I give a short laugh that’s devoid of any humor and filled with irony. “No. Not feeling guilty about that.”
“Ah,” she says as she leans back in the booth. “But you’re feeling guilty about something.”
I nod, fiddling with the paper napkin under my beer. “Not sure how I make it go away.”
“Maybe your perspective on it’s wrong,” she says as she reaches out for her wineglass. When she has it in hand, she gives it a slight wave in the air. “Maybe you’re not looking at the big picture.”
My eyebrows rise and I ask, “What do you mean?”
“What I mean is that guilt is born of a circumstance. Something that happens…usually an event, right?”
“Right,” I say in agreement.
“It’s also about how you perceive that event,” she points out. “I’m not a rocket scientist, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that what you’re skirting so delicately around is that something about Gina’s death is making you feel guilty. Maybe it’s the accident itself, maybe it’s because we’re having sex. But maybe…just maybe…you’re looking at it through filters made of grief and that could be coloring your subjectivity.”
I shake my head at her in amazement. “I’m not even sure I just understood half of what you said, but it sounded damn good.”
She laughs and then takes a sip of wine. Setting the glass down, she says, “Zack…lay it on me. Just tell me what’s eating at you and I’ll give you my honest opinion about it. You know I won’t hold back.”
No, she won’t hold back.
But am I ready for her brand of honesty? Am I ready for her to call me out on the carpet and tell me I’m being an idiot or, even worse, that I should be suffering from guilt because I’m a horrible person?
Fuck it…I’m going for it.
“I killed Gina,” I say softly, refusing to meet her eyes.
Kate inhales sharply, then leans toward me, speaking so low I can barely hear her, “You get that out of your fucking head right now, Zack Grantham.”
I’m so surprised over the venom in her voice and the way she dropped a vicious and well-timed use of the word fucking that my head jerks up at her in surprise. Her eyes are blazing with fury.
“Gina took her seat belt off and I let her,” I say as I look directly at Kate with serious intent. “I was pulling her across the seat to kiss me when someone came over into my lane of travel. I jerked hard on the wheel and lost control. She died and I didn’t.”
Some of the fury dies from Kate’s eyes, but her next statement to me is still bubbling with anger. “So what?”
I blink at her and I’m pissed when I say, “So what? Gina’s dead because of me and the guilt of it’s fucking killing me.”
Kate moves so fast, she’s almost a blur. She slides closer to me in the booth until her legs are flush with mine and she turns her upper body to face me. Both of her hands clasp me on the face and she holds me tight, giving my head a slight shake. “You listen to me, Zack, and you better listen well. You did not kill Gina and I never want to hear you say that again. It was an accident. It was unavoidable. It was going to happen and you couldn’t do a damn thing about it. Most important…and this is what you better remember, is that it was Gina’s choice to take that seat belt off. It wasn’t yours. So while I’m unbelievably sorry that you went through this and I’m saddened that you and Ben lost what I’ve come to understand was a wonderful and amazing woman, there’s not one thing about Gina’s death that is lying on your doorstep.”
My eyes flick repeatedly back and forth between Kate’s. The pale blue has turned dark and stormy and I’ve never seen such fierce determination on her face. It makes me want to believe everything that she’s saying. She believes it…I can see that.
A coughing sound from my left catches my attention and I see the waiter there with our food. Kate’s hands drop from my face and she scoots away from me. The plates are laid before us, and with assurances to the waiter that everything looks great, he leaves us alone again.
“Kate,” I say to get her attention as she picks up her silverware. She turns to look at me, her eyes still swimming with turbulence. “Thank you.”
She smiles at me gently and nods. “You’re welcome, Zack.”
Chapter 24
Kate
“Kate…wake up,” Ben says to me, and I feel his little hand on my shoulder. He gives me a shake and says again, “Come on, Kate. I’m hungry.”
Except in his almost-four-year-old voice, it sounds like “I’m hung-wee.” Adorable.
My eyes blink open and I give a yawn. “Hey, Slinky Twinkie.”
Ben giggles and I give a luxurious stretch. The strong arm wrapped around my waist tightens in response to my movement and pulls me back slightly against the hard male body that shares the couch with me.
Wait? What?
All at once, everything hits me in a wave.
I’m on the couch and Zack is lying behind me. With his arm around my waist. We were watching a movie last night and we must have fallen asleep.
And now Ben has seen us lying together.
I scramble off the couch, inadvertently giving a sharp elbow to Zack’s ribs, and he comes awake with a grunt. Sitting up, his hair sticking out all over the place, he stares first at Ben, then moves his bleary eyes over to me. I return his look, mine, I’m sure, filled with panic.
“Ah,” she says as she leans back in the booth. “But you’re feeling guilty about something.”
I nod, fiddling with the paper napkin under my beer. “Not sure how I make it go away.”
“Maybe your perspective on it’s wrong,” she says as she reaches out for her wineglass. When she has it in hand, she gives it a slight wave in the air. “Maybe you’re not looking at the big picture.”
My eyebrows rise and I ask, “What do you mean?”
“What I mean is that guilt is born of a circumstance. Something that happens…usually an event, right?”
“Right,” I say in agreement.
“It’s also about how you perceive that event,” she points out. “I’m not a rocket scientist, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that what you’re skirting so delicately around is that something about Gina’s death is making you feel guilty. Maybe it’s the accident itself, maybe it’s because we’re having sex. But maybe…just maybe…you’re looking at it through filters made of grief and that could be coloring your subjectivity.”
I shake my head at her in amazement. “I’m not even sure I just understood half of what you said, but it sounded damn good.”
She laughs and then takes a sip of wine. Setting the glass down, she says, “Zack…lay it on me. Just tell me what’s eating at you and I’ll give you my honest opinion about it. You know I won’t hold back.”
No, she won’t hold back.
But am I ready for her brand of honesty? Am I ready for her to call me out on the carpet and tell me I’m being an idiot or, even worse, that I should be suffering from guilt because I’m a horrible person?
Fuck it…I’m going for it.
“I killed Gina,” I say softly, refusing to meet her eyes.
Kate inhales sharply, then leans toward me, speaking so low I can barely hear her, “You get that out of your fucking head right now, Zack Grantham.”
I’m so surprised over the venom in her voice and the way she dropped a vicious and well-timed use of the word fucking that my head jerks up at her in surprise. Her eyes are blazing with fury.
“Gina took her seat belt off and I let her,” I say as I look directly at Kate with serious intent. “I was pulling her across the seat to kiss me when someone came over into my lane of travel. I jerked hard on the wheel and lost control. She died and I didn’t.”
Some of the fury dies from Kate’s eyes, but her next statement to me is still bubbling with anger. “So what?”
I blink at her and I’m pissed when I say, “So what? Gina’s dead because of me and the guilt of it’s fucking killing me.”
Kate moves so fast, she’s almost a blur. She slides closer to me in the booth until her legs are flush with mine and she turns her upper body to face me. Both of her hands clasp me on the face and she holds me tight, giving my head a slight shake. “You listen to me, Zack, and you better listen well. You did not kill Gina and I never want to hear you say that again. It was an accident. It was unavoidable. It was going to happen and you couldn’t do a damn thing about it. Most important…and this is what you better remember, is that it was Gina’s choice to take that seat belt off. It wasn’t yours. So while I’m unbelievably sorry that you went through this and I’m saddened that you and Ben lost what I’ve come to understand was a wonderful and amazing woman, there’s not one thing about Gina’s death that is lying on your doorstep.”
My eyes flick repeatedly back and forth between Kate’s. The pale blue has turned dark and stormy and I’ve never seen such fierce determination on her face. It makes me want to believe everything that she’s saying. She believes it…I can see that.
A coughing sound from my left catches my attention and I see the waiter there with our food. Kate’s hands drop from my face and she scoots away from me. The plates are laid before us, and with assurances to the waiter that everything looks great, he leaves us alone again.
“Kate,” I say to get her attention as she picks up her silverware. She turns to look at me, her eyes still swimming with turbulence. “Thank you.”
She smiles at me gently and nods. “You’re welcome, Zack.”
Chapter 24
Kate
“Kate…wake up,” Ben says to me, and I feel his little hand on my shoulder. He gives me a shake and says again, “Come on, Kate. I’m hungry.”
Except in his almost-four-year-old voice, it sounds like “I’m hung-wee.” Adorable.
My eyes blink open and I give a yawn. “Hey, Slinky Twinkie.”
Ben giggles and I give a luxurious stretch. The strong arm wrapped around my waist tightens in response to my movement and pulls me back slightly against the hard male body that shares the couch with me.
Wait? What?
All at once, everything hits me in a wave.
I’m on the couch and Zack is lying behind me. With his arm around my waist. We were watching a movie last night and we must have fallen asleep.
And now Ben has seen us lying together.
I scramble off the couch, inadvertently giving a sharp elbow to Zack’s ribs, and he comes awake with a grunt. Sitting up, his hair sticking out all over the place, he stares first at Ben, then moves his bleary eyes over to me. I return his look, mine, I’m sure, filled with panic.
