She rose from the chair. Lifting it, she slid it back beneath Amber’s desk. “I’ll let you think it over. I know you’ll come around.”
Because she had just taken away my freedom. And what freedom was that really, anyway, if it could be seized with a snap of her fingers? I never really had it to begin with, I realized. I was at the mercy of her whims.
The enormity of returning to Dartford and supporting myself—covering tuition, room, and board all on my own—overwhelmed me. Oh, and without a car or insurance. If I left here, I’d be on my own. An orphan, essentially.
“I’ll think it over,” I agreed, my lips hugging the words numbly.
“Of course, you will.” Patting my shoulder, she turned and walked from the room.
As soon as she left, I fell back on the bed, every part of me suddenly as heavy as lead.
Chapter 21
THE DAY AFTER MY conversation with Mom she left the application forms on my bed for Muskogee Community College. It was her not-so-subtle way of moving things along.
A week passed before I forced myself to start filling out the paperwork. Something withered and died in me with every swipe and scratch of my pen across the paper. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to sign my signature on the last page. Instead, I shoved the application forms in a drawer in my room.
But out of sight wasn’t out of my mind. I couldn’t forget they were there. Nor would Mom let me. She reminded me every day that there was a July twentieth deadline.
“Maybe you don’t want to finish college,” she suggested over breakfast one morning.
I looked up from my cereal, watching her warily, wondering if this was some new tactic, because surely she wanted me to finish college. She was an educator for God’s sake. A principal.
Mom shrugged. “You can live here and work at the bank. Of course, I’d like you to complete your degree. I tell all my students that, but college isn’t for everyone. Even I know that.” She lifted the coffeepot to refill her mug. “And how important will it be for you to have a degree once you marry Harris anyway? I’m sure you’ll stay home after the wedding. Start a family.”
Oh. My. God. I looked down at my bowl and spooned another mouthful of Cheerios into my mouth so I didn’t have to tell her just what I thought about that idea. When had my life turned into this world of suck?
I HELD BACK MY tears through the phone call with Pepper. I didn’t need her to know how upset I truly was. I tried to sound practical.
“I can’t afford tuition, Pepper . . . and all my other expenses on top of that.”
“You can live at Mulvaney’s. You don’t have to pay rent, and we can float your utilities for a while. You use so little anyway and it’s all rolled into the business.”
“I appreciate that.” And it really was generous, but that still left tuition and all my other expenses. I could get a job, but that still left tuition and books. It was a lot to wrap my head around. Mom knew that. She expected me to fall in line. I rubbed the center of my forehead where it was beginning to ache. I’d taken a run after breakfast but the endorphins had done little to alleviate the pressure building up in my skull.
“Look. I’m not saying I’m not coming back. I just need time to figure out a plan . . . how I can make it work without my parents supporting me. I might not be coming back until the spring.”
“Georgia, you know if you drop out it will be harder to get back into Dartford. Have you called Dr. Chase?”
“Yes. I explained I had a family emergency and wouldn’t be back for the summer. He was very understanding.”
“Maybe he can help you, if you explain . . .”
“We’ll see,” I say, the ache in my head unbearable now. I rubbed harder, beating the heel of my palm to my head a few times as if that might kill the pain. “I have to go. It’s dinnertime.”
Pepper paused and I realized how lame that came out. I sounded fourteen having to hang up the phone because I was wanted at the dinner table. Not that it was even the truth. I already ate an hour ago.
“Georgia, what are you doing?” Her voice was almost a whisper here, but no less demanding.
“I’ll be fine, Pepper. It’s not the end of the world if I have to move back home.” It only felt like it was.
She sighed. “What about Logan?”
Everything inside me seized tight at her question. “What about him?”
“You and Logan—”
“You heard Logan. He’s not sitting around waiting for me.”
“Yeah, I heard Logan.”
Embarrassment sizzled through me. “Well, then you know.”
“I know you’re both totally into each other, and you’re going to blow it if you don’t come back here.”
I already blew it. I pressed a hand over my chest, directly over my constricting heart. Great. Now my chest hurt, too.
“It was a fling, Pepper. What else can it be?” Bile surged in the back of my throat at the lie. It was so much more than that but what else could I say? I couldn’t tell her that I loved him. She would only protest harder for me to come back. She might even tell Logan.
“Look, I know Reece and I came down on you two like a pair of disapproving parents. Sorry about that. We were kind of assholes. But I’ve been thinking . . . why can’t you and Logan be together? He’s going to school forty minutes from here. He’s a good guy and I’ve never seen him act this way over any other girl. I’ve never seen you act this way over any guy. If you come back here you could both—”
“It was just sex, Pepper.”
My blunt words fell on the air, the lie tearing something open inside me. The line crackled in sudden silence. My head felt like exploding. Tears streamed silently down my face.
Then she laughed.
“What’s so funny?” I snapped on a wet, tear-soaked breath.
“Yeah. Well. Once upon a time I was hooking up with Reece just for foreplay lessons so I could land another guy.”
“Yeah, I kind of remember that.” I might have been involved in some of that scheme, crazy as it sounded now.
“I know all about deluding myself. And I almost lost him because I was too stubborn and too afraid to admit what was between us.”
I filled my lungs with air. Yeah. I was afraid. I could admit that. I’d felt out of control since the first moment things heated up between Logan and me. But I was more afraid to embrace it all. To turn my back on the life I was supposed to lead, the one that had been planned for me since birth—or since my real father walked out and abandoned me and Mom.
Because she had just taken away my freedom. And what freedom was that really, anyway, if it could be seized with a snap of her fingers? I never really had it to begin with, I realized. I was at the mercy of her whims.
The enormity of returning to Dartford and supporting myself—covering tuition, room, and board all on my own—overwhelmed me. Oh, and without a car or insurance. If I left here, I’d be on my own. An orphan, essentially.
“I’ll think it over,” I agreed, my lips hugging the words numbly.
“Of course, you will.” Patting my shoulder, she turned and walked from the room.
As soon as she left, I fell back on the bed, every part of me suddenly as heavy as lead.
Chapter 21
THE DAY AFTER MY conversation with Mom she left the application forms on my bed for Muskogee Community College. It was her not-so-subtle way of moving things along.
A week passed before I forced myself to start filling out the paperwork. Something withered and died in me with every swipe and scratch of my pen across the paper. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to sign my signature on the last page. Instead, I shoved the application forms in a drawer in my room.
But out of sight wasn’t out of my mind. I couldn’t forget they were there. Nor would Mom let me. She reminded me every day that there was a July twentieth deadline.
“Maybe you don’t want to finish college,” she suggested over breakfast one morning.
I looked up from my cereal, watching her warily, wondering if this was some new tactic, because surely she wanted me to finish college. She was an educator for God’s sake. A principal.
Mom shrugged. “You can live here and work at the bank. Of course, I’d like you to complete your degree. I tell all my students that, but college isn’t for everyone. Even I know that.” She lifted the coffeepot to refill her mug. “And how important will it be for you to have a degree once you marry Harris anyway? I’m sure you’ll stay home after the wedding. Start a family.”
Oh. My. God. I looked down at my bowl and spooned another mouthful of Cheerios into my mouth so I didn’t have to tell her just what I thought about that idea. When had my life turned into this world of suck?
I HELD BACK MY tears through the phone call with Pepper. I didn’t need her to know how upset I truly was. I tried to sound practical.
“I can’t afford tuition, Pepper . . . and all my other expenses on top of that.”
“You can live at Mulvaney’s. You don’t have to pay rent, and we can float your utilities for a while. You use so little anyway and it’s all rolled into the business.”
“I appreciate that.” And it really was generous, but that still left tuition and all my other expenses. I could get a job, but that still left tuition and books. It was a lot to wrap my head around. Mom knew that. She expected me to fall in line. I rubbed the center of my forehead where it was beginning to ache. I’d taken a run after breakfast but the endorphins had done little to alleviate the pressure building up in my skull.
“Look. I’m not saying I’m not coming back. I just need time to figure out a plan . . . how I can make it work without my parents supporting me. I might not be coming back until the spring.”
“Georgia, you know if you drop out it will be harder to get back into Dartford. Have you called Dr. Chase?”
“Yes. I explained I had a family emergency and wouldn’t be back for the summer. He was very understanding.”
“Maybe he can help you, if you explain . . .”
“We’ll see,” I say, the ache in my head unbearable now. I rubbed harder, beating the heel of my palm to my head a few times as if that might kill the pain. “I have to go. It’s dinnertime.”
Pepper paused and I realized how lame that came out. I sounded fourteen having to hang up the phone because I was wanted at the dinner table. Not that it was even the truth. I already ate an hour ago.
“Georgia, what are you doing?” Her voice was almost a whisper here, but no less demanding.
“I’ll be fine, Pepper. It’s not the end of the world if I have to move back home.” It only felt like it was.
She sighed. “What about Logan?”
Everything inside me seized tight at her question. “What about him?”
“You and Logan—”
“You heard Logan. He’s not sitting around waiting for me.”
“Yeah, I heard Logan.”
Embarrassment sizzled through me. “Well, then you know.”
“I know you’re both totally into each other, and you’re going to blow it if you don’t come back here.”
I already blew it. I pressed a hand over my chest, directly over my constricting heart. Great. Now my chest hurt, too.
“It was a fling, Pepper. What else can it be?” Bile surged in the back of my throat at the lie. It was so much more than that but what else could I say? I couldn’t tell her that I loved him. She would only protest harder for me to come back. She might even tell Logan.
“Look, I know Reece and I came down on you two like a pair of disapproving parents. Sorry about that. We were kind of assholes. But I’ve been thinking . . . why can’t you and Logan be together? He’s going to school forty minutes from here. He’s a good guy and I’ve never seen him act this way over any other girl. I’ve never seen you act this way over any guy. If you come back here you could both—”
“It was just sex, Pepper.”
My blunt words fell on the air, the lie tearing something open inside me. The line crackled in sudden silence. My head felt like exploding. Tears streamed silently down my face.
Then she laughed.
“What’s so funny?” I snapped on a wet, tear-soaked breath.
“Yeah. Well. Once upon a time I was hooking up with Reece just for foreplay lessons so I could land another guy.”
“Yeah, I kind of remember that.” I might have been involved in some of that scheme, crazy as it sounded now.
“I know all about deluding myself. And I almost lost him because I was too stubborn and too afraid to admit what was between us.”
I filled my lungs with air. Yeah. I was afraid. I could admit that. I’d felt out of control since the first moment things heated up between Logan and me. But I was more afraid to embrace it all. To turn my back on the life I was supposed to lead, the one that had been planned for me since birth—or since my real father walked out and abandoned me and Mom.
