What's Left of Me
Page 83
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We. I don’t think I’ll get tired of that. I never used to think about making plans for my future, let alone making them with someone, but it feels good thinking of my future with Parker.
That evening, we’re lying in bed, facing one another.
“Name the first thing that comes to mind that you’re afraid of,” Parker says drawing small circles in my palm.
“Heights.”
“Heights? That’s the first thing?”
“Yeah. I’m deathly afraid of heights. And roller coasters.”
I laugh.
“I’m happy you said that. Well, not that you have that fear, but I was expecting you to say something else.”
Like what, death? “What about you?”
“Being in the open ocean—feeling helpless and surrounded by sharks.”
I try to hide the smile that sneaks up. “Is that because you grew up near the ocean, or have you watched one too many Lifetime movies?” I nudge him.
“Not funny. And, no. Neither. Why is anyone afraid of anything? You think about something one time and wish to never think of that happening. That’s how I am with the open ocean.”
“Have you ever thought about confronting your fears? Maybe not that one, but something else that scares you?” I ask.
“Of course. I almost drowned when I was a kid. I refused to get in the water again. Maybe that’s why I don’t like thinking about being alone in the ocean. But, eventually, Lee got me to go back in the pool. He helped me confront my fear of swimming. How about you? Has anyone ever tried to help you with your fears?”
You. “You’ve already helped me overcome so many.”
Pulling me close, he gives me a gentle kiss. “How about we make a promise to start tackling our fears together?”
I nod. Does this also mean I’ll promise to confront my fears about marriage and children?
“I promise, Parker.”
The next afternoon, we’re sitting on the beach just down the few steps from Parker’s backyard. It’s gloomy, with a chance of showers and possible thunderstorms.
“I’m sorry our day was ruined.”
“Ruined?” I say. “This is far from being ruined, Parker. Sitting here, relaxing; what more could anyone ask for?”
He shakes his head and laughs.
Closing my eyes, I lean my head back so I’m looking up at the sky. It’s windy out, and the breeze is refreshing.
“It must be so rough having this as your backyard,” I joke, bringing my attention to the water where there are sailboats passing by.
“It’s rough, I tell you,” Parker mocks.
He’s sitting in a beach chair drinking a beer while I lie on a towel with my Kindle.
Thinking back to our conversation last night, I blurt out, “You want to know what I think I’m scared of the most?”
Parker is quiet, and I hear him take another sip before speaking. “Of course.”
“I’m scared that I’m going to go through life without leaving a trace of myself behind. I want to do things like travel, or be spontaneous, to show that even after I’m gone, I’ve left a small trace of me behind. I’m afraid that one morning I simply won’t wake up and there won’t be anything to show for the life I’ve lived.”
Parker moves from his chair to sit next to me. We sit in silence, staring out into the ocean.
“I’ve never wanted to get married for fear that I’d leave my husband a widower and, even though I want children someday, I’m more scared that I’d leave them parentless. I never thought I could love anyone as much as I love you, Parker. I think back over the time we’ve shared, and …”
I trail off, trying to find the right words. “Even though our time together hasn’t been that long, it’s been the best time of my life. I just want to go on living my life with you, leaving my mark.”
Moving in front of me, he puts a finger under my chin, forcing me to look up. I can see his eyes through his sunglasses, and I can see the moisture there.
“Aundrea, you have already left your mark.” Picking up my hand, he places it over his heart. “Right here. You, Aundrea Leigh McCall, are the beat of my heart.”
Parker has shown me that there is life beyond heartache. It’s through him that I’ve learned how to live to tell the story of my journey. I may never understand why I was given this life, or why I was given one obstacle just to have it replaced by another, but I have learned that without these obstacles, I would never have found the left to my right.
Him.
My life changed the night I met Parker. He has shown me that it is possible to carry on with the life I was meant to live, showing the world that even though I was dealt a shitty hand in life, I still took the gamble and came out on top.
I am Aundrea McCall, and I am a survivor.
Epilogue
Parker. Three years later.
I stand up from the edge of the bed, re-folding her letter, tucking it safely away in my coat pocket. The voices from the living room get quieter, and I know it’s only a matter of time before someone comes in here to get me. The wake is in an hour, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it.
I’m not sure I’m ready to see her body.
I’m not sure I can stand the thought of my last memory of her being like that, in the same church where I made her my wife.
I’m not sure of anything.
There’s a knock on the door but I don’t look to see who it is. “Parker, we’re going to head out now. Do you want to ride with us?” Genna’s voice carries through the room as she pushes the door open wider.
That evening, we’re lying in bed, facing one another.
“Name the first thing that comes to mind that you’re afraid of,” Parker says drawing small circles in my palm.
“Heights.”
“Heights? That’s the first thing?”
“Yeah. I’m deathly afraid of heights. And roller coasters.”
I laugh.
“I’m happy you said that. Well, not that you have that fear, but I was expecting you to say something else.”
Like what, death? “What about you?”
“Being in the open ocean—feeling helpless and surrounded by sharks.”
I try to hide the smile that sneaks up. “Is that because you grew up near the ocean, or have you watched one too many Lifetime movies?” I nudge him.
“Not funny. And, no. Neither. Why is anyone afraid of anything? You think about something one time and wish to never think of that happening. That’s how I am with the open ocean.”
“Have you ever thought about confronting your fears? Maybe not that one, but something else that scares you?” I ask.
“Of course. I almost drowned when I was a kid. I refused to get in the water again. Maybe that’s why I don’t like thinking about being alone in the ocean. But, eventually, Lee got me to go back in the pool. He helped me confront my fear of swimming. How about you? Has anyone ever tried to help you with your fears?”
You. “You’ve already helped me overcome so many.”
Pulling me close, he gives me a gentle kiss. “How about we make a promise to start tackling our fears together?”
I nod. Does this also mean I’ll promise to confront my fears about marriage and children?
“I promise, Parker.”
The next afternoon, we’re sitting on the beach just down the few steps from Parker’s backyard. It’s gloomy, with a chance of showers and possible thunderstorms.
“I’m sorry our day was ruined.”
“Ruined?” I say. “This is far from being ruined, Parker. Sitting here, relaxing; what more could anyone ask for?”
He shakes his head and laughs.
Closing my eyes, I lean my head back so I’m looking up at the sky. It’s windy out, and the breeze is refreshing.
“It must be so rough having this as your backyard,” I joke, bringing my attention to the water where there are sailboats passing by.
“It’s rough, I tell you,” Parker mocks.
He’s sitting in a beach chair drinking a beer while I lie on a towel with my Kindle.
Thinking back to our conversation last night, I blurt out, “You want to know what I think I’m scared of the most?”
Parker is quiet, and I hear him take another sip before speaking. “Of course.”
“I’m scared that I’m going to go through life without leaving a trace of myself behind. I want to do things like travel, or be spontaneous, to show that even after I’m gone, I’ve left a small trace of me behind. I’m afraid that one morning I simply won’t wake up and there won’t be anything to show for the life I’ve lived.”
Parker moves from his chair to sit next to me. We sit in silence, staring out into the ocean.
“I’ve never wanted to get married for fear that I’d leave my husband a widower and, even though I want children someday, I’m more scared that I’d leave them parentless. I never thought I could love anyone as much as I love you, Parker. I think back over the time we’ve shared, and …”
I trail off, trying to find the right words. “Even though our time together hasn’t been that long, it’s been the best time of my life. I just want to go on living my life with you, leaving my mark.”
Moving in front of me, he puts a finger under my chin, forcing me to look up. I can see his eyes through his sunglasses, and I can see the moisture there.
“Aundrea, you have already left your mark.” Picking up my hand, he places it over his heart. “Right here. You, Aundrea Leigh McCall, are the beat of my heart.”
Parker has shown me that there is life beyond heartache. It’s through him that I’ve learned how to live to tell the story of my journey. I may never understand why I was given this life, or why I was given one obstacle just to have it replaced by another, but I have learned that without these obstacles, I would never have found the left to my right.
Him.
My life changed the night I met Parker. He has shown me that it is possible to carry on with the life I was meant to live, showing the world that even though I was dealt a shitty hand in life, I still took the gamble and came out on top.
I am Aundrea McCall, and I am a survivor.
Epilogue
Parker. Three years later.
I stand up from the edge of the bed, re-folding her letter, tucking it safely away in my coat pocket. The voices from the living room get quieter, and I know it’s only a matter of time before someone comes in here to get me. The wake is in an hour, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it.
I’m not sure I’m ready to see her body.
I’m not sure I can stand the thought of my last memory of her being like that, in the same church where I made her my wife.
I’m not sure of anything.
There’s a knock on the door but I don’t look to see who it is. “Parker, we’re going to head out now. Do you want to ride with us?” Genna’s voice carries through the room as she pushes the door open wider.
