tear fell from the apple of her cheek onto the hardwood floor. “It’s okay, sweetie. I just want to get him to bed and then I’ll come up. I promise.”
“I can help you,” I said, making a move toward the door.
“No!” The tone of her voice surprised me and I halted. “Damnit, Natalie, do as your told and go to your room!” My mouth popped open and Mom bit her lip, closing her eyes tight. “I’m sorry. Please, honey, just give me a few minutes.”
The door swung open behind her and Dale stumbled through the frame. His dark hair was slick with sweat, his eyes rimmed in red. When they found mine, I gulped.
I’d always seen Dale as nurturing, kind of like the father I’d never had. He was caring and calm, patient and understanding. He was a businessman, firm but compassionate. But that night, all I saw when I looked into his eyes was a menacing calm that scared me more than I would admit to myself.
“Natalie, please,” my mom begged. I looked to her once more, feeling my heart ache at the sight of her tears, before I did as she asked. I didn’t chance another look at Dale before jogging up the stairs and into my room. Shutting the door behind me, I reached for my phone and quickly typed out a text to Rhodes. He was working the first night shift at his new job, serving as one of the cooks in the small diner right across the street from the high school. It wasn’t everything he wanted, but it was a start. And right now, it was a major inconvenience to me. I hated how selfish I felt, but I needed him. When ten minutes went by without him responding, I knew I wouldn’t hear from him until his shift ended.
Fighting back my own tears, I collapsed into the covers of my bed and wrapped them around me. I stared at my closed door, listening to the shuffling and muffled voices of Mom and Dale down the hall. I had no idea what was happening. Was it Dale’s addiction? What exactly was he addicted to? Had he hit Mom? Would he hit Mom?
It seemed like an eternity had passed by when Mom finally slipped through my door, holding her finger to her lips to ask me to stay quiet. I simply held up the covers so she could crawl into bed with me. When she did, I wrapped my arms around her and told her I loved her.
And she cried.
I wanted to ask her what happened. I wanted her to stop acting like I wasn’t old enough to handle whatever was happening. But, in that moment, I knew all she needed was for me to be there, so I didn’t ask anything at all. I hugged her and let her know she wasn’t alone. That was what she needed.
Mom fell asleep after a while, and I tried to rest, but failed. Around one, Mom kissed me on the forehead and slipped out of bed. I pretended to be asleep, but I listened to her feet pad down the hallway to her and Dale’s room. Once she was inside, I reached for my phone and sighed with relief when I saw the text from Rhodes.
- Come over. -
I pulled on a pair of yoga pants and a PBHS hoodie before quietly sneaking out. Although I probably didn’t need to be quiet at all — Dale was clearly wasted and I knew Mom had left my room to go take a sleeping pill. She’d been self-medicating almost every night that summer and didn’t think I had noticed.
Rhodes was standing outside when I pulled into his apartment. He yanked the driver door open and I leapt into his arms, burying my face into his neck. He held me tight, gently took the keys from my hand, locked the Rover, and carried me inside.
He helped me to the couch and brought me a glass of water, but I set it to the side without taking a drink. Rhodes opened his arm for me and I snuggled into his chest.
“Want to talk about it?”
I swallowed. “I know I will. I’m the ship, he’s the water. It never ends well for me when there’s a storm.”
Willow blinked. “Are you turning into me? That totally sounds like some shit I would say.”
“Someone in Poxton Beach has to take your place. Might as well be me.”
“Please,” she said, waving her hand at the screen and checking the polish on her nails. “No one can think of bullshit clichés like I can. But valiant effort, Nat.”
She winked and we both laughed. Willow took it as an opportunity to change the subject, which I was grateful for.
“So Mom and Dale come home tonight?”
“Yeah, they should be here in a couple of hours.”
“You going to tell them about you and Rhodes?”
I frowned. “I don’t know yet.”
Willow shook her head. “You couldn’t just fall for a banker’s son? Or wait until college and find a lawyer-to-be? Something boring and predictable that would save you this emotional tug of war and make your parents happy?”
“I’ve been doing boring my entire life,” I said, shrugging. “I’ll take whatever heartache is coming to feel this alive for a while longer.”
Willow smirked, braiding her long hair to the side. “My best friend is growing up.”
“I’ll have wrinkles soon.”
“Or gray hair.”
“Probably both.”
“Don’t worry,” Willow assured me. “I’ve read anti-aging blog posts. I know just the cream and hair dye to fix all of that. As long as your vag doesn’t dry up, we should be good.”
I laughed. “I miss you.”
“Miss you more.”
After hearing horror stories about Willow’s roommate and refusing to tell her anything about my experience going down on Rhodes, we reluctantly ended our video chat just as I heard the front door opening downstairs. Christina had already gone home for the evening, so I knew it was Mom and Dale.
Tossing my hair up into a messy bun, I skipped downstairs, excited to hear about their trip up north. As soon as my feet hit the bottom stair and I saw my mom’s mascara-streaked face, my stomach fell.
“Mom?”
She choked on a sob, her hand flying up to cover her lips.
“Oh my God, what’s wrong? What happened?” I flew from the stairs and pulled her into a hug. She folded into me easily, leaving all of her weight for me to hold. I felt the tears run from her eyes and soak through my t-shirt, but I only held her tighter.
When another car door slammed outside, Mom’s head snapped up. Wiping at her face, she urged me toward the stairs. “Go upstairs, honey. I’ll come to your room in a little bit.”
“No, I’m not going anywhere. Is he high?”
She smiled, but another tear fell from the apple of her cheek onto the hardwood floor. “It’s okay, sweetie. I just want to get him to bed and then I’ll come up. I promise.”
“I can help you,” I said, making a move toward the door.
“No!” The tone of her voice surprised me and I halted. “Damnit, Natalie, do as your told and go to your room!” My mouth popped open and Mom bit her lip, closing her eyes tight. “I’m sorry. Please, honey, just give me a few minutes.”
The door swung open behind her and Dale stumbled through the frame. His dark hair was slick with sweat, his eyes rimmed in red. When they found mine, I gulped.
I’d always seen Dale as nurturing, kind of like the father I’d never had. He was caring and calm, patient and understanding. He was a businessman, firm but compassionate. But that night, all I saw when I looked into his eyes was a menacing calm that scared me more than I would admit to myself.
“Natalie, please,” my mom begged. I looked to her once more, feeling my heart ache at the sight of her tears, before I did as she asked. I didn’t chance another look at Dale before jogging up the stairs and into my room. Shutting the door behind me, I reached for my phone and quickly typed out a text to Rhodes. He was working the first night shift at his new job, serving as one of the cooks in the small diner right across the street from the high school. It wasn’t everything he wanted, but it was a start. And right now, it was a major inconvenience to me. I hated how selfish I felt, but I needed him. When ten minutes went by without him responding, I knew I wouldn’t hear from him until his shift ended.
Fighting back my own tears, I collapsed into the covers of my bed and wrapped them around me. I stared at my closed door, listening to the shuffling and muffled voices of Mom and Dale down the hall. I had no idea what was happening. Was it Dale’s addiction? What exactly was he addicted to? Had he hit Mom? Would he hit Mom?
It seemed like an eternity had passed by when Mom finally slipped through my door, holding her finger to her lips to ask me to stay quiet. I simply held up the covers so she could crawl into bed with me. When she did, I wrapped my arms around her and told her I loved her.
And she cried.
I wanted to ask her what happened. I wanted her to stop acting like I wasn’t old enough to handle whatever was happening. But, in that moment, I knew all she needed was for me to be there, so I didn’t ask anything at all. I hugged her and let her know she wasn’t alone. That was what she needed.
Mom fell asleep after a while, and I tried to rest, but failed. Around one, Mom kissed me on the forehead and slipped out of bed. I pretended to be asleep, but I listened to her feet pad down the hallway to her and Dale’s room. Once she was inside, I reached for my phone and sighed with relief when I saw the text from Rhodes.
- Come over. -
I pulled on a pair of yoga pants and a PBHS hoodie before quietly sneaking out. Although I probably didn’t need to be quiet at all — Dale was clearly wasted and I knew Mom had left my room to go take a sleeping pill. She’d been self-medicating almost every night that summer and didn’t think I had noticed.
Rhodes was standing outside when I pulled into his apartment. He yanked the driver door open and I leapt into his arms, burying my face into his neck. He held me tight, gently took the keys from my hand, locked the Rover, and carried me inside.
He helped me to the couch and brought me a glass of water, but I set it to the side without taking a drink. Rhodes opened his arm for me and I snuggled into his chest.
“Want to talk about it?”
