When I'm Gone
Page 55

His body filled the doorway. A towel was wrapped around his hips, and his hair was still dripping water that trailed down his bare chest. “Reese?” his voice was concerned.
He was concerned about me a lot. The broken girl who needed help. I couldn’t read, write, or have sex. He was going to fix me. Was that what I had been to him? A project?
“What’s wrong, baby?” he asked, as he began to walk toward me. I couldn’t let him touch me. Not anymore.
“No!” I screamed, holding my hands up to keep him back. “Don’t come near me,” I warned.
He stopped, but the look in his eyes was one that I would have once thought was fear. I didn’t think that anymore. He didn’t know what fear was. Or pain.
“Reese, what’s wrong?” he asked carefully, studying me.
“Leave. I want you to leave. Don’t come back. I don’t want you here.” I held my hands up, but I turned my gaze to the door. I couldn’t look at him, because my heart was confused. It thought it saw pain in his eyes. It didn’t. I had thought I’d seen a lot of things when he looked at me that I didn’t truly see.
“Baby, what happened? Don’t do this. Don’t push me away. Let me come to you.”
He thought this was because of my past. I could hear it in his voice. He was talking to the broken girl. The one he felt sorry for. The one he pitied. “I want you gone. Get dressed and get out!” I yelled the last part. He wasn’t listening to me. I wanted him to leave. I couldn’t stand here like this much longer. The shattering inside my chest made me want to curl up and hold myself together.
“I’m not leaving you, Reese. You have to tell me what’s wrong. I can help you—”
“No! I’m not your personal charity case. I was fine before you, and I’ll be fine after you. But you need to leave! I’m calling the cops if you aren’t out of here in five minutes.”
Mase started coming toward me again, and I screamed at the top of my lungs. “Jesus, Reese! What’s wrong?” He was yelling now, too.
I leveled my gaze on him. “You. You are wrong. You’re wrong for me. I don’t want you here. I want you to leave me alone. You’ve forced me to do things I didn’t want to do. You’ve touched me in places I don’t like to be touched. I don’t want to see you again. Ever. Just go!”
Saying those words hurt. They were a lie. He would know they were a lie, but I was desperate. He wasn’t leaving. He wasn’t listening.
When I saw him turn and walk back away, I almost collapsed. He was going to leave me.
The realization that Mase was going to walk out that door and not come back destroyed whatever part of me was left.
I should never have loved. I wasn’t meant to love or be loved. This was a lesson I should have learned by now.
I wanted the numbness to spread, but it was fading. Loss engulfed me.
If only I’d never known how it felt to believe I was special to someone else.
Mase reappeared, and he was holding his duffel in his hand. He walked toward the door without looking at me but stopped just before he got there. His eyes closed tightly, and he let out an unsteady breath. “I’m sorry,” was all he said.
Then he walked to the door and opened it. With one more long pause, he stood there. I waited for him to walk away and leave me here alone. Again.
“When you realize what you’ve said and what you’ve done, call me. I’ll be waiting. I want to hold you more than anything right now and help you get through this, but you won’t let me near you. So I’m going to do what you want, because I can’t fix everything for you. This time, you have to do it yourself. But when it sinks in that you were wrong, call me, Reese. I’ll be waiting. I’ll wait forever if I have to.”
Then Mase Manning walked out of my door and out of my life.
Mase
When the door had closed behind me, I dropped my bag and bent over, bracing my hands on my knees to suck in air. Reminding myself that she had to work through this was hard. Leaving her . . . Oh, God, I couldn’t just fucking leave her. She was in a goddamn corner looking completely destroyed, and I didn’t know why.
Each breath hurt. The tightness in my chest was like a vise grip on my lungs. My heart was in that apartment. Walking away without it seemed impossible. But if I was going to get a chance at a future with Reese, she had to let me in. The past haunted her. It was controlling her. That motherfucking low-life scum had done this to her. I’d thought I could hold her through it all and give her so much love she’d overcome it. But those demons were there in her eyes.
All I was doing was helping her pretend they weren’t there. I wasn’t helping her destroy them and overcome them. My love wasn’t enough. I wanted it to be. God, I wanted it to be enough. But she needed to find the strength inside herself.
When she did, she could accept that I loved her. That I adored her. That I wanted her and all the shit in her past. I wanted everything.
Standing up, I winced at the pain.
I didn’t walk to my truck. Instead, I went to Jimmy’s apartment. I couldn’t leave her without knowing someone was watching over her. When she needed me to rescue her, someone had to call me. I knew she never would.
She might not want me, but I’d be damned if I’d let her need me.
Knocking on Jimmy’s door, I tried to take a deep breath. But I couldn’t.
The door swung open, and his smile immediately turned into a frown. “Mase?”