White Trash Damaged
Page 22

I took a drink from my beer, hoping I could make myself numb enough not to care about Tucker with someone else. My memory flashed to him on the bike with that bitch straddling his lap.
“For the most part I was able to pretend it wasn’t killing me inside, but then one day . . .” He shook his head and closed his eyes. I was worried about his headaches, but I didn’t want to interrupt him. “She decided to come on tour with us. It was so hard watching them together and knowing she was sleeping so close by . . . with him. I knew it wasn’t his fault, but it still ripped me apart. He had been like a brother to me.”
I reached across the table and slid my hand over his, trying to give him the same comfort as he had given me. His fingers wrapped around mine and he stared down at them and smiled.
“It feels good to be able to talk about this.” His fingers unwrapped from mine, and I pulled my hand back, placing it on my bottle.
“Is that why you fight him so much?”
He scrubbed his hands over his face, trying to shake the darker mood that had settled over him.
“No. Cadence had been using drugs here and there. I caught her snorting something one night, and I tried to tell Tucker about it. He flipped out on me, saying I was jealous of him, and he saw the way I looked at his girl. His girl. He didn’t want to believe she was doing all this crazy shit. One day my pills went missing and I flipped out. My head was killing me. I tried to tell him it was her, but he didn’t believe me. Not until one day when we found her in a bathroom after a show. She was lying in a heap on the floor, covered in sweat. I thought she was dead.”
“You blame Tucker for what she did?”
“I blame her for her actions . . . but she was a junkie and needed help. He refused to see it. He blamed me, saying I gave her the pills and I was trying to screw up what he had.”
“That doesn’t sound like Tucker,” I said in barely a whisper as I took another drink.
“He got the girl and he let her nearly die. After she finally got the help she needed, he tossed her aside.”
“And you wouldn’t have? She was toxic.” I remembered everything that Tucker had told me about her, trying to find a way to defend him, explain his heartlessness.
“I would have walked through hell and back for her.”
“You can only take so much before you get burned.”
Eric’s eyes met mine as he thought over what I said.
“Yeah, I suppose you’re right.” He took a drink. “I think he is still trying to make it up to himself.”
“How so?”
“He didn’t let you die.”
Suddenly I wondered if Tucker had saved me because he thought it would make up for what happened in the past.
“I didn’t mean it like that, Cass. I just meant he wouldn’t let someone he cared about get hurt again.”
I nodded, but the tears were forming in my eyes and I just wanted to break down.
“Does he know now that you had dated her?”
“Yeah. We got in a fight once and I let it slip. It didn’t make things any better between us.”
“Obviously,” I joked as I looked over his fat lip and bruised eye. He laughed. “I need to use the bathroom.”
Eric’s eyes scanned the room and he pointed to the back left corner with the neck of his bottle. I pushed from the table and walked on wobbly legs to the door. I hadn’t realized how much I had drunk until I stood. The bathroom was a single stall, and I was grateful for a little privacy. I splashed some cold water on my face. This was a lot to absorb. And suddenly, I questioned Tucker’s motives for wanting to help me. For the first time in a long time, I felt like a charity case. It made me sick.
I left the bathroom and pulled a one-dollar bill from my back pocket. Eric was staring down at his bottle, lost in memories.
“Can I get change?” I asked the bartender. He took the bill and gave me my quarters. I scanned over the machine, trying to find something to cheer up Eric before he noticed I was out of the bathroom. I flipped through the pages of CDs, reading over the titles carefully. Finally, I found a song I thought might make him smile. I made my way back to my seat hoping to lighten the mood.
As House of the Rising Sun began to play, Eric looked up at me and grinned.
“A girl after my own heart.” He put his hand on his chest and fell against the back of his chair.
“Did you drink more while I was gone?”
He held up his fingers to let me know he had a little more.
“I think you need to be cut off.”
He gave me a frightened looked and I laughed, loudly.
“Not Bobbit style. You need to slow down on the alcohol.”
“You might be right.” He picked up his bottle and drained the rest of the contents. “But we don’t have anywhere else to be.”
My heart sank again. I didn’t have anywhere to go, and all of my things were on the bus except for my bag from my trip. It was still on Tucker’s motorcycle and I wasn’t ready to face him yet. I was completely lost. I thought about calling my dad, but he had enough mouths to feed, and not nearly enough food to go around.
“I suppose you’re right.” I grabbed my bottle and drank the rest of the warming bubbly liquid.
“Tell me about the headaches.”
Eric sighed as he recalled the beating from his father two months after the death of his brother.
We sat for several more hours, drinking and reliving our pasts until we both were having trouble walking on our own. We left the bar and stumbled across the expansive parking lot, but everyone was long gone, including Tucker’s bike. Sadness consumed me again as I stared at the empty spot where it had been.
“We need a cab,” Eric slurred as he looked around.
“I need to call Tucker.” I held up the phone for Eric to see.
“You sure that’s a good idea?”
“What else are we going to do? I don’t have a choice.”
He nodded, rubbing the side of his head.
“You need your medicine, and we can’t just sleep out here in a parking lot.”
I pulled out my phone, expecting a screen filled with missed calls and texts from Tucker. My heart sank when I was greeted by a blank screen.
“Let me call Donna.” Eric grabbed his phone and dialed her number before I could argue. I hated Donna. I’d rather sleep with wild dogs than ask her for help, but Eric couldn’t go on suffering.
“Where are you?” he asked. Still massaging his head, his eyes closed as he listened. I chewed nervously on my lip, wishing I could make this whole day disappear.
Eric’s gaze met mine. I furrowed my brow, wishing I could hear the conversation.
“Why wait for things to cool down? It will only get worse when I come back. This shit needs to be settled.”
He fell silent again, and he shifted his weight from foot to foot.
“You know this is bullshit.” His entire tone changed, and I knew he was no longer talking to Donna. I wrapped my arms around myself and looked around the parking lot trying not to focus on the bitter fight I had caused. “Fine.”
He hung up the phone and began pacing.
“What did he say?”
“He will be here to pick you up in a few minutes.”
“What about you?”
“What about me?”
I took a step toward him and he turned around, trying to hide the sadness that was written all over his face.
“He can’t just leave you out here.”
“Cass, just go with him and fix this for yourself. I’ll be fine. He needs you.”
“I think I need him more than he needs me.”
Eric turned back around, shaking his head as we heard the distant growl of Tucker’s bike.
“You guys have been through a lot and that can either make you closer or rip you apart. You have to decide which way you want to go and stick with it.”
“That was deep.” I laughed, trying to lighten the situation.
“That’s what she said.” He winked as he smiled. His expression faded as Tucker pulled up beside us. He grabbed the spare helmet from the back of his bike and held it out to me. I looked from him to Eric, hating that he was being left behind. He had been through enough of that in his life.
I walked over to Tucker, my legs shaking from nervousness and inebriation.
“I’m not going to leave him out here.” I watched Tucker’s expression change to anger, and I held up a hand to stop him before he said something he would regret. I took another step closer and leaned in, kissing him softly on the lips. “I wouldn’t ever cheat on you, Tucker, and Eric would never hurt you like that. He is my friend, and he is yours, too. We are supposed to be a family. Family doesn’t do this.”
“You’re drunk,” was all he said. Tucker looked from Eric to me several times before he mumbled a curse word and pulled out his phone. He called Donna and told her to come pick up Eric. We all fell silent after he ended the call.
“Just go. I’ll be fine.” Eric waved his hand at us.
“She’ll be here any minute,” Tucker replied, not looking at him.
I nodded reluctantly and slid my leg over the back of Tucker’s bike. I took the helmet from his hand and secured it on my head. As we circled past Eric I gave him a smile before we took off fast across the deserted parking lot. I held on to Tucker, thankful I could wrap my arms around him again. I was hurt and confused, but Eric’s words had struck a chord. We needed to make a choice. We needed to decide if we would let our past pull us apart or help hold us together.
The ride back to the bus went entirely too fast. I didn’t want to let go of Tucker, not knowing if things were going to be okay between us. We had a lot to discuss. As the bus came into view I suddenly felt a new wave of emotion. Embarrassment. Luckily, the alcohol made me feel brave enough to pull myself from Tucker. I took off my helmet as he got off the bike, shaking out my hair. Tucker stood beside me not saying a word. He took my helmet from me, looking it over before tossing it on the back of his bike.
“We need to talk.” I wanted to clear the air and make all of this go away. I wanted to be mad at him and know that just because I was upset, he wasn’t going to leave me. He nodded, rubbing his hand over his hair as he sighed. It might be too late.
He grabbed my hand and began walking by the bus. I trailed behind him, trying to figure out how we would fix this.
“Thank you for helping Eric.”
He turned his head to look at me, his eyes narrowed.
“I only helped him so you would get on the bike. I could care less where he goes.”
I stopped, pulling Tucker to a halt.
“Why are you acting like this? Eric is your friend.”
“You don’t know the whole story.”
“I know more than you think.”
“You know his side.”
“That’s because you don’t tell me anything! Tucker, you know every pathetic detail of my life, and I barely know anything about your past.”
“Because it’s the past and that’s where it should stay.”
I pulled my hand from his and crossed my arms over my chest.
“Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”
“What does that mean?”
The last thing I wanted to discuss was his ex-girlfriend, but I needed to know I wouldn’t be kicked aside the first time I screwed up somehow.
“What happened back there was an innocent hug. Nothing more than that. You need to trust me, and you need to trust your friends.”
“Eric is far from innocent.” He laughed humorlessly.
“What about you?”
“What about me?” he shot back.
“That girl. She was all over you, Tucker, and I didn’t see you pushing her away.”
“It was for work,” he yelled. I glanced behind us, hoping no one from the bus could hear us arguing.
“Why didn’t you want me to be there for that then if it was so innocent?” My anger was matching his.
“Because I didn’t want it to hurt you. It killed me to see the look in your eyes when you saw us on that f**king bike, sweetheart.”
“You got over that pretty quickly.”
“I snapped. Eric and I have a very rough history. I didn’t mean for you to get in the middle of it.”
“I noticed that when I got knocked out of the way.” I glared at him. His expression softened, and I could see his eyes tear over.
“I will never forgive myself . . .” His words cut as he struggled to keep his composure. “I didn’t tell you to leave because I was angry at you. I wanted you to leave because I had f**ked up. I don’t deserve you. Not after tonight.”
“What happened in there was an accident. Trust me, I know the difference.” I took a step toward him and let my arms fall to my sides. He looked up at me, his expression pained.
“It doesn’t matter.” He shook his head as a tear slid down his cheek. I reached out to wipe it away, but he pulled back, not letting me touch him. “You don’t deserve any of this.” He kicked at the loose gravel under our feet.
A pair of headlights flashed across us, and we both turned to see Donna pull up beside the bus. Tucker shoved his hands into his jean pockets.
“What are you saying? You are giving up on us just because it got hard? It can’t always be perfect, Tucker.”
“It won’t ever be perfect, Cass. I’m so afraid someone else is going to hurt you that I end up hurting you myself. The way you looked at me after I fought with Eric . . .”
“If you would just talk to him.” I sighed, tossing my hands in the air.