All that time, I had felt the break coming. I had seen the warning signs. We both had. I guess in a way, we knew it was only a matter of time before the fragile shell of our relationship cracked beneath the weight of reality. I was content to live in that dream with him until it all came crashing down and the rubble killed us both, but he had left without me. Now, I was alone, clinging to the what ifs that he refused to hear. The crack was spreading faster and faster, and I watched helplessly as it creaked across the only foundation I had ever built.
I still stayed, waiting to be crushed, praying to be saved.
And the only comfort I found was that regardless of the outcome, it would all be over soon.
There’s something so strangely satisfying about heartbreak. It’s almost like if you can feel that much for anything, maybe life is worth it. There was a constant ache in my chest after Rhodes left. It wasn’t dull, yet it wasn’t quite sharp — but it was always present. Thoughts of him filled me with hope just as much as they crushed me. I told myself I should forget him, but I listened to songs with words that made me think of him, instead. It was a repetitive, modern form of torture that I somehow found solace in.
I didn’t even try to reach out to him over the weekend. I weighed in by myself on my mom’s scale at the house. I was down another four pounds, which was more than I had lost in a while. I guess when you run for hours every day and get sick at even the thought of food, that tends to happen. It wasn’t a healthy diet, but I didn’t know how else to handle my new reality.
But it was Monday, and to me, that felt like a new beginning of sorts.
Crawling out of bed, I talked myself through getting dressed, taking the time to make myself look somewhat presentable. Willow made me promise to call her after her morning class. She had taken it upon herself to check on me, like I might disappear off the face of the earth if she didn’t.
If only it were that easy.
“Wait, are you wearing makeup?” Willow asked as soon as the video chat connected.
“I think I’m going to go see him.”
Her face fell. “Um, what?”
“Hear me out,” I offered, holding up my hands. “Our normal training session starts in an hour. I figured I’ll just show up. If he’s there, then maybe we can talk. And if he’s not, well… then I’ll take it as my cue to leave it alone.”
“Don’t you think him peeling out of your driveway should have been your cue to leave it alone?”
“He didn’t peel out, Willow.”
“He might as well have!” Willow’s face softened a bit when she saw the sadness I knew perfectly well was outshining my makeup. She sighed. “Look, I can’t tell you what to do. I know he means a lot to you. And he’s made a huge impact on your life. But look at how much you’re already hurting,” she said. “What if he’s there with a client? I don’t want my best friend to break, Nat. I still need you around.”
“I don’t know. I just feel like I can’t not fight for him.”
“You told him you loved him,” she gently reminded me, though I felt a knife twist between my ribs anyway.
“Well, I can try something else.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know!” I screamed the words, breathing harder. I was losing control with every passing moment. “I have no idea what I’ll say or do if he’s there today, Lo, but I can’t just sit here. I’m going insane.”
“Come to Boone,” she urged. “You can stay with me in my dorm for a while. We’ll go out to some parties, you can sit in class with me. You’ll see. Life is a lot bigger than Poxton Beach.”
My stomach lurched, because just two months ago I was telling myself those same words. Now, it seemed nothing was bigger than Rhodes. He was all I could breathe. I didn’t want to imagine a life outside of Poxton Beach unless he was in it, too.
“Just promise me you’ll think about it, okay?”
I nodded. “Okay.”
“And if you go today, just prepare for the worst.”
“I think I’ve already experienced that.”
She shrugged. “Still. You can never be too careful with your heart.”
I half-laughed. “Sounds like something you should sew on a pillow.”
“I just might.”
A soft knock at my bedroom door startled me, and when my mom peeked through, I swallowed. “I’ll text you later tonight, Lo.”
She nodded, eying where my mom stood in the doorway before blowing me a kiss and ending the chat.
“What?” I asked, not even bothering to look at my mom. It was a new experience for me, being disrespectful to her, but she’d taught me my entire life to never give respect to someone who hadn’t earned it.
She was the last person who deserved my respect in that moment.
“You can’t honestly still be angry with me.”
I didn’t respond. I was already dressed for the gym, but I packed extra clothes in my gym bag anyway. Anything to keep from looking at her.
“I’m doing this because I love you, sweetie. Trust me. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but one day you’re going to look back at this and thank me. It feels like Rhodes is everything to you right now, but it’s just because you’re so young, Natalie. You’ll understand when you’re older that this was just a phase.”
“Oh cut the shit, Mom,” I spat at her, finally bringing my eyes to hers.
She pursed her lips. “Do not take that tone with me. I’m your mother, and I know what’s best for you.”
“Oh, is that so?” I scoffed. “Do you really think anything about Poxton Beach has been good for me? You think just because you married a rich man and I had new clothes and plenty of money to go out, that I should have been completely happy?”
“I love Dale,” she said, her voice shaky. She was starting to turn red again just like she had in the kitchen a few nights before. “Don’t you dare insinuate otherwise. And the fact that you’re ungrateful for all he’s given us just shows me how immature you still are.”
“I’m not ungrateful. Yes, I know we’re fortunate. But money and status aren’t important to me. They never have been. All I’ve wanted my entire life was to feel loved without having to change. For so long, I thought maybe I had it all, maybe I was just strange because I wasn’t happy even though my life was perfect. But the truth is, I’ve been stuck in this false sense of security and belonging my entire life.” I shook my head, the realization hitting me as the words spilled from my lips. “Willow was my only true friend in this town and now she’s gone.”
I still stayed, waiting to be crushed, praying to be saved.
And the only comfort I found was that regardless of the outcome, it would all be over soon.
There’s something so strangely satisfying about heartbreak. It’s almost like if you can feel that much for anything, maybe life is worth it. There was a constant ache in my chest after Rhodes left. It wasn’t dull, yet it wasn’t quite sharp — but it was always present. Thoughts of him filled me with hope just as much as they crushed me. I told myself I should forget him, but I listened to songs with words that made me think of him, instead. It was a repetitive, modern form of torture that I somehow found solace in.
I didn’t even try to reach out to him over the weekend. I weighed in by myself on my mom’s scale at the house. I was down another four pounds, which was more than I had lost in a while. I guess when you run for hours every day and get sick at even the thought of food, that tends to happen. It wasn’t a healthy diet, but I didn’t know how else to handle my new reality.
But it was Monday, and to me, that felt like a new beginning of sorts.
Crawling out of bed, I talked myself through getting dressed, taking the time to make myself look somewhat presentable. Willow made me promise to call her after her morning class. She had taken it upon herself to check on me, like I might disappear off the face of the earth if she didn’t.
If only it were that easy.
“Wait, are you wearing makeup?” Willow asked as soon as the video chat connected.
“I think I’m going to go see him.”
Her face fell. “Um, what?”
“Hear me out,” I offered, holding up my hands. “Our normal training session starts in an hour. I figured I’ll just show up. If he’s there, then maybe we can talk. And if he’s not, well… then I’ll take it as my cue to leave it alone.”
“Don’t you think him peeling out of your driveway should have been your cue to leave it alone?”
“He didn’t peel out, Willow.”
“He might as well have!” Willow’s face softened a bit when she saw the sadness I knew perfectly well was outshining my makeup. She sighed. “Look, I can’t tell you what to do. I know he means a lot to you. And he’s made a huge impact on your life. But look at how much you’re already hurting,” she said. “What if he’s there with a client? I don’t want my best friend to break, Nat. I still need you around.”
“I don’t know. I just feel like I can’t not fight for him.”
“You told him you loved him,” she gently reminded me, though I felt a knife twist between my ribs anyway.
“Well, I can try something else.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know!” I screamed the words, breathing harder. I was losing control with every passing moment. “I have no idea what I’ll say or do if he’s there today, Lo, but I can’t just sit here. I’m going insane.”
“Come to Boone,” she urged. “You can stay with me in my dorm for a while. We’ll go out to some parties, you can sit in class with me. You’ll see. Life is a lot bigger than Poxton Beach.”
My stomach lurched, because just two months ago I was telling myself those same words. Now, it seemed nothing was bigger than Rhodes. He was all I could breathe. I didn’t want to imagine a life outside of Poxton Beach unless he was in it, too.
“Just promise me you’ll think about it, okay?”
I nodded. “Okay.”
“And if you go today, just prepare for the worst.”
“I think I’ve already experienced that.”
She shrugged. “Still. You can never be too careful with your heart.”
I half-laughed. “Sounds like something you should sew on a pillow.”
“I just might.”
A soft knock at my bedroom door startled me, and when my mom peeked through, I swallowed. “I’ll text you later tonight, Lo.”
She nodded, eying where my mom stood in the doorway before blowing me a kiss and ending the chat.
“What?” I asked, not even bothering to look at my mom. It was a new experience for me, being disrespectful to her, but she’d taught me my entire life to never give respect to someone who hadn’t earned it.
She was the last person who deserved my respect in that moment.
“You can’t honestly still be angry with me.”
I didn’t respond. I was already dressed for the gym, but I packed extra clothes in my gym bag anyway. Anything to keep from looking at her.
“I’m doing this because I love you, sweetie. Trust me. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but one day you’re going to look back at this and thank me. It feels like Rhodes is everything to you right now, but it’s just because you’re so young, Natalie. You’ll understand when you’re older that this was just a phase.”
“Oh cut the shit, Mom,” I spat at her, finally bringing my eyes to hers.
She pursed her lips. “Do not take that tone with me. I’m your mother, and I know what’s best for you.”
“Oh, is that so?” I scoffed. “Do you really think anything about Poxton Beach has been good for me? You think just because you married a rich man and I had new clothes and plenty of money to go out, that I should have been completely happy?”
“I love Dale,” she said, her voice shaky. She was starting to turn red again just like she had in the kitchen a few nights before. “Don’t you dare insinuate otherwise. And the fact that you’re ungrateful for all he’s given us just shows me how immature you still are.”
“I’m not ungrateful. Yes, I know we’re fortunate. But money and status aren’t important to me. They never have been. All I’ve wanted my entire life was to feel loved without having to change. For so long, I thought maybe I had it all, maybe I was just strange because I wasn’t happy even though my life was perfect. But the truth is, I’ve been stuck in this false sense of security and belonging my entire life.” I shook my head, the realization hitting me as the words spilled from my lips. “Willow was my only true friend in this town and now she’s gone.”
