"I trust you," I whispered.
His arms tightened around me. With his lips in my hair, he murmured, "We're going to be good for each other, Eva."
When I fell asleep in his arms later that night, it was with those words in my head.
"Don't...No. No, don't.... Please."
Gideon's cries had me jackknifing up in the bed, my heart thudding violently. I fought for breath, glancing wild-eyed at the man thrashing next to me.
He snarled like a feral beast, his hands fisted and his legs kicking restlessly. I moved back, afraid he'd strike out at me unknowingly in his dreams.
"Get off of me," he panted.
"Gideon! Wake up."
"Get...off..." His h*ps arched upward with a hiss of pain. He hovered there, teeth gritted, his back bowed as if the bed was on fire beneath him. Then he collapsed, the mattress jolting as he bounced off of it.
"Gideon." I reached for the bedside lamp, my throat burning. I couldn't reach it, had to throw the tangled blankets off to get closer. Gideon was writhing in agony, thrashing so violently he shook the bed.
The room lit up in a sudden flare of illumination. I turned toward him...
And found him masturbating with shocking viciousness.
His right hand gripped his c**k with white knuckled force, pumping brutally fast. His left hand clenched the fitted sheet. Torment and pain twisted his beautiful face.
Fearing for his safety, I shoved his shoulder with both hands. "Gideon, goddamn it. Wake up!"
My scream broke through the nightmare. His eyes flew open and he jerked upright, his eyes darting frantically.
"What?" he gasped, his chest heaving. His face was flushed, his lips and cheeks red with arousal. "What is it?"
"Jesus." I shoved my hands through my hair and slid out of bed, snatching up the black robe I'd hung over the footboard.
What was in his mind? What could make someone have such violently sexual dreams?
My voice shook. "You were having a nightmare. You scared the hell out of me."
"Eva." He looked down at his erection and his color darkened with shame.
I stared at him from my safe place by the window, tying the sash of my robe with a yank. "What were you dreaming about?"
He shook his head, his gaze lowered with humiliation, a vulnerable posture I didn't know or recognize in him. It was as if someone else had taken over Gideon's body. "I don't know."
"Bullshit. Something's in you, something's eating at you. What is it?"
He rallied visibly as his brain struggled free of sleep. "It was just a dream, Eva. People have them."
I stared at him, hurt blooming that he would take that tone with me, as if I was being irrational. "Screw you."
His shoulders squared, and he tugged the sheet over his lap. "Why are you mad?"
"Because you're lying."
His chest expanded on a deep breath; then he released it in a rush. "I'm sorry I woke you."
I pinched the bridge of my nose, feeling a headache gathering strength. My eyes stung with the need to cry for him, to cry for whatever torment he'd once lived through. And to cry for us, because if he didn't let me in, our relationship had nowhere to go.
"One more time, Gideon: what were you dreaming about?"
"I don't remember." He ran a hand through his hair and slid his legs off the edge of the bed. "I have some business on my mind and it's probably keeping me up. I'm going to work in my home office for a while. Come back to bed, and try to get some sleep."
"There were a few right answers to that question, Gideon. 'Let's talk about it tomorrow' would've been one. 'Let's talk about it over the weekend' would've been another. And even 'I'm not ready to talk about it' would be okay. But you have some nerve acting like you don't know what I'm talking about while speaking to me like I'm unreasonable."
"Angel - "
"Don't." My arms wrapped around my waist. "Do you think it was easy telling you about my past? Do you think it was painless cutting myself open and letting the ugliness spill out? It would've been simpler to cut you off and date someone less prominent. I took the risk because I want to be with you. Maybe someday you'll feel the same way about me."
I left the room.
"Eva! Eva, damn it, come back here. What's wrong with you?"
I walked faster. I knew how he felt: the sickness in the gut that spread like cancer, the helpless anger, and the need to curl up in private and find the strength to shove the memories back into the deep dark hole they still lived in.
It wasn't an excuse for lying or deflecting the blame onto me.
I snatched my purse off the chair where I'd dropped it on the way in from dinner and I rushed out the front door into the foyer to the elevator. The car doors were closing with me inside when I saw him step into the living room through the open front door. His nakedness ensured he couldn't come after me, while the look in his eyes ensured I wouldn't stay. He'd donned his mask again, that striking implacable face that kept the world a safe distance away.
Shaking, I leaned heavily against the brass handrail for support. I was torn between my concern for him, which urged me to stay, and my hard-won knowledge, which assured me that his coping strategy wasn't one I could live with. The road to recovery for me was paved with hard truths, not denials and lies.
Swiping at my wet cheeks when I passed the third floor, I took deep breaths and collected myself before the doors opened on the lobby level.
The doorman whistled down a passing cab for me and was such a consummate professional that he acted like I was dressed for work rather than sporting bare feet and a black dressing gown. I thanked him sincerely.
And I was so grateful to the cabbie for getting me home quickly that I tipped him well and didn't care about the furtive looks I got from my own doorman and the front desk staffer. I didn't even care about the look I got from the stunning, statuesque blonde who stepped out of the elevator I was waiting for, until I smelled Cary's cologne on her and realized the T-shirt she was wearing was one of his.
She took in my half-dressed state with an amused glance. "Nice robe."
"Nice shirt."
The blonde took off with a smirk.
When I reached my floor, I found Cary lounging in the open doorway in a robe of his own.
He straightened and opened his arms to me. "Come here, baby girl."
I walked straight into him and hugged him tight, smelling a woman's perfume and hard sex all over him. "Who's the chick that just left?"
"Another model. Don't worry about her." He drew me into the apartment, and shut and locked the door. "Cross called. He said you were heading back and he has your keys. He wanted to be sure I was here and awake to let you in. For what it's worth, he sounded torn up and anxious. You wanna talk about it?"
Setting my purse down on the breakfast bar, I went into the kitchen. "He had another nightmare. A really bad one. When I asked him about it he denied, he lied, then he acted like I was nuts."
"Ah, the classics."
The phone started ringing. I flicked the switch on the base that turned the ringer off and Cary did the same to the handset he'd left on the counter. Then I pulled out my smartphone, closed the alert that said I'd missed numerous calls from Gideon, and sent him a text message; Home safe. Hope you sleep well the rest of the night.
His arms tightened around me. With his lips in my hair, he murmured, "We're going to be good for each other, Eva."
When I fell asleep in his arms later that night, it was with those words in my head.
"Don't...No. No, don't.... Please."
Gideon's cries had me jackknifing up in the bed, my heart thudding violently. I fought for breath, glancing wild-eyed at the man thrashing next to me.
He snarled like a feral beast, his hands fisted and his legs kicking restlessly. I moved back, afraid he'd strike out at me unknowingly in his dreams.
"Get off of me," he panted.
"Gideon! Wake up."
"Get...off..." His h*ps arched upward with a hiss of pain. He hovered there, teeth gritted, his back bowed as if the bed was on fire beneath him. Then he collapsed, the mattress jolting as he bounced off of it.
"Gideon." I reached for the bedside lamp, my throat burning. I couldn't reach it, had to throw the tangled blankets off to get closer. Gideon was writhing in agony, thrashing so violently he shook the bed.
The room lit up in a sudden flare of illumination. I turned toward him...
And found him masturbating with shocking viciousness.
His right hand gripped his c**k with white knuckled force, pumping brutally fast. His left hand clenched the fitted sheet. Torment and pain twisted his beautiful face.
Fearing for his safety, I shoved his shoulder with both hands. "Gideon, goddamn it. Wake up!"
My scream broke through the nightmare. His eyes flew open and he jerked upright, his eyes darting frantically.
"What?" he gasped, his chest heaving. His face was flushed, his lips and cheeks red with arousal. "What is it?"
"Jesus." I shoved my hands through my hair and slid out of bed, snatching up the black robe I'd hung over the footboard.
What was in his mind? What could make someone have such violently sexual dreams?
My voice shook. "You were having a nightmare. You scared the hell out of me."
"Eva." He looked down at his erection and his color darkened with shame.
I stared at him from my safe place by the window, tying the sash of my robe with a yank. "What were you dreaming about?"
He shook his head, his gaze lowered with humiliation, a vulnerable posture I didn't know or recognize in him. It was as if someone else had taken over Gideon's body. "I don't know."
"Bullshit. Something's in you, something's eating at you. What is it?"
He rallied visibly as his brain struggled free of sleep. "It was just a dream, Eva. People have them."
I stared at him, hurt blooming that he would take that tone with me, as if I was being irrational. "Screw you."
His shoulders squared, and he tugged the sheet over his lap. "Why are you mad?"
"Because you're lying."
His chest expanded on a deep breath; then he released it in a rush. "I'm sorry I woke you."
I pinched the bridge of my nose, feeling a headache gathering strength. My eyes stung with the need to cry for him, to cry for whatever torment he'd once lived through. And to cry for us, because if he didn't let me in, our relationship had nowhere to go.
"One more time, Gideon: what were you dreaming about?"
"I don't remember." He ran a hand through his hair and slid his legs off the edge of the bed. "I have some business on my mind and it's probably keeping me up. I'm going to work in my home office for a while. Come back to bed, and try to get some sleep."
"There were a few right answers to that question, Gideon. 'Let's talk about it tomorrow' would've been one. 'Let's talk about it over the weekend' would've been another. And even 'I'm not ready to talk about it' would be okay. But you have some nerve acting like you don't know what I'm talking about while speaking to me like I'm unreasonable."
"Angel - "
"Don't." My arms wrapped around my waist. "Do you think it was easy telling you about my past? Do you think it was painless cutting myself open and letting the ugliness spill out? It would've been simpler to cut you off and date someone less prominent. I took the risk because I want to be with you. Maybe someday you'll feel the same way about me."
I left the room.
"Eva! Eva, damn it, come back here. What's wrong with you?"
I walked faster. I knew how he felt: the sickness in the gut that spread like cancer, the helpless anger, and the need to curl up in private and find the strength to shove the memories back into the deep dark hole they still lived in.
It wasn't an excuse for lying or deflecting the blame onto me.
I snatched my purse off the chair where I'd dropped it on the way in from dinner and I rushed out the front door into the foyer to the elevator. The car doors were closing with me inside when I saw him step into the living room through the open front door. His nakedness ensured he couldn't come after me, while the look in his eyes ensured I wouldn't stay. He'd donned his mask again, that striking implacable face that kept the world a safe distance away.
Shaking, I leaned heavily against the brass handrail for support. I was torn between my concern for him, which urged me to stay, and my hard-won knowledge, which assured me that his coping strategy wasn't one I could live with. The road to recovery for me was paved with hard truths, not denials and lies.
Swiping at my wet cheeks when I passed the third floor, I took deep breaths and collected myself before the doors opened on the lobby level.
The doorman whistled down a passing cab for me and was such a consummate professional that he acted like I was dressed for work rather than sporting bare feet and a black dressing gown. I thanked him sincerely.
And I was so grateful to the cabbie for getting me home quickly that I tipped him well and didn't care about the furtive looks I got from my own doorman and the front desk staffer. I didn't even care about the look I got from the stunning, statuesque blonde who stepped out of the elevator I was waiting for, until I smelled Cary's cologne on her and realized the T-shirt she was wearing was one of his.
She took in my half-dressed state with an amused glance. "Nice robe."
"Nice shirt."
The blonde took off with a smirk.
When I reached my floor, I found Cary lounging in the open doorway in a robe of his own.
He straightened and opened his arms to me. "Come here, baby girl."
I walked straight into him and hugged him tight, smelling a woman's perfume and hard sex all over him. "Who's the chick that just left?"
"Another model. Don't worry about her." He drew me into the apartment, and shut and locked the door. "Cross called. He said you were heading back and he has your keys. He wanted to be sure I was here and awake to let you in. For what it's worth, he sounded torn up and anxious. You wanna talk about it?"
Setting my purse down on the breakfast bar, I went into the kitchen. "He had another nightmare. A really bad one. When I asked him about it he denied, he lied, then he acted like I was nuts."
"Ah, the classics."
The phone started ringing. I flicked the switch on the base that turned the ringer off and Cary did the same to the handset he'd left on the counter. Then I pulled out my smartphone, closed the alert that said I'd missed numerous calls from Gideon, and sent him a text message; Home safe. Hope you sleep well the rest of the night.
