What's Left of Us
Page 4
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“Oh, we definitely celebrated last night.”
I blush. I shouldn’t be bashful thinking or talking about having sex, but when it comes to sex with Parker … it’s hard not to feel the heat.
He sets his beer down on the coffee table and his face turns serious. “I’ve been thinking—don’t give me that look, Aundrea.”
“What look?”
“The look that says, ‘Oh, boy, here we go!’”
I laugh. “Sorry. It’s just, last night you surprised me with a house. I’m not sure what can top that.”
He takes a deep breath. “When Mark showed me the house, the first thing that popped into my head was how we’ll have all this space to fill.” I can see the tension in the small lines forming around his eyes.
“What are you saying?”
He runs his hand through his hair and swallows hard. “Maybe it’s time we think about adding to the Jackson family.”
“Like a dog?” I raise an eyebrow. It’s a joke, but one I hope eases the tension in his eyes.
“No.” He gives me a weak smile. “What if we considered the idea of starting a family? I mean, it’s probably not going to happen overnight, but I think it’s time we discuss our options. Look into what’s available for us.”
I don’t realize I’m holding my breath until I suddenly feel lightheaded. Forcing myself to breathe, I brace against the armrest. “You mean … you want us to have a baby?”
He nods. Before I can say anything, he reaches for my arms, almost as if he knows what my reaction will be: passing out.
I kind of feel as if I might.
A baby.
Are we ready to have a baby?
Am I ready to have a baby?
“What … do … think … baby?”
I can see Parker’s mouth moving, but I don’t catch every word that comes out. My mind is foggy. One mention of the word baby and I’ve gone blank.
“Earth to Aundrea,” Parker laughs, giving my arm a little shake.
“I’m sorry.” I try and collect my thoughts before saying anything further—or, rather, something stupid.
He looks so hopeful with his big boyish grin and wide eyes gazing at me, waiting for my response.
“I … um, I …”
I wait for my brain to catch up with my mouth. I try to calm my breathing, but can’t. My hands feel clammy and I can’t feel my toes. My entire body has gone numb.
“I’m sorry, what?” I know what, but maybe I’ve mistaken. Maybe he really asked me what I thought of Peggy, the new librarian at our local library.
“I said, what do you think about having a b-a-b-y? Baby.” My chest heaves with each second that passes without saying anything. “Aundrea, listen to me. I know what you’re thinking.” He has no idea. “We’re in this together. It’s you and me. No one else—only us.”
“I don’t know what to say.” I’m stunned.
“Aundrea, these last three years everything has been fine.”
He means my health.
I wasn’t expecting this conversation right now. Having a baby is something I’ve always wanted, and I knew being with Parker meant that dream was possible. He’s given me life again, and I want nothing more than to give him the same. Of course we’ve talked about kids, but we’ve talked about a lot of things over the last three years. We’ve shared every dream, hope, and fear, and have been each other’s biggest supporter in all of it.
Parker’s eyes soften. He takes my hands in his. “I want us to build our family. I believe we’re ready to have a baby. I know we are. You are. There is nothing to be afraid of,” he reassures me. “Your last appointment with Dr. Olson went so smoothly and so did your last heart scan. I want a baby with you, Aundrea.” He takes a deep breath and lets it out before adding, “There is nothing more I want in life than to start a family with you. To live out our dreams together.”
I nod, slowly processing his words. “Can I have some time to think about it?”
His face falls, but he quickly recovers. “Of course.”
“I want this Parker. I do, I promise.”
“But?”
“There are no buts. I assure you. I just ... Give me a little time, please.” I need to collect all the thoughts that are swimming around inside my head right now.
“What has you spooked? Talk to me.”
Everyone has that one fear. The one they can’t shake, no matter what. Being a cancer survivor has made me a better woman—a stronger woman, even. My heart condition doesn’t even scare me. If anything, I believe my heart is the strongest it’s ever been. But being faced with one of your biggest fears, and the realization that you are living with an incurable condition that could take you away from your family in an instant … that scares me.
Leaving them.
“It’s not only me I have to think about.”
He nods, knowing exactly what I mean.
The steam covering the mirror distorts my face. With one stroke, I wipe a path to show hazel eyes, pink lips, and round, healthy cheeks. I drop my towel and study my reflection. My hips are wider than they were when I was sick, my stomach a little fuller, and my arms show a little muscle definition. The woman that stares back at me is healthier, thanks to the right diet from a nutritionist and a husband who gives her all the activity she can handle. The woman I’m looking at not only feels happy, but looks it too.
I blush. I shouldn’t be bashful thinking or talking about having sex, but when it comes to sex with Parker … it’s hard not to feel the heat.
He sets his beer down on the coffee table and his face turns serious. “I’ve been thinking—don’t give me that look, Aundrea.”
“What look?”
“The look that says, ‘Oh, boy, here we go!’”
I laugh. “Sorry. It’s just, last night you surprised me with a house. I’m not sure what can top that.”
He takes a deep breath. “When Mark showed me the house, the first thing that popped into my head was how we’ll have all this space to fill.” I can see the tension in the small lines forming around his eyes.
“What are you saying?”
He runs his hand through his hair and swallows hard. “Maybe it’s time we think about adding to the Jackson family.”
“Like a dog?” I raise an eyebrow. It’s a joke, but one I hope eases the tension in his eyes.
“No.” He gives me a weak smile. “What if we considered the idea of starting a family? I mean, it’s probably not going to happen overnight, but I think it’s time we discuss our options. Look into what’s available for us.”
I don’t realize I’m holding my breath until I suddenly feel lightheaded. Forcing myself to breathe, I brace against the armrest. “You mean … you want us to have a baby?”
He nods. Before I can say anything, he reaches for my arms, almost as if he knows what my reaction will be: passing out.
I kind of feel as if I might.
A baby.
Are we ready to have a baby?
Am I ready to have a baby?
“What … do … think … baby?”
I can see Parker’s mouth moving, but I don’t catch every word that comes out. My mind is foggy. One mention of the word baby and I’ve gone blank.
“Earth to Aundrea,” Parker laughs, giving my arm a little shake.
“I’m sorry.” I try and collect my thoughts before saying anything further—or, rather, something stupid.
He looks so hopeful with his big boyish grin and wide eyes gazing at me, waiting for my response.
“I … um, I …”
I wait for my brain to catch up with my mouth. I try to calm my breathing, but can’t. My hands feel clammy and I can’t feel my toes. My entire body has gone numb.
“I’m sorry, what?” I know what, but maybe I’ve mistaken. Maybe he really asked me what I thought of Peggy, the new librarian at our local library.
“I said, what do you think about having a b-a-b-y? Baby.” My chest heaves with each second that passes without saying anything. “Aundrea, listen to me. I know what you’re thinking.” He has no idea. “We’re in this together. It’s you and me. No one else—only us.”
“I don’t know what to say.” I’m stunned.
“Aundrea, these last three years everything has been fine.”
He means my health.
I wasn’t expecting this conversation right now. Having a baby is something I’ve always wanted, and I knew being with Parker meant that dream was possible. He’s given me life again, and I want nothing more than to give him the same. Of course we’ve talked about kids, but we’ve talked about a lot of things over the last three years. We’ve shared every dream, hope, and fear, and have been each other’s biggest supporter in all of it.
Parker’s eyes soften. He takes my hands in his. “I want us to build our family. I believe we’re ready to have a baby. I know we are. You are. There is nothing to be afraid of,” he reassures me. “Your last appointment with Dr. Olson went so smoothly and so did your last heart scan. I want a baby with you, Aundrea.” He takes a deep breath and lets it out before adding, “There is nothing more I want in life than to start a family with you. To live out our dreams together.”
I nod, slowly processing his words. “Can I have some time to think about it?”
His face falls, but he quickly recovers. “Of course.”
“I want this Parker. I do, I promise.”
“But?”
“There are no buts. I assure you. I just ... Give me a little time, please.” I need to collect all the thoughts that are swimming around inside my head right now.
“What has you spooked? Talk to me.”
Everyone has that one fear. The one they can’t shake, no matter what. Being a cancer survivor has made me a better woman—a stronger woman, even. My heart condition doesn’t even scare me. If anything, I believe my heart is the strongest it’s ever been. But being faced with one of your biggest fears, and the realization that you are living with an incurable condition that could take you away from your family in an instant … that scares me.
Leaving them.
“It’s not only me I have to think about.”
He nods, knowing exactly what I mean.
The steam covering the mirror distorts my face. With one stroke, I wipe a path to show hazel eyes, pink lips, and round, healthy cheeks. I drop my towel and study my reflection. My hips are wider than they were when I was sick, my stomach a little fuller, and my arms show a little muscle definition. The woman that stares back at me is healthier, thanks to the right diet from a nutritionist and a husband who gives her all the activity she can handle. The woman I’m looking at not only feels happy, but looks it too.
