What's Left of Us
Page 45

I know what she’s doing. She’s waiting for me to open up. To let it out, whatever it is.
I count to ten, then twenty, waiting for the words to form. But they don’t. Tears start when I reach fifty, and when I hit eighty they still haven’t stopped.
Jean takes my hand and lies on her side, facing me. It takes me a few moments, but eventually I turn onto my side. I keep counting as the tears fall. When Jean starts to cry, I close my eyes. I can’t stand the pain in her eyes. Once I reach one hundred, the words come.
“Are you afraid to die?” My voice is scratchy.
“No,” she whispers, wiping her tears.
“Me either.”
“I know.”
“I’m not ready to say goodbye.”
“Death never gets easier.”
I take a deep breath before letting everything inside of me out. Jean somehow always gets me to open up, even if I don’t make any sense when I do.
“It’s not fair that people have to die before we get it. Amy has talked me through so much these last couple months, and helped me see the beauty in everything. She’s really made me want overcome the fear that’s been holding me back. But, it’s her death that’s finally made me open my eyes. I’ve spent the last three days in a haze, thinking about everything she’s left behind, and that’s not the life I want. It’s not fair that she had to die to really make me see the ramifications of it all. To make me realize that I haven’t been living my life to its full potential these last few months. Like, really living. I’ve been working toward the perfect future, but lately I’ve only looked at the future as if I weren’t in it. I want to be in it, Jean.”
“Then live, Dre. Living was your struggle then. It’s not your struggle now. You’ve always looked at the positives, never letting death knock you down. That’s never been you, so don’t let it start being you now. You’re one of the most courageous women I’ve ever known.”
“Where’s my courage now?” I feel like a coward hiding out in my bed.
Jean jabs me in the chest. “Right here. It hasn’t left you. You’re grieving, and that’s okay. But, it’s also okay to let it out. You don’t need to hide.”
I know she’s right. Even the strongest of us have weaknesses and moments that make us feel small. But I guess you can’t really overcome weakness or fear until you’re faced with them.
I close my eyes for a moment, then I take a deep breath.
“I’m ready.”
I fidget with my thumb ring and tap my feet as we get near the church. Parker doesn’t say anything. No one does.
Jean and Kevin sit in silence in the back seat and Parker focuses on the road.
When we pull into the parking lot, Parker opens my door. He takes my hand, giving me the support I need.
Everyone’s in black except me. Amy hated black, so the last thing I wanted to do was wear it to her funeral. Instead, I chose blue—her favorite color.
We find seats in the back pew. I can’t fathom sitting up close, being next to the casket. I watch as people walk up and pay their respects to Amy’s family.
Parker looks over at me. “Are you sure you don’t want to pay your respects?” he asks, quietly.
“Not now.” I will, but I’m not ready to say goodbye in front of all these strangers.
The organ begins, sending chills down my spine. I know some people find it beautiful, but something about the haunting music makes me uneasy.
When it’s time for the eulogy, I’m surprised to see Brandon stand. “Good morning. Thank you all for being here today and helping Ethan and me celebrate Amy’s life. Amy and I met in college. Some would call it love at first sight, and others would call it a game of cat and mouse. I was the cat.”
A few people laugh quietly. “Amy saw nothing but good in the world and in those around her. She was always happy and proud of the life she lived, the woman she had become, and the family she created. Everything she did was for Ethan and me. There was no decision she made lightly, and she always made the time for what mattered most to her. The world is missing a great woman, but today isn’t about her loss, or saying goodbye. Amy didn’t want that. Today is about celebrating her life. She’ll be missed by her family and friends, and most of all by our amazing son.”
He pauses, looking over at the casket. “Amy, baby, I promise to watch over him, guide him into to a fine young man, and stand by his side proudly. I’ll support him, love him, and tell him every single day how much his mommy loved him. There won’t be a day that you won’t be thought of. I love you.”
He steps down and wipes away his tears. His speech was sweet and simple, but it was spot on.
Parker takes my hand. There are tears in his eyes, and I gently wipe them away.
The rest of the funeral is nice—well, as nice as a funeral can be. Even though I only knew Amy for a short time, it feels like she’s always been a part of my life.
I watch cars driving away from the cemetery as I sit in the cool dirt. Parker stepped away, giving me space to say goodbye.
I run my hands through the dirt, trying to find a coherent thought. “I’m not sure what I’ll do without you. I feel as if I’ve lost a part of myself. Every time I saw you, you were stronger than the time before and that was such an inspiration to me. You had this aura around you. This amazing ability to see the good in everything, no matter the hurt or pain. You always saw the beauty. I don’t think I can bring myself to say goodbye because, when it comes to our friendship, I don’t think goodbye is for us.”