When I'm Gone
Page 48

But she’d given me enough today. I wasn’t pushing her again. Not when we’d been so successful this morning. My talking to her and keeping her with me the whole time had not only worked, but it had excited her more. The more I talked, the more turned-on she got.
It was enough for now.
“When do you have to leave?” she asked, breaking into my thoughts and reminding me that I had to leave her.
“I wanted to talk to you about that,” I said, wondering how to ask her to move in with me several states away. It sounded a little crazy, but honestly, I didn’t care. She was my one.
Her brow puckered up, and she tilted her head as if waiting for me.
“I want you to move to . . . Texas . . . with me . . . into . . . my house.”
That hadn’t been smooth at all.
The way her jaw dropped open and her eyes turned into saucers proved I had gone about this all wrong. Shit.
“Wh-what?” she sputtered.
I ran my hands over my face and bit back a growl of frustration. She made me just say shit. I got so worked up around her I couldn’t think straight. I just blurted things out. I had never wanted anything as badly as I wanted this woman in my bed every night for the rest of my life.
“You don’t have a job except for your gig at Harlow’s, and you don’t have family here. There’s no reason to stay. I can get another reading teacher to work with you in Fort Worth. That would be the only thing holding you here. I want you with me, Reese. I hate not having you close.”
Those expressive eyes of hers gave her away. She liked the idea, but it also scared her. We were new. Our friendship was almost two months old now, but as a couple, we were new.
“You want me there . . . with you,” she said, sounding like she was lost in a daze.
“Yes,” I replied firmly.
She fisted a section of her hair and looked around the room nervously. Then she began walking back and forth in a little circle. Almost as if she was pacing.
I waited. She was thinking, and I wanted her to think about this hard. Then I wanted her to say yes and pack her bags.
“You don’t . . . there’s so much. I need time. We need time. I’m settled here, and I do have friends. I have Jimmy. I have a place that is mine. You can’t . . . we can’t just move in together like this. I hate when you leave, too, but . . . but Mase.” She stopped walking and dropped her hands to her sides as if she was carrying the world on her shoulders. “There is so much you don’t know. And I’m not ready to tell you. So much that is inside me. It’s dark, and it’s . . . not a place I want to take you. But I need time. We need time. Like this. When you come into town, we can spend time together. And our nightly talks and my reading to you. And I like Dr. Munroe. He’s helping me, and I’m comfortable with him. I can’t just go with you because I want to be near you.”
Arguing with her was my knee-jerk reaction. I was good at debate. I could come up with a reason that all that didn’t matter.
What stopped me was the pleading look in her eyes. She didn’t want me to argue. She wanted me to let this go.
I would. For her. For now.
“OK. Then know that when you’re ready, I will be, too,” I finally said.
She let out a heavy sigh, then smiled weakly at me. “Thank you for wanting me.”
Words I would take back to Texas with me, that I would carry like an ache in my chest every time I thought of them.
My girl should never have to thank anyone for wanting her. Somewhere in her mind, she thought she wasn’t worthy That was what hurt the most.
Standing at her door after taking her to lunch and kissing her for more than an hour, I knew I had to leave her. Again. My world back home was calling. I had to go handle the ranch and the life I’d made for myself.
I held her tightly one more time and whispered in her ear. “Be safe. Take care of yourself. And miss me when I’m gone.”
Reese
I took the spoon Jimmy handed me and dove into the caramel swirl ice cream with a vengeance. I needed depression food. I’d been in the dumps since Mase had left that morning. I could have gone with him. He’d asked me to.
If I had said yes, I would have lost him much sooner. He hadn’t been with me long enough to really know me. He’d only gotten small doses of me. What about when the memories leaked through and I stood under the hot water of the shower screaming and scrubbing myself? He hadn’t seen that. He would think I was crazy. Because I was sure I was.
Sometimes the past broke through, and when it did, I went a little crazy.
I kept all that from him. He knew what was on the surface, and not even all of that. He knew just enough. My past had marked me.
It had ruined my ability to be close to anyone.
Except Mase. I was letting him in. Today proved just how much.
“You wanna talk about it? Or just eat it out?” Jimmy asked with a pinched frown.
“Don’t want to talk about it,” I replied, and stuffed my mouth full of ice cream.
“The man came from Texas on a Tuesday night to get your money back from the wicked witch and make sure you were OK before heading back home the next day to work. Seems to me like you should be all smiles and giggles. Not pissy and trying to eat your way through this whole pint of ice cream.”
I wasn’t telling Jimmy. If I did, I’d have to tell him more, and I wasn’t letting my past in. Not tonight. “I just hate it when he leaves,” I said instead.
“Mmm-hmm, girl, so does the rest of the world. He’s something to look at,” Jimmy agreed.